Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 828427

Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Sick to death of my family

Posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 8:23:19

My dad in particular. I was on painting my front and back doors, and the job was going so well - I was in a good mood and looking forward to getting the job finished today. Then I found my front door key was missing. Only one person could have taken it - my dad, because I sure as hell didn't move it and he is the only one that has been in my house (or is likely to do such a thing). I could tell the way this was going to go before I even called him - anger, denial and blaming me for the problem.

"Have you seen my front door key?"

"I've moved nothing!!!"

"I didn't say you had."

"Why are you being so nasty?"

"I don't think I am. I simply asked you a question."

"Don't get funny with me sunshine."

"I'm not getting funny with you. I'd just like you to answer my question."

"I'VE MOVED NOTHING!!!"

"Could you please just check to see if you have it anywhere in your house?"

"I'VE MOVED NOTHING!!! I've never seen any of your keys."

"Could you please just go and check for me?".

Five minutes later:

"There's one here with a yellow tag on it. Is that it?"

"It could be. Could you bring it down for me please?"

[Groaning and huffing and puffing.] "Arrrgh. Do I have to?"

"Yes, please. If you could just bring it for me. I need it today"

He brought it down, and no, it didn't fit. It was the back door key. More tantrums and outbursts of rage ensued while I myself tried to keep a lid on my rising temper. It was me that was left with a door that wouldn't open afterall, and almost certainly due to his carelessness and forgetfulness. I'm so sick of things like this happening, and me having to live with the consequences. When I was in hospital he came into my home and threw out a great deal of stuff that had sentimental value for me, but in his eyes were rubbish to be gotten rid of. He also had my dog spayed against my wishes, and I just can't forgive him for that. The week before I went in to hospital I *begged* him not to have it done, and he agreed not to do it. It's getting to the point where I can't stand the sight of him.

At times I find myself wishing he would die and leave me in peace. We have this pattern where he will say something to provoke me, then blame me for being angry. It wears my already limited patience thin, and I start to resent him being here. In the past I asked him to go for counselling, and later, go on medication to control his temper because it was making me ill to live with this behaviour. He's a brute when he's had a drink or two. Many times, when I was younger - soon after my mother died, he nearly drove me to suicide on several occasions, then blamed me for having suicidal feelings. He's an extremely aggressive and obnoxious person, especially in drink. Often I'd go and hide in my room on a weekend when I knew he'd been drinking, but even that wasn't enough - he'd come and find me, then verbally abuse me. By the time I was nineteen my confidence my in tatters and my nerves were constantly on edge. It was like living in a battle ground. I have no love for him any more. That died long ago.

Anyway, thank you for listening. I just needed to vent. At times I feel like a pressure cooker just waiting to explode. If I'm not careful he'll push me into having a relapse, and I just can't let that happen. To be honest, when I was younger I seriously considered killing him, either by poison or stabbing. It was one of the fantasies that kept me going through that time. Sometimes I'd take a knife into my bedroom just to feel safe for when he came for me. At times I felt pretty close to using it, but the most I ever did was throw a cup at his head (I didn't expect it to hit - my aim is so poor, but it did). He played this up to my social worker when I was in hospital, but I was pleased when she said she guessed there was another side to him because of some of the things he'd said. I'm grateful she now recognizes that the stress he put me under was a major factor in my eventual mental 'breakdown'. It continues to be a problem, even though we now live apart (by my request). I can't trust or confide in him. He isn't (and never really was) a parent to me. Quite the reverse.

Q

 

Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal

Posted by Sigismund on May 11, 2008, at 8:35:50

In reply to Sick to death of my family, posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 8:23:19

>He also had my dog spayed against my wishes

That is just awful.

I'm unclear as to whether you live in the same house as your father, and whether your extended family (your aunt) lives close by.

It's my unfortunate experience that by the time you get some detachment from your family so you can see at least a few opportunities and feel less impingement, it's really much too late.

I wish there was some way we could see our families the same way as outsiders do: seeing the same things but having much less reaction to it, and maybe seeing it from some different angles.

And in my case I left home at 17 and didn't go back for 5 years, and still when I did they drove me crazy. Going home was physically painful, it was that bad.
Then they are dead and gone. And there you are.

 

Re: Sick to death of my family

Posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 9:26:14

In reply to Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal, posted by Sigismund on May 11, 2008, at 8:35:50

>That is just awful.

Yes, it is. My mother had me circumcised against my (vehement) wishes when I was a little boy, and for some reason it reminds me of that. It's this thing of taking knifes and scissors to another person's genitals that I can't stand. Especially when they don't want it done. I start to dissociate every time I hear anything on the topic (it's about the only thing that makes me dissociate). I can't forgive her for that either. It was the cruellest thing that anyone ever did to me, and I find anything that reminds me of it very 'triggering'.

>I'm unclear as to whether you live in the same house as your father, and whether your extended family (your aunt) lives close by.

We used to live together, but I asked him to move out two years ago. He now lives in a council bungalow just up the road, and we're both much happier for it. My aunt lives further down the same street as me.

Both of them enter my house without knocking and it's starting to bother me. I often go around naked - especially in hot weather, and on a few occasions I've been caught by my aunt creeping in. Why can't they at least shout to give a warning? That's the polite thing to do.

>It's my unfortunate experience that by the time you get some detachment from your family so you can see at least a few opportunities and feel less impingement, it's really much too late.

I would like there to be opportunities to mend the relationship, but he doesn't want it. He sabotages any peace we manage to create every time he drinks (every weekend), so as far as I'm concerned the opportunity for change has long gone.

>I wish there was some way we could see our families the same way as outsiders do: seeing the same things but having much less reaction to it, and maybe seeing it from some different angles.

