Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 963658

Shown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on September 24, 2010, at 21:40:49

Does anyone on here know about borderline personality disorder? Has it been your experience that many therapists do not readily diagnose BPD?

There is a strange feeling that is always there, haunting, like an emptiness in the core of my being. It is especially bad at night. Sometimes I don't even know what to do-- I can't stand to sit with myself. I have frantically tried over and over again, and cannot define what "it" is. I have filled notebooks and many pieces of paper, just trying to capture what is missing and awry. But it eludes me. Sometimes I feel stuck in a spiral, drowning in words and thoughts that can't be expressed. Sometimes I feel so bored with life-- I am attending a good university, am well into my field of study-- religion/philosophy-- with what might be a promising future-- but I feel so empty and directionless.

I started going to therapy last spring but my therapist left the university in September, and I am now seeing someone new. The thing is, upon entering therapy, I got worse in some ways. I became very dependent, clingy and obsessive about my therapist. My old therapist is gone and it hurts so badly. Sometimes I have had to play saved voicemail messages that he sent me over and over again just to feel a little relief. I am aware that when I enter into the therapy session now with my new therapist (and the same happened with my old therapist), a change comes over me. I become very, very anxious and can't have coherent thoughts or speech. I end up feeling like I wasted the entire session, despite the fact that all week, it is all that I think about and all that makes me feel like I can make it through. I am consciously aware that I often make my therapist (as well as other authority figures in my life) out to be the god who can care for me and save me while I simultaneously take on a helpless position. It happens automatically. I feel like I am lying and faking it, but I am not doing so on purpose. When a session goes what I feel is poorly-- meaning that I leave feeling like I said absolutely nothing because of panicking-- I feel utterly depressed, sometimes wanting to die. Sometimes I scratch my wrists. I have an intense desire then to call my therapist, but usually resist because I know I am obsessive and am afraid for him to know. He says that I must be open in sessions and that he won't leave or reject, but I am afraid. If I tell him how obsessed I really am he will think poorly of me. But if I don't I don't know that I can ever get better.

I feel so fake, like I live two lives. One in my head and when I'm alone; one with everyone else in my life. My mind is chaos, and it feels like hell. No one has ever told me that I have BPD, even when I bring it up-- they deny it or brush it away. But I have researched extensively and actually have incorporated parts of psychoanalytic theory with my religion academic work and am nearly convinced that I fit the label. I feel like something is being denied to me. I feel alone and scared and each day is like a new hell that I can't tell anyone about, even my therapist.

Is this a common feeling? Can anybody else relate?

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by mystickangaroo on September 24, 2010, at 23:46:05

In reply to borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 24, 2010, at 21:40:49

Welcome Annabelle

So sad that you feel as you do but good that you found psychobabble.

I feel the way you do. Not all the time but definitely have had long nights of ALONE. And the whole panic of therapy Oh yeah sister I have been there. I have to travel 7hrs all up to get there and back and the pressure to make every second count is HUGE. I tell my self it is the effort of getting there that makes thereapy hard but that is not true. It is sitting there being honest with another human being whom I adore that I am feeling lower than a snake's bottom and thinking she thinks that too.

It has taken us (me) over a year for me to be able to sit still in her office. I still find eye contact a monumental effort. My T has only just realised how painful all this is for me ( I had her "fooled" because I am good at research and know a bit aobut pysch) OK I admitted how out of control my insides are so now she is not going to do any therapy with me til I can sit and drink a cup off coffee with her with me knowing that I am safe. Goodness only knows how long that will take...

My T hates diagnosis. She says that they can become prescriptive and what difference does it make as I am in therapy and working with her to find a new way of being so I have started to change so what ever the issue is it is changing...
And I am good at finding labels and living up to them so I am doing my best to trust her and not 2nd guess what is happening just trust the process. (Scares me witless some days but that is part of the process for me too!!)

