Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 816442

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Homework Help Needed

Posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

I have really hard homework. I need cliff notes.

The discussion today was about how hard it still is for me to hold on to the connection I have with my therapist. We talked about lots of things but I found the conversation really hard to stay with - the room was spinning and my mind kept closing down. He said this means we are touching a very deep need - and something I'm terrified of. I talked about my fear of losing him somehow and he said I put a lot of pressure on myself with this fear, because I then critic everything I do in therapy - did I say the right thing, am I going too slow with the work, am I working hard enough? He is right.

But I defended myself by saying that the need I feel for him is so enormous that if I don't monitor it constantly it will swallow him up. He shook his head. And then asked the homework question: "What would it look like if I could meet your need for me?" I couldn't answer. He said, "in fantasy - would you call 1000 times a day? Would I be sitting in your office, ready to soothe any upset? What would it look like to take care of it 100%?" I still couldn't answer. I tried to explain that I can't let go of the should and should not wants, or of the reality of the "rules" of therapy. I couldn't even play with it. But still - he wants me to think about it.

The best I could come up with was that there are times when I want to just wrap myself around his knee and cling to him all day, like a small child. He said he'd be fine with that except that it would be kind of difficult to walk to the waiting room like that. :)

I was trying to write it out, but decided to procrastinate and post instead. I'm not sure if I'm looking for fantasy ideas or real ones. I'll take either. Thanks for helping.

 

I dunno, but... » DAisym

Posted by Racer on March 5, 2008, at 21:43:52

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

I have similar-but-different issues. You know that for years if I called my T, we'd then have to have a "was it OK for me to call? when is it OK for me to call?" session. And there was history at other {ahem} sources of therapy that led to this...

What I've found is that I freak out if I wonder whether I can call. And if I'm told to call and check in -- I don't feel the need. My guess is that I feel a more secure attachment, so I don't have that insecurity of wondering if anyone is there when I reach out.

I don't know. What I know is that the stuff above is still hitting me hard, so I'm not making all that much sense... But I suspect that you might have something of what I've got -- that fear that, if you reach out, you'll be told that you're too needy, that you should be able to take care of yourself, etc. Maybe meditate on what it would feel like if you were supposed to call him twice a day? What would that feel like for you? Maybe that's a starting place.

 

Re: I dunno, but... » Racer

Posted by Daisym on March 5, 2008, at 22:15:58

In reply to I dunno, but... » DAisym, posted by Racer on March 5, 2008, at 21:43:52

One of the things I came up with today was that I was mad at him because he couldn't just make me feel better. BUT - if he gave me a list of things that he thought I should do in order to feel better, I'd read the list and either decide he really doesn't like me or I'd resent being told what to do - kind of like, "did you think *I* didn't think of that?!" He can't win.

I've been thinking about this (and not paying attention at a board meeting) - maybe it is still about reassurance. Kind of like an old married couple who show each other that they care but they don't say it anymore. I think everyone begins to doubt if they don't actually hear what is going on in the other person's head. So he thinks I know it is OK to need him, and I begin to think that since he doesn't say, "call me" - I shouldn't need to anymore!

I think if I was "supposed" to call, it would be a whole different story. I'm good at doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm scared of needing or wanting something from someone that I'm not sure I'm allowed to have or how much of it is my share.

Aren't we a pair?


 

Re: Homework Help Needed » DAisym

Posted by earthmama on March 5, 2008, at 22:34:49

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

Oh WOW, can I relate to this.

It's such a deep, deep need and a deep, deep fear for me....and it just goes around and around and around. I'll have these flashes of feeling safe, cared for, like I'm not going to be abandoned or told I'm too needy or I need to go away, and it feels so good, but then the fear and the feeling of disconnection comes back. He asks the same thing your therapist asks "what would it look like if..."

I was talking about this with him in therapy last Friday, and I was telling him I need reassurance, but that didn't feel like "it" to me. And then I had the gut-wrenching realization that I need something he can't give me...to go back 38 years, and to start over with parents who will love, nurture, and cherish me. I actually told him that ("I need something you can't give me") and it was just such a powerful realization. He kind of gasped and we just sat there and stared at each other for a minute.

I don't know if that's helpful at all....I really understand what you're feeling, and it's such a hard and familiar place to be.

 

Re: Homework Help Needed » DAisym

Posted by sunnydays on March 5, 2008, at 22:53:46

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

Are you my twin? After getting completely flooded with grief and panic when I thought my T had to reschedule my appointment, I have been having a hard time bouncing back - it's been over a day now. But my T is being great, and his emails back to my panicked ones have been very reassuring - I can't believe I asked him if he was going to get fired or divorced - and that he answered!

That IS a hard question, and I'm quite sure that I would be very uncomfortable and might dissociate a little if my T were to ask me that. I think that it's almost unanswerable for me, because the 'should's', etc, and the realistic part of me is too strong. On the one hand, if I could call him whenever I wanted and he would answer and soothe me, or if I could live with him or visit his house or something, but then part of me says, "No, you don't really want that, sunnydays, you wouldn't probably like that very much. It's fine just the way it is."

Sorry I can't offer more. That is a really tough question. I vote for telling your T it's a trick question!

(((Daisy)))

sunnydays

 

One thing I do know... » Daisym

Posted by Racer on March 6, 2008, at 0:13:43

In reply to Re: I dunno, but... » Racer, posted by Daisym on March 5, 2008, at 22:15:58

> Aren't we a pair?
>

I'm honored to have anything at all in common with you -- you are a truly tremendous person.

