Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 966528

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 21, 2010, at 21:49:54

I really need help and feel desperate for someone to turn to. I have been on here before and spoke some then about what is going on, but I feel so alone. I am living at a university, trying to get together my stuff for my final year there. Last February, I began working with a therapist in the Counseling Center here (a free service to students), and we worked together until May, at which point I left for the summer. I became so attached to him with a very deep love. He really did save me during a point in my life where I just needed somewhere to turn. I trusted him so much-- it wasn't really always in what he said-- we often sat together in a shared silence within the chaos-- but rather it was in the compassion and being-with that he shared with me that was healing and salvific. Sometimes I would call in when desperate, and he would always return my call; he always responded to everything that I said with compassion and firmness, yet love.

He left the Counseling Center this September to go out solely into work from his private practice in town. He gave me the option to either go with him and continue to work privately or to be transferred to another counselor in the center. Because I do not have much money and already work a lot now as it is, I felt like I had no choice but to stay with the free service of the Counseling Center on campus. I started working with a new person here, but from the very beginning, I could do nothing but deeply yearn for my old therapist. I have already had about 8 sessions with the new therapist, and yesterday was the worst one ever. I always come in feeling so desperate and obsess all week about my session-- when I get there, I am so overwhelmed with what to say to my doctor that I can't say anything at all. Yesterday, I sat in silence for the first 10 minutes. He just stares at me-- and it doesn't feel compassionate, but rather feels judgmental and cold. I have so many things that I want to share with him, but feel like what I say is trivialized and not taken seriously-- thoughts of suicide most days: not really wanting to die but wanting a way out...I don't know what to do. I don't think he believes me, but sometimes this very fact makes me want to kill myself all the more to prove to him that I really do mean it.

I always leave the sessions on Wed feeling so desperate-- I enter feeling anxious and slightly hopeful and leave feeling utterly lost. There is nowhere to go to now. That is the only place I can go to and be saved-- and I am not finding it there. This morning, I called in and left him a voicemail telling him my feelings. All day, I waited for his call-- but he never responded. My old therapist would have responded the first chance he got-- he would always tell me that he appreciated my calling and that it was good to talk to me. I feel like I really need help and I am not getting it now. I can't keep wrestling with these feelings and thoughts on my own. I feel so desperate and want to be released from this hell. When I try to explain the hell to my new therapist, he often just looks at me like I am crazy. I hate him. I don't think I can make it through the weekend with all of these confused and tormenting feelings.

I don't know what to do.

I wonder if I am seeing things unclearly right now. Maybe I am seeing him as all-bad, when that is actually not totally the case. But I feel abandoned and uncared for by him. Maybe I am right; maybe I should do everything I can to pay the $100 per week to see my old therapist in town. However, I am not sure if that is good-- maybe it is wrong to go back to him. I have so many unresolved feelings with him and am totally obsessed with him. If I went back to him, I think I would fall into the patter of helpless victim needing rescue from him, my God. But maybe these strong feeling indicate a connection that I need to work through and that can heal me. I really don't have the money, but if it is what I need-- dear f*ck*ng god-- to save my life, I will pay it, anything. I don't want to die. But I just can't stand living this way much longer. Tonight is so long and like hell. That's how every day feels...when I talk this way long enough, people like my new therapist tune me out and make me fee like I am making it all up, like I am crazy and bad and should just stop. But I can't.

Does anyone understand?

 

Re: please help

Posted by Solstice on October 22, 2010, at 14:00:46

In reply to please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 21, 2010, at 21:49:54

Annabelle -

I am not new here - I've been a 'lurker' for years, but the pain I could feel the pain in your post was compelling. I can relate to what you are experiencing.

Your situation with this new T is a big deal. After experiencing some repeated life traumas that knocked me down, I entered therapy for the first time, seeing a highly regarded therapist (PhD). At first it was ok enough. But when earlier life traumas rose to the surface, I was in way over my head, and was excruciatingly vulnerable. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life as I let him 'in'. I think my therapist intended to do right by me, but I do not think he had the training/therapeutic instincts/initiative/experience to Be therapeutic for my situation. After 2-3 years of a therapeutic relationship that grew more and more toxic, I was in much worse shape by the time I walked out than when I walked in. The deterioration of that relationship harmed me in ways that I still struggle mightily to recover from. Sometimes I wonder if recovery is really even possible.

