Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 818578

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What's wrong with me?

Posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

I am so tired of being hopeless. Don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal. I am a mother and that, above all, keeps me fighting everyday to find a way to make things better. I would never leave my babies. I am living in a loveless marriage. My husband is more like a roommate. We get along fine, but I have no desire to be intimate with him. We have had our issues, but he's a good man. He's never done anything horrible (cheat, abuse, etc.) I have this "pattern" with men. When we become close, like family, I am not able to be intimate anymore. Yes I was abused. Yes it was by a family member. I haven't told anyone about this but I am not in denial. I just don't see how making this information public will help anything. This site is able to assure anonymity, so I can say what I need to. Please don't attack me and tell me that I am doomed because I am not willing to confront my abuser. I am beyond depressed. I am destroyed. I carry on everyday feeling this emptiness and sadness in my soul. I want to release my husband from this union with me, he shouldn't have to live in a marriage without sex, without intimacy. I want what's best for him, and especially for my babies. I know that no matter what happens he and I will need to cooperatively co-parent for the rest of our lives. So would it be wise to end this before we end up hating one another? I'm not a bad person, but I just don't know what to do. I have been so blessed in my life, I feel guilty that I can't find a way to be happy...

 

Re: What's wrong with me?

Posted by seldomseen on March 18, 2008, at 8:04:05

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Depression is a very insidious disease, one that I certainly have a lot of experience in managing.

I don't think you will be attacked here for not wanting to confront your abuser. I mean - who does? That's a very very personal decision. In fact, I don't think you will be attacked here at all.

I do think there is a lot of merit in reaching out and letting people help you with this.

I think the burden that you carry from the abuse doesn't have to be yours to carry all by yourself. It's a complicated issue that's for sure, but for me, keeping quiet was just as damaging as the abuse itself. I learned that there is a big difference between getting help and going public.

I've never confronted my abusers, but the shame and fear they left me with is not mine to carry anymore.

Have you considered therapy and/or medication as a possible mechanism for relief? Do you think it would fit for you?

How do you think your husband would react if you told him?

It seems as though you are way ahead of the curve already in that you recognize a pattern in your behavior and have identified the trauma that is mostly likely causing it.

I see a lot of hope in your situation. I also really respect your desire for change on your own terms and in your own time frame.

Peace to you
Seldom

 

Re: What's wrong with me?

Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 18, 2008, at 10:54:17

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

> I am so tired of being hopeless. Don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal. I am glad to hear that.

I am a mother and that, above all, keeps me fighting everyday to find a way to make things better. I would never leave my babies. I am living in a loveless marriage.

I did that for 31 years (he was abusive; I finally got the courage to get a divorce) .

My husband is more like a roommate. We get along fine, but I have no desire to be intimate with him. We have had our issues, but he's a good man. He's never done anything horrible (cheat, abuse, etc.) I have this "pattern" with men. When we become close, like family, I am not able to be intimate anymore. Yes I was abused. Yes it was by a family member. I haven't told anyone about this but I am not in denial.

I just don't see how making this information public will help anything.

What do you mean by "making this information public?" To whom?

This site is able to assure anonymity, so I can say what I need to. Please don't attack me

I can't imagine anyone would attack you, sweetie.

and tell me that I am doomed because I am not willing to confront my abuser. I am beyond depressed. I am destroyed. I carry on everyday feeling this emptiness and sadness in my soul.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? Getting a good therapist can go a long way in beginning to untangle your emotions.

I want to release my husband from this union with me, he shouldn't have to live in a marriage without sex, without intimacy.

How does he feel about how you are living? Don't do anything, without talking to him.

I want what's best for him, and especially for my babies. I know that no matter what happens he and I will need to cooperatively co-parent for the rest of our lives. So would it be wise to end this before we end up hating one another?

Why would you hate each other?

I'm not a bad person, but I just don't know what to do. I have been so blessed in my life, I feel guilty that I can't find a way to be happy...

I would think the best thing you could do is (repeating myself) get into therapy to figure out all of these feelings and how to cope with everything that is going on.

There is nothing "wrong" with you except, if I read it correctly you were abused by a family member.

Things like that just don't go away or disappear (ever); until you can open up and express how you feel as to what was done to you; the pain will always be there

That happened to me, and 40 years later it has not been forgotten.

