Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 829195

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sessions and remembering

Posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 8:06:21

i'm not sure what i'm writing. i just wanted to share with you all.
i had session yesterday. it was one of those that i pretty much started to dissociate way before i even got there. and when i (littleone) got there i was happy then i waited and waited and got sad and then mad. i was drawing and when she finally came out (about 15min late) i was mad and couldn't get up from the chair i physically wouldn't move and kept drawing and wouldn't even look up at her like i was in a trance but wasnt. then one of the other offices started to open up and i got up and ran into her office. got on the couch but wouldn't look at her.

folks this was a hard session because even though littleone was out i felt that i came in and out of it twice during for really short bits, which weirds me out. but i was still, well, in my memories or whatever...

i was still holding the fear from monday, i got down on the floor in her corner by her bookshelf that has toys on it and started pulling/throwing toys off (i remember this) then i found one that felt like a protector, then i lined up all the toys around me.

what's weird is i remember visually what happened during the session pretty well. but i don't remember the words or chunks.
after the session 'littleone' couldn't leave so T walked me to my car helped me get out. sort of still here i told her (finally) that i didn't quite remember things but i felt it was important and if she'd tell me. i told her i remember visual and the clean cloud (tell ya later) and the birds. and she said and you sent them to God, i quickly agreed...then looked and said no.
she asked if my memories were memory specific to my parts....i didn't think so. i mean normally their not.
anyway we left it at that said for me to write down what i can remember and she'd help next session if i wanted her to.

but it got me thinking. it's just weird because i normally remember things, but there have always been times that i don't. that things get so fuzzy that i just don't remember. but i say i do. i say i do because i remember the pictures in my head, i can SEE what happened, but i don't KNOW what happened.
is that weird? crazy? Stupid?
so am i remembering or not?

well i've been patching in my head and i know we talked about the "people/shadows around me in the cloud around me' that was scaring me. and T told me we send them to GOD in his light one by one so that GOD can fix them. mostly i remember the end when all were gone and we cleaned the cloud and it was bright and sparkly white and we filled it with birds, blue birds and kind. i do remember crying the whole time (but thats kind of a given with littlone, she's the crier).

i don't know that i'm even expecting any kind of answer from anyone...i guess i'm just still confused about the whole thing and kind of removed from it still.
but on the good side regardless of what i remember, i actually feel better.


Re: sessions and remembering B2chica

Posted by rskontos on May 15, 2008, at 9:56:01

In reply to sessions and remembering, posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 8:06:21


I think I know what you are talking about. For me though, I don't have the visual I have the hearing. I hear things but see nothing. It is a big blank. i will hear stuff though. Not all of it just bits and pieces. Sometimes I think you hear only the stuff that is comforting maybe. It seems like that is why you heard the clouds and birds. This is when T send you to God. right to make you feel safe. And your brain let you in on this. The rest you were being protected from. At least this how I see it right or wrong. Yesterday I was at the barn with my daughter and I did something like this. I was there standing at one place and when I came too I was standing at a different location without any memory of how I got there. I did not see me move from place to place but my daughter was talking and I just knew what the conversation was still about to answer her question right. How did I know. It is like your brain is divided into two different functioning parts with two things going on but you are sort of aware and not all at the same time. Dissociation is strange and different and I have found it can change from time to time especially in therapy.

Does this help at all?


ps glad you feel better


Re: sessions and remembering

Posted by muffled on May 15, 2008, at 11:12:04

In reply to Re: sessions and remembering B2chica, posted by rskontos on May 15, 2008, at 9:56:01

Wow, sounds like a helpful session b2.
Glad your T is able to help.
Just so's you don't feel alone, I too do the visual thing. There is visual and NOTHING else. No emotions, no sound, no smell.
What few memories I have of kidhood are just visuals as well. No people mostly either. The only emotion I feel sometimes w/memories is fear, just a general fear, like I not sposed to remember. For no reason. I am quite sure I had a good kidhood for the most part.
Anyhow, ya, I visual too.
And remembering sessions. Sometimes I remeber only bits, sometimes oddly, I remember more as time goes by.
Anyhow, it sounds like you doing some good containment work.
Thanks for sharing cuz it gives me good ideas too.
The cloud thing was beautiful to read about.
Thanks for that.