Take care of yourself and be gentle. not easy I know. Reality is you are doing the best you can today.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith

Posted by obsidian on September 25, 2010, at 14:02:52

In reply to borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 24, 2010, at 21:40:49

sure, I understand a lot of that.
I'd be careful about labeling yourself. It might end up making you feel worse.
Being attached to someone, especially someone you want in your life can be frightening....this can be quite intense particularly if you have had less than ideal attachment experiences in your life.
It's a horrible place to be stuck really, needing very much to relate and connect and being unable to tolerate the experience of it because of the fear, maybe of rejection, abandonment.
I'm not really sure that there are a lot of people out there who really don't want to have relationships with people, and wanting to depend on people to a certain extent is absolutely normal.
I kind of think about kids....when they know their parent isn't going anywhere, when they don't question whether they are loved, then they can experience the world in a similar way. When they can know that this is consistent, they don't have to be preoccupied with it, and they spend their energy in other ways.
In my case, my feelings became easier to manage over time, it got a lot better, but it was pretty awful in the beginning of therapy.
I hope you have a therapist you can talk to about this...maybe write it down and take it with you.
The feelings aren't wrong, it's the managing them part that is a real challenge.
take care,
sid

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 14:24:12

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith, posted by obsidian on September 25, 2010, at 14:02:52

Thank you Mystickangaroo and Sid.

You mention writing something down. I think about the post I have written here. This is the prime example of something that I want my therapist to read yet do not want him to read. I want him to know and I don't want him to know. I obsessively wonder how I should prepare for therapy sessions. My therapist tells me to just come in as I am and share what I have-- but what I have is so scattered. I have thought about bringing written thoughts in to share with him-- maybe I could even read what I have written here. Do you think that would be a good idea? I think it would feel very awkward, as our sessions are interpersonally dynamic. He doesn't write anything down the entire time, but makes eye contact and talks.

Do you think it would be OK then to write down thoughts-- like what I have here-- and read them to him for 5 min or so? Is that inauthentic? I think it would give us both a better idea of where I am at as opposed to the panicked stuttering.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith

Posted by mystickangaroo on September 25, 2010, at 17:01:10

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 14:24:12

Hello Annabelle

I write to my T all the time in a special book that I know she will read. Early on she would read the book herself to herself. AAArgh at the start but it was so much easier than me talking. Then she would ask me a really general question about something.

Later on (months later) She might read a bit out loud. Again gut wrenching but wow it helped me talk.

months later I would take the book with me and tell her what I had written.

A year down the track I still write but don't always take the book with me but when I feel stuck or need to rehearse what I say then I can think about what is in the book and that helps me talk.

I have found the book has helped me be more authentic. For me writing bypassed (slowly) the anxiety. I am always aware that my T will know what is in the book ~ when I choose to share it. She even suggessted putting post it notes in it to say read this or skip this bit and she would do that.

Writing has helped me be authentically scared and so we have been able to work on that very slowly.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 17:47:55

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith, posted by mystickangaroo on September 25, 2010, at 17:01:10

Thinking about all of this makes me feel like I'm in hell. Swirling thoughts. up and down. and chaos. I don't have my session until Wednesday and I feel like I can't stand it until then. I have to write papers for my courses and can't concentrate. It makes me feel dizzy and gives me a desire to binge or do anything to take away the confusion and chaos.

It goes back and forth between totally dependency and a desire for total independence. Either I want someone to totally save or I don't want their help at all. But I know that I can't do it by myself.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 17:52:08

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 14:24:12

Thanks, Mystickangaroo.

How often do people typically meet for sessions? At my university, we can only meet once per week. At the initial intake session, my therapist said that we would probably have to go down to meeting once every other week b/c of his schedule. This terrifies me. I am afraid to tell him how scary this is because I fear that it is selfish. However, I really feel like I need to meet every week- I can hardly make it from session to session. My next one is Wed and it feels like an eternity away.

Sometimes I am scared of getting better, and when I occasionally do have a good moment or part of the day, I am scared and become depressed. I fear that if I show any improvement or am in an up-swing in one session, that he will think I am better and cut down to every other week or no meetings at all. But I am afraid that I won't actually be better and will need more help.

How often did you meet with your therapist?

 

Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith

Posted by mystickangaroo on September 25, 2010, at 18:22:02

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 17:52:08

OOOh Annabelle life sounds darn painful for you.

When I started therapy it was once a month. I needed therapy to start therapy!!

What you are writing does not sound selfish. It sounds to me like you are hearing your own needs and trying to do something about it. That is not selfish. That is self care. Being responsible. A. Good. Thing.

How about you take one session at a time. Trust takes time to develop. It is ok to tell your story. When you are ready. I am finding now that the number of sessions is not so important as knowing there will be a session. But I know I am in a different place to you.

Is there any way of getting some academic support for yourself??

