Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 829065

Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 12:19:51

There has been a lot of drama. On Thursday, I quit. Then Friday, I was so upset that I just--lost it--went into a full-blown state of feeling totally worthless and wanting to die. I came home and started taking every sleeping pill in the house. I didn't necessarily think I'd kill myself, but I wanted out. Then it didn't happen, so I called my T. By the time she called back, they were kicking in and I said I was groggy and had to go. She yelled that I was scaring her and kept calling while I was sleeping.

I woke up several hours later and called her back. I was still pretty groggy. We had a cataclysmic fight. I can't believe some of the things I said to her. I called her out on her dream (some of you might remember that), told her exactly what it meant--that she couldn't help me, knew it, and was extremely guilty--that I was meeting her needs rather than the other way around, etc. I threatened to kill myself and told her it would be her fault. It was--wow.

Then I took about eighteen more pills and drank a bottle of wine. When I woke up I thought, "whoa, that's over (therapy). She'll definitely dump me now." I felt all the shock of abandonment, but I also felt extreme relief. Then I realized I'd done some of it to make her dump me.

She didn't. She called later and asked how we'd work through this. I told her this wasn't good for me right now and I needed a break and I'd come back in a few weeks. She told me to call her if I needed to.

I don't know whether to go back or not. I am pretty ashamed of myself and don't want to face her. I also don't know how much of the episode was my depression reaching its peak, and how much was her fault. I need her. But what if it's more destructive than helpful?

I decided I had to do something right away, so I started taking Wellbutrin. It's going pretty well. I already feel very different. It's like I woke up. I can see the beauty in people's faces again. I get things done. The only problem is I can't sleep more than four hours a night, even with Lunesta. But I don't get tired. We'll see.

I am sad, mixed up, worried, but it's better than I was. When the depression was bad, I didn't have any normal emotions at all. All I felt was complete worthlessness and wanting to die.

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb

Posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2008, at 12:41:40

In reply to how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**, posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 12:19:51

I'm a bit confused. Wouldn't a therapist knowing you'd taken too many meds have to report this to someone? To make sure you're safe? Oh course she knows you best. Glad the wellbutrin is helping you. Love Phillipa

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb

Posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 13:00:29

In reply to how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**, posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 12:19:51

I'm so sorry you've been doing so badly. I was concerned for you.

She didn't abandon you, even when you thought she would. She wants to work it out. I have no way of knowing what's best for you. I don't even know what's best for me. So I'm not committing one way or the other at this point in my own therapy.

Obviously you have a lot of emotional investment still.

Please be careful with the Wellbutrin and lack of sleep. Be careful to watch for hypomania, or agitation and what I call and itchy jumpy feeling. Keep in touch with your prescribing doctor, please. Wellbutrin can be a great medication, but there is that one issue.

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** Phillipa

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 13:11:14

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb, posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2008, at 12:41:40

Hi Philippa,
She did say she was about to call the police when I finally called back. I guess I would've gotten quite a surprise if I hadn't called!

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 13:14:45

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 13:00:29

Hi Dinah,
Thanks for the concern. You, and babble in general, have been so helpful to me during this time.

My T would never abandon me. Well, I don't know, she might, if I consistently did terrible things, like stalk her or something. Which makes me worried I'll deteriorate further and do really messed up things just to end this. I am going to see how the break goes. I already miss my T and feel very alone, and it's only been six days since my last session. But maybe that will ebb. I hope so.

Thank you for the Wellbutrin advice. I am trying to keep track of my moods to note anything unusual.

> I'm so sorry you've been doing so badly. I was concerned for you.
>
> She didn't abandon you, even when you thought she would. She wants to work it out. I have no way of knowing what's best for you. I don't even know what's best for me. So I'm not committing one way or the other at this point in my own therapy.
>
> Obviously you have a lot of emotional investment still.
>
> Please be careful with the Wellbutrin and lack of sleep. Be careful to watch for hypomania, or agitation and what I call and itchy jumpy feeling. Keep in touch with your prescribing doctor, please. Wellbutrin can be a great medication, but there is that one issue.

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**

Posted by backseatdriver on May 14, 2008, at 15:07:26

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**, posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 13:14:45

My experience has been, the first rough patch is the worst. But it really does fade. She'll be there if you need her, but your independence is powerfully real and strong, too, and I think you're doing a great thing by honoring it. I'm still new to this board, but feel so close to your journey. You are an eloquent writer. You're in my thoughts.