Many of the things you mentioned about your new T are painfully familiar to me: "He just stares at me-- and it doesn't feel compassionate, but rather feels judgmental and cold. I have so many things that I want to share with him, but feel like what I say is trivialized and not taken seriously..." I didn't feel compassion coming my way with my T either. I also frequently felt he did not understand me. I tried to talk to him about the effect his methods were having on me. I could spend a whole session working up the courage to tell him that something that took place in that room seemed to be more harmful than helpful. After finally getting it out (with my anxiety in overdrive) his responses often left me feeling like my pain was trivialized. That made me feel judged. I was in chronic emotional pain because he was so misattuned... and so unable to protect the therapeutic relationship.

What I most needed from him was for him to reflect, and try to understand the pain I felt. I needed to hear him say "Solstice, I don't want this relationship to cause you this kind of pain, please tell me what I said/did/etc. that left you feeling misunderstood/judged/etc." But he didn't. And when I brought things up, he just disputed and argued with my account - even when I prefaced it with an acknowledgment that I may have misperceived. I saw him for a total of 4 years - and the last three were the bad years. How I left that relationship is another long story that isn't pertinent right now - but I think it is crucial for you to consider whether this T is just a very bad fit for you. He may be a wonderful therapist for other people, or skilled in treating certain issues... but the relationship pain you are experiencing might indicate a bad fit. You had a good therapist who 'got' you and was effectively therapeutic... and then you got a new T who does not seem to 'get' you, and may have a therapeutic stance that is not going to be good for you. I may be reading my own experience into yours, but I suspect it's not so much about your being hopelessly attached to the previous therapist, as it's that you have spent a long period of time in a new therapy that is Not working, and may even have the potential to harm you. You might be obsessing about your old T because you are experiencing a lot of pain, and Old T is where you last felt safe. We all run to safety when in pain. If your new T had a therapeutic stance that left you feeling accepted, cared for, understood.. I'd wager that although you'd experience the normal issues adjusting to a different T person - your new T succeeding at creating an environment where you felt safe, accepted, understood, and cared for would still leave you feeling therapeutically 'held.' This new T relationship is not 'holding' you - and you need to do whatever you can to find a therapeutic relationship that 'holds' you. Your previous therapist's style in handling phone calls is a perfect example of a T knowing how to ensure the relationship 'held' you.

Sorry this is so long, but your situation really struck a nerve with me. I stayed in a toxic therapeutic relationship for more than two years, and on a daily basis, I regret it. I don't think my T meant to harm me, but he was blind to what was happening to me while I was in his care.. in that room with him. I think the naked trust that is involved in therapy is what makes a bad fit so harmful to the client. I have a good T now. You went from good to bad, and I went from bad to good. If I'd have had my current T first, I'd have known that what was happening with Toxic T was not working. Instead, I blamed myself for the problems (and Toxic T also suggested it was 'me' that was the problem).

I'd better stop before I wander around too much. I hope sharing some of my experience is helpful to you.

Take good care...

Solstice

 

Re: please help » Annabelle Smith

Posted by lucielu2 on October 22, 2010, at 16:39:46

In reply to please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 21, 2010, at 21:49:54

Annabelle,

It seems like you are grieving the loss of your first T, which is understandable given the deep significance of this relationship for you. It would be helpful to have someone in the wings who can support you as you work through the loss. Unfortunately, it sounds like this T may not be the one for you. It is possible that any new T would suffer by comparison with your previous T, but you don't seem like someone who would not take comfort and support from another T if it were offered in the way you need. Is there another T that you can see?

Lucie

 

Re: please help

Posted by emmanuel98 on October 22, 2010, at 21:26:06

In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by lucielu2 on October 22, 2010, at 16:39:46

This T is definitely not a good fit for you. Can you go to the counseling center at school and ask for another counselor?