 

Re: Homework Help Needed

Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 6, 2008, at 8:23:54

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

> I SO resonate with what you (and the others have said.)

Unfortunately, I have been in love with my t for over five years (too long to go into here).

Unfortunately (LOL) his last comment: "If I were not married, I would probably go for it."....

Complicates our relationship.

I have really hard homework. I need cliff notes.
>
> The discussion today was about how hard it still is for me to hold on to the connection I have with my therapist. We talked about lots of things but I found the conversation really hard to stay with - the room was spinning and my mind kept closing down. He said this means we are touching a very deep need

he sounds very in touch with himself...and you!

- and something I'm terrified of. Yes, I understand that fear.

I talked about my fear of losing him somehow and he said I put a lot of pressure on myself with this fear, because I then critic everything I do in therapy - did I say the right thing, am I going too slow with the work, am I working hard enough? He is right.

Yes, you want to do everything "right" so he will care about you, and not leave you (fear of abandonment).


>
> But I defended myself by saying that the need I feel for him is so enormous that if I don't monitor it constantly it will swallow him up.

You don't have to worry about HIM being swallowed up, sweetie.

He shook his head. And then asked the homework question:

Wonderful question.

"What would it look like if I could meet your need for me?" I couldn't answer. He said, "in fantasy - would you call 1000 times a day? Would I be sitting in your office, ready to soothe any upset? What would it look like to take care of it 100%?" I still couldn't answer.

It felt scary.

I tried to explain that I can't let go of the should and should not wants, or of the reality of the "rules" of therapy.

Feelings are facts, they aren't right or wrong.

I couldn't even play with it. But still - he wants me to think about it.
>
> The best I could come up with was that there are times when I want to just wrap myself around his knee and cling to him all day, like a small child.

Good for you for being authentic.

He said he'd be fine with that except that it would be kind of difficult to walk to the waiting room like that. :)

He sounds wonderful.
>
> I was trying to write it out, but decided to procrastinate and post instead. I'm not sure if I'm looking for fantasy ideas or real ones. I'll take either. Thanks for helping.

Just write down exactly what you feel and think. That is all you can do (any of us), is to be authentic with ourselves and others....asssuming of course....they are SAFE people.

Love and hugs.....you are a dear.

Sassy

 

Re: Homework Help Needed(possible triggery) » DAisym

Posted by rskontos on March 6, 2008, at 10:22:14

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

Daisym,

I just back from therapy when i read this. My last session in a trace I wrote two pages of no crying over and over again before therapy while I waiting for him to finish up with previous client. When I was telling him a bad flashback and how I felt, I said no crying over and over, he asked me why can't you cry, I couldn't answer. Today I had a sort of answer. It goes back to the long rooted question that your t asked you too. Why is it hard to cry and have no connection. Because underneath it all, I did not want to cry because I did not want there to be a reason to cry, anymore than I wanted to be in therapy or need my therapist to take the place of my parents. The ones that left me alone and did not leave me alone you know what i mean, without spelling it out. Like earthmama said to go back 38 years and erase it. I said I don't think I ever cried before and if I start I might not stop for a long time. I never had connections with people before either and if I start now I might cling too hard to someone and not stop.

So I understand how you feel. God this therapy thing is so hard to make sense of. It pulls and pushes in ways I never thought possible. And it hurts too, doesn't it. I don't fantasy about it really. Maybe that is hard too.

Well your post really got me to thinking and it is a deep issue. Connections are tough issues. Maybe maintaing a connection with your t would mean that after a time you would be expected to try it outside of therapy IRL and that is the really terrifying situations. Inside therapy it is so much safer. Outside, not so much. I think of therapy as the learning grounds, training wheels so to speak. If we master everything there, are our t's going to expect us to go solo, IRL. That is the part I think is scary. Could this be part of what might be something for you?

I don't like I said, therapy is a big confusing issue for me at so many levels.

If this sounds rambling I am sorry, I always come back from therapy feeling jumbly. Is jumbly a word I am not sure. If this post means nothing to you just overlook it. and accept my apologizes.

If I locate some cliff notes, I will overnight them to you.

rsk

 

Re: Homework Help Needed » DAisym

Posted by raisinb on March 6, 2008, at 12:56:13

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

That IS tough. It would be tough for me, too, becaus I find so often that what I think and fantasize I need isn't always necessary--or even might not be what I *really* want.

For instance, I've fantasized forever about my T holding me. But when I'm in there and she says something very gentle and kind and her voice is in the right register, I don't need her to touch me.

To make it more complicated, sometimes I'm in a session and I think--what if she actually *did* move over here and give me a hug? Yikes! I'd freak out!

I've also had the experience of feeling terrified and conflicted over calling--only to have everything disappear--even the need *to* call--when she says, "please call if you need to." So I didn't need to call--I needed to know she was there if I needed her, which is slightly different.

I think it's very difficult, if you've never been taught to think your needs are ok and to ask to get them met, to even know, realistically, what they *are.* So I'd have a pretty difficult time doing what your T asked you to do.

Kind of a ramble, but I hope it makes some sense.

 

Re: Homework Help Needed

Posted by ladybugsmom on March 6, 2008, at 19:04:23

In reply to Homework Help Needed, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56

I am not really sure that I have much to add but I just wanted to let you know that I often print out your posts and take them to my therapy sessions and tell him "this is what I have been trying to come up with the words to say but haven't been able to find the right ones". Your posts scare me sometimes because your thoughts are so similar to mine!!


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