Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 829988

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Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long

Posted by rskontos on May 19, 2008, at 16:04:30

I am still having a hard time with all that was said but he basically talked me out of leaving, for now. I had in an email sent to him prior to therapy sent him a list of all my grievances. (Reminds me of a prison ward sending in their list of complaints in order to release the hostages) He pointed out that my complaint of him being too sleepy was a not all that correct. He admitted to being tired sometimes but not sleepy. He thinks maybe I am mistaking care and concern for sleepiness because I dont want to get closer to him or continue with therapy because of I have trusting issues. My belief that I am boring is so far off the truth he said, I am far from boring.

He said he cared about my treatment. He cared if I got well. He said if money is the hold up he would treat me for free. I had to really struggle not to cry. He said you understand how this treatment thing works for the most part. I stated I was not sure. I was unsure if I know how to take it further. How to get closer or go deeper. I say that I am not sure I even want to. He said of course you are sure because this is a state you have been in for a long time and it is easier than doing the hard work of getting better. Plus you don't trust me or anyone.

I know what he is getting at. That I am trying to sabotage the efforts of therapy in order to ditch and run. And unfortunately there may be some truth to this. I disagreed about the sleepiness. He says to call him on it at the time I think it is happening and we will discuss the rightness of it then and there. He says he is engaged or present. He says he always know what is going on or being said. He said he misses nothing. I said I get frustrated with the DD part and trying to make sure he understands it.. He said understoods but that is in part because of how hard the whole of DD is too understand. And its my acceptance of it I am sruggling with.. and Agreement is there on this stance too unfortunately, I do still struggle with acceptance of it.. Unfortunately he called me on everything and if we were playing cards I would have to fold because my bluff would have been called and I would lose. There is validity in each of his points. He said you don't want to be vulnerable with me as you have never been in any relationship not even in your marriage. Touche'. He said you can get better and have a life with all you have missed and are missing. I know you can. He fought for the therapuetic relationship today. I did not. He said you have been thinking of ending this for two weeks right and in that time what has been going on outside of here. We discussed that. He said therapy represents hope for you. Without that you might be lost. I don't want you to be lost. I believe very strongly in this. I know you haven't ever trusted anyone before and I want you to trust me. He wants to talk to my husband and let him know what is going on with me. He wants to defuse the situation at home so DH doesn't keep saying just be happy. he wants him to understand what it is like to be in my head. He even set up a time to meet with him.

i was blown away but his level of fight for the continuance. I was blown away by the offer of free treatment. I was blown away by the engagement. Maybe I was wrong?

I am so confused. But there was alot of truth in what he said. He finally called me on my ditch and run attempt. Now what.

Could I intevented the sleepiness or mistook a certain look for a look my father had? Could I see what my father did as a way to stop something as therapy is a hard and threatening thing too?

Is it sometimes just as hard to get well as to stay stuck in our rut cause it is the devil we know versus the devil we don't?

rsk

(forgive my spelling errors I am just too brain dead to try and correct all)

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long rskontos

Posted by Phillipa on May 19, 2008, at 20:45:23

In reply to Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long, posted by rskontos on May 19, 2008, at 16:04:30

It's written eloquently and it really sounds like your therapists cares for you and your future a lot. I think inviting you husband is a good thing too. Good luck Love Phillipa

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos

Posted by raisinb on May 20, 2008, at 8:49:05

In reply to Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long, posted by rskontos on May 19, 2008, at 16:04:30

RSK, that all sounds wonderful. Many therapists wouldn't fight so strongly or say that they cared about your treatment.

As for whether or not you are making up the sleepiness, I don't know. I am suspicious about therapists who make such things all the patient's issue--however much you might be scared of therapy, you probably are picking up something. There are *two* people in the room, and both people's perceptions are valid, even if they don't agree. It's difficult to do, but I think it would be wonderful to admit how scared you are to be vulnerable in therapy, while at the same time holding firm in trusting your own perceptions. (That is, unless you really think you could have been mistaken.)