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 0:29:09

In reply to please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 21, 2010, at 21:49:54

Thank you all for your responses. It helps me so much to hear that other people do understand.

Solstice, wow-- it sounds like you have had a really rough time. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. As I read about your experiences with your therapist, I don't think that my current one is as unfeeling and unattuned. I don't think he would knowingly upset me on purpose; in fact, I have felt moments of genuine connection with him in the past and have felt a deep love and dependence upon him-- at least this was being fostered. That is probably why the session on Wednesday was so upsetting to me. I sensed something different going on-- he felt more removed and distant than usual. I took it to mean that he was getting tired of the way that I act: coming in, sitting down, going blank, staring at the clock, stammaring, etc. I made the comment that I felt stuck and so upset that I was wasting time, but didn't know what else to do. He responded matter of factly (I too it as uncompassionately) that it is my 45-min and I can sit and stare at the clock if I want to. He didn't help me. The worse part was his not returning my phone call. It took so much courage to dial that number and attempt to leave a message-- I waited all day, anticipating especially during the last 10 min of every hour-- but no call.

That seems small, but it reconfirms to me what I have felt all along-- the emptiness and grief that I have felt since May when I had to stop meeting with my old therapist. I felt so safe with him, and I trusted him. My time with him evokes nearly a sort of merging feeling of primal love from a very deep part of my being. That is what I grieve.

My thoughts go back and forth, back and forth. I actually have thought a couple of times that maybe my work with my new therapist can be more helpful than that with my old, because I don't feel the same kind of distressingly deep attachment to him and I might be able to talk through more things. However, the way that my old therapist helped me was in his being-with-- he is so compassionate and I was able to reach an emotional attunement with me that makes me feel safe in my chaos. I actually called my old therapist today and left him a voicemail; he responded two hours later and talked to me for 20 minutes. We talked about my reinitiation of therapy with him. It will probably cost me about $90 a week, which I can barely afford, but I think it is worth it to not feel the distress I have been feeling.

Now, I am just trying to decide whether to start back with my old therapist, whose loss I have been grieving for months or whether to keep working with my new therapist, who i am currently very hurt by but whom I have felt attached (though to a far lesser degree than my old therapist) in the past. On the phone, my old therapist told me that I had to make the decision for myself, that he couldn't make it for me; but he said that whatever I chose, I would make the right choice. One fear I have is that if I go back to my old therapist, I might have to deal with the grief of the attachments that I have formed with my new therapist. There is always grief and loss and it aches.

I think I know what my heart is telling me to do-- I think it is worth the price that I will pay, financially and the grief and uncomfortable feelings I will work through emotionally. Solstice, like you said, it is so hard to find someone who "gets" you: when you do, that is a gift. I have found that and I think must go with that-- go to the place where I am safe and can trust.

What do you think?

 

Re: please help

Posted by Solstice on October 23, 2010, at 8:49:52

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 0:29:09

Hi Annabelle -

What do I think? I think your instincts are directing you, and I think the dust is clearing for you, and you are smart and 'see' what is best for you.

I want to clarify that my 'Toxic T' was not a 'bad' person. It was not his intent to cause me harm. I think he was a little on the arrogant side (not introspective enough to want to really listen to what I was trying to tell him). He was misguided. Bottom line, though, is that in his role of being the 'keeper' of my trust, I think he failed his professional obligation to seek out whatever consult he needed to have in order to figure out what was going wrong. He rather quickly decided that it was 'me' that was the problem - and did not see himself as having anything to do with my being re-traumatized by how he handled the 'therapy'. And similarly to you, during my first year with him, I had adequate enough attachment to him. I felt 'safe enough' to let him in, to trust that he had my best interests at heart. He returned phone calls. But during the last two years, I was increasingly anxious when arriving for therapy. I dreaded being in that room with him. It was a painful place - where I walked out in much worse shape than when I walked in. I was misguided in thinking it was just part of the therapeutic process... that it would resolve if I toughed it out and stuck with it like a good soldier. That's not the way it worked, though. The therapeutic alliance was so badly damaged, in so many ways... and my psyche collapsed as a result. I'll tell you this: In my experience, whatever psychological/emotional harm has been done to you throughout your life - a toxic therapeutic relationship can make it much worse.

