Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 948804

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My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 12:59:37

I have been seeing my therapist for over 11 years now. Many times before I have tried to stop seeing her by explaining I would like to try out my life on my own and every time she comes back with reasons I need to /should continue our sessions. Every time, I get sucked back in thinking I am not ready...she would know when I am ready....I can't make it without her..etc. Now the reason she is saying I should continue seeing her weekly is I am going through a divorce and need her support/guidance. She doesn't say it like that but that is how I hear it. I even told her I cannot come anymore because financially I can't afford it since I am now on my own. Still, she tells me we can work something out payment wise. In the past, she told me I might get more out of therapy if I went twice a week. I did that hating every minute of it and it caused me so much stress because of the wear and tear on my car, not being able to really plan going somewhere. When I wanted to stop goign twice a week, she would convince me I needed to see her that often. I finally had to just say, I am going once a week only and that was it. It did work. Why can't I say no and mean it?! This last time she convinced me that I still have trouble relating to her in that I don't feel comfortable enough to be able to lay down on the couch when we have our sessions. Any words of advice? It has been 11 years and many of my break throughs have occurred because I discovered them myself.
Thanks!

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude

Posted by deerock on May 25, 2010, at 13:43:50

In reply to My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 12:59:37

i had this EXACT situation. maybe not exact but real close. i just said look im done and i dont want to hear your side of the story. and she said she felt backed into a corner. and i said well, lets say im done and if i need you i will call you. if you have any thoughts, write me a letter. i said i was too vulnerable to her opinion about my needing therapy and was not interested in hearing the reasons at the time.

i have since left and its very hard. but so is being crazy about being in therapy. its 6 of one half a dozen of the other. if i dont back slide, i will continue to not see her. i have other supports though. and a few things i do that make me feel better. so im confident it will be ok without her but for me, i had to be abrupt and firm and maybe a little aggressive...which im trying to understand now. but thats how i had to do it.

im not saying to do what i did. im just saying ive been where u are and i dont know why T's do what they do in terms of keeping u there. i think it undermines your self efficacy to hear oh lets keep this and that and you and i will work on that and this...

just my two cents. wish you the very best whatever u decide. dont let her push you around even if its only you letting her do so in your own mind.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by brokenpuppet on May 25, 2010, at 14:42:32

In reply to My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 12:59:37

Despite the fact that T's mean well and are trying to help, at the end of the day, it is you who knows what's best for you (at this particular moment in time), not them. Look inside yourself, give yourself time to do that and the answer will come. Sorry if this sounds like a cheesy / so easy answer... I know it's NOT easy!

My T said that maybe I'm still running away from some issues (about my decision to leave), but even if I am, I know what I'm not ready to face yet and I'll know when I'm more ready to do it.

Maybe you can start small - ask for some time off, that might help you see if you're going in the right direction. I wish you well through this difficult time!

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 15:02:55

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by brokenpuppet on May 25, 2010, at 14:42:32

You are both right. I went in one time about a month ago and being very determined, told her I wanted to go once every other week. She talked me out of it. It just makes me feel as though she just wants my money and is not really concerned with what I want. I just can't help but wonder why someone who is supposed to be helping me won't let me go? I admit I have issues and I told her too that maybe these are just character traits I have. But, she kept going back to how these traits pose problems for me.
Do they mean well?

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by brokenpuppet on May 25, 2010, at 15:21:42

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 15:02:55

> You are both right. I went in one time about a month ago and being very determined, told her I wanted to go once every other week.

Just my opinion but it could be that your T thinks once every other week is not fully committing to therapy, but it's not leaving either.

> She talked me out of it. It just makes me feel as though she just wants my money and is not really concerned with what I want. I just can't help but wonder why someone who is supposed to be helping me won't let me go?

It sounds like you don't trust her. A difficult place to be. Has it been predominantly like this, or are these just doubts that you have once in a while? Maybe it's best to talk to her about these trust issues before you address 'leaving'...?

> Do they mean well?

