Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 778532

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Question *sex trigger*

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 10:19:20

But how can it be, that a person can tolerate sex, then later in life, be utterly devastated by it, and unable to even go there at all?
This makes no sense to me.
If a person could do it before, then why not now?
Terribly upsetting.
M

 

Re: Question *sex trigger* » muffled

Posted by RealMe on August 25, 2007, at 12:45:58

In reply to Question *sex trigger*, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 10:19:20

I guess the key is that you "tolerated" it before, and now you don't want to just tolerate it. Maybe you want to enjoy it, and how can you do this. I can't say for you, but it sounds like something for therapy for sure. Maybe I am way off base, but being devasted in the present by it says there is stuff from the past that is still there to be dealt with.

RealMe
(OzLand)

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*

Posted by JoniS on August 25, 2007, at 12:55:57

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger* » muffled, posted by RealMe on August 25, 2007, at 12:45:58

Muffled,

Isn't the human brain the WIERDEST thing? Seriously. That has happened to me, or something very similar. Maybe it's old memories that trigger new feelings or maybe it's just that we are changing all through life and we respond to things differently than before (did I just say the same thing twice?)
Anyway, I agree with Oz that its definitely worth therapy. Life's too short not to enjoy sex, especially the "O" ;)

dont give yourself a hard time. just see an expert!
Joni

 

Re: Question *sex trigger* » muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on August 25, 2007, at 13:42:55

In reply to Question *sex trigger*, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 10:19:20

This is just a guess on my part, Muffled, but I'm guessing you used to disassociate during sex or somehow divorce yourself from it. And I think you've gotten healthier, which makes the disassociation less available as a coping mechanism. I think this because that's what is happening to me with the gynecological exams. They were never comfortable, but I was able to tolerate them. Now I turn into a screaming baby. Go figure.

It's also possible that you're just way more in touch with your feelings now than you used to be. Again, part of becoming healthier. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:14:24

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger* » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 25, 2007, at 13:42:55

Sigh.
Its a tough topic, and I wouldn't even care cept for poor hubby.
But I care bout my hubby, so I spose I have to deal with it.
Therapygirl is bang on with it I think.
But TG has your t come up w/any ideas on what to do about it?
Have you any ideas on WHY?
I have wondered if its intimacy, or body image, or ?
I just don't know, but its really bad. I just can't tolerate it. I have tried. I just get really upset,I would never hit someone, but if my hubby didn't back off, I would hit him, hard. I am thinking this is in part, part of what has caused me to be so freaked lately, cus hubby been pushing a bit last little while.
I am disrurbed by it all, cuz I dunno why.
Am I just a mega prude?
Was I overinfluenced by the high school stuff where you either a slut or a tease, and therefore there's no winning?
I did have gynecological surgery when I was in my later teens, could it be that?
Could I somehow tie it into the fact I come from a family with all sisters and no brothers?
I just don't know.
But its a problem, and its getting to be more and more of a prob.
Its sorta funny how we could dissociate, but now we can't when we need to. I still do, but not necc when I need to(eg sex).
I am puzzled by so much.
Thank for your guys replies.
I may just try and get away w/hubby, so no kids around, cuz that DOES bug me, and take a goodly dose of xanax and just let 'it' happen and hope like hell I don't barf on hubby, or hurt him flinging him off the bed.
I am a middle aged woman with kids, is this ridiculous or WHAT?
M

 

LOL - sorry but u made me laugh! Good Luck w xanax (nm) » muffled

Posted by JoniS on August 25, 2007, at 15:19:45

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:14:24

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » muffled

Posted by RealMe on August 25, 2007, at 15:24:39

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:14:24

Nope it is not ridiculous. I still think that it is worth talking about in therapy. When did it start; why did you dissociate; etc etc etc. Xanax; never tried that one before. I am not sure how my husband would feel if I would have to be semiconsious to have sex. Well that is something I don't have to worry about right now.

RealMe
(OzLand)

I think I want to get my name back, but as someone else posted, I can't get it back; I think it was Happyflower.

