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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by peddidle on August 12, 2009, at 17:18:43
I started writing an email to T during that particularly bad 3 day period in late June. It's still sitting on my computer. I thought maybe just writing it, like a journal entry, might help, but now it's just sitting there, confusing me. I edit at least a little bit of it practically every day-- I even wrote in the email that I'm thinking I might as well just send it, because there's always going to be something to add or change. I also wrote at the end that I'm not expecting her to write back, and that I'm not even sure if I want her to, because I don't know if that would make me feel better or worse. (I put a strike-through on "not sure if I even want you to...) In that last VERY brief email I got from her in early June, she said she checks her email every few days-- I think she's back on campus as of the 20th, at which point she'll be checking it on a more regular basis, so she would certainly see my email by then. I don't know what I expect from her-- like I said, I don't know if I want response or not (I WANT to hear from her, but not if it's going to make me miss her even more...). I'm not actually crying all that much, but I feel like crying a lot. I think what's getting me the most right now is that I seem to randomly start thinking about whole experience itself-- I start thinking about how much I looked forward to sessions, then I picture the waiting room, then going into her office, sitting down, seeing her sitting across from me (... yup, that did it-- time to check-off "crying" on my mood tracker for today...)... I just miss it/her/the whole thing so much, and what's worse, is that, aside from the people who see her in her private office, I'm actually jealous of the people that are still in school, and will get to see her soon. I think I'm also afraid she'll forget about me, or that she's already forgotten about me. Rationally, I don't think that's true, but it's how I feel. Also, as of now, I'm going back home at the end of the month, so I'll physically farther away from her, too. I have this false hope that maybe she'll say we could meet for coffee or something to make up for not going to lunch, but, again, I don't know if I'd really want to do that anyway, so I guess it's sort of a moot point regardless.
OK, I think it's time to stop writing and try, likely unsuccessfully, to distract myself. Anyone have any ideas about this situation?
Thank you!
Posted by Dinah on August 12, 2009, at 23:33:04
In reply to nothing since my last post..., posted by peddidle on August 12, 2009, at 17:18:43
I don't do termination well, so to me it sounds as if you're doing very well, even though I know it must *feel* awful.
Would it help to join in the distress tolerance thread above?
Posted by peddidle on August 13, 2009, at 12:48:17
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » peddidle, posted by Dinah on August 12, 2009, at 23:33:04
> I don't do termination well, so to me it sounds as if you're doing very well, even though I know it must *feel* awful.
**Well, I've never "officially" done termination before, let alone when it wasn't my choice, so it's all new to me, and I don't really have anything to compare it to. But, thank you for saying that.
>
> Would it help to join in the distress tolerance thread above?**Hmm... honestly, I don't know-- I think it would depend on whether or not I'm in a "triggering" kind of mood where EVERYTHING hurts, because EVERYTHING I think about or look at makes me miss T. I glanced through some of the thread, briefly, though. Towards the very very end, my T was talking about BPD, and told me about middle-path, and I saw a link to the DBTselfhelp site there. Again, that's something I never really discussed, in depth, with her, except for expressing my denial about it. So, I don't know... maybe... Thank you for the suggestion though.
Posted by peddidle on August 13, 2009, at 22:39:12
In reply to nothing since my last post..., posted by peddidle on August 12, 2009, at 17:18:43
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 14, 2009, at 9:34:09
In reply to nothing since my last post..., posted by peddidle on August 12, 2009, at 17:18:43
This is tough, Pediddle. I'm not sure you should send the email until you are clear what you want from her in response. Then you can put that in your email and see if it's something she can accommodate. But the way it seems now from what you wrote, it would be hard to know whether it's better or worse to send it.
I am sorry it's so very hard. You know I understand that completely.
((((((((Pediddle)))))))
Posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 11:10:26
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » peddidle, posted by TherapyGirl on August 14, 2009, at 9:34:09
> This is tough, Pediddle. I'm not sure you should send the email until you are clear what you want from her in response. Then you can put that in your email and see if it's something she can accommodate. But the way it seems now from what you wrote, it would be hard to know whether it's better or worse to send it.
**The thing is, I do know what I want from her-- I want her to still be my T, even if it's only for phone sessions, but she already told me no, hence why I haven't seen or spoken to her since May. That's why I don't know if it would be better or worse if she responded-- I want to hear from her, but not if it's only going to be the one time, because then it's sort like a tease... You know what I mean?
>
> I am sorry it's so very hard. You know I understand that completely.
