Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 816071

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Therapy today hurt me

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:27:11

I have been avoiding babble for reasons I don't want to get into at the moment, but right now I have no where else to turn. My therapist hurt me so badly today.

Last week I confessed to her something that I had found about her on the internet, and despite three years together of us talking about stuff like this (including other stuff I have found about her on the net), I have now apparently crossed some line. But all I did was read stuff in the public domain, on the internet--I did nothing to invade her private privacy. And when I told her about it--last week--she reacted very professionally, focusing on what it meant to me and exploring why I did it.

But today, a week later, she was clearly angry at me, and she accused me of what to me are awful things: not respecting her, violating her privacy, and "bulldozing" her (whatever that means). I can totally understand her urging me to not look up the kinds of stuff I did because it interferes with my therapy but I am so upset with her for not dealing with her own feelings about how it AFFECTS HER on her own. She was practically yelling at me. I don't know how to convince you all but I did nothing wrong. And right after therapy I had to go to the hospital to see my family because my aunt almost died and now is in a coma. I just say that because I don't know how to convey what it's like when your whole world is falling down around you and the one consistent person, the one I see as my lifeline, seems to suddenly turn on you. And then you still have to go back out and face that world.

It feels like the ultimate betrayal. My own freakin' therapist.

I composed an email to her saying, "Can you please let me know when you've cooled off or worked out your feelings or whatever you need to do? because i don't want to waste another two hours round trip and $150 to get yelled at and have my feelings ignored. As you so kindly pointed out to me today [she listed my many "life problems" to me in her anger--not in an empathetic way mind you], i have enough other problems to deal with. thanks, [crushed]"

But i didn't send it. I'm so hurt and angry right now I can't bear it. Who do you turn to when your therapist lets you down?

I know I've been absent, and I have no idea what it is going on with my old babbler friends, and i am sure there are many new babblers who don't know me, but I just have no where else to turn.

please help me.

 

I ended up emailing her

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:35:01

In reply to Therapy today hurt me, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:27:11

Immediately after posting the above. All I wrote was: "I don't think the way you treated me today was fair. And I'm very, very hurt and angry."

I guess that's feels right. I needed to get it off my chest but I did it in a way that still leaves the door open for us working it out.

I guess that will have to suffice for now. I don't expect she will write me back. I really hope she doesn't. I just want her to think hard about how she behaved. Therapists have a very serious responsibility not to let their sh*t interfere with their patients' treatments or lives. We are already too vulnerable, and therapy is a context that makes us that much more vulnerable. First, do no harm.

:(

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me

Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 4, 2008, at 9:18:18

In reply to Therapy today hurt me, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:27:11

Hi, sweetie: That was unconsciounable...........She allowed her feelings to take over her professionalism, and she ABUSED you. She CHOSE to not be objective, and you were injured in the process; yes...that is a terrible feeling when the 1 person you feel you can trust....betrays that trust. She was not....a safe person.

Keep talking and writing; hopefully you can express your thoughts and feelings to her, so she will "get it"---if not, perhaps thinking about getting another t (yes, I know.....no one wants to do that).

Hugs, Francesca

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout

Posted by raisinb on March 4, 2008, at 11:44:42

In reply to Therapy today hurt me, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:27:11

Hi Crushed, all I can say is I'm very sorry. I have had situations with my T in which I felt like she crossed the line and let her own stuff interfere, and the hurt and anger I felt were almost unamanageable.

You're absolutely right that she messed up, and you have every right to be hurt and angry. I also think your email was appropriate (I myself might have sent the first one, frankly, and I might tell her I deserved a refund for the one where she processed her own feelings at the expense of my therapy.)

From what I've heard, your T is a good T overall, and I think you probably have a good chance to work through this. But it sure sucks right now. I hope you can take care of yourself while you get through it.

 

thank you.

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 13:48:46

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout, posted by raisinb on March 4, 2008, at 11:44:42


Thank you so much both of you for your empathy. I will try to work it out with her. I was totally tempted to ask not to be charged.

I basically feel like she owes me a major apology, and if I don't get it, I'm going to probably let her have it (i mean verbally) and then quit therapy. But let's hope it doesn't come to that. Part of me thinks, though, that this therapy thing is just pure garbage anyway, and it's high time I quit and try to "fix" my life some other way.

Your support helps enormously--it really does.

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout

Posted by seldomseen on March 4, 2008, at 15:16:22

In reply to Therapy today hurt me, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:27:11

So, you say she was fine with the "internet spelunking" (my phrase, and I've certainly done it) last week, but changed her mind and was angry about it this week?

I wonder what changed her mind?

I think it is fine for a therapist to set a boundary by saying something like "I feel XXXX, when you do XXXXX and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do it anymore."

That's a professional way of handling it. I wonder why she got so mad over the course of a week?

I would definately ask her what changed.

