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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
I've noticed something on this board..don't know if anyone else is aware of it or not.
It seems like a lot of people post "I'm going away/can't handle it anymore/need time out/etc." posts. I can fully inderstand if someone confidentiality has been violated as happened with RealMe, but the rest of the "I'm going away now" posts seem more like attention-seeking than anything else. The poster leaves their message, gets a flood of replies, and usually will stick around after all.Just something I've noticed a lot of lately....
Posted by JoniS on August 27, 2007, at 7:38:49
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
Maria
You may be right that there are a lot of those lately, and they may be for attention, but IMO that is just fine. Better than fine, great. I consider my fellow Babblers in need of attention, support, advice, acknowledgement, help from others who've been through things, or just to know that they would be missed if they did leave, I am glad they (we)can come here and get that. When you guys are hurting, I am also hurting.
Dont really know what else to say except that I hope we dont lose anyone unless they have reached their goals and if they gotta go then, I respect that.
Joni
Posted by Deputy Dinah on August 27, 2007, at 8:18:48
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
> I can fully inderstand if someone confidentiality has been violated as happened with RealMe, but the rest of the "I'm going away now" posts seem more like attention-seeking than anything else.
Hi Maria.
I just wanted to remind you that Dr. Bob asks that we not jump to conclusions or post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down.
You might want to look over the civility guidelines of the site.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
I understand that it can sometimes be difficult to express what you want to say while staying within the civility guidelines. The FAQ have some examples of "I" statements, and use of a civility buddy if you have any questions about a post is encouraged.
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Dr. Bob is always free to override deputy decisions. His email is on the bottom of each page. Please feel free to email him if you believe this decision was made in error.
Dinah, acting as Deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2007, at 8:32:18
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
I've been known to leave Babble on occasion, and yes, I always come back.
I can only speak for myself. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming. Sometimes I get too angry (usually at something Dr. Bob has or hasn't done, since I tend to shift my anger to him.)
But a lot of times it was that my experiences growing up made me see myself as a social pariah. Someone defective in social settings. Someone unacceptable. Or there might have been things about me that made *me* feel ashamed. Not unnaturally under the circumstances, I would tend to view things through that lens. If I posted about something I felt ashamed about and didn't get many responses, I'd be embarrassed and think I should take myself away from human contact. Or I'd think I was too weird for people to deal with. And if I got criticism, I'd flash back to middle school and the taunting and rejection I got there.
But by posting those feelings and getting responses, I learned that a) Babblers were not like the girls from my middle school, and b) maybe I wasn't so defective, weird, and doomed to failure in social settings. (I wish I could carry that to real life).
Attention seeking was definitely not my goal. When I seek attention I usually do it by trying to be good and helpful, because that's what I was trained to do. My times of leaving Babble were painful, even in retrospect.
I understand that not everyone's reasons for doing something are the same. And I echo Joni's thoughts that seeking attention is really not such a bad thing. Surely we all do it in some way or another. It seems a logical drive from an evolutionary standpoint.
Dinah, posting solely as myself
Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2007, at 9:10:01
In reply to Re: Intending to leave » Maria01, posted by Dinah on August 27, 2007, at 8:32:18
i also agree with Joni.
there have been times where i am so overwhelmed and quite frankly i feel like a worthless piece of s#it and feel like i'm only making things worse when i comment. but since i've had a history of S. attempts i post to tell everyone i won't be around for a while so people don't wonder.
then sometimes the comments make me feel better. they let me know that what i've said wasn't offensive or disrupting. and also make me feel like maybe i should stick around cuz it's the only support i can really get sometimes.and i'm glad people don't get upset if i say i need to leave then don't.
i personally WANT people to post this stuff, cuz then we know they're feeling bad and maybe something we say can help them feel the tinyest bit better.
b2c.
