Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 815048

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You know the question I dislike......

Posted by rskontos on February 27, 2008, at 20:06:38

It is the question from people I think don't understand therapy or depression or MI or trauma or any of the things I think I have gone through or am going through which makes me thankful to be able to post,.. here is this question:

"Now what do you, rsk, have to be depressed about?"

For me it implies, that depression as well as "my condition" is a state that I have chosen. That at any time I can snap out of it and be fine. That is is "all in my head". I don't go off on the people that say this or make these insensitive remarks, I just know that they don't get it and I just leave the conversation where it is. I also know the conversation is going no where. At least my DH will say honestly now, is this something you need to discuss with your therapist, meaning I wish you would. He and I have discussed that sometimes as much as he would like to discuss it he just can't because he wants to solve the problem and my trauma problems can't be solved and the therapist is better equipped to help me. And at least that is honest. Whereas the what do you have to be depressed about it just hurts.

This happened right after I had a rough session, I left feeling better but was still rocky knowing I could not sustain my better feelings for long. Then I spoke to my BIL and puff the feelings went up in the air.

Right now I feel like in limbo. I am tettering in therapy limbo land. I have begun to rely on t more and that has brought out more switching and more dissociative states. Feelings of shared states and so much that just feels yuck. I try to share it with him and at the time words fail me. Now I can try to tell him but I am home and he is in Florida. I can tell Babble. words come more easily now. But I still haven't made the total trust committment yet. Yet I know I can talk to him more than I can my family including DH. He does understand DID the best. Yet it is so hard to explain all the states I find myself in these days. I awoke the other day, to realize one had been out for several days. but I did know it to a certain degree so it has changed a bit. I had thoughts and feelings I recognize as not mine. Those that I had to fight hard not to act upon. Actions that I would not ever do. And I can now feel the physical differences. How she feels different yet I am still present in part yet I am not. It makes little sense. To be here and not to be here. See what I mean about trying to tell him. and the other day yet another came to just cover the whole thing up. so really l am just not sure sometimes who the heck is the real me. And maybe like I told him, the T, maybe she(meaning me ) was killed off a long time ago, and all that is left are these parts, these fragments. He did not agree, but I still have a hard time not thinking this. the switches are made so quickly and the thoughts are so different. It is weird. To become aware of this altogether different person, it seems like an altogether different person, and feels so strange. I read a term, co-existence. I think. I may have it wrong now as I think about it. That is probably my intepretation of it now. Anyway, thanks for listening. And I am sorry if this sounds like rambling I am trying to assimilate my thoughts on this. It is a truly tough subject for me too, and in my head it is even worse.

rsk

 

Re: You know the question I dislike......

Posted by Daisym on February 28, 2008, at 0:06:42

In reply to You know the question I dislike......, posted by rskontos on February 27, 2008, at 20:06:38

I can't tell you how many times I've heard - "You? You have depression? Why?" So what do you say? The easiest answer for me is to say, "after many years things kind of imploded all at the same time and I found myself unable to get back up." That is usually convoluted enough that no one asks very many questions. The other thing I hate is, "you never looked depressed!" Yeah - cause I'm not gonna sit around and cry my eyes out at work. But boy do I want to say, "did you not notice how often I wasn't here or my office door was closed?"

And then you also discover people who have noticed and are sensitive enough to not say much but instead offer quiet support and kindness. Just a few weeks ago my (very young) secretary was instructing our new receptionist (a guy) on office protocols. She said, "OH, and if X calls - don't ask questions, put him through or find her and then keep people away from her door." X is my therapist. But I never knew she'd put all that together - it was an important call, shut my door and don't interrupt. When I mentioned it to her, she said, "X calls when you are having a hard time. I figured it out a long time ago. No big deal. Except once in awhile I want to say, "make her feel better - please." She made me cry. :)

People don't mean to be insensitive, like you said. They just watch too much TV.

 

Re: You know the question I dislike......

Posted by rskontos on February 28, 2008, at 10:42:11

In reply to Re: You know the question I dislike......, posted by Daisym on February 28, 2008, at 0:06:42

Daisym, you are so right they do watch too much tv. I mean I know I have alot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. I don't have to worry about certain things others do. I am grateful for that. But that doesn't change what happened to me that like you said imploded things and I am having a hard time getting back up.

Like this morning I had the most vivid flashback to date (this one was like in the movies). Involving the three people involved with the most hurt in my life. I endedflashback before it showed everything to me as I was terrified, it was an automatic reaction. I did this automatically before the rational part of me talked myself down and into a safe place. I almost did not come out of it. I believe it will reach a point where I can't end it it will just unfold. I want to say I am ok with that but I am just not sure. The terror I felt is huge. I think I am ready to deal with it. Dr. S is out of town. But he said call me if you need me, I will call back. It will take just a little time but call back I will. So don't hesitate. I said it would have to be bad for me to do that. He said like I said call me if you need me. I guess he knows it is getting to the point I can't stop the flashbacks anymore. And to think my BIL what do you have to be depressed about. ****, that is me shaking my head.