Apart from questioning her and the doubts, what is your feeling about it? Do you ever feel that 'she cares'? I think the most important thing is how you feel. Personally, I've had lots of doubts too, but I also had a feeling that she cared.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 19:01:45

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by brokenpuppet on May 25, 2010, at 15:21:42

Hmmmm....I do feel she cares, sometimes not so much.
She has never said that about commitment. She should know after 11 years of rarely missing a session that I am committed.
You know, I used to feel so scared that one day she would tell me it was time for me to leave. I dont feel that way anymore. I think I just want a break.
I relish the idea of not having to drive the hour there and hour back for awhile.
Maybe I dont trust her and that is an issue. Should I continue to see her until I do trust her? Or keep going to get over that? Tough questions and no easy answer. I wish I was more sure of myself. I even talked to her one time about how she always changes my mind when I mention leaving or cutting back and that it makes me angry. But,she reminded me, I was the one making decisions and that even though I say I am struggling financially, I keep giving her a check and coming each week. So when I told her I couldn't afford it for real, she left a message telling me we can work it out somehow and to come in anyway.
If I tell this to others, they say she is maybe doing it to keep her paycheck coming and that is what I think too sometimes. So, I dont trust her. Thanks for your help. I just feel like I
am 47 years old and not being allowed to just try living on my own.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by emmanuel98 on May 25, 2010, at 19:34:16

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 19:01:45

I have the opposite problem. My T encouraged me to cut back/end -- always said this is the point of therapy -- to end. I ended weekly therapy six months ago and now I want to see him again and miss him terribly and am having problems dealing with changes in my life. I called him and asked if I could schedule an appointment this week and he hasn't called me back. I am no longer on his screen. This makes me so sad.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by Annierose on May 25, 2010, at 22:22:59

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 19:01:45

From what you wrote, it does sound like your therapist is having a hard time letting you go. I once quit therapy before my therapist thought I was ready. Although she disagreed with me, she accepted my decision. She did ask if I would come in one more time to discuss the "termination" but I declined. And she said "okay but I will always be here for you if you wish to return."

And from what I read here, on other sites and in books, often the client will want to leave. Therapy is hard and there are impasses. But you have been there for 11 years and are asking to take flight ... which could be a wonderful sign of personal growth. I would bet, if you let her know your wishes to leave, but you would like the door left open if you wish to return, she would say "yes".

Trust your instincts.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 26, 2010, at 13:39:25

In reply to My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 12:59:37

The CLIENT is the one who is supposed to decide when they are ready to leave. Therapists aren't supposed to make that decision; that is backwards. It sounds as if your t has problems in letting you go (obviously), or is she trying to hang on to you for money reasons?

She is the only one, if she is willing to be honest with you to explain what is going on.

A therapists's job, is to give us wings to fly and let us go...like a parent.

Hugs, Rossal

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 6:48:30

In reply to My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 12:59:37

I've always sort of thought that when I was truly bored and thought longingly of how I might better spend my time or money, that is probably a sign I'm ready to go. If my decision isn't laced with fraught emotions, then it's more likely to not be fear or anger.

Can you tell her you'd like to try it? And ask her if she'd be willing to see you again if you decide she's right and you aren't ready? My therapist has always been honest if he didn't think I was ready (and at the time he was quite right), but after expressing his feelings he let me leave but made sure the door was open should I decide to return.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by shelbyfude on May 27, 2010, at 13:18:39

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 25, 2010, at 19:01:45

I really have been thinking about this. I think I am going to ask her the real reason why she doesn't want me to stop. It would make me feel so good about myself if she would just say,"you know, I think you are ready to give it a try." What a heap of confidence that would give me. I just cannot help but believe that something, some reason is standing in the way of letting me try things on my own. And, I feel it is HER reason and not mine.
I am going through a divorce which is hard. But I know it will be hard and try to feel all the emotions of sadness, anger, depression when they hit me so I can come out of this thing intact. I want to feel like I am not so messed up and incurable. I think I am and I now have the courage to try to do things for and by myself.
I feel at times I am the child and I wait for her to tell me what I should and should not do, how I should do things, etc.
Thanks for all of your help. This is really helping me process this.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 27, 2010, at 13:50:43

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 27, 2010, at 13:18:39

What she has done, is to make you too dependent on her. Her (therapists) job is to help you get wings to fly.

