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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 0:06:57
And quite well I think.
Technically I suppose he's home where he always is Sunday night, and I see him tomorrow morning. I didn't long overly much to call him this week, even though this weekend has been rotten. I had an experience this morning that was enormously traumatic, at least temporarily. It didn't occur to me until later that it hadn't even occurred to me to call my therapist, or to want to.
And I'm more worried about the fact that I have work to do tomorrow and that I can't find my sunglass clips and don't want to drive tomorrow than I am about seeing him.
I'm not quite sure what all that means. Obviously it wasn't a very long trip. And he went out of his way to make it easy for me. It's totally different from anything that would feel like abandonment or permanent loss.
Hmmmm.....
He goes away again at the end of the month. I'll get another chance to think about it.
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 17, 2009, at 7:01:32
In reply to I made it through vacation, posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 0:06:57
Glad you made it through. Sorry about the trauma yesterday.
I hope today goes well and that he's really there in your session with you.
Posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 11:34:45
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on August 17, 2009, at 7:01:32
He was late, which left me a bit worried he forgot since it's not our regular time or place. But once he got there, he was in good spirits, didn't once say that he was sorry to return. He was sorry to discover that next week was the week he'll be gone for half the week, because he said he preferred the stability of our regular times.
He was happy that I was able to hold him in my mind, and happy that I didn't feel a need to call him. But not in a bad way. More in an "I'm glad you're doing well" way.
I think I'm probably protecting myself by shutting down a bit. I wasn't fully emotionally present. He was gone, he's going again next week, I think I'm keeping whatever protective barriers I have up. Not consciously. I wonder why every time I do that, I think that this time it must mean I'm all "better". Then once he gets back, I realize that I'm just separating my emotional self from my operating self. I don't think I'll really be "better" until I can stay whole and still be ok.
Yesterday morning my little dog jumped out of my hands as I was lowering him to the ground, which he never ever does. I lost hold of him and even though he was only a foot or two from the ground, because he was jumping forward he flipped over and took a good whack on the head that knocked him senseless. It through me back over twenty years to the death of my beloved love of my life when I accidentally knocked her off the bed. He was limp like she was. I went into hysterics, and my husband just was no help at all. I usually handle dog emergencies and instead of taking the dog from me and bringing him to the vet like I was asking him to do, because I was hysterical just feeling him, never mind driving, he kept trying to calm me down. By the time I had gotten him to take the little guy, he had lifted his head and was standing shakily and walking a bit. Once I realized I hadn't killed him, like I did the other one, I calmed down enough to bring him to the vets. He's ok now, and they found that he had a low grade infection for a while now and had lost a lot of weight. They kept him overnight for observation and tests, but I'm going to pick him up now. I knew he had gotten skinny since his sister died. But not that he had gotten that skinny.
It was such a traumatic moment. My husband was irritably wondering why my therapist hadn't fixed me by now, and I pointed out that I didn't kill dogs often enough for me to have worked on the issue with him. My therapist said it was perfectly normal under the circumstances to mix my feelings and reactions this time with the ones I had at such a traumatic time.
But... I got through it. And without him.
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 17, 2009, at 17:16:24
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 11:34:45
Oh, Dinah I'm so sorry. It sounds very traumatic to me. I live in fear that my dogs are going to get away, get hurt, die, whatever. I can't imagine how it was for you. I'm very glad he's going to be okay, though. And it sounds to me like you pulled it together without any help from dh. Good for you!
Posted by workinprogress on August 17, 2009, at 18:31:02
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 11:34:45
Dinah,
Maybe the little bonk on the head- completely an accident of course- was a blessing in disguise, because you can now take care of the infection!
And, I think you did a great job with your therapist and it sounds like he really showed up too and said the right things. On the point of "protective barriers"- I can relate. I had my big girl boots on the entire time I was out of state (two months) and seeing my T was minimal and/or videochat (not the same). I was so proud for "holding her in my mind so well"- I've been quite clingy and attached and yearning ever since coming back.
That said.. I too struggle with the "all better". I'm trying not to see my yearning for connection as something to fix. Here's what my therapist said in an email:
I think that longing and yearning for a heart-filled connection is not something to "fix" per se, but something that will in time ease itself, as the yearning is met by your ability to internalize me more and more. When is that yearning met? Who's to say?!!
I also think that when you are at peace with yourself and filled with self- love, your yearning may be less intense, and finally, when you have a partner who really sees you and loves you as is, that also eases the yearning.
