Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 904581

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Re: I think I'm done with T

Posted by muffled on July 5, 2009, at 23:42:17

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on July 3, 2009, at 22:33:33

((((((((TG))))))))))
Just all round its hard I reckon.
But glad you got a dog :)
Glad you getting along OK.
Up and down I guess for you.
But I admiring you plugging away.
I think losing your T gonna hurt like hell, but that it'll ease up some over time.
I really do beleive this.
Hope your doing OK.
Goto go.
M

 

Re: I think I'm done with T

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 6, 2009, at 21:24:49

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T, posted by muffled on July 5, 2009, at 23:42:17

Thanks, Everybody. I've had to start shutting it down -- am getting ready to spend two days with all of my relatives in pretty close quarters.

I haven't heard a word from T (big surprise) and at this point I don't know whether I will.

I'll write individual responses and any update once I get back home.

Thanks again for the support.

 

Re: The message she left

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 16:46:09

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T, posted by TherapyGirl on July 6, 2009, at 21:24:49

"Hi, TG, it's T. I just wanted to let you know that I got your message about not meeting Thursday and I want to respect what you need. I'm sad that we aren't able to get to a better place with this. Let me know what your plans are for next Thursday."

WTF am I supposed to do with that? I waited 5 days for that??????????????????????????

 

Re: The message she left TherapyGirl

Posted by Dinah on July 8, 2009, at 16:47:18

In reply to Re: The message she left, posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 16:46:09

:(

I wish I could call her and tell her that she's an idiot. Or perhaps not that. But something.

 

Re: The message she left TherapyGirl

Posted by Daisym on July 8, 2009, at 18:44:17

In reply to Re: The message she left, posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 16:46:09

She really does sound like she is trying to leave the ball completely in your court and is refusing to see how deflated that damn ball is!

How about this - take a month off and see how that feels. If you can begin to let go of her, of the past and of the current angst, then maybe go see her to say good-bye. That way you are protecting yourself without making any final decisions one way or another about seeing her.

I know it must hurt so much. Every interaction steals a bit more from the stock-pile of the good relationship. I'd want to stop seeing her and live in my memories too.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

Re: The message she left Dinah

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 20:57:55

In reply to Re: The message she left TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on July 8, 2009, at 16:47:18

Yep.

 

Re: The message she left Daisym

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 20:59:31

In reply to Re: The message she left TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on July 8, 2009, at 18:44:17

Yes, I think a month (or more) off is what I need before I make a permanent decision. Another benefit is that perhaps she will be through the move at that point.

I can't think about it anymore tonight. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I can't believe this is the person I've been with for 24+ years. I just can't believe it.

 

Re: The message she left

Posted by muffled on July 8, 2009, at 21:36:39

In reply to Re: The message she left, posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 16:46:09

Mayhap I'll just be the devils advocate here.
But maybe your T just doesn't know what to do?
She is human, she's just a person who happenes to have some training, but she is not perfect.
Maybe there isn't an answer thats right in this whole miserable situation..
This whole thing just sucks all round.
This person has been your T for a very long time.
Its not really an average T relationship, and yet....she IS your T, NOT your friend. There is a HUGE difference....
Is she going to allow occasional contact, so that all is not lost? So that you can still know she is out there?
Maybe, in the distant future, things could be different, but not right now, not yet.
Its just a sad sad situation, I'm not sure what your T can do to make it any easier?????
I think the ball is in your court TG.
She will be gone.
Its going to hurt.
She will not be there to help you thru this.
You will need to gather up the tools she has helped you to find within yourself and deal with it.
If you can seek the help of others, then thats even better.
Cuz this is going to hurt.
Lots and lots.
24 YEARS.... :(
BUT,
this is a huge but,
you CAN get thru this.
Life will go on. Maybe not the same, but there can be goodness. You can contribute to this world. Like you already have! by giving your dog a good home.
I hate to seem so cold, but I am not sure what more your T can do at this point cuz she will be gone.
She can't really BE your T anymore with this leaving hanging over the therapy.
I like what others said, bout that maybe give some space, and try and keep the good times intact. Maybe write to her to say thanks for what she has helped you with thru the years. That this is hard, that you will miss her. perhaps wish her well.
But thats bout it.
Its awful, but then there are alot of endings in life. They hurt, but we keep going, somehow.
We just keep going and try and do what good we can.
TG, I really feel bad for you, and your T cuz she cannot help but care for you, it must be hard for her too. But she is doing the ethical thing too. She is not saying 'lets be friends', cuz that very rarely actually works. Just causes more pain ultimately...
My old T, who I wasn't with very long at all compareds to you, but it hurt to leave her. But I still have occasional email w/her, and its OK now. I just am happy to know she is OK. I b*llsh*t her and say I am OK mostly too. I guess I am really.
But on I go.
And I hope on you go too TG.
I think from what I have gotten to know of you over the years(is it YEARS?!) that you have much to offer.
So mebbe you can just keep bumbling along like me, and we do what we can.
I have a new T, she is OK. We SLOWLY developing some sort of a...gasp...perhaps...dare I say....a relationship...UGH, albeit an odd one...
anyhow.
I wish you the very best.
Just trying to throw a different perspective in there for you.
Like as not, I am way off base, wouldn't be the first time.
I just know, for myself, that I really really appreciate it when others throw stuff in my lap to think about, even if it hurts. Even if its wrong, sometimes it helps to get me to thinking and figgering stuff out, moving ahead.
So thats all this is.
I dunno enuf to know wassup really.
Please take care,
I want you to be OK.
With all due respect and caring at this crazy hard time.
Muffled