It all sounds so positive. He is there and will fight for your treatment. As to whether you want to continue, that is up to you, sometimes it just isn't the right thing in the life of the individual.

I think it was very brave of you to go back and to confront all these things in the session with him. Wow!

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo raisinb

Posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 9:27:45

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos, posted by raisinb on May 20, 2008, at 8:49:05

Yeah, I guess so I don't really feel brave and I am so not sure about it all. I haven't confirmed the meeting with my husband. There is a part of me that says yes you could have taken something small and escalated it to a nitpicking stage but you are right my feelings are valid. I do know I am not feeling great right now and even during the two week hiatus I was very numb and disconnected. So no therapy probably isn't a good answer either. And he is right in his assessment that i have told him more than I have ever told anyone. I even back away from Babble at times when I feel I have disclosed too much. I don't talk freely about myself no matter how it comes across it is so very hard. Even posting what I did took all day. I feel just as uneasy today as I did yesterday so what does that say, heck if I know. I guess therapist try talk us out of something when they feel we are not fully cooked yet. Not done really.

I admit my perceptions are probably not right all the time especially now. I admit I would rather hide all the time. It is what I know best. I guess I could say well I will try say two more sessions. And if he gets sleepy even once more I will say hey this is it and I am done.

He thought it was interesting I said he reminded me of my father. Always the p-doc huh. He was nice and concerned though I will give him that. And no sleepiness this time.

You know raisinb, it wasn't really wonderful to me it was kinda of frightening in a way. I am not sure why though.

but thanks for the response. More to think about.

rsk

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo Phillipa

Posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 9:29:13

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long rskontos, posted by Phillipa on May 19, 2008, at 20:45:23

Thanks Phillipa, I don't know about eloquently but thanks for support. Yeah I guess he does. I hope inviting my husband is a good thing. I am not sure though. More thinking to do still.

rsk

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos

Posted by B2chica on May 20, 2008, at 10:28:05

In reply to Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long, posted by rskontos on May 19, 2008, at 16:04:30

first, if you are sure in your gut that he is not the right one, don't let this persuade you. ANY T you get should care this much. continue on with your search, you can decide for sure later if you want to ditch him but you can always contine with a search...

Now with that said...
i must say i'm impressed. he seems to really want you treatment to improve. it reminds me of my T. about the money. i couldn't afford to see my T every week but my T and i agreed that it was important to my health to see her every week so she agreed to 'write off' every other week. and to have your T offer free treatment. that alone is reason to give a second try at least for a little while longer.
if you are ok with your husband knowing all what is going on with you, i like your T wanting to bring him in and talk with you two together about it. i think it is the best situation. also then he meets T and knows who you are seeing each week and won't feel threatened (as some DH do).

and i think you most certainly SHOULD call him on his sleepiness! DO IT! talk about it see what's going on. maybe he has narcalepsy and doesn't know it??
or he can listen but can't keep his eyelids open at the same time??
don't mean to joke but gotta sometimes right?
there's no way you're "making anything up", but sometimes people close their lids when their listening? who knows what's going on..i say lets get to the bottom of this mystery.
and i TOTALLY agree with raisin, there are TWO people in the room, BOTH perceptions are valid. well said raisin.
DONT let someone else make you second guess or doubt your perceptions, or let someone else's perceptions make you feel yours are less real.

ANd he was Very well spoken yes...but look what it took to get that out of him??
maybe this is a turning point, maybe it will continue to be the same old way.
if you are still not sure about this relationship
i say give it a few more sessions and then make your decision again. Start looking.
b2c

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo

Posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 11:48:48

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos, posted by B2chica on May 20, 2008, at 10:28:05

Thanks B2c, this means alot to me too, yes raisinb's point about two people was right, and I do mean to call him on it. He said maybe it was his face's configuration or his expressions, and I do mean to call him on it. He said I am not ever boring I am anything but. I was not really wanting to go on Thursday when my h goes, do i gotta go. I guess I better clarify with him if I am suppose to go. I was assuming he and my h would meet alone. I guess I better not assume you know what happens when you do that.

