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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 8:53:07
to post but i'm afraid i'll trigger everyone..
i need help.
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 9:17:08
In reply to i want..., posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 8:53:07
Hang in there B2, wassup?
Can you do grounding stuff?
Self soothing?
Thot stopping?
Phone T?
Try posting w/trigger warning?
Talk to trusted friend?
Take meds as prescribed?
Go for a walk?
Relaxation excercises?
Roll breathing?
Positive self talk?
Goto go.
((( B2 )))
safe hugs
M
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 9:26:39
In reply to Re: i want... » B2chica, posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 9:17:08
thnx. tried some, not all.
i'll try harder before i' post. i just...it's bad. i feel bad.
i dont want to be a monster.:(
Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 10:09:24
In reply to i want..., posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 8:53:07
B2, it's ok to post triggering things. Especially if you put descriptive trigger warnings in the subject line.
Those who feel able to help you will, and if they're afraid they'll be triggered they won't be able to respond directly, but can still care about you and support you.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Have you had any med changes or unusual stresses lately?
Posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 10:21:16
In reply to Re: i want..., posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 9:26:39
B2chica,
Put a trigger warning in the post. Let me hear what you have to say, you won't trigger me.
You aren't a monster. Just by what you've said, that you don't want to be one. By caring about others, you've defined yourself as a person, a wonderful person, not a monster. You are obviously a very caring and loving person.
But now It's not your turn, it's ours. Tell us about the things that pain you.
We're worried about you.
We're here, and we're listening.
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 11:08:08
In reply to i want..., posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 8:53:07
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 11:35:21
In reply to Re: i want..., posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 9:26:39
B2.
OMG you are so on the ball. You are attuned to your kid. You notice stuff that lotsa parents wouldn't.
You go to T. You are aware of whats going on inside.
Your hubby is in the loop and helping.
You are taking your meds.
ALL parents fall short of perfection.
But you know what?
I think you are going to be a darn good parent.
I am not great parent, but at least my kids KNOW they are loved. And I am trying my best to do better. Just like you.
We are AWARE.
We are good Moms. NOT monsters.
We got hurt. Its hurts still.
But we are NOT monsters.
And thats why we go to T. Cuz on some level we KNOW these bad things we say to ourselves are LIES. Our poor inner kids are lost and confused and hurting. They are doing the best they can but they are just little kids.
So we go to T. We try and help those kids.
B2, you are so kind and caring and sensitive.
I truly belive you will be proly actually a better than average Mom.
There's so many Moms out there, they love their kids, but they so busy, they not LISTEN and really SEE their kids. YOU DO. I DO. Cuz of whats happened to us.
So its gonna be OK B2 really it is.
Triggers suck big time but they DO PASS. Hard to beleive at the time, burt try and remember. You've been badly triggered B4, and IT DID PASS. They DO pass. Grit your teeth, be kind to your inner kids, you KNOW that NO part of you has the right to hurt your body. And truly, it proly doesn't really want to. Its just upset and doesn't know what else to do.
You ARE strong B2.
Hang in there.
((( B2 )))
M
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 11:55:58
In reply to Re: i want... » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 10:21:16
ok, i watched a show last night. and it triggered me unexpectedly. suicide trigger.
at the end the fbi lady caught and killed serial killer that tortured women (good) but then when cops gave her a deal she said no, they asked surprised why! she said Very Intently "those of us that fight monsters need to make D@mn sure Not to become them!" pulled a gun and shot head.what if i have that in me...the monster i mean...even the thought of having a thought makes me what that gun. and i have that urge anyway.
its so strong. like a craving for a food....i want to leave work and find one...:( but the strange thing is...i don't...repeat Dont want to die. but i feel i need to shoot myself...i can't explain. i just feel i need to die.
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 12:59:34
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER****** » Bodhisattva, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 11:55:58
> ok, i watched a show last night. and it triggered me unexpectedly. suicide trigger.
> at the end the fbi lady caught and killed serial killer that tortured women (good) but then when cops gave her a deal she said no, they asked surprised why! she said Very Intently "those of us that fight monsters need to make D@mn sure Not to become them!" pulled a gun and shot head.*Well my take on this is she must have shot herself cuz she felt she had crossed the line and had become a murderer herself, just like the bad guy, in killing the bad guy.
