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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 14, 2009, at 17:24:17
..I could somehow carry my T. around in my pocket, in some little container or something.
Something that held little doses of his attention and kindness and gentleness and humor. I could have a dose any time, and it would never run out.
And "taking" some would feel exactly like talking with him.Sigh.
It's never enough. Even though we are a couple thousand of miles apart and only speak on the phone every two weeks, we are so connected. By frequent emails, mostly. But also by.....shared things over the years. He told me back in June he can't recall ever be so connected to a client before, and that it was different, but he thinks, a good thing. He gets how as much as I want it, and think it's healing to me overall, at the same time, it hurts like the devil, too.
He took a day off today. He was thoughtful enough to mention it yesterday, as he knows on Fridays I tend to try to get him to answer an email so I can have something to hold onto over the weekend. Seems so ridiculous, it's only two days or so, but I still do it. He knows it and I know it. I thanked him for thinking of telling me about a day off, but I....really...don't like it. I need him in his office, in my mind's eye, every day (M-F) of every week, to feel settled.
I feel unsettled. I can't even convince myself it's great for his self-care to take a day off. I know it's true, rationally. But the littler me inside wants to stamp my foot... It's so weird, I mean, I don't want him at work for the possibility of an email response. That doesn't even matter so much. I want him there...just because. To keep everything "right" and "the same" all the time. Even though I certainly know that isn't how life is.
I don't know what I mean. Or why I decided to post just now. Can't tell anyone else this stuff, is the main thing, I guess.
I don't want to come off whiny and ungrateful. I've been reading posts here for 5 years. So many need so much more, and can't get it for various reasons. I know I am incredibly blessed to have a T. who doesn't talk about termination and leaves that open-ended, is willing to give me long-distance therapy by phone, fiercely defends the idea that the relationship itself *is* the therapy, and is more than willing to supplement our phone sessions with email, the best he can manage. I know there are posters who would almost give anything to have just some of those things. I know what I have.
But the relationship itself still breeds so much longing and frustration. It's hard to take some days. I guess this is just one of those days. I miss him and all my little tricks and soothing objects and whatever, don't cut it.
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 14, 2009, at 19:07:33
In reply to I just wish..., posted by 10derHeart on August 14, 2009, at 17:24:17
I often wish I could bottle my T up and carry him around with me. But it's not him I want really and I feel that part of the work of therapy is to figure out what is it I do want. He's just an ordinary guy. Maybe it's the kindness,the intent focus on just me. The perfect parent, only concerned with me.
Posted by rskontos on August 14, 2009, at 19:58:08
In reply to I just wish..., posted by 10derHeart on August 14, 2009, at 17:24:17
and I am just glad you have such a wonderful t that knows you and what you need and is willing to give it. How nice!!!!!!!
I know it has its downsides too and its ok to get sad about that.
rsk
Posted by Daisym on August 14, 2009, at 20:48:31
In reply to I just wish..., posted by 10derHeart on August 14, 2009, at 17:24:17
me too. Exactly. Ditto all of the above.
And it is just soo....distressing at times. I think like wine or chocolate - they are so great and yet we know what we should limit ourselves to but every now and then it gets so BIG - all that yearning.
Funny - last Thursday my therapist mentioned, in an off handed way, "I should tell you I'm going away this weekend but I have my phone and I'm taking my computer so if you need me just reach out." The tears just sprang up - I hate that. I didn't want to think of him far away - I wanted him in his office with a blanket and a hot plate, waiting for my next session. *sigh*
Treat yourself to something nice this weekend. Spend time with someone who makes you smile or fills you up. That really is the best medicine.
And here is some wisdom from my therapist, "missing someone you care about is what happens when two people are truly connected. There is nothing pathological in that at all. I understand that you get worried that the universe will somehow swallow me up. It won't - and if it tries, I'll fight back. I'm touched that you miss me. It means you care. I'll miss you too. But you must remember that distance does not matter - our connection stretches however much we need it to. I can hold you in my mind no matter where I am."
So think of him as holding you in his mind. And go ahead and write him anyway.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2009, at 20:48:51
In reply to I just wish..., posted by 10derHeart on August 14, 2009, at 17:24:17
(((( 10der ))))
You are so lucky in some ways, yet I understand how hard it can be to be so far from his physical presence. Even though he is good on the phone, and in emails. (I envy that.)
Would it help you any to be able to picture where he is when he isn't in his office? It helps me a lot to know where my therapist is this week. I was able to picture him doing the sort of things I did at the beach. And trying to imagine him doing the things the things I wouldn't do, but that he might. Like shopping at galleries or playing golf or something. So that instead of focusing on the emptiness of where he wasn't, I could put him somewhere where he actually was.