 

I LOVE laughter, need lotsa laughter THX ;-) (nm) » JoniS

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:37:15

In reply to LOL - sorry but u made me laugh! Good Luck w xanax (nm) » muffled, posted by JoniS on August 25, 2007, at 15:19:45

 

Re: Question » RealMe

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:41:34

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » muffled, posted by RealMe on August 25, 2007, at 15:24:39

> Nope it is not ridiculous. I still think that it is worth talking about in therapy. When did it start; why did you dissociate; etc etc etc.

*ya, guess I may have to, cuz its not resolving itself.

Xanax; never tried that one before. I am not sure how my husband would feel if I would have to be semiconsious to have sex. Well that is something I don't have to worry about right now.

*sigh. I don't ever think I been all there for sex in my whole life.
I think at this point he'd take sex any way he could get it...
>
> RealMe
> (OzLand)
>
> I think I want to get my name back, but as someone else posted, I can't get it back; I think it was Happyflower.

**You can e-mail Bob, or post on admin, and he should give you your old name back. He's done it before. Good luck, cuz he's not around much...

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on August 25, 2007, at 16:32:02

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:14:24

My T has LOTS of ideas why, Muffly. LOL She says it's all related to the abuse from my childhood -- whether sexual abuse or not. She says lots of things about the abuse coming during my formative years when I was figuring out my place in my body, in the family, in the community and in the world. And that the whole process was deeply affected by the abuse. She says for me, being on the exam table in a very vulnerable position with docs who aren't listening to me just brings up every abuse response I have in me. And because it's harder for me to dissociate now, the feelings and the fury are coming out. She has to work hard not to be pleased about the whole thing -- not because she wants this to be so hard for me, but because she considers it evidence of the work we've done together. She said our task now is to try to get the adult me to take charge of that situation and help the little me feel safe and protected. And one way to do that is to insist that the doctors listen to me and to insist they give me whatever drugs are going to help that be less torturous.

The gynecological surgery you had as a teen could very well be causing this reaction, it seems to me. Or it could be some combination of things from your childhood.

For you, I'm not sure what the process of taking back control would look like. But I'm guessing it would have to do with the adult you taking charge and being in control of the pleasurable parts and putting your i-kids to bed beforehand. It would probably also have to involve your husband letting you take the lead and being in total control. I know this is really, really hard. And I believe you are going to need a T (either the one you already trust, hint, hint, or a new one) to help you figure it out. I know I couldn't do it by myself.

I'm thinking about you, though.

 

Re: Question

Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 25, 2007, at 16:56:33

In reply to Re: Question » RealMe, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 15:41:34

Muffy,

I have a feeling that surgury you had might be a lot of what is happening to you. Surgury is tramatic no matter what kind, but for that kind at that age, would almost feel like a violation at least to me. (even if it was medically nessary and they were professionals)

Plus I am sure there was some recovering pain too, I don't know what you had done, but it seems all surgury involves this. Plus the envasion of the docts looking there, even professionally, can cause those feelings especially at such a young age. I could be wrong though.
I remembered when I hit puberty at age 9 and my male peditrician looked down there, I didn't understand why at the time, I certainly wasn't prepared for anyone to look there, even a doctor. It was very awkward for me, and I remember never wanting to see him again and I am sure he was just being professional.

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » TherapyGirl

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 22:28:37

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 25, 2007, at 16:32:02

> My T has LOTS of ideas why, Muffly. LOL She says it's all related to the abuse from my childhood -- whether sexual abuse or not. She says lots of things about the abuse coming during my formative years when I was figuring out my place in my body, in the family, in the community and in the world. And that the whole process was deeply affected by the abuse. She says for me, being on the exam table in a very vulnerable position with docs who aren't listening to me just brings up every abuse response I have in me. And because it's harder for me to dissociate now, the feelings and the fury are coming out. She has to work hard not to be pleased about the whole thing -- not because she wants this to be so hard for me, but because she considers it evidence of the work we've done together.

