Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 829152

Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

Posted by susan47 on May 14, 2008, at 22:11:43

I have nothing, I have everything. I have nothing. I have a daughter who hates me. A son who caves around me, an ex-husband who hates me, and a self who hates and caves, tries and fails, again and again and now I'm descending into a drug-addicted, mad hell of my own making. A self rubbed raw with wounds, and I'm doing a Kundalini Yoga, and today I was warned about the side-effects of doing that, the possible healing crisis, and I have anhedonia so Bad, so bad, and I have to move out, and today I tried to get myself admitted to the hospital, but I was rejected Because I have BPD, which is really Emotional Dysregulation, and will be re-named to that, more appropriate label .. and it is that, it is a label, a handle I now go by, now that I've learned who and what I am, the monster I most feared is my deepest self after all, the fear of abandonment, most strikingly showing with CW, my ex-Therapist, and one day perhaps I will go mad and actually use his name, because he deserves to be hurt, damn it, for the pain he allowed me to feel, without knowing, without Knowing Why, when he knew, he had to have known.
I hurt so bad, I want to die, but no, I want to Live, I just can't stand the pain of causing so much pain in my family, my children who actually now feel so bad about me being their mother, I am a failed human being.
God, I want to die.
God, I want to die.
God, I want to die.
Peacefully.
Hopefully.
To be reunited in Love.
Please, let my life have meant something good to someone, somewhere.
Please
Susan, Susan47 ... Who am I, really?
One day, I wish not to be hated.
One day, I wish to know I was loved.
One day, I wish to feel love more than anything else.
Love, without fear.
Just love.
So much love missed.
I am contagious, as my ex-dear-H is now coming back into the house, and he's got more awful things to say and do... I feel like my life is a nightmare.

 

((((((((Susan47))))))))

Posted by muffled on May 15, 2008, at 1:27:16

In reply to Borderline Personality Disorder, posted by susan47 on May 14, 2008, at 22:11:43

There is so much beauty in amongst your writing.
Your writing is so raw.
Yet somehow beautiful.
Maybe this is a weird thing to say.
Take care,
M

 

Re: ((((((((Susan47))))))))

Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 15, 2008, at 7:26:08

In reply to ((((((((Susan47)))))))), posted by muffled on May 15, 2008, at 1:27:16

your life has meaning. THIS life this life that you create for yourself. Amidst all the chaos and strife there are poignant moments of beauty. It's just that the depression won't let you see them. Like blinders they are.

I'm glad you've made it over to this board. Your writing is so evocative and expressive. You share it with us and that is a gift.

-Ll

 

Re: ((((((((Susan47))))))))

Posted by Happyflower on May 15, 2008, at 11:35:40

In reply to ((((((((Susan47)))))))), posted by muffled on May 15, 2008, at 1:27:16

Hi Susan,

You are a beautiful person in and out, I am happy to know you. I don't always know how to respond to your caring words, but that is my issue. But what you said in the writing section is something I will never forget, it means a lot to me.

Please post more, and I will try to be better at responding with support. (((((((((susan)))))))

 

you are SO hard on yourself..... susan47

Posted by twinleaf on May 15, 2008, at 23:17:15

In reply to Borderline Personality Disorder, posted by susan47 on May 14, 2008, at 22:11:43

I hope that's not the way you feel all the time, but, clearly, you really do feel that awful quite often. To take just one of the things you mentioned: don't you think that your children are conflicted about their relationship with you, rather than being totally negative, as you think during your worst times? What they would probably love most is a good relationship with you. Even when it isn't that good, they probably hope for things to be better.

The relationship with your last therapist is so clearly a huge source of pain. Is there a possibility of forming a new therapeutic relationship? That would probably be the single best thing you could do to begin moving out of the nightmare you have been in for so long.

