![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on October 25, 2007, at 9:37:49
T is trying to get me to tell my mother that I don't want to go over there anymore because of my brother.
T pretended to be me, and I was my mother. It didn't work. I crossed my arms and legs tight and T said "you don't have to protect yourself, you don't have to do that." Yes, I do.
I was supposed to tell my mother I don't want to go over there anymore when I saw her last Saturday, but the closest I came was to say I hate how filthy his half of the house is. T says I need to let my mother know that it upsets me so much I don't want to go over there. That my brother living off of them upsets me, too. Hence the role playing.
I am going to push myself to tell my mother that my brother upsets me, and that when we go out together I don't want to hear about him and she shouldn't invite him to come along because I want to spend time with her alone.
T really wants me to cut myself off entirely, but I am not ready to do that. Maybe a little bit at a time will work, though my brother upsets me more and more so maybe it won't. Damn him.
Poet
Posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 9:58:07
In reply to I Hate Role Playing, posted by Poet on October 25, 2007, at 9:37:49
Hi Poet,
I would hate doing that too. I think you aren't asking your mom anything that bad, and if you put in the context that you would like to spend mother and daughter time, maybe that would help some. It sounds like a very difficult situation. Maybe seeing her away from her house too, would help. But I am sure you have thought about those options. Would your T be against writing her a letter and telling her these things?
Posted by Dinah on October 25, 2007, at 10:07:03
In reply to I Hate Role Playing, posted by Poet on October 25, 2007, at 9:37:49
I hate role playing too. So much so that my therapist has given up on trying to get me to do it.
Family problems are so difficult. Your mother isn't responsive to the idea of going out, just the two of you? I wish there were a sensitivity pill to give her.
Posted by rskontos on October 25, 2007, at 19:09:03
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing » Poet, posted by Dinah on October 25, 2007, at 10:07:03
Poet, I know how you feel. I am suppose to be telling my family something and so far I have bailed on it. I did put my foot down today at the doctor's office hoping this first small step would help get stronger to do the family thing. Families are difficult and talking to them is harder since they know how to provoke us.
I can't help you get any stronger as I am struggling too just maybe it helps you know you aren't alone. I suck at telling mine stuff I usually suffer in silence or hide from them? Why do we do that crap?
Posted by Poet on October 26, 2007, at 18:52:25
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing » Poet, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 9:58:07
Hi Happyflower,
Next time my T suggests role playing I am just going to cross my arms and legs instantly and glare at her. Wait, first I'll throw a pillow at her.
My mother is 80 and no longer drives so my father who is also 80, but still drives would have to bring her over to my house. Last week I told her to wait at the door and when I pull up she can come out and get in the car. She, of course, was not waiting so I had to go in the house to get her. My brother wasn't home, he was off somewhere in the car she no longer drives.
I told my sister that I can't stand going over there because of the mess and how hard it is for my parents that he sponges off them. Maybe she can talk to my mother that it upsets her and she only visits once a year.
T asked me what would happen if I told them the truth that its CSA that makes me hate him, but no way I am dropping that bomb. Baby Boy's word against mine, I know who would lose.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 26, 2007, at 18:57:16
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing » Poet, posted by Dinah on October 25, 2007, at 10:07:03
Hi Dinah,
I think my therapist will give up on role playing. It just does not work for me.
I'm hoping next time my sister comes to visit that she will tell my mother that my brother upsets her, too. Maybe if two of us say it she will listen.
Next time my mother wants to go shopping or out to eat I will say it has to be just the two of us and maybe I can ask her to meet me at the door so I don't have to go in.
That house has far too many bad memories for me involving my brother. That's the bad thing about therapy I could deny those feelings for so long and then wham retraumized and now I have to face it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 26, 2007, at 19:03:49
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing, posted by rskontos on October 25, 2007, at 19:09:03
Hi Rsknotos,
I will never tell my family the real reason my brother upsets me, I'm hoping the fact that he uses my aging parents will be reason enough.
I wish we could help each other get stronger. I think I hide because of decades of denial. My brain says bury it deeper next time, but then the feelings resurface anyway.
I am going to tell my therapist no more role playing. It doesn't work on me.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2007, at 23:04:19
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing » rskontos, posted by Poet on October 26, 2007, at 19:03:49
Just a passing thought, but I wonder if your parents think that they can convince you that they don't feel used, and that if they don't mind your brother they don't want you to be upset by it.
Maybe it's better not to give any reason at all. Or to say what you'll be doing, and leave it at that.