On days when I am having trouble coping I ring anonoymous help lines and cry. I find that relieves the tension enough for me to function. And write in my book.And I know that will be looked after when I am in session so I don't need to go over it in my head all the time. Well that is the theory. Doesn't always work but I give it a go.

don't forget Babble is here

Take care

 

Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith

Posted by obsidian on September 25, 2010, at 20:10:34

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 14:24:12

> Thank you Mystickangaroo and Sid.
>
> You mention writing something down. I think about the post I have written here. This is the prime example of something that I want my therapist to read yet do not want him to read. I want him to know and I don't want him to know. I obsessively wonder how I should prepare for therapy sessions. My therapist tells me to just come in as I am and share what I have-- but what I have is so scattered. I have thought about bringing written thoughts in to share with him-- maybe I could even read what I have written here. Do you think that would be a good idea? I think it would feel very awkward, as our sessions are interpersonally dynamic. He doesn't write anything down the entire time, but makes eye contact and talks.
>
> Do you think it would be OK then to write down thoughts-- like what I have here-- and read them to him for 5 min or so? Is that inauthentic? I think it would give us both a better idea of where I am at as opposed to the panicked stuttering.

I think it would be ok to do whatever might be helpful to you. If your therapist has any comments about that, well then you can talk about the why of it. Remember that the therapy is for you, and if something is causing you distress than it is absolutely something to try and get to.
Take good care of yourself,
sid
>
>

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by emmanuel98 on September 26, 2010, at 4:56:20

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 25, 2010, at 17:52:08

Boy, does this sound familiar. I had been in once-a-week therapy for about four or five months when my therapist said something about maybe we oculd meet every other week. I think it was to reduce my intense feelings for him --that if we met less frequently, I would be less obsessed with him.

I swear, that comment undid me. I was already waking up every morning counting the days to our next appointment and thought about nothing else all week. Two weekes would have felt like torturre. But he never mentioned it again and we continued on weekly apppointments for enough years that now I can check in every three weeks and not feel aband6nded.


 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by emmanuel98 on September 26, 2010, at 5:13:10

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith, posted by mystickangaroo on September 25, 2010, at 18:22:02

At the brg5nn5ng, I would sometines write thinks down to read to him, but thr trth was that once I got there, I was so shy of him and so tongue-tied, I couldn't read any more easiy rhan I could speak, so I stopped doing that.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on September 26, 2010, at 10:45:53

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by emmanuel98 on September 26, 2010, at 5:13:10

Thank you, Emmanuel.

I am sorry that you have had to feel all of that, but wow, it helps me to know that I am not the only one. I am so ashamed of my feelings. There is only one word to describe them: obsessed. And neither my old therapist or my current therapist has any idea.

Do you think it is best to talk to them about how I feel? I just don't know how. At my second session, I brought in a handful of notebooks and a piece of art that I had made a couple of months ago that I thought captured beyond the cage of words how I felt. But I became so shy and yes, tongue-tied in his presence, that I couldn't read or show him any of it. And than I left so desperate and aching and empty.

My therapist says that I can talk to him about anything, and he won't leave. I think I believe him with regard to anxiety, ed's, and even suicidal thoughts, but not with something that involves him so closely. I am afraid he will withdraw and I will be alone. I am so ashamed to feel this way.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on September 26, 2010, at 12:18:04

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by emmanuel98 on September 26, 2010, at 4:56:20

One more thing, Emmanuel. Do you think that these intense feelings of connection towards our therapist come from abandonment fear and fear of being alone and that they don't solely mean I am a manipulative and selfish person?

Do you have any experience with the label of BPD?

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by emmanuel98 on September 26, 2010, at 18:04:14

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 26, 2010, at 12:18:04

I think, for me, they came from an intense desire to have the love and care I missed out on as a child. I don't think it's manipulative or selfish at all, except in the sense that therapy is selfish by definition -- it's about exploring yourself. But I was terrified that he would abandon me and I would lose that loving presence in my life.

My T said I had PTSD from a traumatic childhood and adolescence, with some borderline traits (fear of abandonment, volatile moods, emotional dysregulation), but I don't really fit the DSM criteria for BPD. I'm not sure anyone really fits exactly. I think I have been a difficult patient and I told him this and he said, not difficult, just complicated.

You should tell your therapist how you feel about him. I did because I couldn't keep it in. Everytime I saw him, I wanted to profess my adoration of him. He won't get mad. If he is skilled in working with transference, he will see this as normal and something to be worked through.

By the way, a really good source on therapy and therapists and transference is guidetopsychology.com, look for questions and answers about therapy.

Wishing you health and happiness.

Emmanuel98


> One more thing, Emmanuel. Do you think that these intense feelings of connection towards our therapist come from abandonment fear and fear of being alone and that they don't solely mean I am a manipulative and selfish person?
>
> Do you have any experience with the label of BPD?

