Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 806142

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Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran twinleaf

Posted by rskontos on January 13, 2008, at 14:26:08

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK, posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 13:04:16

Twinleaf, This was excellent and I really need to hear this as I have had the same thoughts as miss K and to have you explain it as well and succint as you did, it really changed my thinking. And it was very insightful.. Thank you so much... rsk

 

Great post! twinleaf

Posted by seldomseen on January 13, 2008, at 14:47:40

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK, posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 13:04:16

I went through some terrible "transference" with my T and I came out of the same kind of childhood environment of which you spoke.

You described my experience to a T (pardon the pun).

Seldom.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*

Posted by Daisym on January 13, 2008, at 14:54:20

In reply to Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 12:12:31

If only it were that easy - to "just" go to therapy, talk things over and leave with an adjusted perspective and tools to use. I suspect most people who agonize over the relationship spend an equal amount of time berrating themselves for their attachment.

As we've studied what works in therapy, there is no escaping the findings that the relationship is the most healing part of the work. No matter what the orientation, years of experience, gender, etc. etc., if the client has a "good" relationship with the therapist and a strong attachment, there are more long-term benefits. The advances of science have allowed us to actually see changes in the brain.

There was an article recently (In World News, I think) that talked about the number of people diagnosed with resistant depression at young and younger ages. The conclusion of several studies is that the way we live - disconnected from each other, our families, our communities and our work-mates, is a strong contributor. Therapy was found to be a crucial part in helping a person feel safe enough to become inter-dependent on others (NOT INDEPENDENT) so that they were less isolated and had less time to ruminate about things. Many CBT techniques were used but still, the relationship was very important.

If we think about healthy, happy children - they usually come from families or communities where they know they are cared about, thought about and enjoyed. They are secure and they know they belong. Pretty powerful stuff.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran

Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 15:50:10

In reply to Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 12:12:31

Twinleaf's post was great. :)

There are different types of therapy. Yours is a perfectly valid, perfectly useful type of therapy. So is mine. I'm a different person because of therapy. Years of therapy. I wouldn't say I was stuck in therapy that long. I'd say I was stuck before I went into therapy, and for a long time into therapy. I'd say it took a long time for me to be unstuck.

I call my therapist my therapist/mommy. And there are some similarities. But he's not really my mother or father or husband or friend, and he's not standing in for any of those things, and I don't want him to be any of those things. He's my therapist. We have a therapeutic relationship that I value very much. I don't want more from him. Why would I? He's my therapist. But when I say that and you say that, we mean two different things. And that's ok. It's two different sorts of relationships.

Today someone said something to me, in real life, that I never ever thought to hear from anyone's mouth. Not in real life anyway. I can't wait to tell my therapist, because without my therapist I wouldn't be the sort of person who got those words. I'm not the same person I would be if I hadn't been slowly molded and changed by my therapist. Because of my therapist, I'm aware of a whole... Well, the closest I can describe it is a whole new color range. Before therapy I was a person who lived in, say, a portion of the visible spectrum. Like someone who only sees shades of blue and violet. I didn't know what it meant to see red or pink or yellow. I didn't even know they existed.

I'm at a loss really to explain it. All I know is that seeing him without going through the whole relationship cycle wouldn't have brought about the changes he's brought about in me. I would still have just been limited old me with a few more coping skills. Being in relationship causes changes to the people in the relationship. Being in a therapeutic relationship brings about therapeutic changes. We mold each other, we shape each other like a river shapes a rock in its path. And since he has therapeutic training and I'm the one the focus is on, he's more like the river and I'm more like the rock. I change him a little, and he changes me a lot.

It's not the only way to get from point a to point b. But it's a valid one.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* MissK

Posted by star008 on January 13, 2008, at 15:56:25

In reply to Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 12:12:31

It is sad really that we hurt so much over the T relationships. I think it is because we let someone get so close to us.. I have been with my T a long time and love him dearly, but it is not a romantic love.. I wish I didn't cuz someday it will hurt alot but i think after a long time of being with someone it will hurt regardless of what you try to do.. I think that it is just wht happens and I don't know if a T or the client can prevent it. The romantic love is harder to deal with.. I have read some of the agonizing posts and it does seem IMHO to be unrealistic sometimes but that is just how people feel and it happens in therapy

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships Dinah

Posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 16:17:31

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 15:50:10

That was a wonderful post, Dinah! I'm so glad you joined this thread, because, as I was writing my post, I kept thinking of YOU, and the wonderful changes that are occurring in you after so many years of therapy, but thought I shouldn 't mention you without asking. You are living proof of the therapeutic power of a good relationship.

