Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 792116

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so alone...**Trigger**

Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 7:47:46

i am alone.
friday, depression went from a 6 to a 32 (on a scale of 10).
i messed up at work...REALLY bad.i felt like a hopeless person, not able to do anything, feeling terrible already i had the radio on and heard a song that everytime i hear it, it reminds me of my friends suicide. that tipped the scales. i called T for help but it was already about 4:00. and she must not have gotten the message. even being with littleone didn't help. i was ready to go.
i probably should have gone to the hospital, but that made me feel like a failure. i couldn't. i took it moment by moment. i was trying desperately to think of a way to succeed at it (as my other attempts failed).
i then "switched' into my (1950's lady) and scrubbed the house and cooked. that helped for about four hours....then it came back.
after littleone went to bed, it got worse again. i wanted to leave the house ...
but i didn't. i drank instead. drank and took little too much xanax, to numb me. it succedded in putting me to sleep.
sat. it grew again, but came in waves. DH was out of town. i had no one to call. no one to help. i focused on littleone and tried to hold her close all day. crying off and on. then at night after she went down again, it was back and strong...instead of acting i decided to write my obituary... i think that helped.
then i did some thinking....ruminating over and over. and finally came to a conclusion that temp. has helped. i've decided i can't die until all this cr@p is out of me. meaning all the abuse. Someone needs to know about all of it otherwise it will be burried with me. and that made me mad.

-it does concern me that the depressive thinking escalated so quickly. i mean last week was bad anyway, but friday at work (mess up) really tipped it, then few other straws broke me.
i was supposed to have started wellbutrin but for some reason i keep forgetting. or i get this irrational fear of taking it.

i don't expect anything from you guys. i just needed to tell someone what happened.
somedays i wonder why i was even born.

 

Re: so alone...**Trigger**

Posted by JoniS on October 29, 2007, at 8:19:29

In reply to so alone...**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 7:47:46

I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time, B2. "Why were you ever born?" because God created you specifically and loves you. :-)

I recently had a depressive episode where I planned my demise as well. I knew I needed to tell my T and he told me to come in that day. What really kept me safe was talking to my daughter (she is 26). I said to her "what if I moved to Mexico for a year?" (I just came back from a missin trip there). My daughter was very upset. She would be devastated and mad at me for leaving her. I know that she would forever be hurt if I wasn't around for her as she goes through her life, having kids, etc. That is what made me realize that I need to try harder to stop the thoughts of ending my life. Along with that I really need to set a goal to find something to give me pleasure. I know I can't fix everything, but one thing at a time.

You have so much going for you. I know that you have what it takes to triumph over your depression and come out of it a stronger person. So keep the faith, give yourself credit for the hard work you are doing. -Look what a survivor you are! At times when you feel really low about your own life, think about the times that your daughter wants to spend with you as she grows up. Sharing life with her will bring you much joy.

Try to put the work troubles in perspective. Your work does not define you. You can always change where you work if necessary. (This has also been one of my struggles)

By the way, I take Wellbutrin, AND Effexor, AND Lamictal. This combination helps me greatly. Whenever I've thought I need to "ween off" I always start sinking, physically and mentally. When I first started on these meds, I was dizzy and not feeling so well. But after a couple weeks everything evened out.

I hope today and this week go much better for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

You are not alone. Babble hearts are with you!

((((((((B2))))))))

Joni

 

Re: so alone...**Trigger**

Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 9:33:30

In reply to Re: so alone...**Trigger**, posted by JoniS on October 29, 2007, at 8:19:29