So Annabelle - you owe it to yourself to make sure you are in a therapeutic relationship that feels safe - where you feel he is attuned to you. He doesn't have to agree with you or support your maladaptive behavior, but the relationship itself must feel safe for any therapy to take place.

Solstice

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 10:54:17

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Solstice on October 23, 2010, at 8:49:52

Thanks, Solstice.

I think my instincts tell me to go with my old therapist. I wonder if the financial factor is at all working at me beneath the surface. He charges $100 per session typically, but has a sliding scale. I don't know how to figure out what I can pay him on a sliding scale. I have a little money in my bank account now and earn $96 per week at my job. He told me to talk to my parents to help me see what we thought we could afford. I haven't talked to my parents about it yet-- I almost don't want to tell them. My family is not very wealthy and I think they would see me going back to him, instead of using the free service I have, as being selfish.

I just made up a number and told him that I could pay $90 a week, but I don't know that I really can. How do you figure out what you can pay on a sliding scale? This is something that I feel so awkward talking to my therapist about.

 

Re: please help

Posted by Solstice on October 23, 2010, at 12:33:31

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 10:54:17

Maybe you should tell him the whole thinga? Show him your angst-filled post. Tell him how much you make each week. Tell him that your parents don't have much, and that you're worried that they won't understand your need to change from the free service to your previous therapist. (Your therapist will understand the significance of your need to change). Bottom line is that it's not like you didn't try! You've spent several months trying to make it work at the free service, and it was not until your instincts were telling you that it was harming you that you even thought of trying to figure out how to afford it. Sliding scales are normally done based on what you make. Sometimes there is a minimum, but most reputable therapists make it a point to have some pro bono (free) spots available. They don't hand them out for no good reason, but your situation is compelling, and if I were him I'd give serious consideration to offering you a spot at a token fee (like $10 or whatever).

Solstice

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 12:44:05

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Solstice on October 23, 2010, at 12:33:31

Thank you so much, Solstice.

Our talking on here has helped me decide what my heart had decided all along-- I need to go back to my old therapist. I am currently spending the day working on my resume and seeing about getting a second job. I also might ask my parents if they could afford to help me out with maybe contributing $40 a week. I can try to eat less and more cheaply and save money that way.

I will try to talk to my therapist about this too and see what he thinks. I have no idea how a sliding scale works.

I think that this entire process of deciding has given me a glint of hope as it has shown me that I do have agency and can decide. I don't know how to tell my current therapist that I am terminating and am going back to my old therapist. I talk about my old therapist all of the time in sessions. I think for me the easiest thing to do would be to either email him or leave him a voicemail and briefly tell him what I have decided. I don't think I can go to another session with him because then I might become confused about my decision.

 

Re: please help

Posted by Solstice on October 23, 2010, at 13:25:32

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 12:44:05

Wow! You have got some dynamite instincts, girl.

You are spot on about the agency thing. I wish to goodness that I had felt that sense of agency when I was spiraling downward in a toxic therapy. It was actually a very quirky thing that extracted me. It's too long of a story to share on your thread here, but I congratulate you on knowing that you DO have the agency! If therapy is not helping you - then you owe it to your well-being to get out of there. That 'free' therapy might 'cost' you way more than the cost of asking for family contributions or getting an extra job. The biggest cost of all is if it (the free therapy) were to damage you in ways that mine damaged me. My current therapist tells me that it is amazing that I have been able to 'do' therapy at all.