I don't think your yearning for me will always be as intense as it is right now. But I would agree that it is not something to "cure" or "fix". The yearning will dissipate when it's supposed to!
*****
I still struggle with wanting it "fixed" or to be "better". But I am trying to practice the, there's no right and wrong feeling, just feelings, information. And boy DOES IT EVER TAKE PRACTICE!!!
I hope the little guy recovers quickly from the infection and you continue to be able to "hold" your therapist in your mind (I know that feels "better".)
And a big raspberry to your dh ;)
WIP
Posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2009, at 0:03:51
In reply to and maybe a silver lining... » Dinah, posted by workinprogress on August 17, 2009, at 18:31:02
Dinah was thinking the same thing a blessing in disguise as your vet found the infection and you did a geat job. Love Phillipa
Posted by annierose on August 18, 2009, at 7:31:57
In reply to I made it through vacation, posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 0:06:57
So much of our emotional support systems feels like it's going away when our therapist leave. I find when mine is away, I am often stronger than I think. Maybe your internalization of your t is stronger than you thought.
What a scary moment for you and your puppy. So glad that he is going to be okay.
I just finished reading a book narrated by the family dog --- so all you know about the family is from his perspective "The Art of Racing in the Rain". It's a very very quick read - not deep or intellectually stimulating - but enjoyable.
My t goes away for two weeks beginning tomorrow.
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 9:31:11
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on August 17, 2009, at 17:16:24
The poor little guy was as traumatized as I was, apparently. He snuggled up to me all night as usual, but when it was time to let him down, he splayed himself out and stiffened, and it was a darn good thing I had a firm grip on him.
I guess I learned something else. Never trust that a dog's training will keep them safe. My little dogs know how to hold themselves while being picked up and put down. I don't know why he took it into his head to try to jump. But I won't trust that I can count on them with any of my dogs anymore. It's just too important.
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 9:41:21
In reply to and maybe a silver lining... » Dinah, posted by workinprogress on August 17, 2009, at 18:31:02
What a wonderful, caring thing for your therapist to write! You are very fortunate.
I'm not sure the feelings will ever subside completely. They definitely are more manageable now than they used to be. And they are changing, just as the infatuation of first love changes to the excitement of young love then to the warm companionship of a lifetime of love. They change, they morph, they mature, and the become less painful. But I doubt they'll ever go away.
I do believe, likely because it's true, that it's safer to be all of myself, emotions and all, with him around. My husband likes my intellectual self far better than my emotional self. I feel like my emotional self will die, or at least go into deep hiding, without him. And the fact that that is exactly what happens when he goes away really strengthens that belief.
And of course my rational self thinks this is wonderful and is perfectly happy and believes I'm "all cured" since my emotional self is in hiding and not causing any trouble. :)
It may be a sensible way to live life, but I don't want to go back to that life again. In some ways it's very fulfilling, but in other ways it's very empty - and has all the drawbacks that originally drove me to therapy. But I can only say that when I'm my whole self.
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 9:50:30
In reply to Re: and maybe a silver lining..., posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2009, at 0:03:51
Not such a great job. I was screaming hysterically, scaring my family senseless, and too upset to even check him to see if he was dead.
It brought back that last morning so well. My running screaming from my room with that warm limp body in my hands. Running out the door wearing only a Tshirt that barely covered me and bare feet, my mother following to drive, racing to the vets, her bladder releasing as I held her, my screaming, seeing my vet driving down the road in front of us and honking him over, seeing his face even before he told us. He knew how I felt about her.
I spent so much time imagining any possible thing that could happen to her, and planning ways that it would never happen. She tended to follow me at my ankles out doors, and I developed whole OCD rituals to make sure she hadn't slipped outside with me, checking around my feet, driving back around the block to check again. I loved that dog with every fiber of my being, and with one careless movement, I killed her and took away not only her life but my joy.
She fell off the bed on occasion. I wasn't as careful then as I was after. I swooped down to scoop her up, laughing and intending to give her sympathy and kisses. I was laughing when I saw how still she was lying and that she wasn't getting up.
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 9:54:25
In reply to Re: and maybe a silver lining... » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 9:50:30
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 10:05:45
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation, posted by annierose on August 18, 2009, at 7:31:57
I downloaded a sample to my Kindle. (My favoritest thing about Kindle.) I listened to the little video clip on Amazon too. It looks like an enjoyable book.
