Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 827937

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A New Understanding (long)

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

Well this might be long but here goes.

Due to Muffled's, Dinahs, B2c and some others posts, I have gained some new insights into my own therapy. I have realized that perhaps my therapist an d I aren't a good fit. He isn't present like Dinah and raisinb and Llurpsie and others talk about. I think he cares but only as a therapist. He is the ultimate good perfect therapist. And lately he is sleepy so much he isn't that.

I discovered while reading here and doing a great deal of thinking that I knew this even early on, but due to my crisis I accepted it. I knew it deep down that sometimes you compromise you just work with what you got. He did have some good insights that helped. He did help with my immediate problems. I am not in crisis. But now, he doesnt get my DD.

I am getting frustrated with trying to get him to help me. I tell him how I feeling and he doesn't answer. I think of so many things I have said to him that he doesn't respond. And my inners have backed off because they don't feel any connectedness that is a threat. Nor will they come out so he can't help me with them. But on my own, the flashbacks are back. In fact, this morning I had a very frightening one but I will not share it with him. I might on another thread share it here. I just don't think he can help or cares really.

I told him I thought therapy was a lonely process, if he asked me why and I try to explain and I get frustrated and say I don't know, he will leave it alone. He never pushes anything.

Yet in my reading he should try more to help me and my inners come out I think. He really doesn't give me much at this point. In fact one instance I remember dissociating he actually dismissed and I was pissed. That was the last time I shared with him openly. Now he has to ask me.

He doesn't realize the change either. He doesn't seem engaged, or notice how I am changing. Or if he does he is treating it like I am a science experiment. I felt like that from the beginning but I buried it. Now it is coming out again and now I can't bury it.

So I think now that i have tapered to once a week I might tell him I need a break. And see how that goes. It might give me insight as to how he feels as I can't seem to get much out of him. Somehow I think things changed.

Maybe I am being weird but I have discuss this with him and still he acts the same.

And the sleepy thing is just too much. Soon I am going to blow up about that.

I think it is time for someone new or a break altogether. He is actually making me ashamed of therapy. What is up with that?

I never felt that way before.

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long)

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 8, 2008, at 12:18:02

In reply to A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

Therapy isn't supposed to make you feel ashamed....or worse....and the sleepy thing is unacceptable. Can you imagine a pilot who was sleepy?!

Sounds like he is NOT doing his job.

As the client, you are paying for a service...you are NOT getting. Did you ever talk to him about the sleepy stuff? Very unprofessional; if he has a problem; he needs to get help with that.

Sassy

 

Re: A New Understanding (long)

Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 8, 2008, at 12:57:51

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by sassyfrancesca on May 8, 2008, at 12:18:02

Hi rsk,
I'm sorry that things aren't so hot in therapy right now. Are you still willing to take a risk and tell him about how his manner is affecting the quality of the relationship?

I think it's worth a try. If you're going to quit going to therapy you haven't got so much to lose, I suppose.

sleepy. that sucks big time. My T was sleepy one time. It was really annoying. I asked him why he was so tired. he commented "that's strange- I got good sleep last night, and I don't *feel* tired"

so what's up with that? I don't have neat little answers. it's a slippery path, and sometimes a lonely one.

-Ll

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) sassyfrancesca

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 13:19:29

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by sassyfrancesca on May 8, 2008, at 12:18:02

Sassy, I have talked to him repeatedly. I even told him it reminded him of my father (my father and mother both abused me, my father mainly, i think through verbal and lack of affection). So you'd think he'd get it. He was better for maybe two sessions but our last one, he wasn't. Sleepiness definitely means he has no presence, right.

And I am paying more since he is out of network, I file and get little back. So, I think that i must move on.

thanks sweetie,

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) llurpsienoodle

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 13:27:47

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by llurpsienoodle on May 8, 2008, at 12:57:51

Llurpsie, I have brought it up repeatedly. I told him how it a) reminded me of my abusive father, 2) it made me not able to connect to him. And I can't remember his response as I recall he just moved on. I know he has a medical condition and doesn't sleep well but come on. I get the sense sometimes he is just bored.
I don't know. I now stop talking the minute I see he is sleepy and he wakes up. And gets coffee. So he knows I know. I shut down, he avoids the topic. I even asked him if something was worse since I noticed he was sleepy every session. I told him it made it harder for me to connect with this issue since my father is very sleepy all the time, he has sleep apnea. He will fall asleep in mid-sentence. I even said if you want me to accept you as a parental figure this isn't going to cut it. No response. He just agreed with me but no response. He is beginning to look like one of those typical p-docs. I am sadden by the reversal.

