Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 827599

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Mooning over my therapist...

Posted by backseatdriver on May 6, 2008, at 19:44:29

Gah. I've read Deborah Lott's book. I read the wonderful article someone linked to above. I know this dependency is part of the process. But, good lord, I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager. Moony, moody, hopped up on libido. I don't want to eat or talk, just want to sit around journaling about my wonderful, fabulous, godlike therapist, until everyone is sick of my lovesickness. Even me.

I'm in for a big letdown, aren't I? Gah, he's at the APA conference in DC, and I miss him. Anyone got a line for me to grab? Some wisdom from the trenches? Funny stories, even?

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver

Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2008, at 21:12:26

In reply to Mooning over my therapist..., posted by backseatdriver on May 6, 2008, at 19:44:29

I never wanted my therapist romantically, but in the earlier days when I was deep in maternal transference with him, I used to indulge the fantasies. Except that I'd carry them out to their realistic and not very pleasant actual outcomes. So that if my therapist were my mother, he'd yell at me about cleaning the house. Or nag me about how I dressed. Or cook broccoli every night. I'd get really really specific. Usually I'd make myself laugh, as I realized he was way better in fantasy than he'd be in reality.

Following through on a romantic fantasy might mean imagining the realistic consequences of such a romance, or even the embarassing and less than romantic aspects of the physical side of the fantasies. Some of the most revolting things you ever remember anyone ever doing, realize that your therapist does those things too. All the stupid insensitive things other people do, so does your therapist.

And I always imagine therapists get pretty worn out of being sensitive all day, and certainly don't bring their work home with them.

Did you ever see the Friends where Rachel is flirting with the obstetrician? And he asks what she does, and when she responds she's a waitress at a coffee place, he asks her if she ever comes home thinking she can't stand looking at another cup of coffee? I always figure therapists come home thinking they can't listen to one more person, and can't be accepting and sensitive to a single additional person.

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist...

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 7, 2008, at 8:00:15

In reply to Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2008, at 21:12:26

(Perhaps repeating myself)...Been in love with my t for almost 5 years. Hate the word, transference; this are real feelings for someone who has allowed me to "see" him.

We've discussed my (our) feelings many times.

Unfortunately he is alike me in over 30 different ways (hey, some married couples can't even say that, LOL, LOL)....

He sexualized our relationship years ago (no, no sex, but touching, innuendo); I could write a book.

He has led me on. The excruciating thing is that I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, and have been alone fo 3 years.....

The real miracle is not that I haven't acted on my feelings, but I haven't acted on them in SPITE of how he has led me on.

A few (out of hundreds) of provocative things he has said: If I were to give you the green light would you go for it? You are in my heart and in my head.......WE find it hard to end the session, and WE find it hard to say goodbye.

If I were not married, I would probably go for it.

You mentioned the APA?! I went to the APA's convention a month ago in Hawaii......he saw me FIVE times, but didn't say anything.....and then (the shocker)

He said that he looked for me for a half an hour at the opening dance, and would have danced with me. Huh? He won't say hello to me, but he WILL dance with me??!!

Talk about confusing, mixed signals.

I am already planning for the next APA conference in North Carolina next year. I may be a presenter; I was encouraged by the APA's executive director to apply, because I was appalled that in over 500 sessions (in Hawaii) there was nothing about verbal abuse (one of my passions, as moderator of an abused survivors' group).....

So, it frosts my cookies to think that we were in Hawaii at the same time, he saw me FIVE times and didn't say anything---those weird rules, but he WOULD DANCE WITH ME?! Freaky....

He said he considered it a "success" that we didn't see each other....sheeesh......he's trying to resist temptation, and I am (LOL) doing everything I can to tempt him!

I bring in flowers, candles and he plays music....long story.

I believe we are having the longest incidence of foreplay in the history of the Universe.

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver

Posted by widget on May 7, 2008, at 12:11:29

In reply to Mooning over my therapist..., posted by backseatdriver on May 6, 2008, at 19:44:29

I understand. It took me 3 years to trust my therapist and that turned quickly to romantic love. So much of what has been written here applies to my situation, ie: similar backgrounds, political views, likes and dislikes in general. When I first began with him, I was relieved that I would not have to worry about "tranference" as he was not at all appealing to me and was even annoying. Nobody could have been more surprised than I that I developed such strong romantic and sexual feelings for him. It is almost 2 years since that happened. We have discussed it a lot. Bottom line: he has strict boundaries. I tried every way I could to argue my case but it was like hitting my head against a brick wall. I became angry with him and determined to not have "those feelings" but they still appear, often at the most unexpected times. My bond with him is unlike ANYTHING I have ever experienced. My best advice is to talk to him about it. It takes what it takes. I have, unwillingly(!) accepted that nothing romantically nor sexually will happen. I still love him so much. So, half of the dilemna is solved. I relate to what you said about not feeling this way since I was a teenager; what a shock! And, I, too, know this is more than "transference". But, if he is more comfortable calling it that, so be it. He, also, pointed out to me that when sex enters the relationship, therapy stops. I can really see that. You aren't alone, not at all. It helped me to read your story. Thanks, Widget