I went thru a divorce after 31 years of abuse. If you ever want to talk just: wacalice@aol.com

Hugs, Sassy

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! Dinah

Posted by deerock on May 27, 2010, at 14:37:41

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 6:48:30

what if you thought longingly about how you might spend your money or your time AND your decision to leave was fraught with emotions and you felt fear and anger towards your T regarding leaving. then would you stay or go?

<<I've always sort of thought that when I was truly bored and thought longingly of how I might better spend my time or money, that is probably a sign I'm ready to go. If my decision isn't laced with fraught emotions, then it's more likely to not be fear or anger. >>

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! deerock

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 18:12:56

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! Dinah, posted by deerock on May 27, 2010, at 14:37:41

I don't know.

It's never come up.

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by shelbyfude on May 27, 2010, at 20:10:27

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! Dinah, posted by deerock on May 27, 2010, at 14:37:41

You know Dinah I am not sure what my answer would be to that question. I don't feel I am fraught with emotion, I do think I am angry at her for not hearing me and encouraging me to see what it is like out there. If I was fraught with emotion, I wouldn't want to leave. I really need the money to just live without worrying about over drawing on my checks; it is that bad financially because I now have a house payment. I frequently go into the session worried that I won't have anything to talk about. As others on here have said in other threads, I have so many many times just sat for 30 minutes of the 50,just the two of us staring at each other.
Do you those of you think it is okay or not that I don't feel comfortable around her enough to lie down on the couch when I talk to her? She said it is a problem in that after 11 years, I should feel comfortable enough. But I see her, as I explained to her, as an authority figure who I pay , not my friend or casual acquaintance. What do ya'll think?
Thanks!

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 20:35:59

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 27, 2010, at 20:10:27

I have to admit that I don't understand that way of thinking at all. I'm not in analysis, so maybe I"m missing something significant about couch laying.

I trust my therapist to the extent it's reasonable and appropriate to trust him. Trusting him to be more than he is would be foolish. Not trusting him to be what he has proved himself to be would be equally foolish. But there are things I don't like to do. The fact that I don't like to do them doesn't have to do with my trust of him. Part of the appropriate (in my opinion) boundaries of therapy is that we are able to decide our own actions. I can't see how it's any more unhealthy to choose not to lie down than it would be to lie down because she wanted you to. To subordinate your judgment to hers. To do something you don't wish to do to please her.

But that's me, and maybe someone who feels differently would have a different take on the subject.

I think I'm sort of bottom line. If you feel you're addressing important topics or feel that your functioning is improved by going, and the benefits you receive are greater than the costs you pay in terms of time and money, then it makes sense to keep going. If not, it makes sense to try stopping.

Would she refuse to take you back if you tested your wings a bit without her?

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!

Posted by shelbyfude on May 28, 2010, at 11:16:34

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 20:35:59

I have never made it past the point where we would talk about me coming back. The topic stops at me asking and then explaining why I shouldn't. One time when some issues came up after I had told her I wanted to only see her once a week as opposed to twice, she said she believed these issues were a result of me not going twice a week and so I started back to two times a week.
I know in my heart what I want and I believe in myself so I will approach her again about me trying it on my own. I do have a voice and have the strength to do this. After 16 years of being verbally abused by my husband, I am feeling stronger each day.
Thanks so much !!!

 

Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help! shelbyfude

Posted by deerock on May 28, 2010, at 11:27:34

In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't want to let me go...Help!, posted by shelbyfude on May 28, 2010, at 11:16:34

i can totally relate to what youre going through. all i can say is that the idea of her saying your issues are stemming from cutting back makes me really mad. i really hate when the therapist creates this dependency in their clients. i feel like its abusive.


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