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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 20:40:14
Ok, I probably shouldn't have looked her up...but couldn't resist. Here's what I found out; attractive, smart, good background, and very successful. I hate to say it, but it did make me feel bad. JEALOUSY comes to mind...SOUR GRAPES also. I keep thinking how lucky she is to have such a supportive man and that's why she's so darn successful. Seems petty, but I would have felt better had she been less of everything! LOL!
I would never tell my T...it might cause more problems than it's worth. As another poster (Rigby) said, "Anyway, I do think you can cross a line with a therapist and I do think it's somewhat naive to think that we can do and say *anything* as patients and have it be okay. I never wanted to be "fired" by my therapist so I just never disclosed too much about what I've seen and what I've known just because, as mentioned, I think I have a pretty touchy therapist when it comes to this type of thing." We might have the same T.
Only if he knew how much I really do know about him...
Posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 22:37:42
In reply to Found out what my T's wife looks like..., posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 20:40:14
I saw her once when she opened the door for me when i came to his home office. The first thing i said to him that session, "She is thin", with a great deal of disappointment in my voice. She, too, is a psychologist, and i consider her to be extremely lucky to have as a husband such a wise, sensitive, intelligent man.
O man... I am jealous... Now i am paying for it...
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 22:40:50
In reply to My therapist's wife., posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 22:37:42
Yeah, me too. Definitely paying for it. Jealousy is something I don't need to feel on top of everything else. LOL...
Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2008, at 0:37:12
In reply to Re: My therapist's wife. » nebulae, posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 22:40:50
Well it was my combination pdoc and therapist his wife and Daughter came to the office nights when I was waiting for my appointment was an hour then and they ate dinner together. I was introduced to his wife and Daughter and used to see them shopping in the same malls as me and we always said hi. Afterall she's a person like I am. And if I'm married why wouldn't he be married or dating or something. Didn't bother me but that's me. Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on August 11, 2008, at 7:41:45
In reply to Found out what my T's wife looks like..., posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 20:40:14
When it comes to jealousy...
During therapy, the therapist is usually (and if done well) entirely focused on us. It is entirely possible that we see then when they are at their most caring, most attentive, most healing. Of course we idealize them and want more from them.
However, we don't know the "rest" of them. They may be grumpy when they wake, can't balance a checkbook, hog the remote, be a total slob, they may even be gassy. They may hoard paper towels. The reality of who they are is hidden so they can focus on the reality of who we are.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there may be absolutely nothing over which to be jealous.
We get the best and perhaps that's the way it should be.
Seldom
Posted by Wittgensteinz on August 11, 2008, at 8:23:53
In reply to One thing to keep in mind perhaps, posted by seldomseen on August 11, 2008, at 7:41:45
I have to agree with Seldom - therapists are experts in containment, and they have to be to do a good job i.e. unless therapeutically valuable, the details of their personal lives, including their annoying habits and their imperfections, stay out of the room. If we were privy to all that stuff, the therapy would become terribly complicated and non-productive.
I've been seeing my analyst for nearly a year and a half now, and I've grown to deeply respect and love him - occasionally he does make mistakes, and that usually makes me feel more endeared . I feel a tight bond. That said, I haven't experienced feelings of jealousy. I have sessions at his home and on a few occasions have bumped into his wife at the door or she has answered the phone. Maybe I've felt a bit awkward - probably more so from the thought of intruding in his home life.
It's easy to idealise our therapists - but they are humans too. I recall one time, he was talking on the phone, talking to his wife because their new cleaner had got lost on her way to their house, and he cursed loudly. I'd never heard him curse before and it stunned me somewhat - I'd somehow not thought it was within him! I told him sometime later that "gentlemen professors weren't supposed to curse like that". I think we want our therapists to be perfect, ideal fathers, mothers, spouses (of course they are not these things, but I'm talking transference), and when we meet an anomaly, we shrink away from it, turn a blind eye, sooner than see them for what they are, just ordinary, imperfect, human beings, like everyone else.
Posted by Dinah on August 11, 2008, at 11:46:08
In reply to Found out what my T's wife looks like..., posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 20:40:14
I've googled my therapist. In fact, I do it every once in a while. My therapist knows. It doesn't bother him since it's public information. I hope he googles himself regularly too.
I know where he used to live because he put it on his receipts as a mailing address. It was within blocks of my house. He knows that I drove to the corner near his house because I wanted to see how likely it would be for him to drive past my house while I was picking up the newspaper in my robe and slippers. I was happy to discover that although it was close, there was no direct way to get from his house to mine, so I didn't have to worry. He said he's had clients do drivebys and he considers it a sign that they are trying to feel close to him.
I saw his wife because she showed up at his office one day. I was curious, and was glad to have my curiosity satisfied. It felt a bit weird, especially since she showed up at the beginning of my session, and my therapist seemed a bit annoyed and a bit unsure what to do. I told him it was fine for him to talk to her before seeing me, and he did. We just tacked on a few minutes at the end.