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 1, 2010, at 1:09:37

In reply to borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 24, 2010, at 21:40:49

I had a concern here again about labeling.

Everyone that I talk to, tells me that a) there is no way that I am borderline and b) that even if I were, that is NOT a label that I want.

From my perspective-- and although I don't know my "self," I know this mess of confusion better than anyone else-- and the extensive research I've done, borderline personality disorder is the only label that I have found, which speaks to my experience. The people I have confided in about this, say "yeah, but you're not crazy." You're fine-- just anxious.

But no, I don't think it is just anxiety. Everyone-- the few people that I trust and run to in desperation, doctors I have visited, and even a couple of not-so-good therapists that I have visited this summer, all try to cram pills down my throat. But I think it is more than anxiety.

My therapist now keeps trying to tell me that it has to do with separating from my mother and a fear of enmeshment. But I think it is more than that too.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have felt terrified of the dark, empty moments of the night-- a absolute absence, suffocatingly lonely. This emptiness has always been with me. I never felt like I fit in with the other kids, even in pre-school. I never had many friends. I eventually started to fake it around everyone, and have done that since. Yes, my mom and I were close, even too close, but I don't think that is all. I was a runner in high school and struggled anorexia which turned into an out of control binge eating disorder that I still struggle with. I went through this all alone and never told anyone. I still feel like there is an inner emptiness that I can't satisfy. Sometimes it seems like a physical solution is the only way out of this pain-- either scratching or suicide.
Sometimes I think I don't want to die, but just want to get attention so that someone will help me, because I don't know how to ask for help.

When I bring up BPD, people brush me aside. I feel invalidated. It is true that thank goodness, I was never sexually abused; nor have I ever gotten into drugs or alcohol-- honestly, because they were never available to me in my sheltered life.

These people tell me that someone with BPD would never be able to reflect upon it or want the label. They are always in denial. I just don't think this is always the case. Also, BPD is not always about acting out-- getting arrested and raging. Sometimes it is, but it can also be directed inwardly-- and inner chaos that never goes away; an inner ache; an inner sense of constant loss and fear and feeling of being totally alone. That is how I feel every f*ck*ng day.

Can anyone help me understand?

One therapist told me that I don't want that label; but actually, I do. I really do. I want to know that there is a name for the hell that I live in every day. Sometimes I want to curse the day I was born. Is this anxiety? I don't think so. I want to know what is going on. Is that so wrong?

 

Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith

Posted by workinprogress on October 2, 2010, at 19:03:30

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 1, 2010, at 1:09:37

Annabelle-

Hey there. I've been reading your posts for a bit and I totally understand where you're coming from. I looked at Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and started to wonder if it fit for me... I was afraid to ask my therapist, because I was terrified she'd say yes. I mostly thought she'd say no, but on the off chance, I was afraid to ask. Then I finally did and she said "you're on the spectrum of borderline". That was hard at first... I didn't want to have a "personality disorder". But it was also really helpful to understand that I did have quite a struggle on my hands and no wonder some stuff in my life has been really really HARD.

Anyway, in terms of the label, it has some stigma. Folks who have BPD are often seen as difficult or manipulative. And it's true, we need a LOT because of our abandonment fears. And often we demand a lot of our therapists, not because we're bad, but more because of the way we were wounded and the stuff we're lacking in (for me a strong sense of self that comes from a good attachment).

My therapist said it well I think. I'm not much into labels, but it IS helpful to me in terms of understanding you. There are patterns that you fit and it's helpful for me because I can know what will be most helpful to you.

And yes, some folks who have BPD act out and rage and can be very challenging to be in a relationship with. But many turn on themselves and beat themselves up and some even try to hurt themselves. It can look lots and lots of different ways. There is no one description of someone who has BPD. My guess is that folks who are saying that's not you and you don't want that are people who think of it only as the acting out/raging manifestation. That said, diagnosis is not the most important thing, what really matters is that you find someone who can help you work to change the behaviors that aren't working for you anymore. And someone that can help you figure out the emptiness. You need to find someone you trust that you can create a safe and healing relationship with. It's through that relationship that you'll find the emptiness changes and transforms you into someone with a solid loving sense of yourself.