Anyway, I think you have a fab plan goin' there. And don't worry about your attachment to your previous therapist. If he knows what the heck he's doing, then that attachment is a good thing... it can 'save' you. :)

Solstice

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 25, 2010, at 6:56:06

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Solstice on October 23, 2010, at 13:25:32

So today is the day that I have to make my decision. I've had a really screwed up sleeping schedule the past few weeks, but got up this morning at 4:30 because I am so worried about this. Today I feel so anxious and chaotic. I don't know if I am making the right decision-- now, I am second-guessing everything. It all even makes me feel somewhat nauseous-- dizzy with a continual feeling of a need to vomit-- so I took NyQuil and went to bed early last night. But this morning I feel so strange-- like a totally different person than I was on Saturday. Saturday was one of the best days that I have had in months.

I had been so paralyzed in life; especially on Friday, I was so upset that I was paralyzed for the day. After I talked to my old therapist on the phone, I was able to salvage the rest of the evening by writing a poem and then working on a paper for a class-- talking to my old therapist enabled me to write the poem which, together, enabled me to free my mind enough from distress to be able to use the evening productively to actually write part of a paper for a class.

I think at this point, I was already deciding to go back and work with him. On Saturday, as I talked with you all on here and gave it time, the decision solidified. I had to go back and work with him. Something about this totally changed me. Saturday was the best and most productive day that I have had in months. I finally created my resume, applied for another job, and started two applications to grad schools. I felt light and determined and able. I wonder why this happened? It might be because of the safety that I feel in the therapeutic bond with my old therapist-- within that relationship again I now feel safe enough to try new things and take more risks with my life. Or, it might have just been that I had exercised agency and chosen and in so doing, felt competent and proud of myself, enabling me to venture out in excitement.

At any rate, that faded yesterday and is gone now. Now, I am so worried. I already am beginning to grieve the loss of my new therapist-- although we weren't as attuned, he still helped me and I shared precious things with him so much so that it feels like he also has a part of my "self" now that I need back. Either way I go, I lose part of my "self" and I grieve. Then I started worrying that what if I go back to my old therapist and it is not what I had imagined. When I first started working with my new therapist, despite the grief over losing my old therapist, one initial thought was that maybe now is a chance to start over again and look at things from a different perspective. Because I didn't feel so emotionally attuned and attached to him, I was able to tell him things that were for me more embarrassing, like about eating disorders and such. Also, we talked about Borderline Personality Disorder as a label, something that my old therapist didn't really agree with giving to me.

But as I think about it, my new therapist "gets" me on one level very well-- he understands things great on a cognitive level and gives me many interpretations. We "talk" more than I used to with my old therapist. However, I feel like my old therapist "gets" me on a deeper level of being-- he is attuned emotionally and I think therefore also cognitively, though we often didn't talk as much as we sometimes took the time to "be." But then I think he doesn't know the real "me," just the self that I selectively presented to him in sessions last year. I want a chance to start over with a new self. But how deeply I fear I will fall into old patterns or be misunderstood-- and then where to go?!

One more thing: Over the past few weeks, I would find myself obsessively having 200+ conversations with my new therapist a week in my head-- usually conversations in my room that I would say out loud. I would tell him all of these things and articulate in a way with which I was very pleased. I would go to session and not be able to speak at all. And again and again each week. I used to do this with my old therapist last year. Friday and Saturday were transition days-- I didn't have these kind of conversations with anybody-- maybe that is why I felt more real and was more productive? However, on Saturday night and on Sunday, the same incessant conversations began, but this time, with my new therapist. The old therapist that I had so obsessively talked with all of last week was off the radar now and it was the same situation with a different person.

Sorry that I wrote so much but I feel so confused.

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 1:13:15

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 25, 2010, at 6:56:06

So I thought I would post a follow-up here.

I went to see my old therapist last week, and left feeling disappointed and depressed. For months, I had longed only to see and sit and talk with him and now, when I finally get to, it is not what I had imagined. I think I have idealized him so highly that in his absence alone-- and not in his real presence-- can he meet my high expectations and demands. However, I think that I am going to go back to working with him again. I am still so attached to him-- I even feel ashamed about this. It is like when I am in the room with him, I know that we are two separate physical bodies, but psychically, I usually feel either totally disconnected, but often merged or enmeshed with him. I think that might be the source of my deep longing for him all summer. I would sometimes see him in passing on campus at my university, and when I would see him, I would feel such a deep hope and dread, like I was seeing part of myself that is trapped in him.