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb

Posted by Poet on May 14, 2008, at 15:15:03

In reply to how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**, posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 12:19:51

Hi Raisinb,

I don't know what to say about whether you should work things out with your T or not, but she left it open if you want to so she definitely didn't abandon you.

You might want to ask your doctor to give you something besides Lunesta. I have insomnia to begin with and when I'm more depressed it's worse and traditional sleep meds don't cut it. Dr. Clueless has me on Seroquel just to sleep and it seems to be working okay for me.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time, but am glad that you made it through it and can see some positive things.

Take care.

Poet

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** backseatdriver

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 15:47:56

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**, posted by backseatdriver on May 14, 2008, at 15:07:26

Thank you, BSD. That is nice to hear.

I've been with her for a little over three years, and it's been quite a rocky ride--to say the least. But neither of us will let go. I don't know what to do, but I am hoping a break will help me get some perspective.

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** Poet

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 15:49:54

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb, posted by Poet on May 14, 2008, at 15:15:03

Hi Poet--
That is a good idea. If the insomnia doesn't abate, and I continue to do well on the Wellbutrin, I'm going to take your suggestion.

I don't know whether to fire her either. It would have to come from me, because at this point I don't know what I could do to make her abandon me. A big part of me wishes and wishes and hopes she would. Then, this torture would be over and I wouldn't have to make the decision.

 

ps: what does hypomania look like? (nm) Dinah

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 15:51:15

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 13:00:29

 

Re: ps: what does hypomania look like? raisinb

Posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 17:28:16

In reply to ps: what does hypomania look like? (nm) Dinah, posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 15:51:15

I've got my own personal ways of telling.

For me, if I get permanently aroused physically, I'd better look closely at med changes. Wind hurts my skin, sheets seem unbearably heavy and scratchy. I feel itchy-jumpy. I sleep less, talk more and faster, get "enthusiasms", etc. It feels good at first, but eventually the itchy-jumpy-crawly feeling starts and I can't bear it and start getting self destructive thoughts. For me, it's pretty much related to medications or sleep deprivation.

I'm not sure how much those symptoms are idiosyncratic. I see some of them in the textbook definitions but not all of them. I think they say rapid pressured speech, grandiosity, little need for sleep, hmmm... can't recall what else. Similar to mania, but not as extensive.

 

Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** raisinb

Posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 17:31:55

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long** Poet, posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 15:49:54

I think that sometimes. That if he doesn't abandon me, I'll never leave him.

But...

I suspect it feels way worse to be abandoned than to leave by choice.

I could be wrong though. I felt pretty bad when we almost moved.

 

about hypomania...

Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 14, 2008, at 18:31:04

In reply to Re: how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**, posted by backseatdriver on May 14, 2008, at 15:07:26

I too recently started wellbutrin. about 8 weeks ago. this past week i've woken up after only 5 hours of sleep and have been doing crazy projects around the house. my head is buzzing with very fast racing thoughts, and I have been making jewelry like my life depended on it. I'm almost out of beads and I don't know what will happen to me next. I'm scared. I need an intervention at the craft store.

And then there are the mood swings. From ebullient to deathly dull.

**********
sorry for the tome.

I just wanted to write that I am glad that you are still here with us. That is some pretty scary stuff. Please take good care of you, you're important around here, you know?

-Ll

 

Re: about hypomania... llurpsienoodle

Posted by raisinb on May 15, 2008, at 7:54:56

In reply to about hypomania..., posted by llurpsienoodle on May 14, 2008, at 18:31:04

Thank you :) I can't say how important all babblers have been as I've been going through hell the past few months. I am so glad all of you are here, too.

I bet the jewelry is beautiful. You should look into selling it on consignment or something and that will help your money woes.

Those mood swings and racing thoughts sound rough. I am starting to feel very "active" mentally, but haven't gotten there yet. Just have to wait and see what happens I guess.

 

Re: ps: what does hypomania look like? Dinah

Posted by raisinb on May 15, 2008, at 7:56:29

In reply to Re: ps: what does hypomania look like? raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 17:28:16

Sounds a lot like what I experienced when I took SAMe for a couple of weeks. You'd think the natural supplements would be more safe!

Thanks, Dinah. I am glad I know what to watch out for.


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