He thought I would be an easy fix, maybe he now sees that isnt the case and may regret it. I don't know.

I just know I am not sure I can go on much longer. I will do one of two things. I will blow up or I will ditch and run. I even told him I might ditch and run since it really bothers me the way things seem to be going. He nodded his head and started asking questions.

I see it as mixed messages.

But thanks for the response and support.

sometimes the veiled messages suck dont' they.

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long)

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 8, 2008, at 15:07:53

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) sassyfrancesca, posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 13:19:29

You are so welcome sweetie yourself!

Did you ever ask him about the sleepy thing? That is just wrong/bizarre.

You owe it to yourself to find someone who engages you, and in who you feel safe, connected and understood!

hugs, Sassy

P.S. He sounds lazy, too...just getting by....Don't let him......you are worth being respected!

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos

Posted by nfc on May 8, 2008, at 19:09:23

In reply to A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

hey RK,

maybe it is time to move on. The downside is having to explain to a new T your whole situation and all but thats what needs to be done. Try and find a T in network. It'll be good for your pocket although you don't know how good of a T they are. Just starting somewhere is progress at least. Talk w/ your current T first should you plan to move on so at least the departure from this T isn't a bad one. Kinda like it leaves the door open should you want to resume sessions w/ him. take care RK and hang in there, we're all here for you.

nfc

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos

Posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:58:12

In reply to A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

Rsk I'm so sorry for you. I'm having a pretty rough time myself at the moment and I wish I had some good insight to help you feel better, but since I am dealing with the same issue with my T I don't think I do.

I guess I would say that if you have told him everything about how you feel, and he isn't really responding, I know how that feels. That's what my T is doing exactly right now.

I hope that you can work it out with him or if you can't, then you can find someone who really can be there with you and care about you like you deserve. It sounds like you are gaining some important insight and that will always stay with you. Sorry, I'm a little scattered right now but I wanted to express my support.

((rsk))

 

Re: A New Understanding (long)

Posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 21:10:29

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 13:27:47

Rsk,
I'm sorry its not working out.
Thats hard.
There seems to be some communication lack somehow.
Its hard cuz sometimes cuz for me I wonder if maybe its me or other parts doing it. If its a sabotage thing.
It seems its the p-doc in your case.
He did help you settle, and thats great. But mebbe like me, you have got what you can from this T and its time to try a diff T.
I DEFINATELY recommend you try to find DD T or at the very least one experienced in trauma and who accepts DID dx and has some knowledge of it.
You proly can tell p-doc that you are struggling with connection with him and would like to try another T out. He should not have a prob with this. My T was always very clear that if I felt I wasn't making progress with her I could move on and she would be content and not offended by that at all. It was MY therapy, and MY descion to make.
So keep 'babbling', and let us know what you decide to do.
Its just not easy.
(((RSK)))
M

 

Re: A New Understanding (long)

Posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 21:13:32

In reply to A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

Hi Rk,

I really don't know what you should do. I remember your reservations early on about this, but because he has a "reputation" of being good,or he trained at a good school, you keep trying. But that doesn't mean he is good for you, sometimes things just don't click. And since you have talked to him about this, and nothing changed, maybe look into some others. You can shop around, don't dismiss MSW's either, they can be just as good or better. The key is finding the right person.
I know with my T, it has made a huge difference on how I can be open with my problems. I know he sincerely cares about me, and I trust him to help me. Seems like a little thing, but it is huge for some of us who needs to learn to trust, we need to learn that some people can be safe. If you can't be open with your T, who can you be open with? YOu need a T who you feel is on your side of recovery. I wish I could say something to help you more.

