![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 12:30:24
Have seen that therapist for a year once every two weeks her schedule. Well she keeps saying why are you afraid of being alone? And I keep saying I don't know cause I don't. Been going on for the whole year. She would give an assignment and then forget and not ask for it. And then she had my husband come in too to discuss our business said to keep notes so yesterday she said why didn't you come alone. I replied you said you wanted to see me and my husband she kept saying why didn't you come alone. Finally let my husband in and she said what have you changed in a year. I said nothing and she said again you didn't drive here yourself. Husband said thought you wanted to see me. So she said well then come back in a month and see if you've gotten anywhere. Of course I am not going back what for? I thought maybe she could help me learn why I' m so afraid that I can't be alone. Well it isn't happening so too many therapists and no help so no more. Love Phillipa why no assignments? And then her forgetting when assigned. So confused.
Posted by raisinb on May 20, 2008, at 13:36:57
In reply to Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't know, posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 12:30:24
She sounds like a dud. I'm so sorry :( You deserve better--a better T is out there for you.
Posted by kezia on May 20, 2008, at 14:44:28
In reply to Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't know, posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 12:30:24
If she told you to come back in a month, it doesn't sound like she fired you. It sounds to me like you are firing her. I think, too, that she is trying to get you to address/overcome your fear of being alone by exposure therapy (e.g., drive yourself to therapy), even if you can not identify why you are afraid to be alone. It's unfortunate that she does not follow up on the other assignments she has given you. Have you questioned her about that?
It's a shame that therapy or perhaps your therapist isn't what you expected.
> Have seen that therapist for a year once every two weeks her schedule. Well she keeps saying why are you afraid of being alone? And I keep saying I don't know cause I don't. Been going on for the whole year. She would give an assignment and then forget and not ask for it. And then she had my husband come in too to discuss our business said to keep notes so yesterday she said why didn't you come alone. I replied you said you wanted to see me and my husband she kept saying why didn't you come alone. Finally let my husband in and she said what have you changed in a year. I said nothing and she said again you didn't drive here yourself. Husband said thought you wanted to see me. So she said well then come back in a month and see if you've gotten anywhere. Of course I am not going back what for? I thought maybe she could help me learn why I' m so afraid that I can't be alone. Well it isn't happening so too many therapists and no help so no more. Love Phillipa why no assignments? And then her forgetting when assigned. So confused.
Posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 19:15:16
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't know » Phillipa, posted by kezia on May 20, 2008, at 14:44:28
Yes yesterday said you said you wanted my husband here today. And she said both of us take notes when he was in there she didn't mention them. No problem driving there. Got a bit angry when said I drove to the library alone and she said on your bike . I said no in the car. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 20:12:30
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't know » kezia, posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 19:15:16
You never were that happy with her. :(
I always had to remind my therapist of my homework. He has many fine and useful qualities, but a great memory wasn't one of them. If it comes up again, if you mention casually that you did the homework she assigned, she should pick up on the cue and follow up.
If she was a CBT therapist she was probably working more on current functioning than in what led up to your fears. And I'm sort of in favor of both approaches. My therapist did/does both. It wouldn't do me any good to understand why I do the things I do if I also didn't work on changing them. And with anxiety, sometimes you have to work on lowering anxiety *first*. Or at least I did. Then when I did that, the door was opened onto all that my anxiety was covering and we could address that more directly.
A lot of my insight came on my own though. I'm sure it was guided, but he's not one to do brilliant interpretations or pretend to know why I do something. Maybe you could bounce some ideas around in your head, and see what you come up with?
When you say you're afraid of being alone, in what context do you mean? You bicycle alone, so is it that you're afraid to drive, or afraid to go places far from home? Are you afraid to be at home by yourself? Or do you mean it in a more global way? Some people are afraid of going places by themselves because they've had panic attacks and fear the physical symptoms of the attacks.
