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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stewie on March 26, 2012, at 16:08:00
I just lost my beloved brother to suicide last week.We will never know if it was due to despair or psychosis (paranoia). He was very sick and not taking his meds for quite a few months.
I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for most of my life, and was in a honeymoon period with Abilify for the depression. I was just more optimistic. Now that I will never see one of the dearest people in the world to me ever again, and now that I have to hear my mother wailing and see my father crying uncontrollably, I can't imagine ever being motivated enough to do the things that make me feel good again. I am so very tired and angry and profoundly sad. This is the second person I have lost in just a little over a year...
And having seen what this has done to my Mom and Dad, I realize that no matter how worthless I may feel, I can never attempt suicide again -- as long as there are people alive who love me. This makes me feel panicky rather than relieved in some way. (just an aside)
If anyone has any words of wisdom, please share them with me so that I might find some help in daring to get out of the house and daring to make an attempt at volunteering and doing other things that will get me consistently among people, where I feel a little stronger -- if only because sometimes I feel the need to "Smile though (my) Heart is Aching". Perhaps that is why I am reaching out here. I need help remembering that this sadness is normal and need not be a prelude to another episode of depression.
Thanks...
Diane
Posted by SLS on March 26, 2012, at 22:38:04
In reply to Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on March 26, 2012, at 16:08:00
Hi Diane.
I am off to bed, and won't be able to give your post the attention it deserves. Maybe tomorrow.
> I just lost my beloved brother to suicide last week.
I can't help but to feel both anger and sadness for your loss. I am angry at these illnesses. They steal so many of us.
> And having seen what this has done to my Mom and Dad, I realize that no matter how worthless I may feel, I can never attempt suicide again -- as long as there are people alive who love me. This makes me feel panicky rather than relieved in some way. (just an aside)
This more than just being an aside. It is a major issue that you should feel more trapped by life now that you are prohibited from ending it. It's a lot of pressure, and a commitment to enduring life regardless of how bad it gets. It is understandable that you should feel panicky rather than relieved. You used to have a way out. Now, there is no way out.
I am happy that you will be around for awhile.
I lost my father two years ago. I remember how surreal the experience was for me. My mind did not want to register the reality that he was irretrievably gone. I spent a great deal of time crying and pacing. I offered no resistance to this catharsis. Interestingly and importantly, my MDD did not worsen during this time. I still maintained a partial improvement that I owed to drug treatment; Abilify being one of them.
There are no prohibitions on the way you are allowed to feel, whether it be about your brother's death or of your having to live with a painful and frustrating illness. Try not to lie to yourself about how you feel and what you "should" be feeling. There are no scripts to follow. Well, that's not completely true. There is one that I know of. It is a rather simple diagrammatic description of the grief process. The model was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying". Her initial model described 5 stages of grief. It works. You will find modifications involving as much as 7 stages. I would like to see you study these models and learn how you might use the insights you gain such as to process your grief in a normal, healthy way.
I wrote more than I intended to. Oh, well.
- Scott
Posted by sleepygirl2 on March 27, 2012, at 4:49:11
In reply to Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on March 26, 2012, at 16:08:00
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I don't know what to say except that.
It's hard to find any comfort in this type of pain, no??
Grief...
Since I have no words...Holes
Strangest of gaps
their goneness
mother, father, loved friendsthe black holes
of the astronomer
are not more mysteriousthis kind of hole
will not be filled
with candle flames
or even a thousand thoughtsthe hole is inside us
it brims over
is empty and full at once.- Lillian Morrison
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2012, at 11:05:40
In reply to Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on March 26, 2012, at 16:08:00
I have no words of wisdom, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.
It would be pretty unusual *not* to feel enormously sad and angry in these circumstances. It's a strong reminder of the pain mental illness can cause to everyone involved.
What sorts of volunteering are you interested in doing? It sounds like a great idea to me.
Posted by stewie on March 30, 2012, at 10:22:09
In reply to Re: Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by SLS on March 26, 2012, at 22:38:04
I really want to thank everyone for putting down thoughts here. I hope that with time I will be able to really take them in.
The degree to which people care on this board is heartening.
Diane
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 11, 2012, at 19:48:25
In reply to Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on March 26, 2012, at 16:08:00
No words of wisdom here, Diane, but I am so very sorry. Any death is difficult to deal with but to lose your brother to the black hole is hard. I'll be thinking about you.
(((((((((Diane))))))))))))
Posted by stewie on April 11, 2012, at 20:17:41
In reply to Re: Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by TherapyGirl on April 11, 2012, at 19:48:25
TherapyGirl, thank you.
It is so difficult. I still need to really have a good cry. I cannot believe that it has barely been a month that he is gone.
I can't believe that being sick really got the best of him, and I cannot believe how insensitive the people I deal with on a daily basis are. What is happening to our society that people cannot stop and truly listen and that friends cannot drop by for a few hours?I am one pissed off woman! It's funny, but then again, it really isn't....
> No words of wisdom here, Diane, but I am so very sorry. Any death is difficult to deal with but to lose your brother to the black hole is hard. I'll be thinking about you.
>
> (((((((((Diane))))))))))))
Posted by sigismund on April 11, 2012, at 21:06:21
In reply to Re: Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on April 11, 2012, at 20:17:41
Suicide is the most difficult. And our society is often lonely, at least for me.
Imagine living to be very old, everything you knew having passed. And that can be the good life.
Most often my heart feels quite full of sadness, too full for comfort, and I tell myself this is normal, whatever that means.
I had friends kill themselves. They were so young too. I dunno. The standards of what is acceptable sadness are quite unrealistic, IMO. Like you kind of apologised or warned us about this being a downer about death. And it happens to all of us, every single one, but not today we think. And then suicide is different.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 11, 2012, at 21:31:51
In reply to Re: Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on April 11, 2012, at 20:17:41
I understand your anger and your grief. They are probably going to go hand in hand for a while.
And I don't know what's wrong with people, but I suspect they just don't have a clue what to do or say.
Posted by stewie on April 11, 2012, at 23:19:22
In reply to Re: Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by sigismund on April 11, 2012, at 21:06:21
Sigismund, I, too, share your feeling of lonliness, and other things you mentioned feel all too familiar to me too.
I feel heartbroken when I think of a newly-widowed neighbor and wonder "is living alone like that better than dying too young"?
No doubt about it... this can be a very lonely world for so many of us.
I also just am so heartbroken that my poor brother was so besieged by voices that he had to either listen to them or get away from them or whatever it was that governed his last act.I just want to say that I titled my post as I did just in case DEATH was going to be a trigger for some. Funny that I didn't think that suicide would be.
Thanks so much to the people in this group for "sitting shivah" with me; for visiting with me...> Suicide is the most difficult. And our society is often lonely, at least for me.
>
> Imagine living to be very old, everything you knew having passed. And that can be the good life.
>
> Most often my heart feels quite full of sadness, too full for comfort, and I tell myself this is normal, whatever that means.
>
> I had friends kill themselves. They were so young too. I dunno. The standards of what is acceptable sadness are quite unrealistic, IMO. Like you kind of apologised or warned us about this being a downer about death. And it happens to all of us, every single one, but not today we think. And then suicide is different.
This is the end of the thread.
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