B2c, Joni is right you are not alone and please don't let that sweet baby not ever know her mom. My mother died when I was 27 and my sister was 17; that was hard enough not having her around when I had babies etc. so please don't do that to her. And yes don't let the abuser win. Take charge of your life, work abuse none of those things define you, you define you. Depression, anxiety doesn't define you. What was done to you those experiences shaped you but you can change how you react now to life as you control your life now. In the past as a child you had no control but you can control it now. You are strong intelligent wonderful and you can get past all this crap from work etc. So you messed up. It happens. You will get through this don't let it destroy you. You might even mess up again that happens all along life because you are human and mistakes will be made. You have a child they seem to bring out mistakes too. I have two kids and boy they will as they get older point out your mistakes in case you don't see them. You will be ok, you will weather this difficult time. Look what you have already survived. You are strong and I am so sorry I cant take it away for you and all Babblers. At least we are here for each other. Thank god for that. Take heart and be kind to yourself. You deserve it. WE care about you!!!!! rk

 

Re: so alone...**Trigger** » B2chica

Posted by Dory on October 29, 2007, at 9:57:12

In reply to so alone...**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 7:47:46

oh B2.. i am so sorry. i know how it is.. and i feel for you. i wish i could offer you answers but there aren't any really... just bits and pieces you can do. i think you did an amazing job so far... you found concrete ways to cope.

find something you can do for you.. something just for B2 that is a special treat. What was your favourite ice cream as a kid? Or maybe a day off just to sit somewhere nice and people watch. i don't know what gives you comfort. i found a special place at a library that has an indoor atrium with fountains, comfy chairs and a coffee shop. On days i don't need to be anywhere else, i go there. It doesn't make the depression go away, but it just soothes me some. Maybe you can find a place, activity or something which gives you just a bit of joy. Afterall, joy isn't a place we get to and stay there, it isn't a long term state of mind... it's just brief flashes of something, a flower, a smile, good food.. what matters is our ability to see those things as what they are. When we are depressed we don't recognize joyful things and we forget we had them.

something else i sometimes do which helps is to do some random act of kindness for someone, preferrably someone who really needs it, or a complete stranger. Do something good for no good reason. The last time i did it i bought a coffee shop gift certificate book for a cleaning lady at the mall. She thought i was nuts, but it made her day to feel appreciated. Passing on kindness gives us a warm feeling that nothing else can.

i'm grasping at straws... because i want you around. i'm selfish that way. You're a good person and the world needs good people.. i need good people. i want to know you're ok.

be safe...

 

Re: so alone...**Trigger**

Posted by arora on October 29, 2007, at 10:16:28

In reply to so alone...**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 7:47:46

B2chica-
I know what you mean about it coming in waves... I call my depression The Tsunami, :-<

I know it's so hard- the struggle to keep fighting to stay on the surface, but you can do it. You have so much to stay for! Your OH- your baby. They love you. You do matter!
I've been thinking lately about writing everything down- not just to explore why I'm such a mess, but also to put it in cold hard black and white.
I find when I'm really bad, spilling it out onto paper really helps- (kind gross- but you know how when you're feeling sick and finally throw up then you feel better?) It's like that- cleaned out and purged, somehow.
Maybe when it's bad, you could try that? You don't have to keep it- can burn it or something afterwards, but scribbling like mad for 1/2 hour or so is really therapeutic. I look at it afterwards and then I get mad...I think that no one is EVER gonna make me feel like that about myself again! And I draw silly little demons and monsters in the margins- sometimes they are so weird that they make me laugh, even when I'm crying.
If you are at work today, I hope it's better for you than it was last Friday... have a great Monday.

arora

 

Re: so alone...**Trigger** » B2chica

Posted by RealMe on October 29, 2007, at 20:18:19

In reply to so alone...**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 7:47:46

I am so sorry things are not going well. I wish I could do more than offer words. I go through this thing where I plan my death too, and in fact emailed T this weekend to tell him what my intentions are -- but not right now of course. Wouldn't want someone forcing me in the hospital. I don't know if he would; I don't think so.

My husband is still not speaking to me from Saturday evening; in fact I have not seen him at all. He locks himself away in the spare bedroom. I don't even know if he ate today as I was at work. I only ate one meal today. I don't feel hungry, and I don't want to hear from him right now anyway. So, I have numbed myself, but I don't recommend that. When is DH coming back? Hang in there. I am trying and others are too, and you are one of us.

RealMe


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