Posted by DAisym on August 27, 2007, at 10:22:56
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
I think I understand why Maria would have the question...she is (I think - I never know anymore with all the name changes)fairly new to Babble and perhaps hasn't seen the cycles the board goes through. And it seems to me that there are definate cycles. And I've wondered about the motivation for many posts over the years myself. It has taken me awhile to "bite my tongue" and not reply because there is no real gentle (or civil way) to ask "do you really mean that?" -- I hear my therapist's tone of voice when I write out that question because it is something he asks me a lot. He says it in a way that invites reflection, not defensiveness.
Just like when we get upset in therapy, where our inclination might be to quit, pull back or be quiet, I think we can get reach for those same coping mechanisms here too. And just like in therapy, we need help to sort out what we are really trying to communicate -- it might be "I'm hurting" or "I'm angry" or "someone do something-- anything to make this better!" Or it might really be "I need a break." It is tempting, I think, to want to help someone look at what they've written, to ask them, "is this old?" or "what evidence do you have to support your feelings -- and if it is minimal, is this transference?" But this is very hard to do and stay civil. Because you can't hear "tone" on Babble and posts can sound harsh or judgemental or even manipulative and that isn't the poster's intention. I write this firmly aware that this may be one of those posts that can be misconstrued. I hope it is received as intended -- not to defend any one poster or position, but rather as an historical perspective from somone who has been around this block a few times.
I'd like to suggest, under the civility guidelines as well, that the poster who feels like leaving also doesn't make assumptions about what we fellow posters can or can't handle or why we may or may not be posting to a particular thread. I sometimes am made to feel bad in that way too, because my life is getting in the way of posting time. Using I-statements may not be enough. Asking questions and being open to the answers might be better.
As always, I think every poster needs to take care of themselves, do what is safest for them and not let Babble, which is supposed to be helpful, become another hurtful endeavor.
Daisy
Posted by muffled on August 27, 2007, at 11:21:48
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
Babble casn get kinda intense sometimes, and thats just fine.
Sometimes, oftentimes I get overwhelmed by overposting.
Sometimes I get all split.
there's lotsa reasons I WANT to take a babblebreak sometimes, and sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.
OFTENtimes its others affirmations that help me be able to come back...
Cuz I get to thinking I'm an idiot, and thats why I wanto run away.
I am GLAD when people post that they are taking a break, so I don't worry.
Or I can have the opportunity to reassure them.
So I LOVE those posts, I hope all contiunue to keep each other 'on the loop', as it were.
Its GREAT communicating.
I thank SO MUCH for all your guys' support when I do my 'flounce?! ;-o ' posts.
:-)
So thats my 2 cents worth.
M
Posted by ClearSkies on August 27, 2007, at 12:05:00
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
Well, if I'm going to take a babble break, these days I try to keep things on the quiet side. So I'll just announce a departure so that nobody wonders where I've gone. And if I feel that I'm needing support, then I'm getting better at asking outright for it (even though that still feels all wrong to me). I'm also better at recognizing my own escalating behaviour, and that's been a big boon for me. Like learning to listen to myself is as hard as listening to other people.
ClearSkies
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 27, 2007, at 12:11:03
In reply to What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Maria01 on August 27, 2007, at 0:09:15
I was just feeling overwhelmed and it makes me what to run and hide sometimes.A lot of people in that same situation with a simular past understand that and help keep others "up" and not to judge their intentions, they just support unconditionally. After all that is what these boards are suppose to be about.
Which feels great especially if you never had that growing up. Sometimes "needing to leave" just means for the day,or the moment, not forever.
Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2007, at 12:26:09
In reply to Re: What is with the flounce posts? » Maria01, posted by ClearSkies on August 27, 2007, at 12:05:00
that is just so true CS.
i'm finally starting to get better at 'getting out of my head'. im trying in therapy to actually tell T what is going on in head. and that includes when i need help/support. sometimes i'll even tell her that i feel stupid for wanting hugs,. or i feel SUPER needy for asking for ANYTHING that i may need. i feel i shouldn't NEED it. and then i feel guilty.i'm happy for you CS that you are recognizing behavior better. that is SUCH a big step. and it's amazing how hard it can be for us sometimes.