I hope this helps a little. You're not alone.

xo
WIP


> I had a concern here again about labeling.
>
> Everyone that I talk to, tells me that a) there is no way that I am borderline and b) that even if I were, that is NOT a label that I want.
>
> From my perspective-- and although I don't know my "self," I know this mess of confusion better than anyone else-- and the extensive research I've done, borderline personality disorder is the only label that I have found, which speaks to my experience. The people I have confided in about this, say "yeah, but you're not crazy." You're fine-- just anxious.
>
> But no, I don't think it is just anxiety. Everyone-- the few people that I trust and run to in desperation, doctors I have visited, and even a couple of not-so-good therapists that I have visited this summer, all try to cram pills down my throat. But I think it is more than anxiety.
>
> My therapist now keeps trying to tell me that it has to do with separating from my mother and a fear of enmeshment. But I think it is more than that too.
>
> Ever since I was a little girl, I have felt terrified of the dark, empty moments of the night-- a absolute absence, suffocatingly lonely. This emptiness has always been with me. I never felt like I fit in with the other kids, even in pre-school. I never had many friends. I eventually started to fake it around everyone, and have done that since. Yes, my mom and I were close, even too close, but I don't think that is all. I was a runner in high school and struggled anorexia which turned into an out of control binge eating disorder that I still struggle with. I went through this all alone and never told anyone. I still feel like there is an inner emptiness that I can't satisfy. Sometimes it seems like a physical solution is the only way out of this pain-- either scratching or suicide.
> Sometimes I think I don't want to die, but just want to get attention so that someone will help me, because I don't know how to ask for help.
>
> When I bring up BPD, people brush me aside. I feel invalidated. It is true that thank goodness, I was never sexually abused; nor have I ever gotten into drugs or alcohol-- honestly, because they were never available to me in my sheltered life.
>
> These people tell me that someone with BPD would never be able to reflect upon it or want the label. They are always in denial. I just don't think this is always the case. Also, BPD is not always about acting out-- getting arrested and raging. Sometimes it is, but it can also be directed inwardly-- and inner chaos that never goes away; an inner ache; an inner sense of constant loss and fear and feeling of being totally alone. That is how I feel every f*ck*ng day.
>
> Can anyone help me understand?
>
> One therapist told me that I don't want that label; but actually, I do. I really do. I want to know that there is a name for the hell that I live in every day. Sometimes I want to curse the day I was born. Is this anxiety? I don't think so. I want to know what is going on. Is that so wrong?

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 4, 2010, at 22:44:47

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder » Annabelle Smith, posted by workinprogress on October 2, 2010, at 19:03:30

Dear WIP,

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

I need somewhere to talk right now, so I will just talk right here. I feel so alone and it seems like the night will last forever. I go through my list of phone contacts, and there is no one to call. No one would understand. When I try to tell people what is going on, I cannot really find the words to explain how it feels, but from my attempts, they always say that what I feel is normal; they say that they have felt the same way, that it is part of being in college and that it is just a phase-- but I have felt this way my whole life; it has just intensified now to where I cannot control it. I feel like everything I have said is brushed aside. Sometimes I think people say this because it is more comfortable and reassuring to them. From time to time, I pour out my soul to people that I somewhat trust. It is always misunderstood and they brush it aside. It feels like an emotional rape. I am afraid to reach out anymore. It is so hard because I have so many acquaintances all around me, but no true friends. No one knows me, just the false mask that I wear all of the time. When I interact with these people, I feel more alone. Part of me wants to withdraw from them all and face my loneliness and start over again. But to do this feels like diving further into an isolated hell. I feel trapped with no way out.

I do not see my therapist for another day and a half, and it feels like an eternity. Part of me feels that I cannot sleep until Wednesday afternoon. I live for each session, as it is the only thing that helps me get through the week. I am terrified that he will soon tell me that we can only meet every other week. I often think that I am not getting better because I am not seeking help correctly. I do not follow my urges because I am so afraid that people will get mad and I will be threatened and maybe will not be able to survive their attack. If I could follow my deepest urges, I would call my therapist on the phone between our weekly sessions, I would reach out to other people on campus, I would be more honest even though that will be embarrassing. I often have such rage against people but do not know how to express it. All of this is going on underneath the surface, and I do not know how to tell anyone. It is trapped inside, and I cannot contain it much longer. No one would believe me, and no one does believe me, as my interactions with others prove.