I think that I need to work through this attachment, but it scares me.

I feel like I am in a bad place now, being in between two different therapists and feeling disconnected from both. The time in between my sessions feels like an eternity, and I am so tired. I feel like I am losing control of myself. I am trying to lose weight, but am so stressed with all of my assignments and papers and need for applications to schools and jobs that I binge. I binged just now tonight on cookies and chips and I feel fatter and fatter and more out of control each day. The problems seem insurmountable, like I can't face them anymore.

 

Re: please help » Annabelle Smith

Posted by Mystickangaroo on November 1, 2010, at 6:33:47

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 1:13:15

Hey Annabelle

Hang in there. Punishing yourself for being in pain is cruel. Transitions are not easy.

Be gentle on yourself. you are not losing it. one day at a time is all you have to manage. Assessment tasks are hard on the psyche.

Take care
Mystic

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 14:11:20

In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Mystickangaroo on November 1, 2010, at 6:33:47

I need help. I don't feel like there is a way out. Everything is just adding up and making it too much.

No one who knows me will believe me when I tell them this, and it makes me think that I need to show them.

 

Re: please help » Annabelle Smith

Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2010, at 15:45:32

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 14:11:20

I know that feeling. I also know that when I try to show others something, they rarely receive the message I'm trying to send.

Can you call your therapist? It sounds as if you have a good relationship with them both.

Deep breaths. One step at a time. When I find life overwhelming, I try to remember that I don't need to face all of it right now. Just a day's worth. Or an hour's worth. Or sometimes just a minute's worth.

Take care.

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 18:24:42

In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2010, at 15:45:32

Thanks, Dinah.

I want more than anything, anything, anything just for someone to really know what is going on. I long to communicate this to my therapist, but I have this thing where I always tend to say things indirectly and hope that people will interpret the clues correctly and understand what I really want to say.

So in therapy I do tell my therapist how I really feel in that I generally say that I feel trapped and need a way out, and that I feel this way every day, often very strongly many times each day. What I want him to interpret from this and what I really want to say is that I think about suicide all of the time and have for many months now-- ways to do it, consequences of doing it, fears and ambivalences towards it. I want to share this with him and not be alone in this.

I say that I feel angry sometimes, but what I don't tell him is that I often feel such rage that I scratch my arms until they stay streaked for days to release what is inside. I tell him that I feel very attached to him, but what I don't say is that I am totally obsessed-- that I can't stand to be apart from him, that I feel like he is God and feel so safe and protected with him, that I sometimes have to listen to his saved voicemails in my phone to hear his voice and know that he is still there and that he still cares.

I tell him that I don't know how to ask for help or communicate the chaos to anyone; what I don't tell him is that I often feel as though the only way to get anyone's attention and to make them believe me that something is not OK-- instead of people just telling me like my mom and others have done that nothing is wrong or that it's just depression or anxiety and that everyone feels this way and that I'm fine-- is to do something that might not end in death, but that would end in the hospital. I haven't done this yet, but it's not like I don't think about it every day.

This is what I want to say to him, but my biggest fear aside from his withdrawal in disgust and overwhelming need is that he will not beleive me. Just like everybody else, I'm afraid he will also tell me that I am fine and that nothing is really going on. He is the only person that I can be honest with, and I am so afraid to be honest. I think that is why I cherish so deeply my deep secrets and hold on to them so strongly-- it's why I speak indirectly, because to speak directly cheapens everything. Your deepest truth and most precious and painful core may be thrown out and trampled on.

Sometimes, I think I just know too much of what is actually going on. I have researched a lot and am actually taking a course at my university now on psychoanalytic theory and religion. My professor is a pastoral counselor and knows my therapist well. In class, I am learning and interacting as a clinician; in therapy, I am a patient; in real life, I don't know what the hell I am-- both? neither? a chaotic contradiction?
I know much more than my therapist thinks I do; so much so, that I fear I can manipulate without wanting or meaning to.

It's all so confusing and messed up.