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver

Posted by raisinb on May 7, 2008, at 13:50:27

In reply to Mooning over my therapist..., posted by backseatdriver on May 6, 2008, at 19:44:29

I'm still in and out of the same situation myself so I can't tell you how to make it go away or resolve it ;) I wish I knew!

But here are some things I've picked up along the way:

--enjoy it. It's not completely a horrible thing (though it can be painful.) But it also shows you you're capable of a depth of emotional vulnerability and feeling you didn't know you still could achieve. It shows that somewhere you aren't as wounded as maybe you thought. And the fantasies are fun too, or can be :)
--use it to learn about *yourself.* Analyze every little detail of those fantasies. They show you what you are missing, what you need, what you know to be true (or wish wasn't true) about yourself. You might know your therapist little, but if you analyze your love for him, you will learn a hell of a lot about yourself.
--Tell your therapist what you feel, express as much emotion--yell and scream and cry and curse if you want--but if you can't manage that, then make sure you do as much as you can on your own, because you owe it to yourself. This is what therapy is for. And sometimes our therapists don't help much, but we can always relentlessly help ourselves.
--Try not to sink into despair about it (if you have a tendency to).
--Remember it's common, normal, and perfectly okay.
--Post here.

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... Dinah

Posted by backseatdriver on May 8, 2008, at 20:13:15

In reply to Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2008, at 21:12:26

Laughed out loud about the broccoli, then cringed to realize, gah, that's what I serve to MY kid every night.

time to change up the veggies!

Thank you, Dinah, for your wonderful stories and insight.

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... sassyfrancesca

Posted by backseatdriver on May 8, 2008, at 20:16:05

In reply to Re: Mooning over my therapist..., posted by sassyfrancesca on May 7, 2008, at 8:00:15

OMG, that sounds like slow torture. Not necessarily in a bad way. Whatever's going on, you sound like you're rockin' it, like you've got this guy on your wavelength and he is staying there. Think of all the women who've nabbed their psychotherapists -- they are such sexy heroines, so irresistible. Like Sabina Spielrein and Jung ...

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... widget

Posted by backseatdriver on May 8, 2008, at 20:19:13

In reply to Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver, posted by widget on May 7, 2008, at 12:11:29

Oh, Widget, I totally hear you about the whole banging-the-head-against-the-wall thing. It reminds me of those stories one hears about children in orphanages in Eastern Europe -- how their physical needs are met but since no one ever picks them up out of their cribs and holds them, they develop self-soothing behaviors ... like banging their heads against the wall. Literally. Which is also something I did when I was just a little baby. My mother was in the throes of a psychosis ... I think maybe I am just lucky to be alive. Thank you so much for telling it like you see it - I'll see my T tomorrow and your story gives me strength.

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist... raisinb

Posted by backseatdriver on May 8, 2008, at 20:20:52

In reply to Re: Mooning over my therapist... backseatdriver, posted by raisinb on May 7, 2008, at 13:50:27

Raisinb, this is such good advice. Thank you so much. I take a lot of comfort from your observation that, since this has happened, it does indicate that I've still got something going on, inside. It's not all sort of blank and gray.

(Gah I hate depression.)

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist...

Posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 21:40:07

In reply to Mooning over my therapist..., posted by backseatdriver on May 6, 2008, at 19:44:29

I had a thing for my T, in fact it was mutual, but in the end it was devastating to my therapy progress. These feelings you are having are normal but if he returns the feelings, get out of there fast!
Some T's are better at discussing this than others, my old T resisted it and well the issue never got better.
Now with my new T, I think I have worked out most of those feelings, but sometimes I still miss him. It hard and I feel for you being in that situation. It only leads to heartbreak no matter what. Kinda like damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck in this.

 

Re: Mooning over my therapist...

Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 8:10:21

In reply to Mooning over my therapist..., posted by backseatdriver on May 6, 2008, at 19:44:29

I have to admit this, every time I read this post, I think it says Mooning my therapist. lol I guess it tells where my head is.


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