That being said, has anyone else's H met their t's and if so did they or did they not attend. I don't really fancy being there. It is like people talking about you in front of you, kinda of uncomfortable thing to me.

I am not sure if I am comfortable about my H knowing but him not knowing sure is hard too. Lately I want to abandon ship with my H because I can't take the dual life much longer. You know the playing I am ok, but I am not thing.

T thinks he needs to know so he won't assume I can just snap my fingers be all better.

Yeah he is a hard nut to crack I think I will bring that up too since we are putting all our cards out on the table.

I think I need to print these responses so I don't forget. My memory is so bad these days. I think I purposefully make it so sometimes.

thanks, I do have a plan b therapists office in mind, they have several therapists both p-docs, phd's, counselors of all kinds. A clinic started by one p-doc that my neuro recommended.

I might try there to see if one of them there might be a fit. But that too feels me with anxiety.

oh the web of therapy.

rsk

 

Re:oops, above is for B2c dang button (nm)

Posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 12:59:43

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo, posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 11:48:48

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos

Posted by raisinb on May 20, 2008, at 13:33:50

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo raisinb, posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 9:27:45

RSK, I know what you're talking about. I always want--very badly--closeness and connection with my therapist. But when I am in there 80% of the time, when it happens, I'm scared of it and I find ways to back out of the intimacy--usually by making a joke or getting irritated over nothing. I guess the answer is to just keep working through it! I think it is normal for people whose parents and other loved ones have been untrustworthy.

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo raisinb

Posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 14:50:30

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos, posted by raisinb on May 20, 2008, at 13:33:50

Yeah it is that old tug of war, you want something but then it frightens you when you get it, being fearful of something when you do get it.

I did say I wanted a therapist that was present and engaged right?

Boy oh boy you said a mouthful about untrustworthy parents. And I am suppose to replace him for one of those? How the heck do I do that? Do I really want to? And why exactly? Oh I know. I have read so many wonderful posts by other Babblers about how their longtime relationships have helped them overcome the hard quest to have good safe relationships but I am just not sure I have that in me in a face to face therapuetic relationship. As he, my T, pointed out, you really haven't had a relationship since your parents that you did not really control and if you found yourself in one, I imagine you bailed on it quickly. Oh doc how right you are. I never stayed anywhere I lost control for long. It was not safe or a good place to be in.

So I guess there is a good deal of truth in some of what he says, so now to separate it all.


Maybe I will just see what happens. For a while at least.

Thanks so much raisinb, it means alot for your insights on this subject. I know you are still dealing with your therapy issues too and I am sure that you are still really sore from that.

rsk

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos

Posted by B2chica on May 20, 2008, at 15:08:49

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo, posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 11:48:48

my H. has met T's. and for me it helps. that way it takes the mystery out of who i'm meeting etc. and there is a person behind the T mask.
in my situation it helped. maybe not for everyone.

but sometimes especially when we have male T's sometimes DH can feel threatened that we spending time with male T's and we listening so much to this guy and that we telling HIM so much and not DH. then we get the "why do you need to see him, why cant you just tell me, OR why can 't you just get better" kind of stuff.

now, my DH does NOT know my situation. HOWEVER, when my T met him we discussed ahead of time what was ok to discuss and what was not. and i wanted to be in there so my DH felt more comfortable and so that it was a we thing not a HE thing. like HE needed help. that it was more for me, support me. That he was willing to do.

and the snap fingers all better...oh boy ya do i know that. i think it comes from the "i want to fix it" frustration. Guys tend to just want to fix things. they don't realize that we dont always NEED fixing, but listening and working and help and support. not just a quick fix. its a hard thing for them to accept, that they cant do anything for the one person they love the very most. that it's out of their hands. and they have to rely on someone else.

best luck
b2c.