 

How are you feeling now? (((susan))) (nm)

Posted by Happyflower on May 16, 2008, at 11:42:44

In reply to Borderline Personality Disorder, posted by susan47 on May 14, 2008, at 22:11:43

 

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Posted by Tee3 on May 27, 2008, at 21:33:32

In reply to Borderline Personality Disorder, posted by susan47 on May 14, 2008, at 22:11:43

I have BPD, major depressive disorder and dysthymia. I know exactly how you felt when you wrote and posted. I've been in therapy for 20+ years and see only a small improvement in my BPD. I, too, am a failure. Careers ruined, grad education ruined, family relationships ruined, no friends ... but my adult children and I have reconciled; I have grandchildren. I feel that the only contribution my life has made is the kids. I created life and have reared 2 kids while breaking a cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, I think the 32 y.o. is developing BPD; she also has depression.
The only reason that I have not committed suicide is that I don't want to leave a legacy of guilt and grief for the kids. Eventually, it'll happen, but when my body is as physically broken as I am mentally and emotionally. I'm looking forward to it.

 

Re: you are SO hard on yourself..... twinleaf

Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 16:02:17

In reply to you are SO hard on yourself..... susan47, posted by twinleaf on May 15, 2008, at 23:17:15

> I hope that's not the way you feel all the time, but, clearly, you really do feel that awful quite often. To take just one of the things you mentioned: don't you think that your children are conflicted about their relationship with you, rather than being totally negative, as you think during your worst times? What they would probably love most is a good relationship with you. Even when it isn't that good, they probably hope for things to be better.
>
> The relationship with your last therapist is so clearly a huge source of pain. Is there a possibility of forming a new therapeutic relationship? That would probably be the single best thing you could do to begin moving out of the nightmare you have been in for so long.

I have a relationship just starting, with a counsellor not a therapist, a female .. as someone mentioned, perhaps it is not going to be psycho-dynamic enough though. I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore, I am un-done.
Like a shoelace, an old, floppy, worn-out shoelace, Ava.

 

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder Tee3

Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 16:07:08

In reply to Re: Borderline Personality Disorder, posted by Tee3 on May 27, 2008, at 21:33:32

> I have BPD, major depressive disorder and dysthymia. I know exactly how you felt when you wrote and posted. I've been in therapy for 20+ years and see only a small improvement in my BPD. I, too, am a failure. Careers ruined, grad education ruined, family relationships ruined, no friends ... but my adult children and I have reconciled; I have grandchildren. I feel that the only contribution my life has made is the kids. I created life and have reared 2 kids while breaking a cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, I think the 32 y.o. is developing BPD; she also has depression.
> The only reason that I have not committed suicide is that I don't want to leave a legacy of guilt and grief for the kids. Eventually, it'll happen, but when my body is as physically broken as I am mentally and emotionally. I'm looking forward to it.

Write your way out of it, honey. Write until the blood-sucking cows come home, damn it, write until your life's juices want to flow again, because there IS MORE to life than this, you know there is, you feel it sometimes or you wouldn't be here now. Thank god your grandchildren don't have a legacy of suicide. It will happen when it is supposed to happen, and wouldn't it be ironic if it happened when you really didn't want it to?
That's what I think in the back of my mind there is a little door, a space marked "CREATIVITY" .. that is the door to my release.

 

Re: How are you feeling now? (((susan))) Happyflower

Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 16:12:57

In reply to How are you feeling now? (((susan))) (nm), posted by Happyflower on May 16, 2008, at 11:42:44

I'm sorry I just saw your reply, I thought this had been deleted off the boards I didn't know anyone replied to what I wrote, it was amazing to discover that I'm not alone in this.
I'm so sorry not to be alone in this.
I've been doing some off-the-wall reading, Edgar Cayce and Soul Retrieval stuff and so on, and stuff about life after death, stuff I should probably not be reading in my self-endangered state, but I Cannot Help Myself .. I cannot help myself, is this a mantra of mine, a subliminal paraliminal language? In any case, I Can Help Myself, I read Arundhati Roy and she is Marvellous, marvellous I tell you ... My brain felt alive for the first time in years.
In any case, I am trying not to feel like a failure at life, Happyflower, and it's so sad because it's been such a long time since you have been here on the boards, and the saddest thing about coming here now is not having the old familiar crowd around. I am grateful for every old face I see. You are all friends.


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