Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 791532

Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Coming to terms with CSA

Posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 11:29:15

I never believed it when my sister said she saw my father molesting me. She would get frustrated with me for not believing her. She got beaten up real bad by my dad so she wouldn't tell. Now I am coming to terms with this -- it explains a lot of things, and it's very hard. I've experienced a lot, but this seems to be about the worst. I grieve for my little self. I was only 2 or 3 years old. How have the rest of you come to terms with it if it happened to you?

This came about, because my T was wondering how I learned to dissociate at such an early age. I called my sister, and she confirmed it again.

Emily

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA

Posted by antigua3 on October 26, 2007, at 12:09:22

In reply to Coming to terms with CSA, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 11:29:15

I don't know how to come to terms with it. All I know is that it is something that happened that wasn't my fault and has affected every aspect of my being. You need time to let it sink in, and to find what works best to soothe you.

I wish I had answers for you--and I wish more than anything you didn't have to go through this, or that anyone EVER has to go through this.

Post if it helps. There are so many helpful, kind people here who are going through it too.
antigua

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA antigua3

Posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 12:43:03

In reply to Re: Coming to terms with CSA, posted by antigua3 on October 26, 2007, at 12:09:22

Thank you antigua for your post. I have a feeling that the more I work with my T, the more I will realize how it has affected every part of me. I'm looking through a window now and seeing that little girl and how she developed. It's dawning on me more and more the ways it has affected choices I made in my teens, and how I have felt about myself. You're right, this is going to be a tough one. It was hard to post about it, and I'm looking forward to hearing from the rest of you.

Emily

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA

Posted by B2chica on October 26, 2007, at 15:17:31

In reply to Coming to terms with CSA, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 11:29:15

i dont even know how to come to terms with things. but i know i can only handle bits at a time. those i can slowly process and deal with....then maybe one day when i've 'dealt' with all the little things i can see it as a whole.
even though i've been in therapy for a couple years and am finally to the point where i can admit (only on babble and to T) that i was abused. it still isn't really sunk in. i think there are still a few 'parts' that wash it away.

although i hate to admit it. it has affected almost every action/reaction i've had in my life. and unfortunately it set me up for later abuse and SA.

it is tough...
but oh...emily, finally saying outloud some of the stuff. saying and having someone believe you? even though it's 25 years late. it is SUCH a good feeling. it is helping.
just Keep posting. Keep working. Keep trying.

am Very glad you posted.
b2c

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA emily99

Posted by Poet on October 26, 2007, at 19:13:25

In reply to Coming to terms with CSA, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 11:29:15

Hi Emily99,

I've been in therapy for five years and it wasn't until about a month ago that I started to work on CSA. My T knew what happened as I wrote it and let her read it, but she agreed to never bring it up unless I do.

I was retraumatized by something I read in the book Running With Scissors, so now we are trying to work through my CSA issues. My post above "let a little bit out" is about the retraumitization.

It's okay to grieve for your little self, she went through some terrible things and deserves compassion. Note to self, practice what you preach and stop blaming your inner child.

Poet

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD

Posted by DAisym on October 26, 2007, at 20:59:16

In reply to Re: Coming to terms with CSA emily99, posted by Poet on October 26, 2007, at 19:13:25

I believe that each individual has to decide what "coming to terms" means for them personally. For some, it is to be able to admit to themselves and world what happened. For others it is working past the shock, rage and grief to get to a new understanding of themselves and their history. For others it is getting even somehow - revenge fantasies and all that.

Everyone has a different path to take, and they must clear it on their own but typically, knowing what happened (really knowing, in your body and in your mind), being believed, allowing yourself to feel angry about the "secret" effects, and grieving for the lost trust and innocence will be somewhere on your path. Parts of this path are very narrow and you can only travel it alone - and other times it widens and someone can walk along beside you. When the path is really narrow, it helps to know if you need your therapist, and your friends and/or family to lead for a little while, or to follow along behind you picking up pieces. I've needed both on this journey.

I'm sad to say that it gets hard and painful before it gets better. The full awareness is just so awful - but hold on to the knowledge that you were strong enough to make it through the first time and you can do it again.

How is your sister doing with this, as you've come to believe it? I imagine you might have mixed feelings about her right now.

I agree with everyone else - I'm glad you could post about it.

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD DAisym

Posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 22:17:27

In reply to Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD, posted by DAisym on October 26, 2007, at 20:59:16

I have only told all of you here what I've recently come to believe about my CSA. I didn't know where to turn, and felt safe with all of you. Of course my T knows, and my sister, but I don't plan on telling my children (who have families of their own), or anyone else.

What I said about "coming to terms" with it, for me, means allowing myself to believe it and to start processing it. I am so thankful to have a good T. I am feeling sorry for myself right now, and can see how it changed me. But I can also see how it made me stronger.

I don't have any hard feelings against my sister. I think that she wanted to help me by telling me. I've always had an unrealistic love and devotion to my father, which just didn't fit into reality.