>
> ((((((((Pediddle)))))))**I do know you understand how difficult this is. Thank you!
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 14, 2009, at 19:33:57
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » TherapyGirl, posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 11:10:26
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm going to be facing my own challenges there in a few months. I go back and forth on how much contact is enough and what tips over into torture.
What if you told her you really felt the need to keep in contact with her and asked her what she feels she could offer? I know you tried several things, but I can't remember if you gave her the opportunity to say what she is willing or able to do. I told my T last night that once/month is not enough contact the first few months after she retires -- I need some kind of transition. She asked how often and I said no more than 3 weeks between contacts, but some of it could be via email. So maybe come January that won't really work, but for now it feels like we were able to compromise in a way that keeps it from being quite so horrible for me.
I wish I could help you do the same thing with your T.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2009, at 20:37:25
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » TherapyGirl, posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 11:10:26
When my therapist was gone and I wasn't sure what would happen, he promised that we could keep in contact by email.
Yet I discovered I was a lot better not hearing from him. No matter how much it hurt and how much I thought about him, I would achieve enough equilibrium to go about my life. Every time I wrote to him, or every time I heard from him, that equilibrium was shaken and I'd fall apart.
It sounds as if she's very firm in what she can and can't offer you. If you think contacting her would bring peace in the relationship it might be worthwhile. But I'd think it through first. My experience is that once the message is sent, my whole being would be focused on wondering about the response. And once the response came, I'd be caught up in the disappointment of it not being what I would like. Overall, for me, it wasn't worth it.
Posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 22:00:21
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » peddidle, posted by TherapyGirl on August 14, 2009, at 19:33:57
> Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm going to be facing my own challenges there in a few months. I go back and forth on how much contact is enough and what tips over into torture.
***(((TherapyGirl)))
>
> What if you told her you really felt the need to keep in contact with her and asked her what she feels she could offer? I know you tried several things, but I can't remember if you gave her the opportunity to say what she is willing or able to do. I told my T last night that once/month is not enough contact the first few months after she retires -- I need some kind of transition. She asked how often and I said no more than 3 weeks between contacts, but some of it could be via email. So maybe come January that won't really work, but for now it feels like we were able to compromise in a way that keeps it from being quite so horrible for me.
>
> I wish I could help you do the same thing with your T.
**Thanks. I guess I didn't really give her an opportunity, per se (that's my passive-aggressiveness...), but she was pretty clear about what she wouldn't do. She did say I could still email her, but "it just won't be therapy...", and actually, when I talked to her that last time, before we hung up she said to email her. It's just, I didn't get a transition at all-- it went from the usual one, sometimes 2, session per week, which were usually supplemented with several emails, to 3 or 4 sessions per week plus multiple emails, then straight to zero. She KNOWS I have severe difficulty dealing with change, and at a time in my life when there are so many changes happening at once, the abrupt end just seems cruel. I know she's not intentionally trying to hurt me, but that's what's happening. To be fair, it's not like she never gave me an opportunity to discuss this stuff with her, quite the opposite, but, again, between my passive-aggressive nature, denial, and everything else, I just refused to get into it. I guess the harsh irony is that she told me she began preparing for the termination in the fall when she/we though I was finishing in December, so then she was ready for it in May. Nice, huh?
Posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 22:31:11
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » peddidle, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2009, at 20:37:25
> When my therapist was gone and I wasn't sure what would happen, he promised that we could keep in contact by email.
**Yup, she told me to email her. But, at first, I was worried about using up my "email points" with her-- I didn't want to send so many emails that she would get annoyed and just ignore them and just see them as "oh, another email from [Peddidle]." So, I sent a few emails in June, and I haven't sent any since. Oh, and I called and left a message before one of those emails-- she didn't call back, but she did email me to tell me she got the message. I think I mentioned that in my first post at the top of the page, or maybe it's on the previous page at this point.
>
> Yet I discovered I was a lot better not hearing from him. No matter how much it hurt and how much I thought about him, I would achieve enough equilibrium to go about my life. Every time I wrote to him, or every time I heard from him, that equilibrium was shaken and I'd fall apart.**YES!!! EXACTLY!!!
