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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 8:06:46
OK.
Sigh.
My T is great, but of course....she human too.
Well, two sessions ago we talking bout triggers and she triggered me(a bit, enuf to make me dissociate, which I do at the drop of a hat ANYways)by saying a word I'm not fond of.
So then last session, she was saying about how, well I can't remember exactly what, cuz I was already tense bout her waving her hands around too close to me, but then she somehow said the word AGAIN, and was immediately repentant, and kinda fumbled for a sec, and then said 'can I make repair?'(I asked her what she had said) and the 'mode' I was in, just blasted away elsewhere, leaving me just my Ikid, who was somewhat perplexed. But then T tried to re direct me bt saying 'what color is that? Pointing to a truck, whereupun IKid was sucked (very happily!!!) into a discussion on colors.
This is long, sorry.
So then T is makinging Ikid laugh like crazy, I guess it was kinda funny. I was all Ikid pretty much.
But then she was explaining something else and I wasn't there enuf to understand and Ikid didn't either, but it was enuf to know that T didn't seem to be 'getting' it, bout where I was in my head.
So I dunno where I am at. I THOT I was understanding whats going on internally but I DO NOT.
I SORTA explained in an email what went on.
I THOT I was over it, no biggie. But I think part of me is still angry somewhere.
I'm all confused.
I have a weird and not so nice email written, and I not sure who it come from, and its not so nice. I dunno if its true stuff, or if its just some angry part trying to hurt T.
So I haven't sent it. I thot maybe I could bring it with me, to sorta 'test the waters' B4 I gave it to her. But traditionally I usu chicken out...
And I dunno even understand the mail. Or if its just anger. I want to be all better, and I do WAY better, but I can't seem to exorcise this one demon in me. And I dunno what it is. I dunno if I can ever know. But theres a part in me that is SO messed up, she so horrible we won't let her out, and when she sneaks out a bit its too awful how she feels and we want to die. Literally die. So she has to stay away. She has no words. Just how she feels.
I dunno what to do.
I just don't.
M
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:26:45
In reply to Dunno what to do*triggery?*, posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 8:06:46
im sorry muffled.
i'm having a hard time reading lately.
so i had a hard time...got frustrated and cussed at my computer and myself for being so stupid.
its hard.
but i want you to know that i care about you and i'm sorry you are having a hard time.
i couldn't get through your post but i so badly want to tell you i care.
(((((((muffy)))))))
Posted by JoniS on November 5, 2007, at 11:19:40
In reply to Dunno what to do*triggery?*, posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 8:06:46
Muff,
I'm sorry you're in this predicament, but look what a growth opportunity!
Looks to me like you need to determine whether you need to say something along the lines of...:
"I have a weird and not so nice email written, and I not sure who it come from, and its not so nice. I dunno if its true stuff, or if its just some angry part trying to hurt T.
So I haven't sent it. I thot maybe I could bring it with me, to sorta 'test the waters' B4 I gave it to her. But traditionally I usu chicken out...
And I dunno even understand the mail. Or if its just anger. I want to be all better, and I do WAY better, but I can't seem to exorcise this one demon in me. And I dunno what it is. I dunno if I can ever know. But theres a part in me that is SO messed up, she so horrible we won't let her out, and when she sneaks out a bit its too awful how she feels and we want to die. Literally die. So she has to stay away. She has no words. Just how she feels.
I dunno what to do.
I just don't."Then see what she thinks of that. Then if you both still believe it will be beneficial, show her the email.
Take this response with a grain of salt, cause I am FARRR from knowledgeable in this area.
Good Luck whatever you do. I hope you get a satisfying outcome.
Take good care of yourself.
Joni
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 5, 2007, at 18:24:23
In reply to Dunno what to do*triggery?*, posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 8:06:46
As usual, I don't know either, Muffly. But I know you're a strong woman and I know when the time is right you and your T will figure this stuff out. T does need to be careful with her words, though, especially since she already knew that was a trigger for you. So maybe don't send the email from your angry part, but talk to her about needing her to be more aware ALL the time of triggers for you.
I'm thinking about you.
Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 18:51:27
In reply to Re: Dunno what to do*triggery?* » Muffled, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:26:45
Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 18:55:52
In reply to Re: Dunno what to do*triggery?*, posted by JoniS on November 5, 2007, at 11:19:40
> I'm sorry you're in this predicament, but look what a growth opportunity!
*ROFL!!!!! You way funny!!! :-)
> Looks to me like you need to determine whether you need to say something along the lines of...:
*Duhhhh! Good answer. Anyhow, we managed to send a diff one. Shorter and...well kinda raw, but it was real, and thats what was important to me. Sadly it was rather nasty. But I sent another mail now with caps in the headre saying "read this first!!!" to warn her to read at her own risk.....
> Good Luck whatever you do. I hope you get a satisfying outcome.
*Thanks for your support. If my T reads it.....
Oh well.
She pretty tough....
You take care too.
M
Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 18:58:24
In reply to Re: Dunno what to do*triggery?* » Muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on November 5, 2007, at 18:24:23
Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 20:27:35
In reply to Thx ((TG)) I posted below (nm), posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 18:58:24
Muffled, you know I think or rather I know I have some dark angry ones deep inside me too. My sister and I have been talking about what we remember and what we don't. She has memories I don't have in which I am but don't remember I guess because it is too scary. She has had doctors ask her about old injuries to her bones and skull of which she has no memories. She and I speculate about our mothers rages and we know that she probably hurt us but we don't remember it because we dissociated and someone else inside has those memories. I know my mother was capable of it. When I found about about my mother's rape it was like I was unawaken from a deep sleep in which she has some provocative hold over me even though she has been dead now for 20 years. My sister and I don't remember being with her either. I have no real memories of her and my sister says hers are like a fragmented broken mirror. I suspect that when all my inners are released there will be many that are VERY hurt and mad. One night last week I invited them to the surface and I had had a triggered with a neighbor that reminded me of my mother and one of her rages and I heard a very angry voice cursing and saying b*tch over and over again. There was several vague images, a very pretty one, but several smaller hurt and angry ones. My H said something to me and I lost them. They haven't surfaced since. I guess it takes time for all to feel more comfortable with surfacing. My point is I can relate to the deep down anger inside. I have it too and it is surfacing every day. That is too way I am worried about inlaws coming because I am angry at the way they have treated me and I have allowed it. I am tired about the way too many adults have treated me both as a child and an adult. I am angry deep inside and on the surface. So I do understand. If I am not angry I am depressed and anxious about it. It is a hard path we follow now. All I can do is related. I care about you muffled. We are special people though and deserved peace. Maybe we can find some together! All of us on Babble highly deserve some peace. rk
Posted by Dory on November 5, 2007, at 20:48:24
In reply to Dunno what to do*triggery?*, posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 8:06:46
muffled i wish i knew what i could say... but this inner kid stuff is waaaaay over my head. i don't know anything about it at all... i do know you have a special relationship with your T and she cares about you a lot. You don't need to look for extra reasons to get mad at her or be "not so nice" as you say. That stuff happens from time to time... when it occurs to you that it isn't very nice, and probably just testing her.. then maybe set it aside an write her one about how you were tempted to just test her again.
Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 21:31:54
In reply to Re: Dunno what to do*triggery?* » Muffled, posted by Dory on November 5, 2007, at 20:48:24
>an write her one about how you were tempted to just test her again.
*Thats a VERY good suggestion Dory.
Now i think i know why I wanted to test her.
Well.
Wish me luck...
You take care.
M
Posted by RealMe on November 5, 2007, at 22:36:18
In reply to Re: Thx ((TG)) I posted below, posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 20:27:35
Yes the anger is there for most of us who had some sort of abuse. I have found it is okay to get angry with my therapist, but ususally I am not angry with him; it has to do with other stuff from the past that I might feel he is getting too close to.
RealMe.
Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 23:27:00
In reply to Re: Thx ((TG)) I posted below » rskontos, posted by RealMe on November 5, 2007, at 22:36:18
Posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 16:02:59
In reply to ((realme)))you OK? (nm) » RealMe, posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 23:27:00
Therapy today and I am not feeling so good. I will try to post later, but I have someone taking testing right now, and I go to my women's group tonight, and so I won't be home until after 10 p.m. CST
RealMe
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