My sister was severely beaten by my dad to never tell. I think it is a relief for her that I finally believe her, since she paid a price, too.

I am sorry if I am triggering any of you.

I sense that there are those of you who will hold my hand through the tough parts. I keep thinking I'll escape that, but I'm not thinking clearly right now.

Emily

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD emily99

Posted by Daisym on October 26, 2007, at 22:53:18

In reply to Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD DAisym, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 22:17:27

Emily,

Please understand that the trigger in the subject line is just a standard practice we use here to alert others. You did not trigger me. And the CSA was pretty clear - there might be a few people who don't know what that means. So no apologies necessary.

It is OK to feel sorry for yourself. I bounce from deep despair about how "ruined" I am to intense, explosive anger that I have no idea what to do with. The more I remembered, the more I could see why I did this, or didn't do that. It made me furious to feel like I've been a puppet all along - not fully in control of myself and my choices.

After 4 years of talking about this stuff, I'm just "in the middle" my therapist says. Scary thought - and it is still hugely painful.

This really is the place to come when you need help or holding. I can't tell you how often I've done that. I can't imagine what shape I'd be in if I hadn't found Babble and the group of folks who hang out here. So keep posting. It really helps.

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA emily99

Posted by RealMe on October 27, 2007, at 0:49:23

In reply to Coming to terms with CSA, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 11:29:15

For me I knew all along and have never forgotten the times or men who sexually abused me when I was younger, or the kinds of relationships I had later too.

What I did was try to deal with it all on an intellectual level, and it worked for many years. It hasn't been working for the past several years as I started to get more and more depressed.

My therapist talks about how with me it is going to mean integrating the feelings from back then with who I am now. I don't like to re-experience my feelings from back then and even into my 20's, but I think my T is right that the feelings have always been there and were just buried. SO, I did not bury the memories which I could talk about just fine on an intellectual level. It is when I start talking about and re-experiencing the feeling from back then that I exeperience a lot of pain. Also, there then becomes the whole issue of dealing with my T who is male. I think it is good I have a male. First, I never had a father around. Second, my abuseres were all male, and in part I was looking for a man to love me. Third, I can finally have a different kind of relationship with a man, one that is caring and not abusive.

I have to agree with others, this process is extremely painful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it is also true that we survived it, and so we can survive the therapy too.

RealMe

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA

Posted by rskontos on October 27, 2007, at 17:21:31

In reply to Coming to terms with CSA, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 11:29:15

Emily, I have posted or tried to two other times and this has been hard for me. I just wanted you to know I understand. I too cried for my little self and then got angry for the me and my sisters that no one helped us. We were left to the dogs but we survived a little worse for the wear but we are here today.

I only recently entered therapy and recently still found out more about the abuse and it rocked my world. I still dissociated like crazy but I am trying to put it together. I have not spefically ask the question like you did and I just putting off the confirmation. I started my dissociation early too like 2 or 3 and now I am really starting to unravel. So I like you am not over it my T says I have a long way to go but will get there like you I have questions. I wished I had more memories to access but they are a big blank. I know how hard it is. To find out the evil you lived in is real is a real shock. But for all of us we understand. So keep babbling and we are here for you as you go through the same process we too are going through. We are all in this together and we will hold your hand all you need us too!! You are strong... you got this far and will go all the way to get heal. That is my hope. To be well and whole for the first time. rk

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA rskontos

Posted by emily99 on October 27, 2007, at 20:47:42

In reply to Re: Coming to terms with CSA, posted by rskontos on October 27, 2007, at 17:21:31

Hi rs,

I can relate to everything you said. I am still in the belief/disbelief stage, but there is no other explanation -- and then there's my sister's confirmation. I am beginning to unravel too, but I think it will be good in the long run.

I still have my childhood teddy bear, and I always thought it odd that I burned it's behind with matches when I was 6 or 7. I know why now.

I cried today for the first time in a very long time. The tears were cleansing, and I feel so much better afterwards. I welcome the pain and struggle, because I know that on the other side there will be freedom and the real me can come out.

I will keep Babbling, and I am so grateful to all of you who have responded.

I'll let you know how things go with my T next week. I want to share my journey with you, in hopes it will help someone else.

Emily

 

Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD emily99

Posted by antigua3 on October 28, 2007, at 7:57:42

In reply to Re: Coming to terms with CSA - TRIGGER THREAD DAisym, posted by emily99 on October 26, 2007, at 22:17:27

"I've always had an unrealistic love and devotion to my father, which just didn't fit into reality."

That's me to a fault, and that's what I'm working so hard on right now. I'm only speaking for myself, but I have had a really hard time with this issue. It has blocked everything for me, and it can still throw me into complete denial.

so be careful, and go slow. Be kind to yourself and lean on others when you have to. It's hard sometimes because nobody else in my life has that view of my father and I've defended it almost my entire life. That's what T's and friends--even babblers!--are for. Talk about it with people you trust.

Just recognizing, and hopefully accepting it is huge. I'm really proud of you.
antigua


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