It also might interest you to know that in the HBO show "in treatment" one of the therapist's clients went WAY overboard into the therapist's private life in one of last week's episode. In fact, I think the therapist may have even used the word "bulldozing" to describe the client's actions at one point. I wonder if the two are related.....

If so, man I would be SOOOOO mad. Dragging personal baggage into therapy is bad enough, dragging baggage from a television show? Well, that's egregious.

Seldom.

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » seldomseen

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 15:25:13

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout, posted by seldomseen on March 4, 2008, at 15:16:22


Wow, that's weird. Because the word "bulldozing" definitely made no sense. I kind of just said "bulldozing?" and looked at her quizically. How messed up that is if the TV show got her all mad and she thought I was like that patient?

What did that patient do? Something worse than what I did, I imagine. Since what I did seems totally normal and ethical and legal (and I take such things VERY seriously).

You are right: I am going to ask her what happened during that week--I'm sure she won't tell me though. I have a feeling it's time to end this relationship, and I really wasn't ready for that, and I have to say it breaks by f*cking heart if i really allow myself to realize it. But she isn't helping me.

Thank you so much for posting.

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout

Posted by DAisym on March 4, 2008, at 19:39:36

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » seldomseen, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 15:25:13

Hear me saying this as gently as possible:

Therapists are human too. They blow it sometimes.

I know that doesn't help right now, but try to hang on to all the times when she has helped you and was professional. Something triggered her about this and while she is supposed to NOT do what she did, it happens sometimes. You have every right to be upset and mad. But one of the things we are trying to learn in therapy is that relationships can with-stand ruptures. When someone lets us down, it doesn't negate everything else - at least not most of the time - it means that in this moment they screwed up.

I hope she realizes what she did, how she did it and she apologizes. I hope you let her.

Last summer my therapist lost it during one of my sessions - his anger got the better of him. He didn't yell at me but he scared the crud out of me. I went home, called up and promptly quit. He called, apologized profusely, owned his mistake and coached me back to therapy. Even though he did that, I still needed an outside consultation with another trusted therapist to help me get a handle on what had happened. The consulting therapist said, "You are so upset because he f&&ked up. He let his own feelings get in the way. But what you don't want to hear is that this is an opportunity to practice what you've been working on. Stand up for yourself, allow yourself to be hurt and angry and work it out with him. Don't run away." It was really hard - you know how much I love my therapist. I didn't want to be mad at him but I couldn't just get over it either. We talked and talked and talked about it. Trust came back, slowly, but it did come back. The foundation was there.

You have this too. I actually hope she emails you back and can own this as she should.

Hang in there. (I'm sorry to hear about your aunt too.)
Hugs,
Daisy

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » DAisym

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 19:45:13

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout, posted by DAisym on March 4, 2008, at 19:39:36


thanks, daisy. for everything you said.

me, too, i hope she owns it. one thing i'm really worried about though is: what if she doesn't?

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » DAisym

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 19:50:03

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout, posted by DAisym on March 4, 2008, at 19:39:36

everything you say makes sense, though. i hope i can work it out. i'm afraid, though, that she's not worth it. she might not be worth it. and i might need to finally just save myself. that is how i'm feeling tonight.

i'm saying, just run. just stand on your own two feet. she doesn't really have my interests at heart and she never will, and working my *ss of to pay her not to help me is just plain stupid.

that's just where i'm at now. but it feels REALLY STRONG. i also totally hear what you are saying and worry on the other side that i do this in every relationship. when someone lets me down, i walk away. and convince myself as quickly as i possibly can that they were never worth it to begin with. i'm EXTREMELY good at this. it is a very effective defense mechanism and i seem to have mastered it early on.

i have found nothing to replace it with. yet.

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout

Posted by seldomseen on March 4, 2008, at 19:50:25

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » DAisym, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 19:45:13

I would wait and hear her out. I think if she won't explain her change in thought, or she won't own that she hurts you, then tell her how that makes you feel.

Daisy is right, therapists are human - good lord if i didn't forgive mine his mistakes, we would have ended years ago.

I would try to be willing and open to what she has to say.

Seldom.

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » seldomseen

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 19:53:55

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout, posted by seldomseen on March 4, 2008, at 19:50:25

i will but it feels really scary to walk in there hoping she gives me an apology and not knowing what i'm going to do if she doesn't. i'm going to be devastated and i'm not going to feel safe being devastated in front of her. i guess i will walk out and i will go somewhere and i will recover. but last night was so hard and now i feel stronger. i don't want to break apart again. :(

 

maybe by next week

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 19:54:54

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » seldomseen, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 19:53:55

i will be even stronger, and ready for whatever i have to face?

it's possible, i suppose.

 

p.s. » DAisym

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 20:06:04

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me » crushedout, posted by DAisym on March 4, 2008, at 19:39:36


that really happened with your T? that's crazy. i missed so much.

in the past when my T has messed up, she admitted right away. this time it almost felt pre-meditated because she had a week to stew or mull or whatever.