I personally don't think she did the right thing in offing herself, but she did. And while its maybe just a TV show, its still sad. There's lotsa sad stuff in this world. Thats why I want to try and do good things and maybe make it even a tiny bit better. Cuz there is good stuff too.
> what if i have that in me...the monster i mean...even the thought of having a thought makes me what that gun. and i have that urge anyway.*B2, I think we all got bad stuff in us. My T says that. We not ALL good or ALL bad. We human. But what makes us better is we work on the good in us and not give in to the bad.
> its so strong. like a craving for a food....i want to leave work and find one...:( but the strange thing is...i don't...repeat Dont want to die. but i feel i need to shoot myself...i can't explain. i just feel i need to die.
*It FEELS strong.
But you are right. You don't really want to die.
Even the part that wants to die may not actually want to die. It just doesn't know what else to do.
But you are going to help that part, and it may not be easy, but you can do it, and have more peace in your life.
I dunno my part that wants to die tends to be more hysterical, so its easier for me to discount.
I also was at a point where I felt there was a part of me that would in fact be better off dead, cuz it feelings were so bad.
But what I now KNOW, is that I can work with these feelings/parts and make things get easier. I suspect I will always have times where I will struggle, but I am SO much better at KNOWING that the feelings will pass, and they DO. Meanwhile there are parts of me that are SO much happier. Things are getting better. And they will for you too B2.
Give yourself some credit. You have been doing very well at reaching out and taking care of yourself.
Its so hard.
But it does get easier.
Just hang in there.
Lean on your T.
Goto hosp as necc.
Take care of yourself.
That sweet little babe of yours needs her Mom.
Cuz Moms understand their kids better than anyone.
She needs the love you have for her.
Your not perfect, neither am I.
But our kids love us anyways.
((( B2 )))
M
Posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 13:05:43
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER****** » Bodhisattva, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 11:55:58
As far as an inner monster, It's true that everybody is capable of monstrous things. But what is it that makes any particular act an evil one?
I also think everybody is also capable of making that distinction, unless special circumstances exist.
That need you speak of, I think that that is your inner monster. And maybe I'm wrong, but it's probably tempting you with the peace that death would bring. But it's wrong, and you know that. It'll do it's best to hide the good of your life and show you the bad. It'll accentuate the horrors of your life and highlight your flaws.
B2chica, ignore its ramblings. They are the hateful ravings of your enemy. There are other voices you need to listen to now.
How's little one? She must be scared. Tell her to hide in the shed.
How's teen? Her anger can consume her, let her know that there are people who want her to be happy.Be safe. Keep posting.
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:06:57
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER****** » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 13:05:43
i called an 800 line cuz i couldn't reach T or anyone. i told her i'd call pdoc. but that office never calls me back and he'd just say to take another pill anyway.
i finally got ahold of T. she told me to try walking, then call her back.
Teen came out. ive been dissoicating off and on all afternoon. getting fuzzy loosing 10min here and there. can't focus on work. my head feels clogged. but the need/craving to get a gun has subsided.i can't tell you how much your responses resonated with me. it was so good to hear. i think you hit pretty close on. it DOES do its best to hide the good of my life. and gets louder with the NEED to do myself in. its like a compulsive act or obsession on an act.
something tells me littleone started this.maybe now i'm blaming i dont want to upset her. but THANK YOU for reminding me of her shed. i will tell her to go there.
and Teen... Teen helped with the obsession and action. she has a bad secret that she needs to tell T but just can't/wont do it. she wants to get drunk and go to session to tell her. i keep telling her she can't.
she gets mad and clams up. shes got a bad secret.
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:39:32
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:06:57
everything feels...looks so unreal...like maybe its not me.or things aren't things...kinda fuzzy too.
...its dissociation right?
Posted by JoniS on January 9, 2008, at 14:48:41
In reply to unreal, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:39:32
Right B2. Keep holding on to yourself. Do the things T said and Muff too. You are dealing with some tuff stuff, so keep remembering what T has taught you, and good experience has taught you. Also remember how much Babblers care. This care is genuine, heartfelt, concerned, loving - this is real. Your good far outweighs your bad.