 

Re: please help

Posted by emmanuel98 on November 1, 2010, at 22:06:21

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 18:24:42

You need to tell him how you feel -- the suicidal thoughts, the self-harming, the idealization of him. If he's worth his salt as a therapist, he will take this all very seriously, not judge you, not tell you to buck up or it's all in your head (of course it's all in your head, but that's the point of therapy, right? To deal with all the junk that's in your head) If you can't tell him, write it down and give it to him to read. Print out your last post and give it to him. Really. Therapy can't help you unless you can be honest about what's going on inside.

 

Re: please help » Annabelle Smith

Posted by Dinah on November 2, 2010, at 0:06:13

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 18:24:42

I agree with Emmanuel. You expressed your feelings very well in this post. You should bring it to him.

The thing is that we all have a fantasy for the people around us to understand us without having to explain. To read our minds. To know what to do or not do without our having to tell them. For our therapists to hear what we're indirectly saying. To have someone understand us so thoroughly that the division between us and them is so slight that they can have this deep understanding of what we want or need.

It's a wonderful fantasy. But it's not going to happen. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. Learning to express directly how you're feeling and what you need is likely more helpful. The reality is that others aren't in our heads. They don't know what we're thinking. They misread our clues. They hear what we don't say. They just don't hear what we are trying not to say, they hear their own interpretations.

Acting out what you want to say has even less of a chance of being effective communication. Yes, I understand the impulse. I still get it at times when I feel my therapist is minimizing my pain. When I feel like he's telling me I can deal with it, that I've dealt with it in the past. I get the desire to show him that I can't deal with it, that he's wrong not to take my pain seriously.

But if I were to act out to express myself, he *would not* understand what I was saying. He'd likely hear something completely different. The impulse to act out isn't "bad". It's just that acting out is a really ineffective means of communication.

Bring in your post, and let your therapist help you. He can only help you if he understands. He'll only understand if you explain it. Very explicitly at times. Or at least with my therapist I have to really spell it out sometimes. :)

The fantasy is wonderful. The reality can be nice in its own way, when you learn to convey your needs with words, and have at least some of them met.

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 2, 2010, at 20:37:33

In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on November 2, 2010, at 0:06:13

Thanks, you all.

I thought that I was supposed to see my therapist today, but I got confused and it's not until late afternoon Thursday. I had gotten all prepared to see him today-- I have patterns of being and feeling during the week that structure themselves around my sessions. Usually I am most depressed and feel the most alone two nights before the session; then, the day before and the day of, I begin to feel a little hope, like there is a sort of safety and salvation-- if even momentary-- coming up. Then, I am most depressed an hour after it's over, as it will be at least another week if not longer before salvation comes back again.

When I found out today, that it's not until Thursay, I began to count down the hours until I would be there-- 50 at that point. And then I thought to myself that I could just not sleep and just wait, wait, wait.

Can anyone relate? It feels like hell.

Please, just one more thing. This is about being unable to communicate. I have this fear that even my therapist can't help me. I am afraid to call him when I feel distressed, and I can't tell him what is really going on. I think I have been imagining all along that he understands me and knows the truth from my implicit gestures and clues. But realistically, I think he has no idea. I feel unreal and disconnected from my emotions-- like I have to be everything at once. I was sitting in my class today as my professor is telling us about a borderline clinical case. I am sitting there nodding my head, as I learn the theory and am among my peers and classmates, some of whom are PhD students, on the path to become clinicians themselves. But inside, I am thinking oh my f*ck*ng God, that is me! I can relate to this case! THis is how I feel. But no one would believe me if I told them that. This is why I feel trapped. It is a bad position.

 

Re: please help » Annabelle Smith

Posted by Solstice on November 3, 2010, at 13:57:59

In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on November 2, 2010, at 20:37:33

Annabelle

Maybe take him a copy of your post to your next session, or email it to him ahead of time. Only way he can help you is if he hears what you're not telling him. Plus, chances are extremely high that you will walk out of there feeling that he really does understand what's going on inside you.. and he'll help you figure out what to do when you're distressed.