If that makes sense.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2009, at 20:52:16
In reply to Re: I just wish..., posted by Daisym on August 14, 2009, at 20:48:31
> "...I can hold you in my mind no matter where I am."
I can't imagine my therapist even really understanding that, much less saying it. My therapist might hug, but yours holds you with words so very well.
Posted by Daisym on August 16, 2009, at 0:45:22
In reply to Re: I just wish... » Daisym, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2009, at 20:52:16
He does. But sometimes that hug sounds pretty good too. I think because, even though I intellectually understand why he doesn't, it is hard not to think of myself as too tainted to touch.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 16, 2009, at 2:10:38
In reply to Re: I just wish..., posted by emmanuel98 on August 14, 2009, at 19:07:33
Yeah, I know, you're right, it is mostly about what I can learn about what I need, what I value in an intimate relationship, and the how of negotiating it. Practice, practice, practice. But I do see it as kind of a blend. Mostly, I do want kindness and closeness, understanding and more from someone else - some day. For a bunch of reasons I won't go into here, I don't really have that in my life just now. He is the surrogate, and he seems alright with that. His appropriate, yet flexible enough boundaries make it safe.
But I do think in part, it is him I want. My T. discloses a lot, and that works for us both, so I do know a fair amount about him-him, not only therapist-him. I guess he is just an ordinary guy, but I love ordinary. It's what makes him so real, his ordinariness and humility. We share a lot of stuff in common, too, and I think we could have become friends if we'd met under other circumstances.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 16, 2009, at 2:12:54
In reply to Re: sorry about how you feel... » 10derHeart, posted by rskontos on August 14, 2009, at 19:58:08
Thanks for understanding so well, rsk :-) He is pretty great.
I have to be alright getting sad sometimes. I couldn't really hold it in always. It would leak out somewhere, sometime.
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 17, 2009, at 0:15:07
In reply to Re: I just wish... » emmanuel98, posted by 10derHeart on August 16, 2009, at 2:10:38
It's funny. I love my T and he discloses quite a bit. I have a strong sense of who he is. But if we had met before I started therpay, he wouldn't have liked me -- my intellectualism and obvious disconnection from feelings, my alcoholism and inability to have any kind of meanignful conversation unless I was half in the bag. I was not his kind of person. And I would have been suspicious of his judging me for my (half-admitted) flaws. Now, thanks to therapy, I am a much warmer person and I think we would like one another. But as my T once said, his arms sweeping the exent of his office -- this is our only relationship.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 18, 2009, at 3:22:31
In reply to Re: I just wish..., posted by Daisym on August 14, 2009, at 20:48:31
You always get it. My therapist says great things, but your therapist says amazing things..! But it's okay. Mine is the very best therapist for me, and I am perfectly satisfied with what he says and how he says it. It's just always been comforting - in a global sort of way - that there are therapists like yours out there for people. Bravo to him for existing and being him.
I was okay. I was busy. I couldn't sleep one night, tossing and turning wondering precisely what and why he needed a mental health day. But then a kind and wise friend reminded me it's a common expression these days and it just can mean "playing hooky" Okay. Okay.
He's fine. He emailed me first thing this morning. Sounds okay to me. I just missed him tremendously Friday for whatever reason. I think...because we went through a tough time for both of us recently because of something wrong that I did, that may be why I can't tolerate any "new" information right now. He and I had to get over it, after I profusely apologized, and now we are past that and very warmly reconnected. So, I am clinging tightly. I don't want one little thing to get in the way right now....
I know he does hold me in his mind, and I just can't believe it some days. And I did write to him. I do every weekend.
Like we all always say...therapy is hard.
Posted by rskontos on August 18, 2009, at 22:34:09
In reply to Re: sorry about how you feel... » rskontos, posted by 10derHeart on August 16, 2009, at 2:12:54
..I have to be alright getting sad sometimes. I couldn't really hold it in always. It would leak out somewhere, sometime..
Absolutely!!
rsk
Posted by Daisym on August 18, 2009, at 23:25:14
In reply to Re: I just wish... » Daisym, posted by 10derHeart on August 18, 2009, at 3:22:31
I thought of you today.
My therapist reminded me that the word "psychotherapy" essentially means "caring for the soul." And he talked about the soul as enormously deep and complicated and all encompassing, with many layers and needs. Sometimes the soul needs nurturing - just cause it does. I think that was you on Friday.
And he said, "you don't always have to see the body to nurture the soul. Connections happen at the soul level."
I think that is why your therapy works for you. And I'm so glad it does.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 19, 2009, at 11:04:49
In reply to Re: I just wish... » 10derHeart, posted by Daisym on August 18, 2009, at 23:25:14
This is the end of the thread.
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