Would you tell us what was said to you? Please?

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships twinleaf

Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 16:30:26

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships Dinah, posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 16:17:31

I think I am living proof. And the weird thing was that the changes started coming all at once, rather than a bit at a time. I see that with kids too. It's not a linear progression. Something just comes together, some neuronal connection is made or something, and poof.

Which is not to say "I'm there" or anything. I know that there are still times when things will go awry, and I know that I need to take care in how I structure my life not to exacerbate what is really an ongoing condition. And that there will be times when I do anyway, or life will. In fact, I'm getting ready to do something right now that will short term make me miserable I know. Overstimulation. :(

I'd be so ashamed to share what was said because I'm so happy over something that wouldn't have been that exciting to most people. I'm sure "real" people hear that sort of thing all the time. I just never thought of myself as real, you know? For nearly all my life, I've seen myself as some sort of alien with my nose pressed up to the window of the rest of the human race.

 

And thank you! (nm) twinleaf

Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 16:31:02

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships Dinah, posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 16:17:31

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* MissK

Posted by muffled on January 13, 2008, at 17:31:35

In reply to Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 12:12:31

:-) ROFL!!!!
I DO love a straightforward post!!!
I do see where it must be utterly inexplicable to most, this T relationship business. Thats whats so good bout babble, there's others here that DO understand.
I still struggle w/it.
I dunno how to explain, but I try from my POV.
I go to T, cuz things not going too well again. T is nice. I spend 1 1/2 yrs developing enuf trust to say much of ANYthing about myself to her. I finally start to. I have never EVER done this B4, I am very self contained IRL. So now this T knows bad stuff bout me. That steps up the relationship a notch, cuz NOW if she rejectes me, well then for SURE is cuz I bad.
I 'tested' my T ALOT B4 I came to trust. I never leaned on noone B4. So to do this was hard.
So this explains some why relationship is SO intense.
BOTH my T and I worked very hard to develop trust.
I guess what it comes down to is if your trust has been betrayed at a very young age it changes how you grow up and view people.
Guess the other guys said it well.
My T says she is setting an example of a relationship that it is safe to trust. Along with teaching me a whole lot of other stuff.
Guess one other thing, is this stuff is close to our core of being. So yeah, its intense.
LOL!!! I love good questions!
M

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran twinleaf

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 17:56:57

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK, posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 13:04:16

First, let me say twinleaf you have provided an insightful and helpful post as many have already commented. It is a wonderful balance to my post.

I have just a few comments:

> and then experience a different kind of response from the therapist than the ones they experienced originally with their families.

Yes and no.

Yes, I read alot of the acceptance and caring from Ts. I experience this myself with my own T and I lap it up and it has nourished me like nothing else has while we've been in session and afterwards brings up a warm feeling when I sometimes need it.

What I read sometimes though about therapist rejections, slights, misunderstandings, being unavailable or feelings of these, etc seem to almost replicate what some experience from their own families/backgrounds. Why perpetuate that in therapy or set up the conditions for that in a "relationship" with a T, when you can and probably already do get it for free.

This brings me to the subject of transference.

I am aware of the use of tranference. I understand that it is, or can be, encouraged in resolution of certain parental or other dynamic relationships. That the T serves as the figure for that dynamic in order for the client to experiece a different result than the original dynamic.

I would just hope each knows what they are doing if they are doing this. For me, I would say don't ask me to consider the T as the ideal replacement figure because then I would expect him/her to be the ideal figure.