That is nice how your secretary picked up on it and just quietly supported you.:)

Thanks so much for your support too :)

rsk

 

Re: You know the question I dislike...... » rskontos

Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 28, 2008, at 19:38:56

In reply to Re: You know the question I dislike......, posted by rskontos on February 28, 2008, at 10:42:11

I like Daisy's answer.

I remember last Spring when I was getting ready for my diss defense and things were totally falling apart for me. I was a big mess. People would notice my flakiness and several of my friends cornered me on my withdrawal.

"Umm I'm depressed"

One of my friends said to me "llurpsie, if you weren't going crazy I'd be more worried about you"

Sometimes being depressed is the only reasonable response. I guess

*******************
Rsk-- terrifying about the flashbax. I remember the point in my life when they were the worst, I would have them riding the bus or out in broad daylight. Technicolor reality. I'd be flinching from ghosts that no one else could see.

I can't remember right, but are you taking any meds for these? Antipsychotics have really helped me a LOT with these symptoms. Seroquel and geodon and now abilify (which has the fewest side-effects of the three, in my experience).

please take care,
-Ll

 

Re: You know the question I dislike...... » llurpsienoodle

Posted by rskontos on February 29, 2008, at 12:01:40

In reply to Re: You know the question I dislike...... » rskontos, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 28, 2008, at 19:38:56

Thanks Ll, about the flashbaks, last night I had a discussion with one of my inners, a guy weird huh, and the flashbak and he said I was onto something when I said that one my memories I have I thought was false. I reinvented the memory so that is did not reflect what really happened since what really happened was too scary. I don't remember and I think this flashback is the beginning of remembering the real thing. I started it on the way to doctors and got so shaky I called my p-doc who is in Florida but I dumped the memory on his answering machine so that I could continue with my appt. or I thought I would just unravel then and there. It was so frightening and no self talk did it. I need Dr.S right then and there. So his answering machine filled in. It worked, I almost lost it again waiting in the exam room for the PA but I had brought a book and I kept saying read the dang book read the book. Because another inner kept talking about the bad things she wanted to go do. Finally the book quieted all. Whew, what a bad time.

The depress now seems so far away when these flashbacks hit, you know what i mean.

rsk

I do have something for them. I need to resume taking it.

 

Re: You know the question I dislike...... » rskontos

Posted by Kath on February 29, 2008, at 20:03:51

In reply to You know the question I dislike......, posted by rskontos on February 27, 2008, at 20:06:38

I have found the TAT method to help me with past trauma & current trauma.

you can learn it fully at www.tatlife.com

Feel free to ask me if you want more input.

luv, Kath

 

Re: You know the question I dislike...... » Kath

Posted by nfc on March 2, 2008, at 2:47:46

In reply to Re: You know the question I dislike...... » rskontos, posted by Kath on February 29, 2008, at 20:03:51

hey rk,

i'll email yah too but about this subject just some either uninformed, people who just don't care types will say that kinda stuff. my sis was telling me some ignorant #$%& before when i just got outta the hospital. i remember she was telling me you don't wanna be like her MIL who doesn't go to church because of her condition, she has skits too, so I better keep going even if I felt like crap and would have rather stayed home. ah some other #$%^ too but yeah she was ignorant and I partially hate her for that. so i don't go to church much so i don't really go and visit her anymore. thankfully i haven't had too much peoples give me crap for my condition but i've gotten some stuff like "what your still depressed?" or you know other people like you are doing good you know, i just say ok to like avoid me telling them "beep" you cuz if they doin good, good for them but i still bummed out so i just gotta deal. Some will draw a comparison of you to some other person who recovered remarkably. they don't f'n understand it don't work the same for everybody.

i guess we all gotta find our own ways to deal
and find a solution or some kind or remedy if even partial or temporary that'll carry us through for however long a duration that'll be. for some a day at a time. or moment at a time. however long is different for all.

hang in there rk,

nfc

 

Re: You know the question I dislike......

Posted by rskontos on March 2, 2008, at 9:21:20

In reply to Re: You know the question I dislike...... » Kath, posted by nfc on March 2, 2008, at 2:47:46

Thanks nfc, you are right. Everything is different for each of us. Depression looks different for all, that is why IMHO not everything that works for one wont work for someone else. I think it goes back to each brain is different and after all for everyone no matter what the issue is, that is where it starts.

rsk


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