Re: sessions and remembering

Posted by Happyflower on May 15, 2008, at 11:29:52

In reply to sessions and remembering, posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 8:06:21

Wow, what an amazing session B2, I am so happy for you! You have a wonderful T and she can help you do whatever you need to do. ((((B2))))))) You go girl!


Re: sessions and remembering rskontos

Posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 11:54:14

In reply to Re: sessions and remembering B2chica, posted by rskontos on May 15, 2008, at 9:56:01

well i didn't hear the birds i saw them i even see them now that's the one thing i CLEARLY remember it's at the end of session and the cloud is clean and sparkling and bright and it is filled with birds blue birds and i remember thinking of the birds like from cinderella. yes to make me feel safe that i do know is right. T wanted me to fill the cloud. HEY you just made me remember something! my T wanted me to fill the cloud with something that's why it was filled with birds. i pick birds because alone they are beautiful and they sing but together they freak out when anything bad comes even close to near. and they flutter and dive and peck.

THANK YOU for telling me about how you can answer your daughters question and still not know what was going on.
i'm just so afraid people don't believe me like i'm a big liar. i think its mostly cuz i just dont' understand it myself and if i can't believe myself how can i expect others to. but if T asked before if i remember i always said yes, because i kinda did, i remembered visuals, but the fact is many times i wouldn't remember crap from the conversation and i hated that cuz i thought it was important.

well i just emailed T cuz i have nervous knots in my tummy all morning and their getting worse. to see if i can see her today. i told her i feel like i have to see her like something is unfinished but i don't know what. i see pdoc at 2:00 so she said to swing by after that. she has a client at 3:30 so it may not be a full session but at least we can touch base. and she thinks she may know what's unfinished...

so we'll see....

i really needed to talk to another person with DD today.


Re: sessions and remembering muffled

Posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 11:56:20

In reply to Re: sessions and remembering, posted by muffled on May 15, 2008, at 11:12:04

Thanks! Muffled it was a helpful session (i think, ha) if i could freaking remember. but i do feel like it did something good.

thanks for mentioning that you remember more as time goes by. my T thought i might to and to write stuff down as i remember.

say what do you mean by containment work? what's that?


Re: sessions and remembering Happyflower

Posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 11:57:21

In reply to Re: sessions and remembering, posted by Happyflower on May 15, 2008, at 11:29:52

thanks HF!
yes she is wonderful. i don't know how i'd be getting through all this without her.


Re: sessions and remembering B2chica

Posted by rskontos on May 15, 2008, at 18:29:50

In reply to Re: sessions and remembering rskontos, posted by B2chica on May 15, 2008, at 11:54:14

B2c, just so you know, I answer so many questions like that it is freaky. When I was at the doctor getting a biopsy done I dissociated and could hear myself talking, I did not know what I was saying exactly, couldn't stop it, and just hoped like heck I wasn't embarrassing myself. Before therapy I would not know I was talking I would just come to and know I had "left" for awhile. It is just after having therapy that I now hear stuff. It is after knowing about my parts I hear them sometimes. There are a few I never do though:( these are the ones I am uncomfortable with.

I am so glad I helped you remember more:)

I hardly ever remember more than at the time I come back. That T session i lost the entire session I never remembered a single thing. And that one I did not hear any of it.

Let me know how the session went. I think you are doing amazing work...:)

I am always here for you sweetie, and you can always email me directly or babblemail.

take care


Quick but GOOD

Posted by B2chica on May 16, 2008, at 8:25:34

In reply to Re: sessions and remembering B2chica, posted by rskontos on May 15, 2008, at 18:29:50

my pdoc was of course 1/2 hour late so i was running late getting to meet T. luckily so was she. she called me just as she was leaving her other location , funny i was just leaving pdocs so we met almost at exact same time at office.
first i had to talk about pdocs appt., then we talked about yesterday's session cuz i didn't know what was up but she thought she did. she told me that i came in cuz of the cloud that was around me dark and filled with people/spirits of those that had hurt me. we took them out one by one and sent them to the light, Gods light and sent them to God so he could keep them and fix them and sometimes angels had to help get them there so they would no longer be behind/around me. and before they left i would if i needed to say to them what i needed to say to them. when the cloud was empty we cleaned it and filled it with protective birds.

but what T thought it was, was at the end i was uncomfortable and such because i had never been 'without them' before. they have always surrounded littleone and middleone. and it was that sense that followed me through to the next day that made me feel scared and uncomfortable and nervous.