I do see the funny side of it, especially with my aunt. She can be fun to be with, but also irritating because of her extreme stupidity. Really you have to be there. It's different when they're your own relatives because you're bound to them in some way. I remember times when my friend would get frustrated with some of her (slightly retarded) relatives, but I just thought they were funny (in a nice sort of way). With my dad, the problem is that he knows how to press my buttons by now. It's not that he does much that's so terrible these days - he just knows how to make me angry, and he enjoys doing it.

>Then they are dead and gone. And there you are.

Do you ever want to be back with them?

Q

 

Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal

Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 11, 2008, at 11:54:52

In reply to Re: Sick to death of my family, posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 9:26:14

you ever read the book "running with scissors"?

childhoods can be so heterogeneous.

My mother spent her mother's day (today) apologizing to me for not encouraging my femininity. Forever doomed to walk in my older brother's overalls, I gave up on all dreams of girliehood.

You are very brave, Q, and sounds like you're holding up your end of the bargain. I'm so sorry that you have to pretend to be well amidst all this chaos.

It's good to get a good vent out. So let forth. Let it spew (just don't forget the trigger flags...)!

-Ll

 

Re: Sick to death of my family

Posted by Phillipa on May 11, 2008, at 12:21:33

In reply to Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal, posted by llurpsienoodle on May 11, 2008, at 11:54:52

Q all I can say is I'm truly sorry. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal

Posted by Happyflower on May 11, 2008, at 14:09:40

In reply to Sick to death of my family, posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 8:23:19

Sometimes staying in contact with those kinds of family can be very harmful to you physically and emotionally. Have you tried to completely disingage yourself from him? You don't owe him anything and if he was abusive and still is, it is better to stay away from him, in my view.

By the way, I would change the locks on your doors if I were you, and hide where you keep the extra keys. Good luck

 

Re: Sick to death of my family

Posted by Daisym on May 12, 2008, at 23:53:48

In reply to Sick to death of my family, posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 8:23:19

Quintal,

I haven't read all the replies so I'm sorry if everyone else has said this - but is there a reason you haven't changed the locks? I don't mean in a big, noisy, "this is what I'm doing" way - just quietly and then keep the keys with you. That would eliminate someone moving things to where you couldn't find them and the difficult interactions.

Families are so difficult - you'd think God could have thought of a better system. I bet the clan societies worked much better.

I'm glad you vented. We all need to do that.

 

Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal

Posted by widget on May 13, 2008, at 8:28:53

In reply to Sick to death of my family, posted by Quintal on May 11, 2008, at 8:23:19

I was struck by Sigismund's message about how difficult it is to detatch from family in order to better deal with them. He said, "then they're dead and that's that." Which is true except you still deal with them. My parents are both dead (my dad being the emotionally abusive parent) but I'm working really hard to be free of him. I have two brothers and find it very difficult to talk to them. I'm really scared!!! It's all tied up in old family patterns. My younger brother sets all kinds of "rules" that I don't know about and, therefore, break and always feel I'm in trouble with him and to blame. I had been able to at least talk to my other brother about what dad was like but now find he has decided to look at dad's "good" qualities (like he fed and clothed us and we had a house) and I feel REALLY alone. Of course, I've always felt that way in my family as I was the only one who would want to talk about the situation of having this monster of a father. It is tricky. I'd like to be closer to them but I fear that means I have to be like them and agree that dad was really ok. That means I invalidate myself and my memories which I am trying to heal from by going to therapy. And, as you all probably know, therapy is hard. However, I feel better in general just not around the family. Does anyone have advice for this type of situation? Is it a choice between being accepted in the family or being honest to myself? Thanks! Widget

 

Re: Sick to death of my family widget

Posted by Sigismund on May 13, 2008, at 19:24:04

In reply to Re: Sick to death of my family Quintal, posted by widget on May 13, 2008, at 8:28:53

Advice?

Well, I don't know but I wonder if it can be useful to act in a way that confounds other people's expectations?

If you act as people expect you to act they will be so armoured that you can predict the result beforehand.

If your brother(s) expect you to attack your father I would be more inclined to grab their lines in advance, say that he did this that and the other for you, and then launch a sneak attack from the right or the left, whichever they expect least.

Needless to say, this is terrible advice for dealing with children or pets.

 

Witholding

Posted by Sigismund on May 13, 2008, at 20:55:16

In reply to Re: Sick to death of my family widget, posted by Sigismund on May 13, 2008, at 19:24:04

Let me try to not be facetious.

In our family we had a pattern of witholding acknowledgement.
That at least was in our power.
So there were interminable attempts to set out points of view, and acknowledgement and acceptance of these different viewpoints were witheld.
If we were being kind to each other we might have said 'You might very well say that, but I couldn't possibly comment.'
But mostly it was more like 'It is a matter of supreme indifference to me what you believe.'
If you get into a pattern like that, I think it is better to accept (if you can) that you will never get what you want and to just give up, because it is so easy to avoid giving validation to someone else.

 

Re: Sick to death of my family Sigismund

Posted by widget on May 14, 2008, at 12:20:43

In reply to Re: Sick to death of my family widget, posted by Sigismund on May 13, 2008, at 19:24:04

I know that simply stating my truth will get me nowhere with the brothers; you are right. They will only become more entrenched. What makes me feel so badly is that we all were raised together but our stories are so different. I realize they are coping as best they can and do not wish to interfer. I just feel very alone. Like I have no family. Of course, I do but they seem like semi-polite strangers. I'm actually afraid to talk to them. It feel dangerous.

Sorry about the miserable communications in your family. It sounds very invalidating. Everyone has the right to their opinion and they don't have to always agree.


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