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) raisinb

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:10:43

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:58:12

Thanks raisinb, it means alot to me to know that you while dealing with your own struggles rise up to help me in mine. :) but I feel sad that you have T troubles too. It sucks doesn't it. I wish we could find one that helps us get through this and maybe we will. I guess in my hearts of hearts I knew he wasn't right but I was desparate and in that really troubling time I just went with what was in front of me. I made a compromise. All wasn't lost as he did help me.

But to make more progress I think I need to move on. I might be wrong but I can't figure out how else to go forward. I can't seem to navigate the road with this one it seems too one sided.

here's to us both (((raisinb)))

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) muffled

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:16:56

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 21:10:29

Thanks Muffled

I think you are right. I hope I have the courage to be honest about it like that. Some of us, just like to cut and run you know. Very few are adult enough to be honest but we will try to be big girls now and do the right thing.

I think I have tried the hardest I have ever at communicating with him. I will admit it isn't always something I do well, I can talk alot and say little to protect myself but I have tried with him especially lately. But with the DD he hasn't gotten it. Whether or not he has experience, he says he had alot but maybe he has just gotten too old now. WTF do I know at this point. He seems more disinterested actually not without knowledge you know what I mean.

Oh well, this just sucks too. At least for now my flashbacks are coming less frequently. Although last nights was a huge one. ONe I could really get hugely upset about if I stop and thinking about the implications of it but I am choosing to put that on hold for now.

Take care of you too Muffled, as we both muddle through this T stuff.

thanks for your kind words.

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long)

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:22:56

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 21:13:32

HF, just answering and caring is enough. Yes I have had reservations. And in looking back, I realized I knew more than I thought I just overlooked it due to my state of mind at the time. But now, I need to be connected to go further and I am not nor am I going to be. Too many things in the way of it. I have addressed I think as well as I am capable at this point and he as the therapist needs to pick up the slack. I don't not trust him as he hasn't dont anything to hurt me but then he has not had a great deal to inspire me either. Does that make sense. I don't feel about him like everyone else who talks about their therapist and transference isn't going to happen. So that makes me think I need another. I even told him I did not think I could see him as a parental figure without him doing more. But I did not see a change. So do i give it more time or what. I just don't know. I did cut down on sessions. It is cost too much too as he is out of network too. I can't help but to start to think about that too now.

Oh man oh man. What a mess.

Thanks for the reply.

Hope you had a good time on vacation though.

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos

Posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 7:12:19

In reply to A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

Personally, I simply could not deal with the sleepiness. He may be ill, but I would view that as the ultimate in disrespect.

I'm sorry this is happening.

I think you are right on track when you say it may be time to leave.

Love to you

Seldom.

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) seldomseen

Posted by rskontos on May 9, 2008, at 7:48:35

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos, posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 7:12:19

Thanks Seldom, no it is unbearable for me too. It reminds me of
too much I don't want to be reminded of and I've told him and he hasn't changed. So what else is there to do? Move on I think.
love back at you

rsk

thanks so much

 

Re: post above seldom's is for Happyflower oops (nm)

Posted by rskontos on May 9, 2008, at 7:49:28

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:22:56

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos

Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 9:13:45

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:22:56

Hi Rk,

I think if it isn't working and you have tried working it out, it is time to move on. Therapy cost too much money for it not to be helping.

The only thing about what you said has be concerned about transference. You can't force it and you may not have parental transference with T's. Not all of them use this, in fact tranference is something that you are not completely aware of because it can be all kinds of transference.
Have you thought about seeing someone for trauma therapy? SOmeone who knows EMDR? It is just a thought I had. I wish you all the luck because a sweet person like you needs to let the world see how wonderful you really are.

 

Re:Sometimes I think no more therapy for awhile Happyflower

Posted by rskontos on May 9, 2008, at 9:31:05

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos, posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 9:13:45

Thanks HF,

I am so confused right now I actually thought about no therapy for awhile although my flashbacks are coming back so it might not be a good idea. And I am having some thoughts that are distrubing I will not share with current T. They stem from one of my inners.
So I probably need another one.

I will read up on EMDR and see if the doc I am considering does it. About costing too much you are so right --since the current one isn't in my network it costs me twice as much. I could almost pay another house payment with what I am spending. Ugh. It is at least two car payments well one month it was. Anyways, you are right. I think I will just tell him what I think, ask what he thinks and see what happens. It is scary for me though.