What sort of homework did she give and not follow up on? I know it's frustrating. I know because I used to be frustrated. But in the end my getting better did mean more to me than it did to him, and I had to take the initiative at times.
Posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 20:42:20
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 20:12:30
Dinah afraid of being alone know I have abandonment issues from childhood which I thought were gone until no longer working. I can ride my bike or go somewhere if I know someone will be home when I get back. I used to love being alone. No more. Homework was just keeping notes on making sure Greg had time to do ebay as he said he doesn't get up early like he used to as I won't let him and he got up three days only one hour earlier, and what time we eat dinner and go to bed as we stay up late posting ebay. Thing that got us both mad is he came as she requested and she kept harping why didn't you come alone. So I think she wanted to make me angry in order to say we can't work together. And no have never liked her she looks down on us. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 21:59:10
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 20:42:20
Phillipa, I really doubt that she did this to make you quit. She wouldn't need to do that. She could just say she didn't think she could help you any further. You say she forgot your homework assignments, likely she forgot what she said about bringing your husband. It's about her, not you.
I'm lousy at knowing when it's wise to look elsewhere and when it's wise to persevere. I could have said much of what you say about your therapist about my own therapist for the first few years of therapy. He forgot *everything*. He often seemed sleepy. I felt that he didn't respect me or like me very much. But I stuck to him like a leech, and now I do feel liked and respected, he remembers too much, and if he appears sleepy I tell him to wake up.
Did her homework have any benefits? Would it be useful to have a discussion with your husband about his needs with regard to work? What he needs from you? Even if it isn't reciprocal at this point? (I have no way of knowing if it would be.) Sometimes one partner needs to make a change for the better, even if it's not fair, in order for a sequence of positive change to begin. Or so I found to my surprise was true for me.
I suppose anxiety is the same way. You need to make a few scary changes for a sequence of positive change to begin. I'm not so good with facing my fears...
I am blathering on.
But my point is that whether or not you decide to see her again, you can build on things that she suggested. Then you can bring her the positive things you've done and make sure she hears them. Or you can bring them to someone else.
And you can think about things on your own too. When you fear being alone, what is it you think of? You talk about being afraid of growing older. Do you think that's related?
It may well be time to move on and look elsewhere for a therapist. But whatever you decide, improving is something you do. They're the guides, and a good guide helps a lot. But don't let her attitude make you give up on yourself and your own life. On her maybe, but not on you or on change.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on May 21, 2008, at 16:02:08
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 21:59:10
Wow! People here sure have good replies to you. Wish I could think of all those things to say! and Dinah you are so insightful and helpful-- hope you don't mind me saying so.
Phillipa-- it sucks that you are struggling so with therapy and the therapist. :o(
The psychologist I used to see(for 2 1/2 years) and the therapist I see now-- neither one of them ever ask me about my homework-- I always have to bring it up. Think most therapists see so many clients they just don't remember who they assigned what to!I hope things work out for the best for you-- whatever that may be.
fl.flutterby (mandy)
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 17:56:38
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Dinah, posted by fleeting flutterby on May 21, 2008, at 16:02:08
> Wow! People here sure have good replies to you. Wish I could think of all those things to say! and Dinah you are so insightful and helpful-- hope you don't mind me saying so.
How could I mind? Thank you! I think I needed that. I was feeling so dense about my own issues.
> The psychologist I used to see(for 2 1/2 years) and the therapist I see now-- neither one of them ever ask me about my homework-- I always have to bring it up. Think most therapists see so many clients they just don't remember who they assigned what to!
Glad to know that isn't unusual. Even after all this time, when my therapist generally does remember what I tell him, I still find it's far better for my therapy (and my ego) for me to bring up topics in such a way that I'm simultaneously refreshing his memory without bringing any attention to it.
