Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 858739

Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Update

Posted by Morgan79 on October 22, 2008, at 12:31:44

Thank you everyone for your support.I don't know if I could have made it the past few days without everyones support and encouragement.

I spoke with him. It feels so strange calling him "ex-t" because we were/are so much more than that. I have talked to him twice on the phone. He started to cry but then I could tell he was holding back for me. I don't think he meant for any of this to happen. Therapists are human, and he admits that he is fully responsible which makes me sad.

He wants to meet, but not at his office. He wants to meet somewhere that would be neutral. I told him I would text him of a location by 4pm. We are meeting at 6.

We talked for a while last night, and told him how i just wanted him to hold me and say it was going to be okay. He said it all okay, but we would need to move. He wants to give up his practice and go back to teaching high school history.

He says he truly loves me, and what he did was completely wrong, but it has happened and either way you look at it we are going to lose something.

I am confused and this is something I have to figure on my own. So I will meet him and we will see how it goes.

Thanks again everyone,

~Morgan

 

Re: Update

Posted by Nadezda on October 22, 2008, at 13:36:33

In reply to Update, posted by Morgan79 on October 22, 2008, at 12:31:44

In my opinion, the depth and meaning of a romantic relationship is not more than that of a therapy relationship. These things depend on the people involved and on how their connection develops.

Part of what strikes me as mistaken is the idea that one or the other type of relationship is "more." They're different; they have different constraints and aspirations, but both have limitations and freedom-- and ultimately, either can be incredibly profound, or not--

I guess I"d like very much here to defend the importance and specialness of what happens in therapy, and to say that someone who works in a deep way in therapy has at least as much at stake, potentially, for their lives, as someone who's married to a therapist. Again-- there are different things at stake, and perhaps we have an image of one as being more important, more intense, etc. But it just isn't the way things are. It can be-- but it is by no means necessary.

Maybe the preponderance of people here who believe they're in love with their T. or are in love with their T, distorts our perceptions of the imperatives of therapy, and makes it seem somehow a lesser thing. Yes-- we all fantasize about being part of a T's family-- and imagine, given what we've experienced, that it would be so much warmer, more nurturing, and wonderful-- and the same of a marriage to a T. But given the number of T's who are married who carry on some sort of quasi-romantic courtship of patients-- I'd have to say that the idealized version of marriage to a T might be open to question.

I wish Morgan and her ex-T good fortune with their relationship. I hope it works out for her. But I also note that there's been no mention of what she would be giving up for this relationship. She's in school, pursuing a new career-- and moving away would be just a disruptive of her future as of that of her T-- Yet everything is put in terms of what he would give up. Plus, given the doubts she now has about herself and about pursuing a career that she'd chosen, I'd say she's already suffered significant losses. I'm concerned that this might be a prototype of a relationship where her needs disappear in the shadow of his "sacrifice"-- which would then make her always owing, and always the depriving one-- Where does her sacrifice actually fit in here?

I guess I've found this discussion rather disturbing overall, and while I believe in supporting people here, I also believe there is at this moment, too much emphasis on the wish-fulfillment of acting out these fantasies, as somehow a desirable thing-- rather than committing to the process of therapy, whatever restrictions and boundaries it places on certain aspects of relating.

I'm sorry but I've been feeling very uncomfortable with this whole discussion, which may be my limitation.

Nadezda

 

Re: Update » Morgan79

Posted by LadyBug on October 22, 2008, at 14:29:37

In reply to Update, posted by Morgan79 on October 22, 2008, at 12:31:44

Morgan,
I followed your post from the past few days. You are brave for coming here and opening up about it. I'm sure neither of you intended for this to happen. One thing I see you have going for you is the fact you are both single. You aren't dragging any spouses through the mud. You met in unusual circumstances, but it did happen. You both recognize what you are up against. Maybe he is your soul mate? I know it must seem painful. I knew a couple once that was seeing a T for marriage counseling. The wife fell in love with the T and left her husband for the T. They got married and were very happy!!!
So, even though to the world what has happened may have been against ethics, it may be that the two of you can move through this and come out on the other side with a relationship full of happiness.
By the way, welcome to Babble. I have been around for about a year and a half and I've been supported by the best! You can always find someone who understands what you are going through.
Good luck today. Let us know what happens. Everyone deserves to be happy but not when it comes with a high price tag. Maybe things can work for you. Do you want to be with him?
I'm sure you will figure out between the two of you what will be best for the situation. If it's together, then you will work it out somehow.
LadyBug

 

Re: Update

Posted by Dinah on October 22, 2008, at 18:59:54

In reply to Update, posted by Morgan79 on October 22, 2008, at 12:31:44

Well, ordinarily I'd be concerned for the clients he's leaving, but at this point he's likely no good to any of his clients. Maybe he won't be again until he gets some therapy of his own. Therapists in personal crisis aren't all that much good, in my personal experience. Perhaps giving up his practice won't be that awful a thing. And he's less likely to be swept away by passion in the future in a high school. One would hope anyway.

Just remember that if he leaves his practice, it's not your fault. And he's not actually doing it for you. He's doing it for himself. Edward didn't really give up the throne of England for the love of a good woman. He gave it up because he wanted to. And while Wallace Simpson got a lot from the arrangement, from what I've read she had to pay a pretty hefty price too. And I don't mean society's reaction.

This is who he is. This is his character, and this is his level of strength. And it may suit you just fine. It's just good to see him as he really is, without the patina of therapy power or department head power.

He's just human, that's true. But humans can be noble as well as weak. Humans can choose to do the right thing. It's what kind of human he is that makes a difference.

He's a human who has in the past been swept away with passion to do something he knows is wrong. He's a human who is ready to ditch his whole life for what may be love or may be obsession. He's a human who's done it once and could do it again. That would be scary to me. Very scary. Maybe I'm passionless, and I probably am, but when I'm choosing a life partner, I want it to be someone with strength and moral courage. I want it to be someone who is willing to wait the two years, not because of the law, but because he's aware that therapy does include a power differential, because he's aware that this could be harmful to the person he loves, and because he's willing to put his desires aside to do the right thing. Someone with self control and the ability to delay gratification.

What does it mean to be only human? Does it mean to be ruled by animal instincts? Does it mean to be able to rise above them?

(To be utterly frank, I'd be a bit turned off by the ten text messages and the tearful phone calls too. Flattered, but a bit turned off.)

Only you know what you're looking for in a man. Everyone values different things.

But speaking as a client who would be devastated by the loss of my therapist to something like this, I *still* think it's not such a bad thing for him to quit practicing and become a teacher.

 

Re: Update

Posted by Dinah on October 22, 2008, at 19:10:43

In reply to Re: Update, posted by Dinah on October 22, 2008, at 18:59:54

I should clarify, I suppose, that I am speaking only from my own experience. For all I know some therapists might be able to function well even when in intense personal turmoil.

And my preferences in life mates is purely my own. I certainly know women who've gone a different route.

 

I absolutely 110% agree with Dinah

Posted by seldomseen on October 22, 2008, at 19:12:22

In reply to Re: Update, posted by Dinah on October 22, 2008, at 18:59:54

about everything.

I would do some very very serious soul searching before I left to be with this man.

I wish you peace, clarity of thought and wisdom during this time.

We are here if you need to talk.

Seldom


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