I go back on monday.

thanks for your thoughts. and your kinds words aw shucks. :)

rsk


 

Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos

Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2008, at 14:22:24

In reply to A New Understanding (long), posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 11:54:54

rk, its like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard when i hear you continually say you have to keep "trying" with this therapist.
it seems you are putting more effort into this relationship than he is. that is NOT the way it is supposed to be.

i would continue seeing him (as a support base) and start looking/interviewing new therapists.
first make lots and lots of phone calls.
make a list of ....ok i'm saying this backwords....
start over,
First, make a list of questions for phone, ask initial questions (primary questions), do they have experience with DID, how long in practice, what is their approach, how long are their sessions...etc.
then from there mark on the paper the ones you want to call back, make a list of secondary questions for a face to face interview. ask everything from where did they go to school to, how available are they for emergencies. also find out, their beliefs in medication, and if they will communicate with your pdoc (if you have one)...etc all these kind of things.
if you need more suggestions for questions, just come here my dear. there are enough of us to spout out questions, you'll have enough to fill up that 50 min in no time.

****************************
and about starting over....well i thought that i would NEVER do it after my last T.
but something happened. it was worse but also better this time around.
my "parts" became more free to tell. and actually i felt better after telling. i didn't dissociate nearly as much after telling an 'episode' of abuse. before i would have been wiped out the whole night. now (maybe out of necessity) i am just out of it for a few hours...except those really bad sessions.

and quite frankly i think your gut has been trying to tell you this for a while. and i think you are spending SO much time worrying about whether or not this T is right for you that you are making anxiety worse for yourself, and possibly even hindering your progression. Also, if you question it that much, it's easy. it's not right. nothing wrong, not bad. i'm sure he's a really nice guy and good therapist. he's just not right (at this time) for you. maybe if you were in a different place, well maybe he'd be right. but i feel you are needing Much more.
You are needing to be taken care of. and i don't feel you are getting that from him.
you are not getting 100% from him, and dear one you deserve NOTHING LESS.

b2c.

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) B2chica

Posted by rskontos on May 9, 2008, at 15:47:59

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2008, at 14:22:24

oh dear B2c you made me cry, but good one you know because you are right. I have been trying too hard and I am just lazy to look for another one. and my gut knows.

He is hindering my progress. I think I have made more progress on my own with you guys. Just look the past few days and posts I have learned more here than in the last fews weeks with therapy I have been so frustrated. I am skipping next week. I emailed I have to take my daughter to the doctor instead as that is only time she can see the doc she needs to see. So I will look for p-docs instead. My neuro recommended one already. I will call and talk to them. There are actually several at that practice along with counselors of all types. Might be a good place to start and they accept my insurance. I can also just call some of those on my insurance too.

I will print your post and any other suggestions for looking for a new one I can find.

Thanks for taking the time to gently shake me:) and for looking out for me :)

you are the best. it really makes me feel so much like trying is worth it. That being numb is really no state to live in.

rsk

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos

Posted by B2chica on May 12, 2008, at 12:12:11

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) B2chica, posted by rskontos on May 9, 2008, at 15:47:59

very proud of you rk. this is a very good step for you. a healthy step.
and maybe more of a healthy nudge or kick in the rear?? than a shake. :^)

trying is worth it because YOU are worth it! and you are 100% right on. being numb is NO state to live in!

best wishes
b2c.

 

Re: A New Understanding (long) B2chica

Posted by rskontos on May 12, 2008, at 12:30:28

In reply to Re: A New Understanding (long) rskontos, posted by B2chica on May 12, 2008, at 12:12:11

Sigh, you are right B2c but geeze it is hard not to be sometimes you know. It is so much easier to stay numb than to fight to feel, at least for me right now. I am in a very strange state. I could easily fall apart if I let myself so numb is good I think. I just know know WTF to do. I cancelled my t for today and he called to reschedule. I may cancel that one too closer to Wednesday and write him a long email about how i really feel as it is easier for me to get those feelings out as my email conversations go better and those in my head with him than those in real life. I am tempted to just not to go back but that is what I always do so that is probably the wrong thing too. Sometimes I feel so f*ck*d up. you know what i mean.

rsk


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