I wasn't particularly jealous. My therapist is a bit finicky, so it didn't surprise me that she was fit and slim and pretty. I know she's way more competent and powerful in her field than I'll ever be. But lots of people are. I don't envy her him as a husband. He's not nearly as good a match for me as my husband, and I'd never want to trade mine for him. I think my therapist would drive me utterly batty as a husband. I am glad he has someone in his life and I hope that they stay together in relative marital contentment forever (in part because she has strong ties to the area). I did feel a pang once when he signed off a phone conversation he ended as he was signaling me in with an "I love you." But since I loved him dearly and told him frequently, and he hadn't responded in kind, that was kind of natural.
I think most therapists are pretty cool about whatever feelings come up about themselves. They may be less cool about feelings expressed about their spouses or children. Some sort of evolutionary imperative, probably.
I try to be very respectful about my feelings about his family. I admitted to feeling jealous of his daughter, even though I recognized that as a parent, he would probably be as annoying as any other parent.
It's certainly fine to talk about whatever feelings we might have with our therapists. But it might be the better part of valor to tread lightly where their spouses and children are involved. Maybe that's just my own cautiousness. I try not to wake the mother tiger. But maybe I'm overcautious.
I don't *think* he'd mind if I googled her. But I'm not sure I'd put it to the test.
And yes, I do think we get the best of them. They certainly can't behave with us as they probably behave with their spouses and children on occasion. Even the best of spouses and parents behave in ways a therapist really can't.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 11, 2008, at 11:59:06
In reply to Re: Found out what my T's wife looks like..., posted by Dinah on August 11, 2008, at 11:46:08
Hi Dinah,
Your relationship with your T sounds so healthy to me. Your attitude towards your T's wife reflects it.
I have to agreee with what you said, " I try not to wake the mother tiger. But maybe I'm overcautious. I don't *think* he'd mind if I googled her. But I'm not sure I'd put it to the test." Don't want to rock the boat when I have bigger issues to deal with.
:) stellabystarlight
Posted by Dinah on August 11, 2008, at 12:08:14
In reply to Re: Found out what my T's wife looks like... » Dinah, posted by stellabystarlight on August 11, 2008, at 11:59:06
I think I am just coming to realize how very fortunate I am in my therapy relationship. I realize it has its flaws, and there my be some weird symbiotic and dependent stuff going on, and I'm absolutely sure that one day he's going to hurt me.
But still, in this moment I am very very fortunate. Our relationship is oddly reciprocal, while still maintaining the therapist/client dynamic. Quite a balancing act.
I know I'm also fortunate in having a marital relationship of reasonable contentment. Not that it's perfect, or that my husband doesn't drive me nuts at times. But I can't imagine anyone I'd rather be married to. Or even anyone else I'd want to be married to.
I am blessed in many ways.
Posted by twinleaf on August 11, 2008, at 15:29:24
In reply to Re: Found out what my T's wife looks like... » stellabystarlight, posted by Dinah on August 11, 2008, at 12:08:14
That is so great, Dinah I'm of the opinion that the right kind of relationship with one's therapist is the crucial base, without which other good things just can't happen.
But I'm puzzled as to why you are certain he will hurt you. Are you referring to inevitable things like retirement and eventual death, or something else which has to do with his character, or with the kind of relationship you have built together?
Posted by Dinah on August 11, 2008, at 15:35:34
In reply to your therapist..., posted by twinleaf on August 11, 2008, at 15:29:24
Well....
I was thinking that he'll move or retire or die. I think it's a more likely possibility with him than with some. The moving part, I mean. Not the dying part.
But it's also true that he hurts me in other ways. For example, when he's going through difficulties in his life, my therapy and thus my life is disrupted. As an important part of my support system, if he is unstable then so am I.
However, I mostly meant the terminating part. The other part we have always managed to work through - at least so far, no matter how much it may hurt in the moment.
Posted by obsidian on August 11, 2008, at 20:39:36
In reply to One thing to keep in mind perhaps, posted by seldomseen on August 11, 2008, at 7:41:45
>They may hoard paper towels.
I hoard paper towels....what does this mean about me?
;-)
-sid
aka "the quicker picker upper"
Posted by seldomseen on August 12, 2008, at 5:33:34
In reply to Re: One thing to keep in mind perhaps » seldomseen, posted by obsidian on August 11, 2008, at 20:39:36
LOL!!
The reason I put that in there is that *I* hoard paper towels. :)
After a while, storage becomes an issue. It really wouldn't work out if I hooked up with another PT hoarder.
;)
Seldom
Posted by obsidian on August 12, 2008, at 22:27:27
In reply to Re: One thing to keep in mind perhaps » obsidian, posted by seldomseen on August 12, 2008, at 5:33:34
This is the end of the thread.
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