I am so scared. I feel absolutely alone. I do not know how to make it through the night alone with myself in my room. Most nights I talk out loud to myself- sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and talk but often in front of the computer screen or in bed- I often carry on extended conversations with my therapist during these times, or with other people. Sometimes when I go to session, I cannot remember what I told him and what I did not tell him, as it is confused in my head. Talking to myself is like zoning out, like entering into a fantasy where all activity in the external world stops but where my mind becomes increasingly dragged into the chaos. I obsess about how to prepare for my session, and I think of all of these things that I have to say and I write-- but when I get there, I cannot remember any of it vividly and usually go blank.

It feels like being disconnected from everything-- from every other person, from what I used to love, from God, from myself, and from life. I feel like I am not living my life and that it is being wasted. It feels like hell, and I just want it to stop. The harder I try to get my head around and understand what is going on, the deeper into the spiral I go until it seems like it will never end.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by workinprogress on October 4, 2010, at 23:35:05

In reply to Re: borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 4, 2010, at 22:44:47

Annabelle-

You are not alone. I'm glad you shared what you're feeling here. I know many of us on this board have shared many of the feelings you expressed here. And, we're here to "listen" so you're not alone in that either. You are alone in your room right now, that's real, we're all sometimes alone and sometimes deeply empty and lonely, but not forever. Here's a great poem I found yesterday:

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Rainer Maria Rilke

No feeling is final. It will change, just like the weather outside changes.

Have you shared what you said here with your therapist? Maybe instead of rehearsing and planning what you say, maybe you can just bring in what you wrote here. It seems like there's a lot of important stuff there that would be useful to talk through with your therapist.

Take some deep breaths and remember that these feelings are just feelings and they will change.

xoxoxoxo
WIP

> Dear WIP,
>
> Thank you for your thoughtful words.
>
> I need somewhere to talk right now, so I will just talk right here. I feel so alone and it seems like the night will last forever. I go through my list of phone contacts, and there is no one to call. No one would understand. When I try to tell people what is going on, I cannot really find the words to explain how it feels, but from my attempts, they always say that what I feel is normal; they say that they have felt the same way, that it is part of being in college and that it is just a phase-- but I have felt this way my whole life; it has just intensified now to where I cannot control it. I feel like everything I have said is brushed aside. Sometimes I think people say this because it is more comfortable and reassuring to them. From time to time, I pour out my soul to people that I somewhat trust. It is always misunderstood and they brush it aside. It feels like an emotional rape. I am afraid to reach out anymore. It is so hard because I have so many acquaintances all around me, but no true friends. No one knows me, just the false mask that I wear all of the time. When I interact with these people, I feel more alone. Part of me wants to withdraw from them all and face my loneliness and start over again. But to do this feels like diving further into an isolated hell. I feel trapped with no way out.
>
> I do not see my therapist for another day and a half, and it feels like an eternity. Part of me feels that I cannot sleep until Wednesday afternoon. I live for each session, as it is the only thing that helps me get through the week. I am terrified that he will soon tell me that we can only meet every other week. I often think that I am not getting better because I am not seeking help correctly. I do not follow my urges because I am so afraid that people will get mad and I will be threatened and maybe will not be able to survive their attack. If I could follow my deepest urges, I would call my therapist on the phone between our weekly sessions, I would reach out to other people on campus, I would be more honest even though that will be embarrassing. I often have such rage against people but do not know how to express it. All of this is going on underneath the surface, and I do not know how to tell anyone. It is trapped inside, and I cannot contain it much longer. No one would believe me, and no one does believe me, as my interactions with others prove.
>
> I am so scared. I feel absolutely alone. I do not know how to make it through the night alone with myself in my room. Most nights I talk out loud to myself- sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and talk but often in front of the computer screen or in bed- I often carry on extended conversations with my therapist during these times, or with other people. Sometimes when I go to session, I cannot remember what I told him and what I did not tell him, as it is confused in my head. Talking to myself is like zoning out, like entering into a fantasy where all activity in the external world stops but where my mind becomes increasingly dragged into the chaos. I obsess about how to prepare for my session, and I think of all of these things that I have to say and I write-- but when I get there, I cannot remember any of it vividly and usually go blank.
>
> It feels like being disconnected from everything-- from every other person, from what I used to love, from God, from myself, and from life. I feel like I am not living my life and that it is being wasted. It feels like hell, and I just want it to stop. The harder I try to get my head around and understand what is going on, the deeper into the spiral I go until it seems like it will never end.

 

Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by babbler20 on October 30, 2013, at 22:07:28

In reply to borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 24, 2010, at 21:40:49

Hi, I hope you get this message despite the amount of time that has passed. I can tell you that I can relate to everything that you have written. This completely describes my life. Have you gotten any better? Is there anything that helps?


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