**Oh MAN! Your t sounds like an eager beaver! Mine has said a time or two she's ready to do a happy dance!?! But thankfully she declined to ACTUALLY do so! LOL!
Sigh, vulnerable.
I rarely feel vulnerable cuz I have tricked myself into thinking I am an impenetrable fortress of toughness. I actually honestly didn't realize that I was a small person until I was in my early twenties....seriously!
Funny thing is, that sense of 'tough' was SO strong in me, that noone ever messed w/me...its rather strange really. Mind you, I always packed and was pure muscle and sinew...
Now I just bones and blubber!
Weird looking back on stuff....

She said our task now is to try to get the adult me to take charge of that situation and help the little me feel safe and protected. And one way to do that is to insist that the doctors listen to me and to insist they give me whatever drugs are going to help that be less torturous.

**awww TG, this so awful for you, I'm sorry. I wonder if they can give you some ativan just before the exam, a hefty dose at that...
Guess if they won't give you drugs, you could get weed and be massively stoned? Mind you, I been parnoid on this modern day weed, its just not the same as when I was a kid. Can your t write your doc and get you a script for ativan? You just stick it under your tongue and it melts and works pretty fast.
My mom used hypnosis for dental work...I not too happy myself w/hynosis though, unless you have someone you trust with you at all times.
I honestly dunno how your going to be able to do all the gynecological stuff w/o drugs?
Oddly, I am OK w/gynecological exams for the most part. My GP is very matter of fact, and very quick, and...well...silly, but she's small, and for that reason, not very threatening I guess.
There's only two specific points that I find hard in the exam, but rest is OK really.
Mebbe stick something, like a pic, on the ceiling, and you can dissoc yourself into the pic?
And really loud music playing on headphones?
Wish I had a magic answer for you.
>
> The gynecological surgery you had as a teen could very well be causing this reaction, it seems to me. Or it could be some combination of things from your childhood.

**dunno, mebbe. I'll say more in HF post below.
>
> For you, I'm not sure what the process of taking back control would look like. But I'm guessing it would have to do with the adult you taking charge and being in control of the pleasurable parts and putting your i-kids to bed beforehand. It would probably also have to involve your husband letting you take the lead and being in total control. I know this is really, really hard. And I believe you are going to need a T (either the one you already trust, hint, hint, or a new one) to help you figure it out. I know I couldn't do it by myself.

**I have tried that. Told kid in no uncertain terms to GO AWAY. It DID help, I have to try that again. It feels so silly and ridiculous this "kid" stuff, but its just true. I sure as hell wouldn't beleive it, unless I experienced it myownself.
ROFL!!! Hint hint!! ;-)

>
> I'm thinking about you, though.

Thanks ((TG))
Actually today started rough, but I had a pretty good evening, so that was nice.
I really appreciate your support.
Muffled

 

Re: Question**triggers** » Happyflower 1 :-)

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 22:45:13

In reply to Re: Question, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 25, 2007, at 16:56:33

> Muffy,

**Thanks for posting HF, I know you got alot on your mind right now...

> I have a feeling that surgury you had might be a lot of what is happening to you. Surgury is tramatic no matter what kind, but for that kind at that age, would almost feel like a violation at least to me. (even if it was medically nessary and they were professionals)

**I wasn't that young really, maybe 16-17 or so, my mother wasn't involved so i must have been a certain age, at least 17 cuz I think I could drive then? can't remember for sure.

> Plus I am sure there was some recovering pain too, I don't know what you had done, but it seems all surgury involves this. Plus the envasion of the docts looking there, even professionally, can cause those feelings especially at such a young age. I could be wrong though.

**No doubt it was uncomfortable...for recovery, I had to digitally stretch the tissue after surgery so it would not just scar up totally, so that was embarrassing...

> I remembered when I hit puberty at age 9 and my male peditrician looked down there, I didn't understand why at the time, I certainly wasn't prepared for anyone to look there, even a doctor. It was very awkward for me, and I remember never wanting to see him again and I am sure he was just being professional.