It changes you forever....BUT, there are ways to deal with it (healthy, as it therapy), but not throwing away your whole life because you feel so terrible, sweetie>

First things first: Get a good therapist specifically trained in sexual abuse/molestation (sorry, don't know exactly what happened, and don't need to)....that is a good start in getting help for yourself.......you may see things in a new light, and realize getting rid of a great husband is not the answer...for you....or your children. You are just so down and sad...I know.

The incidence of being sexually abused (for girls) is very high; something like 1 in 3.

Love, Francesca

>

 

Re: What's wrong with me?

Posted by Phillipa on March 18, 2008, at 13:17:08

In reply to Re: What's wrong with me?, posted by sassyfrancesca on March 18, 2008, at 10:54:17

I agree with the others that getting it out in the open may be healing for you and talking with your husband. Best of luck to you and agree a therapist trained in sexual issues may help. Phillipa

 

Re: What's wrong with me? » Kahlee

Posted by Kath on March 18, 2008, at 13:21:10

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

>I haven't told anyone about this but I am not in denial. I just don't see how making this information public will help anything


((((((((((((((you)))))))))))

That's WAY to big of a burden to keep inside, dear Kahlee. Have you ever had a counsellor or therapist? If you are near a big city, they often have crisis centres for women, specifically. I urge you to get a phone # & call or go to one. They will be VERY supportive of you.

I think it would be very helpful for you to be able to talk with someone about it.

FORGET about the confronting the abuser thing. Don't ever THINK about that! That would be huge & you do NOT need to do that. It's my belief that you don't need to do that to heal. That's been my own personal experience anyway.

I'm glad you're here & felt safe enough to tell us.

I hope you let us know how you are. We're here for you.

luv, Kath

PS please feel free to 'babblemail' me if you want.

 

Re: What's wrong with me? » Kahlee

Posted by Kath on March 18, 2008, at 13:25:45

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

The others have given very good comments.

I mentioned the women's crisis centre as a first step. I totally agree with the other replies.

:-) Kath

 

Re: What's wrong with me?

Posted by rskontos on March 18, 2008, at 13:50:39

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

Kathlee, I totally understand how you feel. You will find there are many here that do. Taking care of yourself is the primary objective for you, doing that I think you are on the way. I certainly hope no one here would attack you. And as for confronting your attacker is only for you to decide if and when. No one else can tell you you need to do that. But, I do think telling your story if and when you decide does help release it from your soul, spirit or inner self. That is how I perceive it. Go slowly and decide what is best for you, but it is not a burden you must carry alone. Let us know how we can help.

rsk

 

Lou's reply to Kathlee-lstshp » Kahlee

Posted by Lou Pilder on March 18, 2008, at 22:35:21

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

> I am so tired of being hopeless. Don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal. I am a mother and that, above all, keeps me fighting everyday to find a way to make things better. I would never leave my babies. I am living in a loveless marriage. My husband is more like a roommate. We get along fine, but I have no desire to be intimate with him. We have had our issues, but he's a good man. He's never done anything horrible (cheat, abuse, etc.) I have this "pattern" with men. When we become close, like family, I am not able to be intimate anymore. Yes I was abused. Yes it was by a family member. I haven't told anyone about this but I am not in denial. I just don't see how making this information public will help anything. This site is able to assure anonymity, so I can say what I need to. Please don't attack me and tell me that I am doomed because I am not willing to confront my abuser. I am beyond depressed. I am destroyed. I carry on everyday feeling this emptiness and sadness in my soul. I want to release my husband from this union with me, he shouldn't have to live in a marriage without sex, without intimacy. I want what's best for him, and especially for my babies. I know that no matter what happens he and I will need to cooperatively co-parent for the rest of our lives. So would it be wise to end this before we end up hating one another? I'm not a bad person, but I just don't know what to do. I have been so blessed in my life, I feel guilty that I can't find a way to be happy...
>
Kathlee,
You wrote,[...hopeless...loveless marriage...not willing to confront my...destroyed...emptiness and sadness in my soul...end this marriage?...feel guilty...]
The picture that I see in your post is of a cloudy darkness above a raging sea with troubled waves tossing and crashing onto the shore. I see you standing on the sand in the darkness of despair, without hope, without joy and without peace. I see that you are lost.
In your post I see that you are troubled as to what you are to do. I see in your post that you are wanting to stop the raging sea and have the waters be calm and still and that the darkness could be dispelled by light and that you could find your Way back from being lost.
But how can the raging sea be calmed and to whom can the light be given to dispell the darkness? If someone is lost, how can they be found?
Lou

 

Re: What's wrong with me?