I did experience some maternal transference with my T. I recognized it and caught it. I didn't perpetuate it because I realized that even though she says she will be there for me, etc. I also know she can't be there in the ideal sense. Has she been and will she be there when I might need someone for three days in a row at midnight or 1:00a.m to hold and comfort me? Or what if I think I need her to move in with me for a week or more because I am having such a hard time coping and it really would be nice to have her presence 24/7. Or better yet, move in with her for a while. That would be my ideal mother figure. That would 'correct' and provide a different outcome from what I didnt' get the first time around in addition to being listened to empathetically and with care.

That is not to say that many T's do go above and beyond the call of duty by permitting calls in between sessions and possibly even visiting their client in a crisis situation, but you get what I mean. They cannot be, in the complete sense, the subsitute of the original figure. So, on the subject of encouraging and use of transference, my reaction: don't ask me to do that or view or relate to the T in that complete sense either. Help me deal with those feelings of what I don't have or didn't get, but don't ask me to have a kind of substitute "relationship" with you, please.

For the record, I don't do CBT. My T told me she does systmatic therapy (still not clear what that is) and I think it involves some psychodynamic components.


> and need to have good experiences with a therapist over and over again.

I have had this in spades in the listening, care and attention and psychological explanations and understandings my T has helped me arrive at during our sessions.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* frida

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 18:27:06

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* MissK, posted by frida on January 13, 2008, at 13:05:39

>i know i won't make much sense because i'm not feeling very well...

Sorry to read you are not feeling well. Hope you will feel better soon. It made lovely sense. I have just a few comments:

>i don't think it's just that we share intimate things and then we leave, and that's it.
My T has told me that her life has been changed as well, i think it's much deeper than that.
I know she thinks of me outside the T room, she reads a book that reminds her of something we 've talked about, or she watches a movie...or experiences something...and she tells me that...

I know my post may have sounded a bit abrupt. Actually, I am sure my T thinks about me as she must do with all her clients and is concerned how I am doing and if the therapy is helping and all that. I don't know because I've never asked her. She has from time to time also mentioned a book or two that she said made her think about me and what my issues are and what I am dealing with for myself. I also think of her in between sessions, mostly about what she has taught me and I think about the care and acceptance I get in her office and it warms me sometimes. I have no doubt that my presence in my T's life, or work is more like it, has given her something as well. But there are boundaries and limits on what we know about eachother and how involved we are in eachother's lives.

>i guess it all depends on the T, patient and what brings you to T in the first place...
in my case, c.s.a..she truly changed my life completely and gave me something i had never had in my life.

Yes, each therapist/client relationship will be different. Myself, what brought me to therapy in the first place was having an emotional and mental breakdown. My goal and objective in therapy is to ensuring that I don't have another one and that I can cope and manage on my own again.

>i am sure she'll stay in my life in some way forever.

Mine will be with me forever in memory. This is where I differ from you and perhaps others, I don't see this person as part of my life forever in the sense of a family member, lover or best friend or something along those lines.

>there are conflicts in the T relationship and i've been through very painful things in relation to my T as well

This is where I differ with you and perhaps others again. I've not experienced conflict in my T relationship or very painful things in relation to my T. This is what I don't understand. I don't understand why a T relationship has to have such conflict or painful interactions. I have experienced painful things and conflicts within myself during therapy, but they relate to myself and my issues and to relationships of my past - not to the relationship with my T. My T has never caused me pain personally or initiated conflict between us.

>T isn't willing to work through these things or get really involved

Well, it would be really awful indeed if the T caused pain or conflict and didnt' want to address it.

>anyway..thank you for sharing your views

Thank you, for your views as well.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran

Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 18:37:50

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran twinleaf, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 17:56:57

> What I read sometimes though about therapist rejections, slights, misunderstandings, being unavailable or feelings of these, etc seem to almost replicate what some experience from their own families/backgrounds.

Of course it does! First of all, I doubt any relationship can exist without rejections, slights, misunderstandings, being unavailable, etc. Therapy isn't teaching us to be in a relationship without those. It's teaching us how to remain in relationship even with those. Plus, sometimes our lives show a consistent pattern of seeing rather more rejections, slights, misunderstandings, unavailability than might exist were we to be totally objective. Therapy helps us see that sometimes we see those things where they aren't really, or where they aren't as extreme as we perceive them to be. And therapy perhaps teaches us that relationships don't have to be perfect to be helpful.