Posted by rskontos on October 27, 2007, at 10:28:31
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2007, at 23:04:19
You know my T says after a conversation about my dad that some people use denial all their lives because they don't want to deal with the issues. So your parents are maybe subconsciously aware of the abuse but can't acknowledge it because then they would be force to deal with it. It is kinda of like if they did not actually see it then they can deny it happen. I like to think as a parent I would know my children were being abused under my own roof. I am super sensitive and I don't trust anyone but I am trying to think of normal parents without issues like myself, and I would hope they would know. In the case of sibling abuse maybe it is harder but no excuse not to help one child over another. Your parents can not accept that a0 you were abused by your brother and b) they are also being abused by him. It is easier to deny it. Horrible as parents but easier. I am so sorry they are letting you down. It sucks. I am having trouble working through my own issues with my parents, my mother is dead and I am still having trouble with how I feel about her, my father too. He is coming for Thanksgiving and I am hoping for snow so he won't come. I have very ambivent feelings toward him. Actually I have none right now. No feelings. So I cant help anyone get over it I can just say you aren't alone. Maybe tell them that you will not pick them up unless they are waiting outside. And drive off if they aren't. I guess that is mean. But somedays I think they deserve (parents that abuse their children) mean from us and I guess that isn't healthy . So maybe you shouldn't listen to me. I feel for you Poet and you will work it out probably better than me. Sorry if I haven't helped. I just wanted to say I understand even if I can't offer much else. rk
Posted by Poet on October 27, 2007, at 15:40:53
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2007, at 23:04:19
Hi Dinah,
I think my father would agree that they are being used, but my mother wouldn't. My mother rules the roost so what she says will go.
I am the youngest I thought I should be the one who is spoiled, wrongo.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 27, 2007, at 15:48:31
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing, posted by rskontos on October 27, 2007, at 10:28:31
Hi Rk,
I wish things would be as easy as just saying point blank I don't want to see you ever again.
My parents certainly must know I was emotionally abused by my brother, then again they accept his emotional abuse of them. What he says to my father is just plain nasty.
I don't think they know about the CSA. I would hope that my brother wouldn't have gotten away with it had they known. Though maybe that is wishful thinking?
Thanks for understanding. I hope you get lots of snow on Thanksgiving so your father doesn't come over. I hope my husband and I go to his father's so I don't have to see my damn brother.
Poet
Posted by rskontos on October 27, 2007, at 16:49:18
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing » rskontos, posted by Poet on October 27, 2007, at 15:48:31
Thanks Poet I hope you go to your H's family too. I don't know if it is wishful thinking or not. After what I found out about my grandparents I realized you don't know what goes on in people's minds even family. I am just amazed that my sister and I are crazier than we are. We have a double dose on both sides both families my mother's and father's are wacko's and should not have been allowed children but then I would not be here so.......
Why can't we tell our families we can't see them. I am not sure what will happen if my father comes. I don't know what type of relationship I can now have with him. Sigh....I do wish it was easier. don't you....
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2007, at 11:54:13
In reply to Re: I Hate Role Playing, posted by Poet on October 27, 2007, at 15:40:53
I'm not sure if it's true around the country, but in this area it's not at all unusual for the boy child to be the spoiled one. Especially if there is only one boy.
Often it's the daughters who quietly take care of their parents and meet their needs, while the love and devotion are lavished on the son.
And sometimes it's the really awful ones who the parents spoil most. Maybe they're resentful of the ones that are caring to them? Or feel guilty at the way the other one turned out, so are invested in covering up their flaws? Because if they admit it they're also admitting their own inadequacies as a parent? If that's the case, the more they see or have pointed out your brother's behavior, the more they'll (she'll) defend it.
Whatever it is, it's their stuff and is nothing to do with you. You are the perfectly wonderful Poet, who is worth the world, no matter what her parents acknowledge.
I think it's great that you want to do the right thing with your parents. But you need to do that while protecting yourself as much as possible. If that means not putting them to the test by telling them everything your brother did, that's perfectly reasonable and understandable given their behavior. You don't have to apologize or explain the limits and boundaries you put on your interaction. Especially if explaining it just leads to more trouble. Go to your husband's family for thanksgiving (or imply you did and have a quiet dinner at home). Pick up your parents at the door, and firmly change the topic if it comes up to how wonderful your brother is. If your mom is more of a problem than your dad, it might be fun for the two of you to get him away from the others and do something special yourselves. I used to bring my father out to lunch, just the two of us, as a regular gift to him.
You are fine. They are... well, they are who they are. You might need to protect yourself from them, but when the boundaries are in place your relationship might be better than ever. I found with my parents that when I clearly outlined my limits, we got along much much better.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.