 

Re: The message she left TherapyGirl

Posted by Dinah on July 8, 2009, at 21:47:35

In reply to Re: The message she left Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 20:59:31

It's hard not to be cynical. They were fine with our being dependent when it was a source of income for them, and convenient for them. But then when it no longer is, we're supposed to just move on and not make things difficult for them.

My therapist swears he cares about me. He swears he'll see me as long as he can be mobile enough to get to some location and has his wits marginally about him. He says that even if that isn't possible, he'll arrange visitation rights for me. He says that now, and maybe he even means it now. Goodness knows I can tell he really does care about me as much as a therapist can care about a client and still have it be a useful therapeutic relationship. But that isn't all that much in comparison to how I feel about him. He says all that now, but one day he's going to hurt me so badly... And when he does, I'll bet he'll be annoyed with me for making things difficult for him.

 

Re: The message she left muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 7:59:09

In reply to Re: The message she left, posted by muffled on July 8, 2009, at 21:36:39

Thanks, Muffly. I'll try to give her some of the benefit of the doubt, but it seems to me she knows what to do (I've asked for very appropriate things, in line with the boundaries we've kept all these years), but she just refuses to do it. I think it's more a matter of energy -- the energy she's using to grieve her husband and now the energy she's using to plan her retirement before she leaves. There's just nothing left for me, and I can't imagine there's anything left for her other clients either. But she won't admit it. That makes it very hard to deal with.

She has always said we would keep in touch. Originally, we talked about lunches; now we're talking about phone calls and coffee.

It's just too much to handle.

 

Re: The message she left Dinah

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 8:02:38

In reply to Re: The message she left TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on July 8, 2009, at 21:47:35

Exactly. I'm not sure it's the source of income that makes them fine with the dependency, though. I think it has more to do with them really wanting to help us except, of course, when it inconveniences them. I've told my T a couple of times over the years that when stuff is going on for her, she suddenly wants to be a secretary instead of a therapist (meaning she wants a 9-5 job where no one is upset if she takes 2 or 3 weeks off in a row, etc.). She's doing exactly the same thing now. You'd think they'd train them better, wouldn't you?

In our first few years together, I was constantly worried about her abandoning me. She told me repeatedly that I was skipping ahead to the end instead of "enjoying" the beginning and middle parts of our relationship. I have to say now that the end has been even worse than my worst nightmare about it. I'm trying to hang on to all the good things I've gotten from her, but good Lord she's making it hard.

 

Re: My return message

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 8:05:03

In reply to Re: The message she left, posted by TherapyGirl on July 8, 2009, at 16:46:09

In a desperate attempt to at least feel better about how *I'm* leaving things, I left T this message:

"I have a couple of things I want to say to you and since I'm not sure when I'll see you again, I'm saying them on this voice mail. One thing that I keep coming back to from the session last week was your comment that this is who you are and maybe I don't know that about you. At the time I was horrified. I've known you for over 24 years and while I don't know all of the details of your life and I know you in a limited way, I've seen your heart. And I know that the person you are right now is not the person I've known for 24 years. One of the more helpful things you did for me last winter was to constantly remind me that I was still in there somewhere, even when I couldn't see it myself. I don't know if it works that way for you, but I want you to know that I still see glimpses of you. I'm sad that you are not yourself right now and that I'm not in better shape to just go with it, but I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate all you've done for me over the years."

I don't expect her to respond, because she might have to admit that she has nothing left to give her clients right now and I think that's the crux of the problem here. But at least I said it.

 

Re: My return message

Posted by muffled on July 9, 2009, at 11:16:57

In reply to Re: My return message, posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 8:05:03

That was beautiful ((((TG)))) just like you.
Take good care.
M

 

Re: My return message TherapyGirl

Posted by Dinah on July 9, 2009, at 11:18:16

In reply to Re: My return message, posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 8:05:03

Would you mind if I printed out this thread for my therapist?

He really doesn't seem to grasp the fact that he's going to hurt me someday.

 

Re: My return message Dinah

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 11:50:27

In reply to Re: My return message TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on July 9, 2009, at 11:18:16

Of course not -- if this can help anyone else put a better plan in place ahead of time, I'm all for it.

