Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 828010

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looks like I quit therapy today

Posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

I went in today and she still wasn't present. She asked me how my weekend was (it's Thursday?) and she realized halfway in she'd forgotten to turn off her pager (I hate it when it vibrates during sessions).

It wasn't these little things though. It was her emotional tone. I could tell that she was bored, withdrawn, and just waiting for the hour to be over. She was saying things in a toneless, rote voice. I could see her saying the same things all day long to her other clients.

I brought it up but all she did was deny it. And she implied that I was the one who didn't want to be there.

She said she wanted me to stay and to be there on Monday. But her voice--I wish I could explain to you guys. It was like she was saying, "I forgot to buy cereal yesterday."

We talked about it but she denied it and didn't answer my questions about it. She said she was present. Finally I said this wasn't working for me, wasn't meeting my needs. She said, "so what does that mean?" I said it meant what it meant, that if she couldn't be present with me and communicate in a real way, then I had to go somewhere else where it would be better. She said that we could work this out and I should keep coming. But her voice--I just can't explain it. It was really fake. It sounded like she was a telemarketer.

She said she wanted me to call and handed over the receipt with the next appointment time. I started walking out, then turned and said, "I'm sorry. I can't." She said, "so that's it?" I said I didn't know what else to do, that she hadn't been present with me in a long time, that she wasn't communicating anything or expressing anything to me. She said she felt like it was all a repetition of my relationship with my mother. (This, again, was said as if she were measuring fabric or something.) I said, "no. When I came in I was reacting to my history. Now I'm reacting to our history."

I knew she wanted me out of there and she was tired of it. So I said I'll give you a call and walked out.

I feel nothing. As a matter of fact I feel dead. I don't know what to do. I can't lose this relationship and I can't go in there with her like that. I do not understand it. It has been over three years and she has always gone back and forth like this. But this is the longest, the last month, when she has been consistently fake. I feel devastated but I am withdrawing too. I feel little in session, reacting to her.

I am scattered and not upset but really dead calm and I hate that worse. I feel like it hurt so badly that I have dissociated or something. Thanks for reading everyone.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb

Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2008, at 20:04:36

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

:(

Is there something in the water? It seems to be epidemic that long term therapists are not themselves. :(

The numbness will wear off eventually. (unfortunate but true). Maybe your feelings at that point will give you a clue as to whether this is the best course for you at this point. It may well be. Certainly I know how really distressing it is for a therapist to just go through the motions. Even if it's not directly because of you.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today Dinah

Posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 20:11:12

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 8, 2008, at 20:04:36

Maybe there is :) But could the water supply in New Orleans and the one in Chicago really be connected? If so, there is a major contamination problem.

I started reading all my journals from the last few years. It is killing me, because there are so many times she has gotten so passionate about this and been there for me like nobody else has. She's yelled at me, cried, told me she thinks I'm "meant" to be there (this was a little weird, but nice. She believes in stuff like that.)

It's hard to explain why you love someone. But I do. But what if she doesn't come back? I miss her. And why am I doing this, anyway? Isn't this a situation where it only matters whether my needs are met or not?

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb

Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2008, at 20:20:57

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today Dinah, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 20:11:12

Maybe it's the alignment of the moon and stars then. :)

I understand how you're feeling. So many good things you've gotten from her.

I guess that's why I'm only thinking in terms of a break rather than as a complete ending. I don't think I could think in terms of complete ending.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb

Posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 21:03:02

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

((((raisin)) Sorry you are hurting, it seems like your T is having an off time or something and it just isn't fair to you.
I guess you have to decide if the relationship is worth it to keep going through therapy. Sometimes change can be good too, a fresh new perspective can be helpful. But then again you have been with her a long time, so sometimes these things happens. I am sorry you are hurting so much. Do you think you can explain in a letter how you are feeling?

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb

Posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:29:14

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

raisinb,

So I see you do really get where I am in therapy. Your description of your therapist is very vivid in my mind's eye. I too feel like mine is bored. I only wish I had the courage to say are you like this with your other clients or am I the only boring one. But of course I don't ask. Honest can hurt can't it.

And mine would not deny, just ignore.

I am sorry for how you feel. You can feel deep in your heart what is right to do. I feel for you raisinb truly I do.

Maybe a break would be good. Then see how you feel. That was my first inclination reading your post. I haven't been with mine as long as yours. But bored acting is bored acting. And mine has been a p-doc a long time.

I wish you luck too and hope you feel better. Here is too us both feeling better :)

rsk

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today

Posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 22:57:22

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb, posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:29:14

Sorry you going thru this raisin. Its hard for me to read.
I sometimes wonder if a change of T is actually a healthy thing to do. Cuz maybe we can get stuck in our own T ruts. So like HF said, a fresh perspective can be a GREAT thing.
NOT to say your T is bad, but just you need some fresh perspective. And not to say you might not go back to same T some time. But mebbe a change, some fresh air as it were might be good.
Not easy, but if you have work to do, then maybe it needs to get done, rather than spending time fussing over the t relationship.
I dunno, I may be QUITE off base here as I have not read all your previous threads as I wasn't around.
Anyhow, I generally say it good to work thru stuff w/T, but it seems you have tried, and tried for quite awhile :-(
Could you still touch base w/T from time to time even if you did a trial separation?
My heart hurts for you.
And having no emots, I have often heard it referred to as numbing.It is a protective response. It does pass.
Hope I haven't said anything off base here.
Just take good care of yourself.
M

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb

Posted by Poet on May 8, 2008, at 23:04:15

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

Hi Raisinb,

I think that if this was the first time my T had been distant and seeming to be answering in a toneless, unrelated to the issue voice I would think okay she's having a bad week. That your T has acted like this before would make me think just like you are and that really sucks. Saying you're present and actually being present are two different things and after three years with your therapist you certainly would know when she is just going through the therapist motions.