> I did experience some maternal transference with my T. I recognized it and caught it. I didn't perpetuate it because I realized that even though she says she will be there for me, etc. I also know she can't be there in the ideal sense. Has she been and will she be there when I might need someone for three days in a row at midnight or 1:00a.m to hold and comfort me? Or what if I think I need her to move in with me for a week or more because I am having such a hard time coping and it really would be nice to have her presence 24/7. Or better yet, move in with her for a while. That would be my ideal mother figure. That would 'correct' and provide a different outcome from what I didnt' get the first time around in addition to being listened to empathetically and with care.

Well, in my experience you aren't likely to get most of those things even with a real mother. Love isn't unconditional and all giving. If those are a person's expectations for any relationship, they're likely to be upset a fair amount of the time. Therapy helps us accept and value what is, and mourn what isn't.

> I have had this in spades in the listening, care and attention and psychological explanations and understandings my T has helped me arrive at during our sessions.
>

It sounds like you're a fast learner! And that you're able to take in good things from others. Not all of us are. I didn't even start therapy till five years into therapy, unless you count learning to trust. I'm a slow learner. And I'm all too likely to want to rely on myself and my own experience and my own mind. And I have to tell you, I was probably overrelying on that. I was a very clever girl with very little wisdom.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships MissK

Posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 18:49:58

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran twinleaf, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 17:56:57

It sounds as though we are basically in agreement about the importance of the therapeutic relationship, and the potential it has for really transforming how we live and experience our lives. I think you may be worried that, if we open the door too much to our unmet needs, that we will never be satisfied, and will enter into an unending and frustrating relationship with our therapists. I think you will undoubtedly have noticed that this does indeed happen sometimes with some therapists and patients. But, if we are fortunate enough to have a therapist who is able to understand what is happening, those almost unbearable longings from early childhood can be heard and understood. They can't be totally fulfilled, but they can be understood and heard, enough, to cause the favorable changes in our brains that Daisy referred to. This, in turn, allows us to feel that we are getting at least enough of what we need in our therapeutic relationships to allow us to grow and feel safe, confident, and comfortable in the world.

Anyone reading Babble can readily see that all of us frequently go through times of feeling that our therapists do not meet our needs as much as we would like. When this happens, it is vital for us to tell our therapists that we are feeling disappointed, angry and alone. Just letting them know this, and having them work with us over these feelings is tremendously helpful. Once we feel validated, understood and heard, it's easier to give up the longing for perfect, total, 24-hour caring that many of us have left over from unmet childhood needs.

It's sort of a partial getting what we need- to be heard and understood- and a partial frustration- not getting what we really needed as little children. Somehow, the not getting becomes more bearable in the context of actually getting something good in the here and now.


 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran happyflower

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 18:55:39

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran, posted by happyflower on January 13, 2008, at 13:05:53

>I think we don't PLAN on such a strong attachment to our T's, but sometimes when there is something in our life that is missing or is missing from our past, it is hard to separate those feeling because we have never felt them before until therapy.

Yes, the care and attention we get from our T's can be addictive and can lead to feeling like we can't live without it. Uhmm, but this attachment comes with a price tag. I have to make the distinction of needing the 'therapy' for my issues and needing the 'attachment' to the T. What she provides me is wonderful and I wouldn't mind a daily dose of that undivided attention and listening and psychological help and soothing. But I have to look for those things elsewhere too. She is there to help with certain things, she can't be, or more I don't want her to be my 'paid' best friend.

>...and you should feel lucky you don't feel this with your T or I should say NEED is it will make termination a lot easier.

As mentioned above, it would be easy to fall into a trap of needing that care and attention. It really does feel good. I guess, yes, because I view the relationship as one day terminating I have kept a certain distance with the attachment.

>although I felt just like you do at the beginning of my therapy and well things developed from there.