(((((((B2)))))))
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:59:57
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:06:57
I F-ING MAD OK?! I F-ING MAD THAT THAT STUPID LITTLE SH@T SH@T GETS TO TALK AND TELL ALL HER STUPID LITTLE CR@P AND I DONT GETT TO TELL NOTHING! My Cr@p is WORSE AND I HATE ME! and I DONT EVEN GET TO TALK...CUZ I DONT KNOW HOW. THEN I WANT TO CRY BUT I LEARNED NNOOTT to CRY INFRONT OF WOMEN! SO WTF DO I F_ING DO!!!!!!!!
Posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 15:06:19
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:59:57
You're talking now. And we're all listening.
Please, tell us why you hate yourself. We just want to understand, yet we've heard so little from you.
Posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 15:18:15
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER****** » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 15:06:19
A GIRL SET ME UP...HURT ME. I DIDNT REACT QUICKLY...NOW I HATE ME..
Posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 15:28:27
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 15:18:15
How did she hurt you? You shouldn't hate yourself for being vulnerable or sensitive. It's her flaw to want to hurt. She's the one that should hate herself.
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 15:49:53
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 15:18:15
Its OK to have emotions.
Its what makes us human.
It also OK to express them at the right place and time.
I am glad teen was able to speak on babble.
But my concern is that all of B2 be safe.
Have you phoned back your T?
There can be lotsa disorienting switching when stressed, which makes you more stressed and causes more switching.
It tends to snowball.
But you can stop it.
You need to try and find your calmest part and work towards calming yourself some and get yourself out of this spiral.
I can chat with you if you want, but I also need to know that you have had contact with T. Its really so hard with words, and not seeing you to know where your at.
Chat is slightly better.
As for everything being unreal, thats appropriately known as derealization.
I am used to doing it, and I am OK with it. It passes.
Just pretend like your stoned and its not so bad.
So I will check chat from time to time as I am able.
Take good care B2.
You have been thru this kind of spiral B4, and can get out safely again.
Please call T.
Let us know how your doing.
If teen wants to express herself, then I can have Toughie come to chat She really seems to like your Teen.
Take care,
M
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 16:19:31
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER****** » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on January 9, 2008, at 15:28:27
B2, i gotta go again soon.
Toughie really wanted to talk to teen.
So I send a message from Toughie.
Its more like a visualization in a way.
So,it goes like this....Toughie and Teen meet.
They BOTH got ALOT of anger.
They stare at each other, each one waiting to see what the other will do.
Finally Teen flips Toughie off.
Toughie says F U.
Then they just jump into a rip snorting BRAWL!
They just beating on each other cuz they SO angry.
But then they finally getting kinda tired.
They kinda beat up and looking kinda messed.
Then allasudden, their eyes meet.
Then they start LAUGHING THEIR FOOL HEADS OFF!!!!!
OMG, they laughing SO hard!
And it feels OK.
They both feel better.
Then Toughie says F U and punches Teen in the arm and Teen give Toughie a smack back and says yeah.
Then they go on their ways.
This visualization made Toughie feel better.
So I share it w/you cuz mebbe Teen will think its OK too?
Dunno.
Take care,
M
Posted by MissK on January 9, 2008, at 18:10:30
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:59:57
>SO WTF DO I F_ING DO!!!!!!!!
Past the anger are tears. You cry too. Little one's tears are everyone's tears. Let them be yours too.
Posted by star008 on January 9, 2008, at 21:47:44
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 15:18:15
don't hate yourself for the meanness of someone else. I hate the set-ups.. I always fall for them.. But falling for a set-up is not the same as being the one with mean intent..
Posted by star008 on January 9, 2008, at 21:51:53
In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER******, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 14:06:57
might be wrong but i have written stuff down when drunk just to get it out and handed it to my T to read,, cuz i couldn't say it sober. was very hard to hand over too but the kid needs to say wht she needs to say or she just keeps acting up.. i hope u are okay today
Posted by B2chica on January 10, 2008, at 8:05:03
In reply to From Toughie to Teen, posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 16:19:31
she needed that.
Posted by muffled on January 10, 2008, at 11:08:31
In reply to Re: From Toughie to Teen » muffled, posted by B2chica on January 10, 2008, at 8:05:03
This shall pass.
Be safe.
M
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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