Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 810058

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this is rough *long*

Posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 10:01:39

I posted above about my new "detachment" behavior with my T, which I felt was justified because she'd hurt me so badly in the past. We had a few sessions where she kept trying and trying to get me to let her in, then she got frustrated and yelled at me a week ago.

Oddly enough, this opened me up. I realized that she wouldn't have been crying (just a little) and yelling if she didn't really care.

We had a great session after that, but then, yesterday, we just went back to fighting. I went in trying to work on the relationship. I explained that when I opened up, and was vulnerable, and she started analyzing me, it made me feel horrible because what I needed in those moments was acceptance and empathy, not something that felt like rejection.

She said she could do that, but then she jumped right into criticizing me for setting "conditions" on opening up; she told me that I needed to start working on "your problems," that when she was nice I "pick away at it," that all I do is talk about what she's doing wrong. (It seemed to me that the reverse was true in that moment.)

I felt attacked, so I shut down and we spent the rest of the session in relative silence. I am really frustrated and upset. I don't know what else to do. We have been going around and around like this for over two years. She claims she wants a connection with me and she won't give up. However, it seems like she just can't accept me for who I am and how I feel and what I need. It feels like she wants me to take the blame and say I'm the problem, and I simply don't think that's the case, at least not totally. It feels like she's angry at me and wants me in there just to take punishment, and I'm just not on board with that.

I can go in and tell her all this next week--I've told her all this repeatedly--but I don't have much faith that it will change things in the long term. I don't know why I can't just leave. It seems like I can only "leave" with her there--i.e., work on detaching in the moment.

I keep trying to figure out what to do and what I need to learn from this repetitive cycle of opening up, getting hurt, trying to prevent it, getting criticized for it and getting hurt more. I quit once but it didn't work--I was still obsessed with this, angry at her, and full of feelings I couldn't take anywhere. I tried three other therapists and felt no connection with any of them. I am just so tired of this.

 

Re: this is rough *long*

Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2008, at 10:20:51

In reply to this is rough *long*, posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 10:01:39

I wish I could email you my therapist.

He said that one day he had this revelation that I would never change unless he accepts me as I am. And that's been his guiding principle ever since. It didn't come easily to him.

Maybe you could change gears, as a test, and explain to her that you understand her position. That you know the goal of therapy is change, and that you want to work towards that. But that she is wanting change more than you do, at this point, and the lack of synchronicity is actually slowing change. Maybe you could even remind her of the parenting adage of three positive statements for every one suggesting improvement. Maybe if you let her know that you understand what she's doing now, she'll be more willing to change. (Grin. You'd be modeling it for her.)

Or maybe she really isn't the right therapist for you. There's always the possibility that she doesn't have the patience for long term therapy.

I think there's a real tension between support and the change that therapy is expected to bring. Purely supportive therapy is rare in these days, and even therapy that is supportive in nature (which is what my therapist views my therapy as) has an element of tension for change.

If all she ever did was support you and accept you, it probably wouldn't help your real life much. If all she does is push for change, and you aren't a person easily pushed, it won't help your real life much. If both of you acknowledge that tension, there's a chance that the situation can resolve itself as it did with my therapy. There's also a chance that it won't resolve itself and you'll have to decide if she's the right therapist for you.

But all therapists will look for change. And all therapists will be more interested in your contribution to any problems in your life than they are in the contributions of others, since you're the only person you (and they) can have any influence over. It doesn't mean she thinks you're all wrong. It just means that she thinks it's the only area where you have control.

 

Re: this is rough *long*

Posted by Daisym on February 1, 2008, at 10:55:32

In reply to Re: this is rough *long*, posted by Dinah on February 1, 2008, at 10:20:51

It has been my experience that sometimes we get to an impasse in the relationship part - I *want* to feel connected, he *wants* me to feel connected but I feel like he has withdrawn, he says I'm projecting, etc.

So - what has been helpful, at times, is to stick a pin in it. We let go of talking about the relationship and we focus on an issue. We might talk about work, or one of my kids, or an abuse memory. And almost always, I find that we get connected again, because I'm not watching so intently for those things that make me think he doesn't understand or care. He says when I get in that space that I'm "building a case" - finding each thing that makes me believe that he is going to leave, or he doesn't understand, or whatever the current fear is.

I'm sorry - it all sounds so painful. And I know how frustrating it can be. But perhaps if you can just let it go (easier said than done, I know) it might get better on its own.

 

Re: this is rough *long*

Posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 11:04:27

In reply to Re: this is rough *long*, posted by Dinah on February 1, 2008, at 10:20:51

Thanks, Dinah. I wish you could email me your therapist too ;). Or at least the acceptance part. I can certainly tell her what you've said. I have no idea how she'll react. It seems like sometimes she is helpful and wants to work with me, and sometimes all I get is a fight.

I keep thinking about what he said (that you have to accept someone before they'll work on change), and I don't understand why she can't see that. I don't understand why she thinks criticism and bullying will work, and I don't understand how she can possibly think that will help me trust her. I've told her several times that I'll work on myself, analyze myself, spontaneously (which I do--it happens all the time in good sessions) when she accepts me, rather than criticizing. I just don't get what she wants me to do here. I can't be a whipping girl, which is what this feels like.

And if she is fed up and doesn't have the patience, I am mystified as to why she keeps persuading me to come back and trying so hard. I've practically begged her to kick me out (because I don't have the strength to leave for good, and the relationship is not working) and she won't do it.

My most horrible private fear is I am meeting some need of hers to punish someone or make someone "see" something that she has in her head.

 

Re: this is rough *long*

Posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 11:07:48

In reply to Re: this is rough *long*, posted by Daisym on February 1, 2008, at 10:55:32

Thank you Daisy, that sounds like good advice. I think both she and I need to learn to stop "hammering" at it sometimes, because it doesn't work.

 

Re: this is rough *long*

Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 1, 2008, at 12:25:08

In reply to Re: this is rough *long*, posted by Daisym on February 1, 2008, at 10:55:32

I guess what I am wondering is have you/did you ever discuss goals? That is a good way to start; it is hard to feel all over the place without a "game" plan.

If you don't feel accepted, she cannot help you (I know you know this); we all know when someone accept s us or likes us; this allows us to trust them (or not...trust them)

We all do what we need to to stay out of pain and stay safe. How safe do you feel with her?

There has to be that connection, or you will continue to be frustrated (again, I know you know that).

Hugs, Francesca

 

Re: this is rough *long*

Posted by Phillipa on February 1, 2008, at 12:27:49

In reply to Re: this is rough *long*, posted by sassyfrancesca on February 1, 2008, at 12:25:08

I e-mail mine quick ones and she never e-mails back.Strange. Phillipa


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