Posted by honeybees on March 18, 2008, at 23:40:21

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

kahlee,

i wish i could reach through the screen and give you a hug. never blame only yourself, it takes two to make a marriage work, just be realistic. i was with a man for 8 years, two of which were sexless. and during those two years, i found other men to be with when i should have just let him go. i have since come clean with him and am battling my own demons... but i know this much, i am worthy of a loving partner who i feel alive with and SO do YOU.

follow your heart and know that you are never alone,

best of luck

 

Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng

Posted by Lou Pilder on March 19, 2008, at 7:03:29

In reply to Lou's reply to Kathlee-lstshp » Kahlee, posted by Lou Pilder on March 18, 2008, at 22:35:21

> > I am so tired of being hopeless. Don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal. I am a mother and that, above all, keeps me fighting everyday to find a way to make things better. I would never leave my babies. I am living in a loveless marriage. My husband is more like a roommate. We get along fine, but I have no desire to be intimate with him. We have had our issues, but he's a good man. He's never done anything horrible (cheat, abuse, etc.) I have this "pattern" with men. When we become close, like family, I am not able to be intimate anymore. Yes I was abused. Yes it was by a family member. I haven't told anyone about this but I am not in denial. I just don't see how making this information public will help anything. This site is able to assure anonymity, so I can say what I need to. Please don't attack me and tell me that I am doomed because I am not willing to confront my abuser. I am beyond depressed. I am destroyed. I carry on everyday feeling this emptiness and sadness in my soul. I want to release my husband from this union with me, he shouldn't have to live in a marriage without sex, without intimacy. I want what's best for him, and especially for my babies. I know that no matter what happens he and I will need to cooperatively co-parent for the rest of our lives. So would it be wise to end this before we end up hating one another? I'm not a bad person, but I just don't know what to do. I have been so blessed in my life, I feel guilty that I can't find a way to be happy...
> >
> Kathlee,
> You wrote,[...hopeless...loveless marriage...not willing to confront my...destroyed...emptiness and sadness in my soul...end this marriage?...feel guilty...]
> The picture that I see in your post is of a cloudy darkness above a raging sea with troubled waves tossing and crashing onto the shore. I see you standing on the sand in the darkness of despair, without hope, without joy and without peace. I see that you are lost.
> In your post I see that you are troubled as to what you are to do. I see in your post that you are wanting to stop the raging sea and have the waters be calm and still and that the darkness could be dispelled by light and that you could find your Way back from being lost.
> But how can the raging sea be calmed and to whom can the light be given to dispell the darkness? If someone is lost, how can they be found?
> Lou

Kathlee,
You wrote,[...too find a way...hopeless...beyond depressed...destroyed...]
When I read that I think of one that is lost, for they are seeking to find.
It has been revealed to me that at one time in our lives we are all lost and are in the wilderness of hopelessness and depression. But to where are we seeking to go? And how could we find the way so that we could be in the Light of Life to be brought out of the darkness of depression and be given the spirit of hope for the dispair of hopelessness?
It has been revealed to me that there are waters to drink that could give you beauty for ashes, and joy for mourning, and praise for the spirit of depression and instead of any shame you will have honor, and instead of any confusion you could have everlasting joy and be given a new name to sing a new song.
Lou

 

Re: Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng » Lou Pilder

Posted by Phillipa on March 19, 2008, at 18:52:01

In reply to Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng, posted by Lou Pilder on March 19, 2008, at 7:03:29

Lou you writing is exquisive and touching. Phillipa

 

Re: What's wrong with me? » Kahlee

Posted by Poet on March 19, 2008, at 19:51:46

In reply to What's wrong with me?, posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

Hi Kahlee,

I was also abused by a family member and after over five years of therapy have barely talked about it. My T knows what happened and leaves it to me to want to talk about which I don't.

I don't think I will ever confront my abuser. I told my T that I don't think my family would believe me and would take his side. It happened over 40 years ago and I don't think confronting him at this late time would do any good for me emotionally. So I understand your not wanting to confront your abuser.

