Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 907854

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finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them

Posted by friesandcoke on July 21, 2009, at 22:12:53

I went to yet another therapist today to meet for the first time. This is the third one I have "interviewed" in looking for one. They are all getting paid for this initial visit. The third one was the best so far of the 3 I have met. However even with her I noticed a couple of things that really did turn me off. And I am asking this group to be honest to see if these things are valid points by which to "judge" a T. None of these are major issues but I look at them all together and it to me seems strange to have so many little things from one person. I liked talking to her. However this is the second T to be wearing sandles and during the session taking her sandles off and being barefooted. She was also dressed with an oufit that looked like it was more fit for someone to wear to the grocery store. She wasn't dirty but her clothing choice ( peddle pushers and a sloppy top with some wierd necklace that didn't match) with sandles. It was more an outfit I would wear if no one cared how I looked. And from what I have read, how a therapist dresses is something they should be concerned about since it sends a message. Secondly when I came into the office and sat down, she started what was our first time interview with her going through a file cabinet and not even looking at me. I told her I would wait until she was finished going through the file cabinet. She said, "oh, it's OK, you can still talk". To which I said, "I would like to make eye contact". I don't think talking to a T you just met while she is going through a file cabinet is respectful to me or any other patient. My mother was a badly battered wife. She asked me "what took her so long to get out of the marriage". I was kind of shocked at that question because anyone know knows anything about battered women knows these women are being held hostage by the batterer. When you being beaten up daily by someone and have 4 children and no job skills, "getting out of the marriage" sounds like it is a decision that can be made on the spot and you just do it. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. And I said as much to her. I told her I was there to work on my self esteem and self confidence as I had some things in my life that I wanted to change and my self esteem and confidence were holding me back. She was asking questions and all this family drama stuff was coming out. That is OK but she seemed so in awe that I had endured all this drama in my family. Her sence of being awestruck made me uncomfortable. I don't want a therapist to make me feel uncomfortable about my issues. For example during a tantrum my teenaged brother once stuck me with a fork during dinner. Somehow this came out as she was asking about how my siblings behaved growing up and when I told her that she was aghast. Sure, it was shocking but is a therapist supposed to act shocked? And when I left she said, "see you next time". Now please, I am not looking for reasons not to go back. I did make another appointment. But I have worked in the business world and when I have met people for the first time it has always been customary to say, "It was nice meeting you". This was my first visit with her and she didn't say anything like that. I was embarrased that she seemed so overcome with my family history of father beating mother and the domestic violence in the home. How much emotion is a therapist supposed to show? She was not crying or freaking out but aren't they supposed to keep their cool? I was in a licensed profession for a while where I had to interview people as part of my job to provide them with a service (not for counseling) and if they told me things that were upsetting which they did, I made it a point to not make them feel uncomfortable about it. I wouldn't say she was deliberately making me feel embarrased but if I am telling a therapist about domestic violence that is something a therapist would be hearing about. I wouldn't tell that to my dentist and expect the same reaction as I would from a therapist. Comments please.

 

Re: finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them

Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2009, at 22:24:05

In reply to finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them, posted by friesandcoke on July 21, 2009, at 22:12:53

It doesn't sound as if she's the right therapist for you. It doesn't matter if those things would be offputting to anyone else. They are to you.

I was reading just yesterday how study after study show that a good therapeutic relationship is the best predictor of outcome, or something like that. If she doesn't feel right to you, she doesn't, and forcing it probably won't help.

What would an ideal therapist look like to you?

When I was interviewing a few years ago, I had a list of qualities that were important to me, and I asked up front about them. In the end, I still didn't like any of the therapists, but at least I narrowed down the candidates a bit.

 

Re: finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them

Posted by Phillipa on July 21, 2009, at 22:30:47

In reply to Re: finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them, posted by Dinah on July 21, 2009, at 22:24:05

I do agree doesn't sound like the right one. I've searched high and low and can't find one. One time had a good one clicked with but worked at the hospital and didn't take clients. I know how frustrating it is. Phillipa

 

Re: finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them » friesandcoke

Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 22, 2009, at 8:38:00

In reply to finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them, posted by friesandcoke on July 21, 2009, at 22:12:53

Go with your gut. She didn't sound very professional, and i am "big" on how we present ourselves, and a professional dressing like that sounds sloppy. I wouldn't have liked that, and a t shouldn't be all that emotional when hearing terrible stuff...or shocked.

I endured 31 years of abusive "marriage"---I know all about being "held hostage." Pretty scary when the client is more knowledgable that the T!!

I say keep interviewing until you find a good "fit." At least that is what I would do....red flags, etc.....nahhh

 

Re: finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them » friesandcoke

Posted by fleeting flutterby on July 22, 2009, at 9:44:03

In reply to finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them, posted by friesandcoke on July 21, 2009, at 22:12:53

I agree with what Dinah said-- it's what's important to YOU, that matters.

I saw a psychologist for a few years and looking back, I think I would have been more able to relax and have more healing experience if he hadn't been so "professional" looking. Always wore a pressed shirt, dress shoes and pants and a tie-- it was too "stiff" for me. And he was very stoic, I talked of horrific things and he-- no reaction at all. (after having denied any feelings for years, stuffing them down-- I'd hoped someone would help me to finally release them by showing it's OK to express emotions-- but it wasn't going to be this psychologist) I'd feel quite comfortable with the T. you just saw-- I could feel more at ease. ...... but..... you see... everyone is different.
It's what makes YOU feel OK with the situation -- that's what matters.

I think that psychologist I had seen, would perhaps be a good fit for you, from what you describe as to what you are looking for in a therapist-- too bad I couldn't send him over to you. LOL ;o)

wishing you luck in your search,
flutterby-mandy

 

Re: finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them » friesandcoke

Posted by Nadezda on July 23, 2009, at 11:12:34

In reply to finding a new therapist, 'interviewing' them, posted by friesandcoke on July 21, 2009, at 22:12:53

Hi, Fries.

You seem to know what you're looking for--- and what makes you uncomfortable. There are two contradictory thoughts I have-- one of which is, are you being too quick to judge negatively, on what might be incidental things? On the other hand, I do agree with others that the fit between you and your T is crucial and that it's important not to stay with someone that you can't open up to.

I have to say, personally, that I question her looking through a file cabinet while in an appointment. Especially with a new patient-- or someone she hasn't been seeing for ages-- (and even then it's a bit much)-- so I do wonder about her sense of what type of concentration and interaction is necessary. On the other hand, the sandals/pedal-pusher thing-- while not my taste-- is less important. What worries me more is that her affect seemed to disturb you-- the intense reactions, and overly open surprise or wonder. I think the emotional context is the most important thing-- whether you feel you can rely on and be safe enough with someone, or have the right kind of boundaries. If she communicated that she's not up to dealing with your problems, or that she's too naive / or being too "friend"-like-- it might over time really not be right for you.

You strike me as having very high standards, and really needing someone who can meet them. And while it might make it harder for you to find the right T, I would at least continue to look, although it doesn't hurt, either, to go back at least once, to reestablish how you and she are together.

Good luck, though-- finding the right T can take a lot of looking-- but it really is worth it, in the end.

Nadezda


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