**Age NINE! Ouch, thats young. I don't remember when I started, but definately not 9.
I was never examed until I was 16 or so, but it was at my own request, cuz I couldn't use tampons, so I went to GP to find out why. I did blank out on that exam, I have no recall, other than looking at boxes of free trial packs of drugs in her office and wondering if any of them were worthy of stealing to get high...
Entirely(probably) possible I was high and/or drunk for the exam as well. I remember getting drunk to goto doc.
She sent me to gyn, I remember her being amazed that I could mensturate at all and wanted to show some students?!?! Can you IMAGINE???? LOL! Anyhow, I don't remember if she went and got them or not, I must have left at that point.
I was proly drunk then too.
So I was well "medicated" LOL, so i'm not sure if it was traumatic or not !
It WOULD have been traumatic if I was un'medicated', and only nine years old :-(, but by 16 I had a pretty clear understanding of 'stuff', so no big surprizes.
The more I think about it, the more I think that must have been SO hard for you HF, esp given the 'mother'(so called) that you had.
((HF))
Take care,
Muffled


 

Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on August 26, 2007, at 8:05:54

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 22:28:37

I only have a minute, but Muffled you're a genius. I don't know why it never occurred to me to take my MP3 player to exams. I still won't do it without drugs, but I think some kind of mild antianxiety drug and my music might just do the trick.

THANK YOU!

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » TherapyGirl

Posted by muffled on August 26, 2007, at 10:08:50

In reply to Re: Question *sex trigger*-all yous guys » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 26, 2007, at 8:05:54

A genius eh!
Now THATS funny, I never been all that smart really, but I'll run with this ;-)
Mild antianxiety might not cut it? Mebbe OK?, but still, a hefty dose is proly the way to go, cuz antianxiety take a bit to work, mebbe xanax kicks in in about 20 mins-1/2 hr for me.
Once you get into the triggers, they can escalate so quickly, that then its too late, thats why I was leaning toward ativan cuz it works pretty fast....
I hope it all turns out to not be too bad. Maybe when your more ready mentally, and you can think of us babblers supporting you, mebbe it can be OK.
Take care,
M

 

Re: Question *sex trigger*

Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2007, at 9:05:09

In reply to Question *sex trigger*, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 10:19:20

Muffled, sorry i late on response. i know you got a lot of good advice from others...i'll just talk and you can ignore if you want.

i dont' know for you but for me i'm in a different 'state' when with DH. ok, don't laugh but sometimes if i want closeness but don't feel completely ''there', when i'm with DH i picture myself an actress in a love scene and do what i think she'd do...(though i don't recommend doing this if you don't really want to be there-then it not good for you).
before i got the flood of memories back, i think i just repressed everything. since memories have come back its a little trickier. but DH is just SO different than anyone else i've known...he's VERY caring in bed. he's gentle (cuz i have physical pain with sex) and slow. also, if i need to stop he does...all this and he really doesn't know ANY of my history or what i'm going through!
with others before him...well, i guess i felt if i initiate it, then they can't 'take' it from me and hurt me. expect nothing in return and you won't get hurt. and did i mention i don't think i had sober sex till i was 5 years into marriage?? ya probably not that healthy....and i still need a good buzz once and a while to do it.

sorry i did have to laugh at the picture of your poor hubby flying off the bed-i pictured him doing a double flip and landing upsidown, hehe. sorry.

but seriously...
Muffy. this is NOT ridiculous. this is your feelings. you have EVERY right to them. and if you are that upset by sex. please dont force yourself to do it. last time i did that i SI'd VERY severely. its not healthy.

and certainly your surgery would have something to do with your feelings. heck i had a hard enough time with my child's birth at age 33...i can't imagine an invasive procedure when i was younger.

***********************
i agree with you about this 'kid' stuff. sometimes i feel so silly 'talking to her'...but i did this by myself for the first time this weekend...and i can't believe it but it worked. its hard, and its weird because they are becoming more and more prominent outside therapy.
i'm sorry you have your 'kid's', but i'm also glad not to be so alone with this.

please take care muffy.


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