Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 816619

Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Feeling ready to quit

Posted by crushedout on March 6, 2008, at 17:54:18


I am thinking I will go in on Monday, and maybe even go in for a few more sessions, but I'm really feeling like I'm done with therapy now. Something about this last incident tipped me over the edge. Or something in me is shifting--maybe this just made me realize it.

I feel like I need to move on from therapy.

I'm worried that this is just very effective "sour grapes" mentality working but I also worry that it's really true and I haven't been listening to it for a long time.

Anyway, something about this experience HAS been good for me. I've felt strong, and reached out to lots of people: babble, for example, and family, like crazy. The thing with my aunt (which going well, btw--she is waking up) has brought us closer so that's part of it.

It's weird feeling ready to quit therapy. I think I feel ready. I imagine I'll be very sad, but I'll get over it quickly.

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit

Posted by Abby Cunningham on March 6, 2008, at 18:24:15

In reply to Feeling ready to quit, posted by crushedout on March 6, 2008, at 17:54:18

crushedout, I am following your posts but always a step behind!

Read above under both your postings. I had a similar situation and before I could quit (told her I was seriously thinking of it), she terminated me! This just happened yesterday and I am sick over it but she also had big issues in her life which had nothing to do with me.

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit

Posted by annierose on March 6, 2008, at 20:16:23

In reply to Feeling ready to quit, posted by crushedout on March 6, 2008, at 17:54:18

>>>I imagine I'll be very sad, but I'll get over it quickly<<<

Do you really believe that to be true?

You have invested a great deal of time in this relationship. And it's a special type of relationship, someone whom you shared the emotional part of your life.

I don't know. I hope you give yourself time to sort through your anger and disappointment at how she handled this situation.

It sounds like you still haven't spoken to her since this happened. I know from my therapy, when I leave therapy so angry, feeling like I want to quit, the next session is often illuminating. A lot of good work can happen in repairing a relationship.

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit annierose

Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2008, at 22:11:00

In reply to Re: Feeling ready to quit, posted by annierose on March 6, 2008, at 20:16:23

Really I seem to get mixed messages from mine. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit

Posted by coral on March 7, 2008, at 8:36:02

In reply to Re: Feeling ready to quit, posted by Abby Cunningham on March 6, 2008, at 18:24:15

She terminated you? Were you ready for that move? If not, did she offer to transfer you?

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit

Posted by Abby Cunningham on March 7, 2008, at 9:48:43

In reply to Re: Feeling ready to quit, posted by coral on March 7, 2008, at 8:36:02

> She terminated you? Were you ready for that move? If not, did she offer to transfer you?

Coral, no I was not ready! In fact I had finished working through the anger I felt toward her behavior since we had gotten along quite well for the past year, and was ready to move on. It was a hurtful shock.

No, she did not offer to transfer me. She was cold and seemed uncaring in her demeanor. She mentioned vaguely that one of her colleagues "might" be willing to see me but didn't know....etc. Not anything I was paying close attention to. From my understanding this was not ethical and she certainly did not prepare me in any way.

 

crushedout, sorry did not mean to hijack thread (nm) crushedout

Posted by Abby Cunningham on March 7, 2008, at 9:51:14

In reply to Feeling ready to quit, posted by crushedout on March 6, 2008, at 17:54:18

 

Re: crushedout, sorry did not mean to hijack threa Abby Cunningham

Posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 11:30:39

In reply to crushedout, sorry did not mean to hijack thread (nm) crushedout, posted by Abby Cunningham on March 7, 2008, at 9:51:14

not a problem. it's helping me prepare for that possibility in my mind. i don't think she will behave THAT unprofessionally--i really hope not.

and i'm truly sorry for what you've had to go through. it sounds absolutely awful. i can easily imagine your shock and hurt.

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit annierose

Posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 12:29:58

In reply to Re: Feeling ready to quit, posted by annierose on March 6, 2008, at 20:16:23

I really do believe that. I could be deluding myself, though, I suppose. Or maybe on the surface, I get over things like this quickly, when I decide I want to, but deep down they stay with me for a very long time.

I don't know. When my last cat died, whom I loved very, very much, I got over it immediately. I did all my grieving in advance. But I still miss him. I guess that's a different situation.