That in turn will provide you with a healing experience of your worst fears not taking place. As you experience your relationship with him (but you've gotta be willing to tslk!) reacting kindly toward you, his being able to make you feel safe, heard, understood... those things will make you feel more stable, and over time you'll feel less and less afraid to talk about the things that distress you.

As for between session contact, my therapist and I have a deal where I can send texts or emails any time of day or night. I know I won't get a response the majority of the time - but there have been times where I needed to reach out and feel like I'd contacted my therapist. Since I've experienced T as caring and interested, it's easy for me to perceive that when I send that text or email, it's been received & read, and T is interested and caring. When we meet again, T usually brings up the content of my text or email. Now if my T gets a text from me and it sounds like I'm more distressed than s/he thinks is good, I'm gonna get a phone call from T checking on me.. offering a sooner session, or just talking to me about it for a few minutes. I don't know exactly what it is about that that does it, but there is something about that process that has had profoundly healing properties for me. I should add that I'm not overly high-maintenance. I don't frequently contact T out-of-session - at least not with a tone that is concerning enough to T to provoke a phone call to me. But this process has worked to leave me feeling utterly and safely grounded because I know that I do not have to bear intense distress alone. A few minutes of conversation and hearing a voice that has been part of so many therapeutically healing experiences is often all I need for intense distress to subside.

And for me, being vulnerable to high distress seems to come in waves. I will have extended periods where I am functioning well and handling everything just fine. Then, some circumstances will pop up that throw me back into an unbearably painful place (kinda PTSD-ish), and I'll regress into a 'needier' state. I think my T has judged me as more likely to avoid relying on the therapeutic relationship when I'm in my worst distress than behaving in a hyper-needy way. I think that may this arrangement developed between us. I've never had anyone I felt I could rely on, and my 'becoming' attached to T has been a big deal to my T. My T kind of figured out how to make it happen despite my reluctance (like sneaking broccoli into a meal that your kid will eat:).

Anyway, T's are all so different in how (and whether) they can accommodate between-session contact, but that's how mine works.. and maybe you and your T can figure out a way to deal with it when you're in high distress between sessions that works for the two of you. My experience with knowing that my T will NOT leave me stranded and in pain has a side-effect of minimizing my need for between-session contact. I know if I need to 'touch' my T, one way or another it will be there. I think this is part of what my T refers to as the therapeutic relationship itself 'holding' a client.

Solstice

 

Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 6, 2010, at 22:31:29

In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Solstice on November 3, 2010, at 13:57:59

It feels like a nightmare, and I feel like a murderer. I never could have imagined that this is where it could ever bein this hell of chaos.

I kill goodness and happiness with envy. I kill the chances that I have. I kill relationships and then lament what feels like an intolerable loneliness. I am killing the people that I love by isolating myself from them, faking it to them, and then getting angry with them when I speak to them. I kill my freedom. I kill time, and I feel like I am killing my life. Hope is what is killed constantly. It all feels like a waste.

I cant tell what is real. Sometimes I feel competent and motivated, comfortable around other people and affirmed in being who I am in the moment. But more often, I feel like there is something wrong with me. Some days, like today, I feel embarrassed to exist and to leave my room is a great struggle. Being around other people feels like being consumed. All of these feelings of being stupid, ugly, fat, undesirable, incapable, selfish come up and I want to wish myself out of existence. It feels like something is fundamentally flawed with me that is not so in other people. This makes relationships so hard; but I have noticed that I usually feel the former affirmation only when being in relation with others. In isolation, it is as if there is no one to reflect back my experiences and reality, and so I begin to feel unreal and bad. It is a constant, daily, sometimes hourly back-and-forth. It colors the way that all of reality looks. Sometimes I can believe there might be hope, and God even seems real. But more often, God seems unreal and it feels like death is the only realitydeath, grief, and an aching emptiness. This goes back and forth, back and forth too.

Tonight it is the emptiness and it feels like it will never end. It makes me want to fight it by never sleeping. I dont know where the last 3 months went. Time just disappears into thin air, and I feel like I am running out of it to fix things and figure things out.


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