Yes, I can see the temptation of wanting to keep on seeing a T even if your issues get resolved. I don't have anything against continuing to see a T for years if one wants to, if it adds to their life and they can afford it. What I don't get is continuing to see a T in a relationship sense, like continuing to visit your mother, father or lover or what have you and having 'relationship' issues like a bickering couple. Then it seems to me some boundaries have been crossed.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK

Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 19:03:16

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran happyflower, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 18:55:39

> What she provides me is wonderful and I wouldn't mind a daily dose of that undivided attention and listening and psychological help and soothing.

Do you think that's what we're looking for? Daily stroking? Self indulgence?

> But I have to look for those things elsewhere too. She is there to help with certain things, she can't be, or more I don't want her to be my 'paid' best friend.

I don't want mine to be my best friend at all. Paid or not. I get my best friend needs met elsewhere.

I think at this point, I'll just say that I understand that you don't understand. My therapist says that to me all the time. With a little smile that drives me nuts. So I won't smile.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* Daisym

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 19:14:24

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by Daisym on January 13, 2008, at 14:54:20

Nothing too much to comment on your post Daisym, that I haven't said elsewhere.

>If we think about healthy, happy children - they usually come from families or communities where they know they are cared about, thought about and enjoyed. They are secure and they know they belong. Pretty powerful stuff.


Just wanted to say that is both a beautiful and powerful statement/message. Again, there are limits to the client/therapist relationship that prevent the full expression of what you write.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK

Posted by Phillipa on January 13, 2008, at 19:19:56

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran twinleaf, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 17:56:57

Mine discourages a Mother image feels I can do it alone with the proper practice and tools. Phillipa

 

Re: Thank you Dinah

Posted by annierose on January 13, 2008, at 19:49:23

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 19:03:16

I agree with your post completely.

>>>I think at this point, I'll just say that I understand that you don't understand.

You can't compare apples to oranges. One isn't necessarily better than another. They both are fruits each with different tastes and textures with various health benefits. Or one can prefer bananas.

My therapist certainly isn't my paid friend. This is a relationship like no other.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships twinleaf

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 19:52:44

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships MissK, posted by twinleaf on January 13, 2008, at 18:49:58

>It sounds as though we are basically in agreement about the importance of the therapeutic relationship, and the potential it has for really transforming how we live and experience our lives.

Yes, on this we do agree. And the rest of what you have to say is hits home for me too.

>frequently go through times of feeling that our therapists do not meet our needs as much as we would like.

And I would say, in my view, that this gets exacerbated and probably needlessly lengthens and complicates therapy if we approach it in terms of having a relationship with the therapist. We do have a relationship with the T, but it is a limited one, confined as it were - so again, why the angst and turmoil over the relationship with that particular T. Something is occurring out of that confinement that probably shouldn't be is all I can figure.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* MissK

Posted by Daisym on January 13, 2008, at 19:57:32

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* Daisym, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 19:14:24

I agree with you about the limits. No one person can be all thing to another person. I think that is why families -- mom, dad, grandparents, siblings, godparents -- are so important. Every relationship is different and fills a different need.

Perhaps the element that you are trying so hard to understand is the learning. And then the globalization of that learning. If you didn't get what you needed/longed for as a child and you come into therapy looking for it - you might have to learn to mourn and let go. If you've learned to solely rely on yourself, you might need to learn to attach. Therapy provides a place to see what you need to learn, based on what kind of relationship you have or want with your therapist. I think that is among the reasons things get painful. Some people need to learn boundaries. Some people need to learn to trust.

And btw, just because people might write here about what they wish for, doesn't mean they ever expect to get it. I think dreaming of a fantasy while accepting the reality is a very human thing to do. I mean, isn't that why we buy lottery tickets?

The reason

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* star008

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 20:01:54

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* MissK, posted by star008 on January 13, 2008, at 15:56:25

> I wish I didn't cuz someday it will hurt alot but i think after a long time of being with someone it will hurt regardless of what you try to do..

Yes, star. I agree. I am sure when it comes time to terminate with my T there will be some sadness that may hurt for a time. I will probably even miss our sessions and her personally to a degree. But going back to my school teacher image, the point for me really is to move on at some point. I think that is my T's objective in treating me too or at leasts understands that is my objective.