 

Re: p.s. » crushedout

Posted by DAisym on March 4, 2008, at 20:14:54

In reply to p.s. » DAisym, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 20:06:04

Totally happened. The difference between our situations was that he was mad at my dad and essentially said, "we could report him." Scared me half to death - I haven't ever even confronted him! And then I felt like I couldn't do what he wanted me to do, so I quit.

I do what you do - I tell myself they aren't worth it. But hurting means caring and you know you hurt...and you know you care. This is a good thing. It is a great thing actually.

So go back, for yourself. If she doesn't own it, or hear how she made you feel, even if she thinks she was justified, maybe you do need a break. I don't know if she can see it. But I do think it is worth trying to sort it out - three years is a long time.

And what if it ends? You grieve. And you go on. You don't stop trusting everyone. You've been through worse, I know you have. It sucks and it will hurt. But you are strong inside. And we'll help as much as we can.

I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you. It is going to be a long week for you. Be kind to yourself.

 

thank you daisy :( (nm)

Posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 20:17:58

In reply to Re: p.s. » crushedout, posted by DAisym on March 4, 2008, at 20:14:54

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me

Posted by Abby Cunningham on March 6, 2008, at 18:14:08

In reply to Therapy today hurt me, posted by crushedout on March 4, 2008, at 1:27:11

(((((Crushedout)))))) I normally don't post on this board but your subject caught my eye.

Something similar happened to me. I found out something on the internet regarding one of my T's parents and it was pretty bad. I never mentioned it to her though, just in an email to my pdoc (who is her boss).

Well I think my pdoc forwarded the mail to T and she's been awful to me. (This was after a year of
good relationship, kind, caring). I was blindsided when she started berating me supposedly for something else at my next session, where she had taken a phone call from a client wanting to make an appointment in the middle of my session and talked for 5+ minutes. Naturally I got upset when she talked that way and a whole hour passed while I sobbed my eyes out and I HATE to cry, never cry.

I had told her I was thinking of quitting therapy due to this and other things and actually did not make an appointment; she held it open and said to call her if I was coming. I did and when I went in she was cold as ice and terminated me on the spot! I am hurting quite badly, but I know I did nothing wrong! She has issues with her past and it is nothing to do with me. But it still hurts, and badly. I have my pdoc who used to be my therapist but she betrayed me by forwarding emails to T, who is in the same clinic and happens to be T's boss! I empathize with you and hope things turn out better for you!
Abby


> I have been avoiding babble for reasons I don't want to get into at the moment, but right now I have no where else to turn. My therapist hurt me so badly today.
>
> Last week I confessed to her something that I had found about her on the internet, and despite three years together of us talking about stuff like this (including other stuff I have found about her on the net), I have now apparently crossed some line. But all I did was read stuff in the public domain, on the internet--I did nothing to invade her private privacy. And when I told her about it--last week--she reacted very professionally, focusing on what it meant to me and exploring why I did it.
>
> But today, a week later, she was clearly angry at me, and she accused me of what to me are awful things: not respecting her, violating her privacy, and "bulldozing" her (whatever that means). I can totally understand her urging me to not look up the kinds of stuff I did because it interferes with my therapy but I am so upset with her for not dealing with her own feelings about how it AFFECTS HER on her own. She was practically yelling at me. I don't know how to convince you all but I did nothing wrong. And right after therapy I had to go to the hospital to see my family because my aunt almost died and now is in a coma. I just say that because I don't know how to convey what it's like when your whole world is falling down around you and the one consistent person, the one I see as my lifeline, seems to suddenly turn on you. And then you still have to go back out and face that world.
>
> It feels like the ultimate betrayal. My own freakin' therapist.
>
> I composed an email to her saying, "Can you please let me know when you've cooled off or worked out your feelings or whatever you need to do? because i don't want to waste another two hours round trip and $150 to get yelled at and have my feelings ignored. As you so kindly pointed out to me today [she listed my many "life problems" to me in her anger--not in an empathetic way mind you], i have enough other problems to deal with. thanks, [crushed]"
>
> But i didn't send it. I'm so hurt and angry right now I can't bear it. Who do you turn to when your therapist lets you down?
>
> I know I've been absent, and I have no idea what it is going on with my old babbler friends, and i am sure there are many new babblers who don't know me, but I just have no where else to turn.
>
> please help me.

 

Re: Therapy today hurt me » Abby Cunningham

Posted by crushedout on March 6, 2008, at 18:25:34

In reply to Re: Therapy today hurt me, posted by Abby Cunningham on March 6, 2008, at 18:14:08

wow, that's an intense story. thank you for sharing it.

i am actually a little scared that she may decide to terminate me also. and that it's going to hurt, even if i realize that it's her "fault" or "problem" or whatever.

but i guess i'll deal with it if so. i hope not. it sounds awful as you say.

(((abby)))


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