I completely understand your issues with intimacy, too. My husband makes comments on how long it's been since we've had sex and does not know about my childhood sexual abuse. He think I was bullied which is true, but it was much more than just threats and emotional abuse.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, you are like me and have things from your past that get in the way of the present.

Poet


 

Re: What's wrong with me? » Poet

Posted by kahlee on March 19, 2008, at 20:03:47

In reply to Re: What's wrong with me? » Kahlee, posted by Poet on March 19, 2008, at 19:51:46

Poet,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It gives me hope and makes me feel less isolated to know that others have similar situations and experiences. You told me to "follow my heart", which I believe should be the way that everyone lives their life. The problem is that I have lost trust in myself. I never know if what I think or feel is rational, therefore, can I trust it? I am constantly battling with myself. Does that make sense? With regard to my husband, for example, I never know if there's a valid reason for me to feel so disconnected , or if it's just all me, my past, my issues, etc. rearing up again.

Kahlee

 

Re: Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng » Lou Pilder

Posted by kahlee on March 19, 2008, at 21:21:04

In reply to Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng, posted by Lou Pilder on March 19, 2008, at 7:03:29

Lou,
The imagery you talk about is like what I see in my dreams. All I want is peace. Sometimes I just think that this is how things are supposed to be. That all of these experiences are learning experiences, teaching me lessons that I will need in my next life / afterlife etc. I'm trying so deperately to find meaning and validation for the pain that I feel, that I have felt for more than 20 years. I see the beauty in my life, the blessings. Somehow, it makes me feel guilty that I have been given so much but yet I am still so unbelieveably sad and empty. How can I feel empty when I have two amazing, beautiful children? They are my joy, and I feel like by not being happy in my life, I'm somehow disrespecting the gifts I have been given... thus, more guilt. I just don't know.

 

Glad to see you here again... » kahlee

Posted by Kath on March 20, 2008, at 16:17:39

In reply to Re: Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng » Lou Pilder, posted by kahlee on March 19, 2008, at 21:21:04

I am sorry you're in such pain.

I've found that having a therapist has helped me sort out my feelings. And I've learned that 'feelings are feelings' - they're neither good nor bad.

I also do a lot of 'alternative' stuff. I'm attaching a link to a video of someone demonstrating a certain way to release trauma. Over the past 2 or so very stressful years in my life, these alternative methods have (I believe) helped me keep from losing it altogether.

I'm including this just in case you want to try it. It take 4 minutes & is free - not to much of an investment to try something out.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KRXdQNA3aEk

I'm so glad you have your lovely children & I ALSO can relate to how you feel about sort of 'counting your blessings'.

All the best, Kath

 

Lou's reply to Kathlee-wtrvlif » kahlee

Posted by Lou Pilder on March 20, 2008, at 20:40:47

In reply to Re: Lou's reply to Kathlee-anwsng » Lou Pilder, posted by kahlee on March 19, 2008, at 21:21:04

> Lou,
> The imagery you talk about is like what I see in my dreams. All I want is peace. Sometimes I just think that this is how things are supposed to be. That all of these experiences are learning experiences, teaching me lessons that I will need in my next life / afterlife etc. I'm trying so deperately to find meaning and validation for the pain that I feel, that I have felt for more than 20 years. I see the beauty in my life, the blessings. Somehow, it makes me feel guilty that I have been given so much but yet I am still so unbelieveably sad and empty. How can I feel empty when I have two amazing, beautiful children? They are my joy, and I feel like by not being happy in my life, I'm somehow disrespecting the gifts I have been given... thus, more guilt. I just don't know.

Kathlee,
You wrote,[...All I want is peace...to find meaning...sad an angry...just don't know...].
As I see in your writing, I see a wilderness, a desert, a wildernes an desert of the spirit that have made you thirsty.
What I have been writing here about is peace, but not as the world gives. It has been revealed to me that there is a peace that goes beyond understanding and that this peace comes from above and is given to those that, like yourself, thirsts to find a way out from sadness and anger.
This peace is without price.
It has been revealed to me that peace can be found in the rain, for there are the waters of Life.
The rain comes down from heaven and does not return there but waters the earth. There is a living rain that comes doen from heaven and waters the spirit of those that thirst for peace.
Lou


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