Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 817642

Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Monday

Posted by crushedout on March 12, 2008, at 22:50:30


Sorry it took me so long to post about Monday. I guess the bottom line is I'm doing well, and coping. Not necessarily in the most ideal ways but it's ok.

It's hard to explain what happened. I think waiting a week to talk to her was very destructive because I had convinced myself so well that I hated her that none of her apologies seemed genuine to me. It's possible they were, or they weren't, but I can't tell because I've already decided she s*cks.

She basically said she didn't mean to be hurtful, which I said I'm not sure I believe. What makes this hard for me to believe is that she had a week to process my disclosure before she lashed out at me. She admitted to citing my problems "flippantly" and apologized for that (I felt not wholeheartedly enough). She said she thinks maybe it's because I brought up her kids and she became like a "mother bears with her cubs." I feel like this undermines her statement that she didn't mean to hurt me. This hurts me, just hearing this. I keep hearing that line over and over in my head.

How was I a threat to her cubs anyway?

She wanted me to agree to come in for "x number" more sessions at least but I refused to commit, saying I had to think about it. She said she didn't think I should just leave her feeling mistreated, and go away fantasizing about getting back at her. I told her bitterly not to worry that I would never even consider filing any sort of complaint against her or suing her (she once expressed a fear of this from me). She said that she was concerned about *me*--not about that. I said, "BS." She said, "see now you don't trust me anymore." and I said, "Precisely!"

then i left.

there was more but let me just start by posting that.

 

Re: Monday

Posted by annierose on March 13, 2008, at 6:41:45

In reply to Monday, posted by crushedout on March 12, 2008, at 22:50:30

I've gotten the impression from all your posts about this incident that you really appreciated everyone "rallies" against your therapist.

I've taken the position that this is an excellent opportunity to work on your stuff.

You mentioned in the above thread several things you did in a week - quit your job (and I forget the rest). They all were example of walking away from things.

Maybe this is the place to understand what happends to "crushed" when someone hurts her feelings. Your t isn't turning you away. People (including therapists) make mistakes - big and small. And I think it's worth figuring out what happens to you in these situations.

I can see why finding out things about her personal life - her children especially - got her on the offense. She did apologize for her over-reaction.

Therapy is learning and finding out about ways we interact with others. I hope you take her up on her offer.

 

Re: Monday » crushedout

Posted by seldomseen on March 13, 2008, at 7:42:38

In reply to Monday, posted by crushedout on March 12, 2008, at 22:50:30

I'm with Annierose on this end, I say stick it out for at least a few more sessions and see if you can work this out with her

I think I now understand the reversal of her stance if you found out something about her kids

While you may know that it was innocuous, she may not have understood it and got her hackles up

No excuse for her treating your problems flippantly, but she did apologize

I've learned through years in my therapy that I will never find a relationship that is free from hurt - that's impossible - the hurt is inevitable

People are people

The key is learning to tolerate the hurt and working through it, while still valuing the relationship

It's hard to do, but worth the effort in the end

 

Re: Monday

Posted by raisinb on March 13, 2008, at 9:22:09

In reply to Monday, posted by crushedout on March 12, 2008, at 22:50:30

This is a tough decision. I can't tell you the right thing to do. There have been so many times when my T (in my opinion) let her personal issues interfere with our sessions, and I stuck it out and let the trust and love I felt for her reappear.

But it's been three years and I *still* am not 100% sure I made the right decision.

I guess my gut agrees with the other posters, though. If you give her several more sessions and the trust doesn't reappear, and this incident keeps poisoning your work together, then you'll have a clearer idea of the correct course of action.

I, too, tend to walk away from things when they get scary or hard. It's hard to let go of the idea that a relationship or person should be perfect.

On the other hand, I think that Ts (and others) often use the defense "you want me to be perfect!" or "human are flawed and you must learn that" as a *defense* against seeing the validity in a client's criticisms.

I think only time will tell.

 

thanks to everyone

Posted by crushedout on March 13, 2008, at 11:37:21

In reply to Re: Monday, posted by raisinb on March 13, 2008, at 9:22:09


I'm leaning in the same direction, that it will be a good thing for me therapeutically to at least try to work this out with her, especially since she wants to.

I have walked away from people and jobs that haven't been good for me. I've also stuck it out with people and jobs way longer than I should have. It's often hard to know where that line is.

This therapist, though, has generally been very professional and caring. And she did apologize, however lamely. So, I think this may be one of those situations where forgiveness and reconciliation are really possible.

She really messed up, though. I feel like she's going to have to be a very, very good therapist to contain all the anger I'm about to spew at her without losing her cool again.

 

Re: Monday » annierose

Posted by crushedout on March 13, 2008, at 12:09:35

In reply to Re: Monday, posted by annierose on March 13, 2008, at 6:41:45


Thanks, annierose, for your honesty. I know you are telling me things you know I don't necessarily want to hear, so it's hard. But it's good for me to hear them.

Couple things happened over the week: one was that she didn't apologize right away--I think if she had I wouldn't have built up so much anger at her. Second, Abby's story scared me (her T terminated her) and I wanted to decide to reject her first. I guess I'm scared of abandonment.

I think there was a third thing, too, but now I can't remember what it was. Anyway, yes, this is a good learning experience for me. But as you'll recall, my last T was one I had to leave without processing it with her, because she wasn't safe.

Sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. How many chances you give a person. You know?

 

Re: Monday » crushedout

Posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2008, at 13:01:37

In reply to Re: Monday » annierose, posted by crushedout on March 13, 2008, at 12:09:35

How well I know as trust is so important and I too run away in fear. Love Phillipa


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