And it's not like I haven't printed out several of your posts for my T to read. :-)

 

Re: My return message muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 11:57:01

In reply to Re: My return message, posted by muffled on July 9, 2009, at 11:16:57

Thanks, Muffly. I'm trying. It's hard. I know you know that.

 

Re: My return message TherapyGirl

Posted by antigua3 on July 9, 2009, at 12:17:33

In reply to Re: My return message, posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 8:05:03

Hi TherapyGirl,
I've been thinking of you. Maybe this has already been discussed, but is the way she is behaving triggering earlier, specific feelings? Not just the overall abandonment issues, which are huge, I know, but can you locate something specific that is making you feel so horrible, although I completely understand all the feelings you are going through and I'm not minimizing them at all.

As my T always asks, can you capture the thought you have before the feelings erupt? Or is it that they are just so constant?
Please take care. I wish I could help more.
antigua

 

Re: My return message antigua3

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 19:21:48

In reply to Re: My return message TherapyGirl, posted by antigua3 on July 9, 2009, at 12:17:33

It is massively triggering -- it feels a lot like it felt trying to get my mother to love me (and trying not to get the sh*t beat out of me). T is not as mean as my mother, but that's about it right now.

The feelings are fairly constant, but I'll try to pay more attention to see if I can answer your question better. Part of it is the same as my early relationships. But part of it is also that in my really bad moments, I become convinced that she thinks my suicide plan is the way to go here. Because she certainly hasn't provided an alternative.

I feel completely abandoned by the one person I thought I could trust more than anyone else.

 

Re: I think I'm done with T rskontos

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 20:03:13

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T TherapyGirl, posted by rskontos on July 5, 2009, at 15:13:42

Thank you so much, RSK. Not least of which for helping me feel less crazy about all of this.

I apologize for being so long to respond. I'm having trouble keeping myself together and coming back to respond to earlier posts. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate your thoughts and your support.

You are right that if she says or does something that hurts me, it's wrong. Period. And right now she could not have hurt me more if she had beat the sh*t out of me.

If her point was to make me feel like I'm such a burden to her that she is glad to be rid of me, then she has greatly succeeded.

 

Re: I think I'm done with T emilyp

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 20:05:57

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T, posted by emilyp on July 5, 2009, at 16:35:13

Thanks, Emily and welcome to Babbleland. I don't know what I would do without this place. I especially appreciate you jumping in to not only support me, but to help me understand what is going on with my T.

I think it could have been exactly like you said -- a bond between us that we were both suffering such huge losses. But she won't allow that because she won't admit anything is different. I've pretty much lost all hope that she is going to handle this differently at this point.

I'm trying to hold onto my memories of the person she used to be. Trying really hard.

Thanks for the perspective. I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home here. It really is a special place.

 

Re: I think I'm done with T muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 20:07:31

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T, posted by muffled on July 5, 2009, at 23:42:17

Thanks for this too, Muffly. Bayleigh is the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. She is such good therapy. And I think I've been good for her, too. She is finally getting to be a puppy AND she's gained weight (she was 4-6 lbs. underweight when I got her). She looks so happy and healthy.

I took her to the dog park tonight instead of going to therapy. I think it was a good decision for both of us.

But you are right -- this thing with T is hurting like hell.

 

Re: I think I'm done with T TherapyGirl

Posted by rskontos on July 10, 2009, at 0:45:16

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T rskontos, posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 20:03:13

No don't take on that you are a burden to her, she is the burden. A therapist that is retiring must be there totally for her patients to have closure. She is just being grief stricken failing to see that and failing to see the harm she is inflicting.

But you have done nothing wrong and am not a burden. Don't even think that. She is the burden at this point.

take care, be gentle with yourself.

mourn the loss and try to move forward for yourself.

rsk

 

Re: I think I'm done with T

Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 21:45:04

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:32:40

when she says it is your filter, let her know it is your filter as you are interpreting it, it is not your filter as it really is. who is she to blame you for the negativity she is bringing into the sessions? confront her on her denial!

 

Re: I think I'm done with T

Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 21:54:01

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T rskontos, posted by TherapyGirl on July 9, 2009, at 20:03:13

sounds like she is emotionally beating the shi* out of you and the fact she doesn't even notice makes it 10x worse.

 

Re: I think I'm done with T

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 19, 2009, at 20:28:11

In reply to Re: I think I'm done with T, posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 21:54:01

Thanks, RSK and Fries. You're right on a number of fronts, but I also have to acknowledge my role in this. It is true that I react very strongly to the slightest difference in her connection to me -- especially now. So for right now, I'm going to assume she doesn't mean to beat the sh*t out of me or make me feel like a burden. I'm really hoping that after a 3-week break we can both get on a better track with this whole thing.

I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for being so supportive!


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