I do think I'm learning to internalize him far more than I did. And also, we did a lot of things that helped. He told me in general terms where he'd be and even one or two things he'd be doing there, so I could picture him in my mind and he didn't go poof. The fact that he called me without my asking him to the week before he left really helped me feel like I didn't go poof when I wasn't in front of him either. He told me that I could call him if I needed to, really, and that he would return my call. We both knew that I wouldn't call him unless something too horrible to contemplate happened, but knowing that I *could* meant that I didn't feel I *needed* to.
Are you prepared for your therapist's vacation? My therapist hasn't been gone for more than one week for a long time, though once recently he did two trips back to back that meant basically a two week absence though he denied that it was a two week trip.
Posted by annierose on August 18, 2009, at 22:14:09
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation » annierose, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 10:05:45
It is nice when our therapist share details of their real lives. For me, it makes them more human, rather than the person that lives in their office 24/7. My t would never volunteer information, but would probably answer if I asked (where she is vacationing). But I don't want to know in case I do go there myself one day. I don't want her to think I'm going there because she went there. I overthink all the time.
I do not know if I am prepared. I guess time will tell. Normally her two week summer vacation backs up to my one week --- which equals three weeks without therapy. This year we took the kids for a long weekend so I only missed Monday's session --- but we did that not because of therapy. I had to go to New York for business so we took the kids.
I found my t's parting comment funny in an odd sort of way. She said, "So I will see you a week from Monday." What an interesting spin. Today is Tuesday, so I will see her in exactly two weeks. "A week from Monday" is correct BUT she implys it's only ONE week when it's really two. Am I making sense?
AND now that I'm complaining ... I ran into this stinking client that comes after me. I HATE running into her. I have tried leaving down a different staircase, stalling in the bathroom, and she is always THERE. I almost stopped dead in my tracks and went back up the staircase until I realized she would eventually see me down the hall. She bugs me.
Enough of my rant.
Maybe I'm not doing too well. But I think I am okay.
Posted by workinprogress on August 19, 2009, at 1:47:32
In reply to Re: and maybe a silver lining... » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2009, at 9:41:21
Dinah-
Yes, it was wonderful and caring! And I know I am so very lucky, even when, like today, I want more. I'm grieving the mom I never had and she's away (just two days, I didn't even miss an appt- just know about it) taking her daughter to the class trip prior to her starting college. I so wish I had that mom- one who's heart is aching at the transition, one who can feel that, show/share love... Anyway, I digress... but thank you for reminding me how wonderful and caring she is even when I want MORE!
And I wholly concur with the whole self thing. Sometimes it feels harder... but in the end, I think you're right, it's easier, because it's more you, and probably much more fulfilling. My hope is that someday it is actually *easier* because we don't have to think about what parts are "OK" for any given time. Being *whole* and *you* is just who we love you for...
Thanks for sharing your whole self with us...
xo
WIP
Posted by Dinah on August 19, 2009, at 9:15:54
In reply to Re: I made it through vacation » Dinah, posted by annierose on August 18, 2009, at 22:14:09
> I found my t's parting comment funny in an odd sort of way. She said, "So I will see you a week from Monday." What an interesting spin. Today is Tuesday, so I will see her in exactly two weeks. "A week from Monday" is correct BUT she implys it's only ONE week when it's really two. Am I making sense?
Hmmm... It does seem like a deliberate word choice, doesn't it? I'd hope the positive spin was to make you feel grounded in how quick it will seem, not to minimize her absence. Though my therapist would definitely do that too.
> AND now that I'm complaining ... I ran into this stinking client that comes after me. I HATE running into her. I have tried leaving down a different staircase, stalling in the bathroom, and she is always THERE. I almost stopped dead in my tracks and went back up the staircase until I realized she would eventually see me down the hall. She bugs me.
Ugh. That would bug me too. I see my therapist's other clients sometimes (though at the two main offices he's ever had, the setup was such that it would be a viewing at a distance), but I rarely see any one with regularity. If it was one who was as you've described this one, it would totally ruin the post-session slow ascent into normalcy.
Posted by Dinah on August 19, 2009, at 9:58:21
In reply to Re: and maybe a silver lining..., posted by workinprogress on August 19, 2009, at 1:47:32
Thank you. :)
Tho I admit that I don't often share the more.... dramatic.... parts of myself on Babble. At least I don't think I do.
This is the end of the thread.
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