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long rskontos

Posted by Kath on May 20, 2008, at 22:54:38

In reply to Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-long, posted by rskontos on May 19, 2008, at 16:04:30

Hi hun,

I am right out of the loop as to what's gone on. I am not online daily & there is SO much happening on the board that I just can't keep up to date.

Not having much background as to you wanting to quit, & just reading this one post, it seems to me that this T truly cares about helping you, as another human being, heal.

I like that he said to call him on it if you're seeing him act sleepy or tired.

I don't know if there were other major reasons for wanting to quit. From reading this, I'd tend to say stay with this T. It doesn't sound as if he's harming you. If sounds like he's safe. I'm sure others who are in the loop about this will have good input.

I'm blown away by him offering free sessions. And the stuff about your husband....how do you feel about that hun? Will your hubby go to the T? It might be the very 'bestest' thing.

LOVE, Kath

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos

Posted by Kath on May 20, 2008, at 23:04:39

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo raisinb, posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 9:27:45

HEY - read what you said:

>I admit my perceptions are probably not right all the time especially now. I admit I would rather hide all the time. It is what I know best. I guess I could say well I will try say two more sessions. And if he gets sleepy even once more I will say hey this is it and I am done.

*************VERY important.......you are saying if he gets sleepy you'll stop seeing him......HE said that if you perceive him as sleepy CALL HIM ON IT!!!! (((((you))))) do you remember him saying that??? You said he did hunneee.
SO - if he gets sleepy - can you say "HEY - you seem sleepy (or tired or whatever). You told me to tell you."

I think the fact that you are thinking you'll LEAVE if he gets sleepy, rather than actually dealing with whatever that triggers is really something to think about hun. Depending on what happened to you, someone looking 'sleepy' could be a HUGE trigger. Some abusers have a 'glassy eyes' look or a dazed look hun. this could be really important & of COURSE the sleepiness or whatever look it is could make parts of you say, "HEY - what the **** - I'm OUTTA here!!!"

Please be gentle with yourself & I really think this could be important. Maybe talk with your inner kid(s) before you go in & tell them, "We are going in to see Dr. ------. If he gets looking scarey, we will TELL HIM, right away that we are NOT OKAY with him looking like that - that it makes us really scared." or something like that. Wadayathink?

love & hugs Kath

 

Re: Went to end therapy but (possible triggers) Kath

Posted by rskontos on May 21, 2008, at 8:37:14

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos, posted by Kath on May 20, 2008, at 23:04:39

You know Kath, I never thought about that. I told him it was because he reminded me of my sleepy father but that he could remind me of my mother's lovers whom I think are some of the abusers in my flashbacks never registered with me and now I am getting that scared triggery feeling. I think you might really be into something. I will think about that and tell him too!

Geez, thanks for this insight. it really bears thought.

rsk

 

Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo rskontos

Posted by raisinb on May 21, 2008, at 8:51:45

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but he talked me out of-lo raisinb, posted by rskontos on May 20, 2008, at 14:50:30

You are very welcome :) You have supported me, too.

It actually helps me to post when I have insights for other Babblers. Even though I can't figure out my own stuff!

 

Re: Went to end therapy but (possible triggers) rskontos

Posted by Kath on May 21, 2008, at 12:42:39

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but (possible triggers) Kath, posted by rskontos on May 21, 2008, at 8:37:14

oh oh oh oh OH - I am SO glad that was of use.

It just seemed TOTALLY obvious to me. I think something about it reminded me of my daughter mentioning to me the 'glossy/glassy eyes' thing.

You are brave & deserve wonderful healing. Your inner kids are fortunate to have someone forging ahead.

I wish you ALL the best, love, Kath

 

Re: thanks so much kath:) (nm) Kath

Posted by rskontos on May 21, 2008, at 16:50:12

In reply to Re: Went to end therapy but (possible triggers) rskontos, posted by Kath on May 21, 2008, at 12:42:39


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