Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 1011195

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feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*

Posted by b2chica on February 22, 2012, at 12:41:36

i have to remember that sometimes my feelings though real are also illusions. in that they will pass with time. the truth stands buried behind them.

i am feeling very suicidal right now. i took some extra gabapentin to slow me down so that i dont act on anything rash.
i want to leave work and act.
i dont want to go to hospital. as i will pretend to be fine. i cant afford another hospital stay.
we have no money.

sometimes i truly think i'm better off dead.
my family will be provided for.
******************

but i realize i'm irreplaceable in my childrens lives. i cant do that to them.
i'm torn and my heart aches.

i have no one to talk to.
what do i do.
if i can stay here at work and not leave i will be ok.
i can imagine but i cant act.

i want to take more pills.
i want to slit my wrists.
i want to breath toxins.
i want to drown.
i want to place cold steel to my head and pull.

i want to sleep.
i want to be loved.
i want to be needed and appreciated.
i want to be help.
i want to make a difference.
i want to make peoples lives better.

i want to be with God.
i want to go home...

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER* b2chica

Posted by Solstice on February 22, 2012, at 14:48:05

In reply to feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*, posted by b2chica on February 22, 2012, at 12:41:36

You sound overwhelmed. I know that feeling.

I like that you understand that you need to stay at work.. for your children's sake.

There were times that I could not imagine taking even one more breath, it was so painful to be alive. It is a terrible place to be.. but if you can just keep breathing, with WILL pass.

Your children need you to keep on breathing.

Take care.. and please know that there are a lot of folks here who understand the pain and overwhelm that you feel. We will all keep breathing together, okay?

(((b2Chica)))

Solstice

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER* Solstice

Posted by Beckett on February 22, 2012, at 16:24:42

In reply to Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER* b2chica, posted by Solstice on February 22, 2012, at 14:48:05

(((b2chica)))

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER* b2chica

Posted by sigismund on February 22, 2012, at 16:49:32

In reply to feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*, posted by b2chica on February 22, 2012, at 12:41:36

>i want to be with God.
>i want to go home...

Of course, Sweetie. I understand completely. Yesterday I was thinking how long it would take me to drink a bottle (750mls) of scotch. I figured 10 minutes would be plenty of time to get it down.

Here is LC on just this subject.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucIS3TEAfsw

The words are very special to me....


I went down to the place
Where I knew she lay waiting
Under the marble and the snow
I said, Mother I'm frightened
The thunder and the lightning
I'll never come through this alone
She said, I'll be with you
My shawl wrapped around you
My hand on your head when you go
And the night came on
It was very calm
I wanted the night to go on and on
But she said, Go back to the World
We were fighting in Egypt
When they signed this agreement
That nobody else had to die
There was this terrible sound
And my father went down
With a terrible wound in his side
He said, Try to go on
Take my books, take my gun
Remember, my son, how they lied
And the night comes on
It's very calm
I'd like to pretend that my father was wrong
But you don't want to lie, not to the young

We were locked in this kitchen
I took to religion
And I wondered how long she would stay
I needed so much
To have nothing to touch
I've always been greedy that way
But my son and my daughter
Climbed out of the water
Crying, Papa, you promised to play
And they lead me away
To the great surprise
It's Papa, don't peek, Papa, cover your eyes
And they hide, they hide in the World

Now I look for her always
I'm lost in this calling
I'm tied to the threads of some prayer
Saying, When will she summon me
When will she come to me
What must I do to prepare
When she bends to my longing
Like a willow, like a fountain
She stands in the luminous air
And the night comes on
And it's very calm
I lie in her arms and says, When I'm gone
I'll be yours, yours for a song

Now the crickets are singing
The vesper bells ringing
The cat's curled asleep in his chair
I'll go down to Bill's Bar
I can make it that far
And I'll see if my friends are still there
Yes, and here's to the few
Who forgive what you do
And the fewer who don't even care
And the night comes on
It's very calm
I want to cross over, I want to go home
But she says, Go back, go back to the World

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*

Posted by sigismund on February 22, 2012, at 19:02:00

In reply to Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER* b2chica, posted by sigismund on February 22, 2012, at 16:49:32

When I try to repeat this

We were locked in this kitchen
I took to religion
And I wondered how long she would stay
I needed so much
To have nothing to touch
I've always been greedy that way
But my son and my daughter
Climbed out of the water
Crying, Papa, you promised to play
And they lead me away
To the great surprise
It's Papa, don't peek, Papa, cover your eyes
And they hide, they hide in the World

especially this part

But my son and my daughter
Climbed out of the water
Crying, Papa, you promised to play
And they lead me away
To the great surprise
It's Papa, don't peek, Papa, cover your eyes

I am always in tears. It has something to do with how innocence is damaged in this world

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*

Posted by emmanuel98 on February 22, 2012, at 19:42:08

In reply to Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*, posted by sigismund on February 22, 2012, at 19:02:00

When these thoughts overwhelm me, I take strong sedatives and sleep for 12-14 hours. I usually feel better after that. Just shutting my brain down for a time usually helps. You have young children and can't abandon them. They would be devastated if you killed yourself. If the thoughts don't pass or lessen, you need to go to a hospital and just take a few days in safety to gain control. My DBT therapist told me the SI is the enemy, not the solution. I also feel sometimes like I want to go home, but home for me was a dangerous unhappy place, so when I think of going home, I think of being dead. So I try to let those thoughts go. My DBT therapist is trying to get me to sit with the thoughts and feelings, not distract myself or let them overwhelm me, but just watch them with curiousity -- okay, I feel this, what is that about? It's hard. I've only just started doing this but it does work. And when it doesn't, I knock myself out with haldol and ativan to shut my brain down for a while.

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*

Posted by b2chica on February 23, 2012, at 7:49:27

In reply to Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*, posted by emmanuel98 on February 22, 2012, at 19:42:08

thank you all for your kind words.
I'm' a bit better this morning. though mornings are always better for me. we'll see what 11:00 brings for me today.
i was able to see solstice response before i left work yesterday.
i needed someone to respond. some sense of not being alone. and i like that she talked about breathing. that was important to me. thank you.

Beckett. thanks for the hugs. those are greatest.
sig i loved the poem and i agree with you on the last part. about tearing innocence.

emmanuel. i did just what you do. i went home a little early. but i went to the gym first. tried to lift weights but mostly just hung around other people a bit. my pdoc called me then and talked with me. i needed to hear from him as well. i then went home and slept. my hubby picked up the girls from daycare and when i got up i felt a little better, not a whole lot but enough to fake it with family. then went to bed about 9:30. i'm still groggy today and a little down but not suicidal.
i'm worried it might be the melatonin that i'm taking. but what's bad is its actually helping me with my sleep. :(
i hope it isn't that.

thank you all.

 

Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER* b2chica

Posted by Solstice on February 23, 2012, at 9:44:21

In reply to Re: feelings are illusions *TRIGGER*, posted by b2chica on February 23, 2012, at 7:49:27

b2Chica -

I wanted to check in on you this morning.. and it's wonderful to see that we're still breathing together :-)

I'm glad you feel better. Please make sure you let us know any time you start sinking.

Fondly,

Solstice


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