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2008, at 19:21:04
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » fleeting flutterby, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 17:56:38
Well today I drove to a nursery and bought a hibiscus bush for back porch on own and then rode the 7.5 miles on my bike alone. So that is progress. Much longer than to her office. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 20:49:16
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't, posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2008, at 19:21:04
Good for you!
Progress is progress. It's the overall direction that matters, not the speed.
Give yourself a nice pat on the back.
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2008, at 20:51:12
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 20:49:16
Thank-you and I need to babblemail you now. Love Phillipa
Posted by Midnightblue on May 22, 2008, at 0:15:10
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 20, 2008, at 20:42:20
Is this the therapist who encouraged you to get a tummy tuck? You seemed pleased with her then.
MB
Posted by rskontos on May 22, 2008, at 10:29:49
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't, posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2008, at 19:21:04
Phillipa, It isn't like I have great experience with therapists, but from my point of view, which is limited, i found that I do what I do for me. I make the steps I make to find answers for me. So do the homework for you and demand she remember for you to get the results you want. Not for her to give you validity or anything other than be an instrument to help you toward your goal. And maybe somewhere along the way you two might meet in the middle. She can't help with all the answers, they are I am afraid locked somewhere inside your head, all she can do is facilitate. She is in fact a tool of sorts but you have to help her. So if she isn't helping because she forgets then say hey you told me to do this and I did it now what does it mean. I have had to call my p-doc on the carpet for things he does that bother me and he has surprised me. Maybe she can do the same for you. But she can't do it alone either. I have found therapy is lonely. But that is part of it if you don't demand them, the T, to be involved. Expect them to be there and they will if you say hey I need more from you. Know what you want, but don't look for all the answers from them, you do have more answers than you think you do. Don't be afraid to look for them.
Good luck, I think you deserve more, and need to speak up to her and ask for it.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2008, at 19:53:15
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Midnightblue on May 22, 2008, at 0:15:10
MB as a matter of fact it was. I wonder why? Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2008, at 19:56:43
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by rskontos on May 22, 2008, at 10:29:49
Don't know if I will or will not go back as seems I've made more progress with my own agenda. As yesterday drove myself to the nursery and bought a Hibiscus plant and today went out after home with husband and back to a store and bought some body lotion. Seems I do more without ridgid rules??? Love Phillipa ps if I do it will be to tell her I do better on my own so far at least.
Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2008, at 9:22:56
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2008, at 19:56:43
Good for you for going out again!
I don't think it necessarily means that you're doing better without than with therapy, leaving aside the question of whether this therapist was the right one for you. There are all sorts of motivations for doing the hard work of change both in and out of therapy.
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2008, at 18:50:57
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2008, at 19:56:43
Good work lately, Phillipa! I saw you're keeping up your positive progress.
Did you enjoy your trip to the boutique?
Posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2008, at 19:46:29
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2008, at 18:50:57
Was pretty nervous grabbed a bunch of stuff got out of there spent a lot of money but stuff I've posted has already sold. Some to Florida, some Poland, all over the world. Thanks for asking Dinah. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2008, at 19:52:07
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2008, at 18:50:57
Dinah went two days in a row as some Mother had switched pant and top sizes and had to exchange. I drove But Greg came and he drove back. I spent more money too but Peaches-n-Cream is the highest quality kids chlothes I've ever seen. They do have a website and can't purchase there can see some items like the Portrait Dresses. Add .com to the way I spelled the name. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2008, at 13:45:20
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2008, at 19:46:29
It's not easy to try to change our ways of coping, Phillipa. I think it's great that you're working to do that.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 17:53:54
In reply to Re: Therapist I guess Kind of Fired me As I don't » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2008, at 13:45:20
Progress isn't a straight line. It's a few steps forward and a step back. The important thing is that you've done something positive. You will be able to do that again when it's right for you.
Posted by Phillipa on May 29, 2008, at 21:41:20
In reply to Don't be discouraged Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 17:53:54
Dinah hope you're right as feel very weak now and so tired. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.