>I have read some of the agonizing posts and it does seem IMHO to be unrealistic sometimes but that is just how people feel and it happens in therapy

It is just how some people feel, I know that. I just wish and don't completely understand how a relationship that is supposed to make them feel better regularly makes them feel bad.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK

Posted by seldomseen on January 13, 2008, at 20:02:40

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran happyflower, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 18:55:39

>>>>What she provides me is wonderful and I wouldn't mind a daily dose of that undivided attention and listening and psychological help and soothing. But I have to look for those things elsewhere too. She is there to help with certain things, she can't be, or more I don't want her to be my 'paid' best friend.<<<<

>>>>It really does feel good. I guess, yes, because I view the relationship as one day terminating I have kept a certain distance with the attachment.<<<<

You know it's so odd, but when I first started therapy, I found myself saying the exact - I mean almost verbatim - things that you said in this post.

But now, looking back on it, I'm glad I had the guts to develop the attachment. But I really don't know I managed to do it - allowing myself to admit that I needed someone after so many years of not needing anyone. Allowing myself to miss some one and be hurt by someone - to this day, I don't know what came over me that allowed that to happen.

Oh, it was rough don't get me wrong. I used to call it face-planting in the therapeutic boundary. It hurt. It took a lot of work on both our parts to bring me through to resolution.

But, for me at least, I learned that I could absorb hurt and frustration and disappointment and not be devastated by it or end the relationship.

I used to think that being strong meant never allowing myself to get hurt, now I know that for me, it's just the opposite - it's being willing to accept the hurt and be okay with it.


I'm terminating right now and it's sad, but entirely okay I think because, like you said, this relationship was bound to end.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships Dinah

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 20:38:54

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships twinleaf, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 16:30:26

>I think I am living proof. And the weird thing was that the changes started coming all at once, rather than a bit at a time. I see that with kids too. It's not a linear progression. Something just comes together, some neuronal connection is made or something, and poof.

Hi Dinah,

I appreciate your posts and will make some short comments to some of your other posts. I just wanted to say the above really stood out for me. I am actually going through this. It seems in the last two weeks or so I've been having the same thing happen to me in terms of recovery. It seems like 'poof' something has happened and I've noticed remarkable improvements in my recovery. I can't explain it either and tried to tell my T at my last session last week but couldn't really explain it. After feeling so debilitated for so long it is amazing how things seem to be healing up. You say it wonderfully here.

> I'm so happy over something that wouldn't have been that exciting to most people. I'm sure "real" people hear that sort of thing all the time. I just never thought of myself as real, you know? For nearly all my life, I've seen myself as some sort of alien with my nose pressed up to the window of the rest of the human race.

Well, whatever it is I am glad to read you are so happy with it, and I can relate to the excitement of wanting to share something with your T. And I am equally glad you don't feel anymore as an alien with your nose pressed up to the window.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 20:59:09

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 18:37:50

>First of all, I doubt any relationship can exist without rejections, slights, misunderstandings, being unavailable, etc. Therapy isn't teaching us to be in a relationship without those.

Actually, mine has taught me that with defined boundaries, explicit or implied, both in mind and in practice that a relationship can be had without those.

>Therapy helps us accept and value what is, and mourn what isn't.

I like what you say here. It rings true for myself too.

>It sounds like you're a fast learner! And that you're able to take in good things from others.

I do try. Thanks.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran Dinah

Posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 21:10:43

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran MissK, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 19:03:16

>Do you think that's what we're looking for? Daily stroking? Self indulgence?

I don't presume to know what everyone is looking for. I said I wouldn't mind receiving what I do from T sessions on a daily basis. I said undivided attention, listening and psychological help and soothing. Stroking and self indulgence is your interpretation of what I said. To me it means the help I get from sessions.

>I think at this point, I'll just say that I understand that you don't understand. My therapist says that to me all the time. With a little smile that drives me nuts. So I won't smile.

Yes, it may be I do not understand certain therapist/client dynamics. I wouldn't appreciate my T telling me I don't understand something with a clever smile. I would ask her to tell me in itty bitty baby words to help me understand if that was the case. ;>


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