>
> It sounds as if she's very firm in what she can and can't offer you. If you think contacting her would bring peace in the relationship it might be worthwhile. But I'd think it through first. My experience is that once the message is sent, my whole being would be focused on wondering about the response. And once the response came, I'd be caught up in the disappointment of it not being what I would like. Overall, for me, it wasn't worth it.**That's definitely my experience, too, with every email I send her. I've been thinking it through, but the more I think about it, the more I want to send it, but I still don't know if I *want* to send it. (side-note: That sentence is ridiculous, but that's why I love babble-- I know you understand exactly what I mean, even though it makes little to no sense whatsoever.) I can't decide what's worse-- my head spinning with all the things I want to talk to her about, just wanting to hear her voice, wanting to SEE her, all the wishful thinking associated with that, writing it all down, and thinking about whether I should just stick with what I'm doing, or if contacting her will somehow get me out of this tangled mess or if it will just create more knots. I just don't know. That's why I started with just writing the email, and letting it marinate for a while. But, it's still sitting there, and it's fairly long at this point, though I've certainly sent her longer ones. When I first started the email, I wrote that I had been avoiding/trying not to email her, and I thought I had been doing OK with it, because had been like a month since I last emailed her. Now, that section has evolved into just talking about how I had been trying not to email her because I could take a hint, and I thought that's what I needed to do. So, I guess at this point I can honestly tell her that I have been actively trying not to email her. Maybe if she sees how hard I've been trying with this, she'll agree that some of the reasons why she said she wouldn't see me aren't a problem anymore. False hope... I don't know if I should keep going like this, no matter how much it hurts, or risk rocking the boat...
Posted by peddidle on August 17, 2009, at 17:42:58
In reply to nothing since my last post..., posted by peddidle on August 12, 2009, at 17:18:43
Posted by emilyp on August 19, 2009, at 8:47:55
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » Dinah, posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 22:31:11
I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive here, but based on what I have read (and assuming you have not sent it yet), I don't think you should send it. As hard as it is, it seems pretty clear that your therapist is unwilling to continue a relationship. That is unfortunate but sometimes life throws a curve ball. I think if you send her the e-mail and you don't get a response - or even worse, get an e-mail that is curt and not particularly understanding, then you will feel even worse. And you seem to say it the best - "Maybe if she sees how hard I've been trying with this, she'll agree that some of the reasons why she said she wouldn't see me aren't a problem anymore. False hope." Unfortunately it does seem like a false hope. If she was willing to see you, I don't think she would have terminated and told you to see someone else.
I say all this not to be mean, but to encourage you to move on. Find the support you need from someone else - someone who wants to engage in a relationship. It is really hard to 'change' someone - whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend, a mother or a therapist. Instead of trying to change her and her feelings, you would be better off putting your efforts toward yourself, learning to manage without her and finding a therapist that can help you.
Posted by peddidle on August 19, 2009, at 19:49:21
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » peddidle, posted by emilyp on August 19, 2009, at 8:47:55
> I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive here, but based on what I have read (and assuming you have not sent it yet), I don't think you should send it. As hard as it is, it seems pretty clear that your therapist is unwilling to continue a relationship. That is unfortunate but sometimes life throws a curve ball. I think if you send her the e-mail and you don't get a response - or even worse, get an e-mail that is curt and not particularly understanding, then you will feel even worse. And you seem to say it the best - "Maybe if she sees how hard I've been trying with this, she'll agree that some of the reasons why she said she wouldn't see me aren't a problem anymore. False hope." Unfortunately it does seem like a false hope. If she was willing to see you, I don't think she would have terminated and told you to see someone else.
**Sorry, but no. It's not that she doesn't want to continue a relationship-- she told me to find another T because thinks that I need a different kind of therapy. The biggest reason, though, is that I saw her at my college's counseling center, and I graduated this past May. Hypothetically, if I still had another year, or semester, or whatever left, I would still be seeing her.
I actually did send her a different email on Monday, asking her if we could talk about this through email. I also told her that I had a longer email for her, but that I would keep this one brief. She replied today saying that she will be away through Sunday, but she'll be back at the college on Monday, so to send her an email and she'll get back to me.
Thank you, though-- I really do appreciate your thoughts on this.
Posted by emilyp on August 19, 2009, at 21:23:49
In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... » emilyp, posted by peddidle on August 19, 2009, at 19:49:21
When I made my comment, I understood the issue about a different type of therapy and I also understand that you have graduated. It will be interesting to see how see responds - I say that because saying you need a different kind of therapy is often a way of indirectly trying to end a relationship. But hopefully I am wrong and you get the kind of response from her that you are hoping for. If you feel comfortable, let us know what happens.
This is the end of the thread.
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