I'm sorry this happened to you and that your T implied that it was you who didn't want to be there when you were obviously making an effort to figure out what the heck was wrong with her.

One hard cyber slap to her head.

Poet

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger raisinb

Posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 7:06:33

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

I am continually amazed when I read about therapists who deny our perceptions of them. Of course, some component of these perceptions could be resistance to therapy - that's something we have to decide for ourselves.

By and large, however, our ability to read people and gauge even the slightest shift in mood is one of the gifts (at least that's how I view it) of childhood abuse. I mean - good lord! - for some of us our ability to survive may have been predicated on our keen sense of detecting the moods, feelings etc... of our abusers. It told us when to lay low, when to get out and when to get ready for it.

How can psychotherapists, of all people, so readily dismiss this ability that so many of us have? Frankly, it just boggles the mind.

My therapist and I were just talking about this very thing this week. I told him that he was better in the mornings and that I was worried that the sadness of the day had accrued by the afternoon.

For his own safety he seemed to be very subdued in the afternoon/evening. He admitted that he sometimes got very tired lately since his father died. He appreciated me noticing that.

We talked a bit about what he's going through and really connected throughout the enitre session. Of course I've seen him for 8 years and I think there is a level of trust there between us.

I guess it comes down to the fact that we recognize that they are flawed, sometimes seriously, even when they don't want to admit we are right.

I'm sorry you are going through this too Raisin. I wish you luck as you listen to your instincts and progress through this.

Maybe your T will come through in the end (mine did). Maybe you both just need a break. I don't know.

Take good good care.

Seldom.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger

Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 7:25:33

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger raisinb, posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 7:06:33

Attempting to define another human being's feelings is always wrong and a disaster. We need to hear and feel all of our feelings; listen to our gut. if it FEELS wrong for us, it IS.

Sassy

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger seldomseen

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:26:32

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger raisinb, posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 7:06:33

I know, Seldom. It's hard to think why anyone would deny someone else's valid perceptions, in fact. It's guaranteed to damage a relationship.

I just don't know what to do. This has always happened. She has always denied it and says it is my transference. What can I do? I have told her how I felt and how much it hurts when it happens. I have told her how destructive it is to me emotionally and how I feel like if I keep coming back when it's like this, then I might just end up dead. And still she won't hear.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today Happyflower

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:27:28

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb, posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 21:03:02

Thank you HF.

It would be okay if she would just tell me. If she would say she was tired or something was going on with her personally. Just anything except denial and telling me it's transference.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today rskontos

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:28:46

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb, posted by rskontos on May 8, 2008, at 22:29:14

It is nice to know that someone understands, even though that's a bad thing. I hope you can find the courage to say those things in therapy. Sometimes the best thing we can do in a relationship is be as honest as we can why we have to leave.

Thank you so much for the support rsk :)

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today Poet

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:30:32

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today raisinb, posted by Poet on May 8, 2008, at 23:04:15

I hope she feels that slap!

She does it all the time. Usually it isn't this bad and there are amazing things to balance it out. But this is bad. This hurts a lot.

 

what hurt most was

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:33:06

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

When I said I couldn't come back, she half-turned from her desk and said "I don't want to end like this." But it was a sighing, frustrated sentence. She didn't even turn all the way around. Three years of this intensity and that's all she's got. I am shocked that I thought she cared so much and how wrong I evidently was.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger seldomseen

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:37:55

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger raisinb, posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 7:06:33

I wish she would say she needs a break. Or that she can't help me. Or that something is going on in her life right now. Or that she has a lot of things to deal with and perhaps...anything. Just anything.

But meanwhile what can I do with no T and being horribly depressed?

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today muffled

Posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:41:16

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today, posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 22:57:22

Thank you muffled ;) I don't want to make your heart hurt but it is sweet that it's hurting for me :)

Maybe a new T would be good. I am so sad and depressed and just making it from day to day. It hurts so much to go see another T, you know? I am scared to do it. It's hard. I just want my T to be there. I don't understand what's happening.

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger/seldo raisinb

Posted by rskontos on May 9, 2008, at 7:46:32

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today -trigger seldomseen, posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:26:32

Raisinb, Seldom said a mouth so well and eloquent. It is so true how perception those like us who need therapy have had to be. So why deny it. And if for some strange reason we might be off, then all the more reason the therapist should BE there more to help us thru it not to tell us like our abusers that it is all in our head. To deny us like our past experiences did is just plain wrong. She isn't helping is just like the rest in that.

She should have the skills and the knowledge to lead you gently around issues if she thinks that is case. Apparently that is not her skill. At least maybe lately.

I just wanted to say I really agree and identified with seldom's words and well you know I am in the same boat.

take care my friend.

rsk

 

Re: looks like I quit therapy today

Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 8:49:29

In reply to Re: looks like I quit therapy today Happyflower, posted by raisinb on May 9, 2008, at 7:27:28

You are so right, I hate it when T's use that excuse for their poor behavior. It is so easy for them to call it transference. A good T is one that admits their part in it and knows they are not the only one that can be right. I can't stand arrogance. ((( rasinb))))))))

 

How are you doing? raisinb

Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2008, at 23:50:37

In reply to looks like I quit therapy today, posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

I was thinking of you today.

 

thank you :) I'll start a new thread below (nm) Dinah

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 12:10:47

In reply to How are you doing? raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 13, 2008, at 23:50:37


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