With this relationship, I am so quickly convincing myself that the whole thing has been a sham, and that she hasn't really known me at all, so I am just happy to cut bait as soon as I can, even if it's way later than I should have.

But you make excellent points. I have shared a lot with her, and I know it's going to be a big loss. Ignoring that will do me little good.

Thanks for posting. You are right that we haven't spoken yet. I sent her that one brief email, and as I'd hoped, she has not replied (she normally doesn't).

I'm pretty sure I will go in on Monday, but I don't feel happy about it. I'm really scared, to be honest. If she doesn't behave professionally, I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I could bring a friend or something to protect me. That's how scared I feel of her.

> >>>I imagine I'll be very sad, but I'll get over it quickly<<<
>
> Do you really believe that to be true?
>
> You have invested a great deal of time in this relationship. And it's a special type of relationship, someone whom you shared the emotional part of your life.
>
> I don't know. I hope you give yourself time to sort through your anger and disappointment at how she handled this situation.
>
> It sounds like you still haven't spoken to her since this happened. I know from my therapy, when I leave therapy so angry, feeling like I want to quit, the next session is often illuminating. A lot of good work can happen in repairing a relationship.

 

Re: Feeling ready to quit

Posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 12:40:16

In reply to Re: Feeling ready to quit annierose, posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 12:29:58


Now I'm thinking I really shouldn't go in on Monday. Why put myself through it? I have lost trust that she will be a safe person.

I don't want to put myself in a dangerous situation. Maybe a phone call would make more sense. Or just a break, till I think I can handle going back and at least wrapping things up.

 

more steam

Posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 13:22:18

In reply to Re: Feeling ready to quit, posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 12:40:16


she said, judgmentally, that i "couldn't even hold down a job."

i just ended a four-year job on excellent terms and i don't even want a job and she knows that. i don't know how to convey how stupid this is.

i can't stop getting furious over these things.

 

Re: more steam crushedout

Posted by raisinb on March 7, 2008, at 13:24:34

In reply to more steam, posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 13:22:18

Jesus, that's a terrible thing to say. It sounds like she really went off on you in the most unprofessional way. I'm not sure why she hasn't called you to apologize for this. Did she reply to your email?

 

Re: more steam raisinb

Posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 13:26:59

In reply to Re: more steam crushedout, posted by raisinb on March 7, 2008, at 13:24:34

> Jesus, that's a terrible thing to say. It sounds like she really went off on you in the most unprofessional way. I'm not sure why she hasn't called you to apologize for this. Did she reply to your email?

nope. she never does, though. that's kind of our understanding.

if i call her, and ask her to call me back, i'm sure she would. not sure i'm ready to do that, though.

that is only one example, raisinb. among several. i'm so glad you understand what an awful thing it was to say.

 

an idea crushedout

Posted by raisinb on March 7, 2008, at 13:30:12

In reply to more steam, posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 13:22:18

When I returned to my current T a few months ago, after a good deal of drama, I typed up an "agreement"--things that were guidelines we both could agree to follow--ground rules, sort of.

One of the things on that list was, "If you begin to feel negative feelings towards me that you can't resolve within a reasonable amount of time (I suggested two weeks) I would like you to terminate the relationship immediately. On my end, I'll accept this without argument and I won't attempt to contact you again." She agreed to this and it has always made me feel better. I feel that as a client, I technically shouldn't have to explicitly ask for that commitment, but that it made me feel better to have her agree to it.

If you do go back and repair what has happened, perhaps something of this sort would be in order?

 

Re: an idea raisinb

Posted by Phillipa on March 7, 2008, at 18:42:42

In reply to an idea crushedout, posted by raisinb on March 7, 2008, at 13:30:12

I don't know may be reading the meaning wrong but to me it's the same as being fired with an agreement??? I've been fired by docs and it hurts me. Love Phillipa

 

Re: an idea raisinb

Posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 22:46:30

In reply to an idea crushedout, posted by raisinb on March 7, 2008, at 13:30:12


The whole thing sounds awful to me. I can't be in a relationship with her when I feel like she might terminate me at any moment. But I also feel like I might really be done with therapy for other reasons. Like maybe this happened because it was time to move on, and this will make it easier? Maybe subconsciously she just realized that she couldn't help me, and this is her way of pushing me out the door. (I really don't think it's on a conscious level if that is what's going on.)