Good for You.
Posted by DAisym on August 27, 2007, at 13:06:10
In reply to Re: What is with the flounce posts?, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 27, 2007, at 12:11:03
"they just support unconditionally. After all that is what these boards are suppose to be about"
I was struck by this HF. I'm not sure I agree for myself. What I love most about Babble are the wide variety of experiences and willingness to challenge me when I'm stuck. (or even not stuck.) But I'm speaking for myself here.
It makes me think that one of the "problems" I have with all the name changes is I don't know the posters as well as I use to or their styles. So it is hard to know how to respond. I really appreciate it when posters put in "be gentle" or "support please" so that we know what they need, in that moment. Maybe we need a "support only" board?
Anyway...perhaps I'm thinking too much this morning. It is, after all, a Monday.
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 27, 2007, at 13:43:11
In reply to Re: What is with the flounce posts? » Happyflower 1 :-), posted by DAisym on August 27, 2007, at 13:06:10
Hi Daisy,
I think that is a wonderful idea for a support only board. Maybe it would feel okay to ask for support then, instead of advice, which is good sometimes too, but sometimes you just want a hug.
Thanks
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 27, 2007, at 20:49:36
In reply to Yes, and..., posted by DAisym on August 27, 2007, at 10:22:56
Beautifully said, Daisy. And I, at least, was not in any way offended by it. You are right about the tone of posts being hard to get right, but I think you get it right most of the time.
Thanks!
Posted by Maria01 on August 28, 2007, at 21:56:57
In reply to Please follow civility guidelines » Maria01, posted by Deputy Dinah on August 27, 2007, at 8:18:48
I've read them previously, and I understand them clearly. It wasn't my inention to put anyone down; just pointing out something I've noticed a lot more of lately. No harm intended.
Posted by Maria01 on August 28, 2007, at 22:00:09
In reply to Re: Intending to leave » Maria01, posted by Dinah on August 27, 2007, at 8:32:18
True, the need for attention is pretty much hardwired...I guess there are more direct ways to get the input we need. As in, "this is really hard, and I really need supoort right now." vs. "I'm going away and you can't talk me out of it" and a lot of people respond. That's what I meant by 'attention-seeking"....
Posted by Maria01 on August 28, 2007, at 22:01:39
In reply to Re: What is with the flounce posts? » Maria01, posted by ClearSkies on August 27, 2007, at 12:05:00
Learning to be direct in asking for what we want and need is the best way to go..that way, the people around us be they online or in real life, are perfectly clear on what we need/want. No guesswork involved. =)
Posted by muffled on August 29, 2007, at 9:03:55
In reply to Re: Intending to leave » Dinah, posted by Maria01 on August 28, 2007, at 22:00:09
> True, the need for attention is pretty much hardwired...I guess there are more direct ways to get the input we need. As in, "this is really hard, and I really need supoort right now." vs. "I'm going away and you can't talk me out of it" and a lot of people respond. That's what I meant by 'attention-seeking"....
**Again, its not always attn seeking.
Most times I AM trying to take a break cuz I'm overwhelmed.
Its hard to stay away though...so I come back...
Hard to stay away when people are so nice to you.
This is a mental health board....I fit right in....I get emotionally labile, I get freaked, I have learned it passes mostly, but at the time I just want to run away and hide.
If you've noticed alot of running here, its cuz people are struggling.
Maybe its the moon?
M
P.S. You don't goto leave.
The written word can be confusing and is sometimes misconstrued. Happens time to time here.
Please don't feel you need to leave.
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 29, 2007, at 13:00:59
In reply to Re: Intending to leave » Maria01, posted by muffled on August 29, 2007, at 9:03:55
Thank you Muffy,
You explained it better than me. I am not sure how many times I have left and most of the time it was because I needed to walk away or I would get blocked, or I was just overwhelmed, I never I believe have done it to seek attention. In fact when anyone responds to my posts, I am actually surprised any gives a hoot. But they do, so I always come back after.
This is the end of the thread.
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