T said she had a really hard time pulling me out of it and i do remember that. i told her about my not being sure i was littleone the whole time, and she said she new, she could tell, but i told her i didn't know who else cuz i wasn't 'me'. and she knew, she thought it was middle one, and that felt right and i think that's why my memory gets mushed is when i switch between parts during session or i'm in and out or in between my memory gets mushed. but i DO remember the end and not wanting to 'leave' and well littleone had a tantrum and stomping her feet and kicked the wall cuz she didn't want to 'go away'.

sorry i went on like this.
thank you all for listening. its just your the ONLY place i can even talk about this stuff. and its nice to talk about it. and not be a freak.

thank you all!


Re: Quick but GOOD B2chica

Posted by Happyflower on May 16, 2008, at 11:12:03

In reply to Quick but GOOD, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2008, at 8:25:34


I am really amazed at you and your T. I am so glad you have somebody like this to help you, and I really enjoy hearing your stories.

How is everything else, what is your daughter doing? I bet she is as cute as ever.


Re: Quick but GOOD Happyflower

Posted by B2chica on May 16, 2008, at 11:52:39

In reply to Re: Quick but GOOD B2chica, posted by Happyflower on May 16, 2008, at 11:12:03

DD is a joy. she is the light of my life and amazes me everyday. she makes the cutest faces.

after that last depressive episode that came on so quick i am ready to try a new med. if it were'nt for having a kid i would have tried a new med a long time ago but i don't have the leway of being laid up due to meds but. i saw pdoc yesterday and he gave me a few 2.5 zyprexa to get me through this weekend just so i'm not on anything new just yet. then i'm going to try Geodon (all this on med board).

i'm just never sure how meds will effect "parts" either. like the stronger the zyprexa they seemed to not be around except bursts, but without it they seem to come and go as they please. more dissociation i guess. so we'll see.

but back to kiddos. the more i see my girl growing so fast the more i want another. my DH not quite on board yet but i worry cuz of my age the complications and stuff get worse. i want to get stable quick cuz i want to start trying sooner rather than my goal would be to start trying around nov/dec.
the bad thing is. my last pdoc timed it so that i stopped my meds around spring, weather and such sunnier and thought better for me. and holidays always tough so i don't know that that's good timing for me. but i don't want two birthdays in the same month!

anyway i'll talk more about that here later when i get a little more stable.

thanks HF.
and GOOD going for you. you SO did the right thing for you (decision about intership) and sounds like you got a right on T for you -long term....great.



GOOD !!!!!! B2chica

Posted by muffled on May 16, 2008, at 11:58:41

In reply to Quick but GOOD, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2008, at 8:25:34

Manoman sounds like you doing REAL good work!!!!
Love to hear it. You so deserve a break B2.


thanx muffled ;^) (nm) muffled

Posted by B2chica on May 20, 2008, at 9:46:46

In reply to GOOD !!!!!! B2chica, posted by muffled on May 16, 2008, at 11:58:41


Some amazing work!

Posted by Kath on May 20, 2008, at 22:34:58

In reply to thanx muffled ;^) (nm) muffled, posted by B2chica on May 20, 2008, at 9:46:46

You guys amaze me.

The word that pops up big-time is BRAVE.....I see such courage & bravery tackling these things.

You have my admiration.

and loving thoughts, Kath


Re: Some amazing work!

Posted by B2chica on May 27, 2008, at 13:57:09

In reply to Some amazing work!, posted by Kath on May 20, 2008, at 22:34:58

wow. i dont know if admiration is in order on my end but ya, these guys are great here.

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