I feel like it might be time to invest in my "real life." I need to force myself to do it. I can comfort myself with my therapist, when everybody else lets me down, that she is consistent, that she is reliable, that she doesn't judge me. Or, at least, I *could* do this before (I'm afraid I can't feel that anymore). But I need to stop being dependent on a therapist. Maybe it will force me to find the right partner, or the right career, or whatever it is I'm looking for, because I can't just rely on her. I don't know. It just feels like maybe it's right.

I'm very tempted to cancel Monday's session, just tell her I need a break, time to think things over. Doesn't that seem reasonable?


> When I returned to my current T a few months ago, after a good deal of drama, I typed up an "agreement"--things that were guidelines we both could agree to follow--ground rules, sort of.
>
> One of the things on that list was, "If you begin to feel negative feelings towards me that you can't resolve within a reasonable amount of time (I suggested two weeks) I would like you to terminate the relationship immediately. On my end, I'll accept this without argument and I won't attempt to contact you again." She agreed to this and it has always made me feel better. I feel that as a client, I technically shouldn't have to explicitly ask for that commitment, but that it made me feel better to have her agree to it.
>
> If you do go back and repair what has happened, perhaps something of this sort would be in order?

 

Re: more steam crushedout

Posted by gardenergirl on March 8, 2008, at 0:48:55

In reply to more steam, posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 13:22:18

That's clearly her striking out at you and conveys just how angry she was and off her center. That is never acceptable, and even if she is still angry, she owes you an apology as well as helping you process it. If she is unable to control her feelings about this enough to stay grounded and focused on you, she cannot ethically continue as your T.

What a lousy experience, crushed. I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope at the very least that some silver lining emerges.

Take care,

gg

 

Re: more steam gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on March 8, 2008, at 0:54:38

In reply to Re: more steam crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on March 8, 2008, at 0:48:55

thanks, gg. as a professional yourself, and a patient, your opinion is especially valuable.

i'm just not sure what my next step should be. maybe to call her. probably yes, that would be the best thing to do.

i'm scared to go in cold after what happened last time. but i also don't want to call. argh.

 

Re: an idea crushedout

Posted by raisinb on March 8, 2008, at 8:50:21

In reply to Re: an idea raisinb, posted by crushedout on March 7, 2008, at 22:46:30

Yeah, don't do it if it doesn't make you feel more secure. My worst fear is that my T will continue to see me, even while taking out her own issues on me. Abandonment comes second, but I think I forgot that for many babblers, it comes first.

I have that feeling all the time--that if I just *force* myself to quit therapy, then my real life will get better because I'm *forced* to invest in it more. My T says, "well, it's not like smoking!" and that the reason I formulate it that way is that I'm too hard on myself. But it's hard to say either way.

This sure sucks. Try to take care of yourself and feel better, whether you go to the session or not.

 

Re: an idea raisinb

Posted by crushedout on March 8, 2008, at 11:40:04

In reply to Re: an idea crushedout, posted by raisinb on March 8, 2008, at 8:50:21


Thanks, raisinb. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but because I tend to get so emotionally invested with my therapists (I guess most of us on this board probably do, but not everyone does), I have a feeling that it might be good for me not to have a therapist anymore. Because I don't seem to be able to "work through" any of my transference, learn from it in some useful way, I just don't see what good it does me.

I'm still totally on the fence about whether to cancel Monday. And if I cancel, how to do it.

> Yeah, don't do it if it doesn't make you feel more secure. My worst fear is that my T will continue to see me, even while taking out her own issues on me. Abandonment comes second, but I think I forgot that for many babblers, it comes first.
>
> I have that feeling all the time--that if I just *force* myself to quit therapy, then my real life will get better because I'm *forced* to invest in it more. My T says, "well, it's not like smoking!" and that the reason I formulate it that way is that I'm too hard on myself. But it's hard to say either way.
>
> This sure sucks. Try to take care of yourself and feel better, whether you go to the session or not.


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