![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 7 to 31 of 31. Go back in thread:
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 18:25:14
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by JoniS on August 22, 2007, at 13:04:59
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 18:36:29
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by JoniS on August 22, 2007, at 13:04:59
I sent T fax.
Said sorry for hang up etc
Said I was messed but would cope.
Said I got no words.
Said I just wanted to know she was ok and well and all that. thats all I wanted to know.
Ummmmm
but
at the end, I wondered if they had call display, and I said if you do, then I think its kinda tacky....
Manoman
WHY why did I have to say that? I agree with the statement, but why did i say it in that fax?
I boggle my mind.
Then I was thinking later
WHY do I care so much just to hear she OK.
Then I thot, I bet its just she still kinda like a rock of safeness somehow in my mind or something, so I just wanto know the rock hasn't sunk.
That and I just care bout her anyhow cuz she's nice.
And I been thinking WHY does she let me call her? and call back? (hasn't called since she left message but proly will, if she don't forget, which she has in the past, so I not holding my breath...
I think she just is nice and knew how bad I'd get worried all the time bout her dumping me, and so she not dumping me, and lets me call. Cuz she's nice. She says she cares bout me, but proly finds me more annoying than anything...but still 'cares' per se.
Guess I goto find a T. I am not doing so well.
Don't wanna.
Expensive and hard to find right one.
Gonna have to get a p/t job when kids get into school. Then I can have T.
Just hope things don't go to terribly wrong in the meantime.
I think once I get back into the school routine I will do much better.
Rammble ramble
ramble
Mebbe I say too much.
Thats partly the prob. Earlier I exposed too much.
But nuttin bads happened, so mebbe its OK?
Protection wasn't pleased.
Oh well.
Lost in space.
That should be my name.
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19
In reply to Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine., posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:56:31
You should definitely do what you need to do to be safe, Muffled. And we will (quietly) stand or sit beside you. Okay?
And if you're taking votes, I'm guessing your T is not mad at you -- I'm guessing she'd like to help. And I think you should let her. But I'll support whatever decision you make. Because I trust you.
I'm right here with you, Muffly.
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:18:14
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19
Posted by DAisym on August 22, 2007, at 23:36:09
In reply to saga continues, posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 18:36:29
I'm sorry you've had a rough day. Why do you need to find a new therapist? It seems to me that you have a really nice one already? Just my 2 cents.
It is OK to call and hang up when you are surprised. I've done it myself. And yes, felt silly but I was so surprised, it was just a reaction! OK - true confession, After I hung up, I called the other office because I knew that there I would get the machine. - ug, how silly is that?! So don't feel bad.
I think almost all phones have caller ID anymore. Certainly all cell phones do. I think it is standard.
I hope you find a way out of the closet soon. It is nice outside in the sunshine.
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19
On chat, I said something that caught my thots...(and Falls')
It is interesting, the kid saying, she not gonna say NOTHING to T, so adamantly…
I can figger its proly about the T saying, ‘I’m here for you’ business. Rational adult has understanding of the reality of what that means, and of course is fine w/it. But kid don’t get it. She takes it literally, which, now that I think about it, DOES makes sense, cuz she IS a kid. I have SUCH a hard time grasping that concept. But I dunno how to explain to her that’s not the way it is. And mebbe it seems not fair, but T can‘t be there all the time, she has to know that, and know that T HASN’T dumped us yet (miraculously…), so she IS there for us, just not 24/7, that is just not possible(nor would I want it, we‘d get awful sick of each other I suspect!!!). Guess the other thing is that nebulous, ‘need’ thing that Daisy was talking about, kid wants SOMEthing, but be damned if I know what. Mebbe its goto do w/that gross love word. Yuk. Ewwwwwwww.As for WHY I am quitting T...lotsa people asking...
I think T doesn’t know what to do, and kid is VERY sensitive to all vibes…so she don’t trust T.
T did try and talk to kid, but it felt awkward, cuz I think kid picked up on vibes from T that she was struggling. Cuz its new to T this stuff, and she game to try anything if it works, but kid picked up vibes and ran away.
Guess the other thing bout T is that she is good and kind and intrepid, but, if she don’t know, she don’t know. She is not God, not psychic, she a woman who’s had some training, a fair amt of varied experience, but not with a client as split as myself. She said so.
The other prob is she backs off at the slightest dissociation on my part. She seems to back off from my protection. I think she gets taken aback at it. I dunno really why she backs off so.
And I kept throwing PAGES of important stuff at her(faxes), cuz I wouldn’t talk, but I expect it was hard for her to reconcile the written words with the physical person cuz they SO diff. And there was SO much every week. Too much. And so so much stuff would never get talked about and would pass by. And we kinda desperately hit and miss talking bout stuff, and as ever I couldn’t speak well. And if it got tough, away I’d go to other lands, or rush off to the bathroom to curse myself into a safe place in my head. And sometimes my protection would turn on me, for being stupid and saying or almost allowing disallowed things.
And my T tried SO hard to try and set agenda at the beginning of each session (after spending 15 mins calming me down), but I get nervous and can’t think, so we finally started to go thru faxes…but too much info, we overwhelmed w/stuff.
So I think she was frustrated and me too.
We just getting bogged.
I won’t trust any further appaerently.
I too scared to hurt T.
I too ashamed of my craziness.
Guess I still kinda scared she will think less of me, though she says she won’t.
And ya, guess I scared of myself, of whats within.
I chickenshit
Stuck.
Time to quit.
She seem to think I’ll do OK.
Mebbe I will.
She's the one who suggested stretching out sessions to 1/mo.
But its SO hard sometimes.
Too hard.
Sucks.
And my sweet irl children are paying the price…
And hubby…
He sad that I am 1000 miles away…
Nother thing, I don't thin T 'gets' being afraid of physical contact and mating type stuff...I think she not totally comfortable w/talking bout it really, but that could be me, but she too much like a sister for me to say 'stuff' to her. I never talk bout that kinda stuff to noone B4. I never talk much of anything I said to T before.
Its all wrong and I don’t know what to do.
And I ashamed that T will be disappointed I not doing better. She worked SO hard.
And I don’t ever want to make her feel bad.
And I NEVER want to be considered a pain in the *ss.
And I esp. don't wanto be rejected by her cuz she knows some stuff bout me, and if she rejects me, then I AM a gross leper who should die then.
And there’s hurt inside but I dunno what to do w/it cuz I not allowed to have certain emotions regarding myself.
Sometimes I really wish I HAD shot myself…..
But mostly I am glad I didn’t, or my beautiful babies wouldn’t have been born.
So now I don’t consider it an option.
Cuz I want to goto heaven and see my kids one day.
So, as my T used to say...your not as crazy as you think you are,
and I'd say,
I think I'm crazier than you realize.
Does any of this make ANY sense????
M
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 0:00:18
In reply to ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers), posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
me just say it.
I won't get mad.
I wish people would just say stuff so I could know and not pussyfoot round me.
I am desparate to figger out whats going on cuz i don't feel very good.
Thats all.
I appreciate all the support and ideas people ahve given me.
Thank you.
M
Posted by meeple on August 23, 2007, at 4:53:07
In reply to ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers), posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
Hey Muffled,
Sounds like your therapist is very kind and compassionate and understanding with you. That must be fairly frightening if another human being hasn't really been that way with you before. Sometimes I think that when people respond to me like that it hurts more than helps because it just makes it more apparent to me that I really haven't had very much of that in my life. So, I guess it is understandable that you would struggle a lot with your therapist being so kind.
Shame is hard. I feel quite disgusted with myself a lot, and it sounds like you are too. Find yourself to be deeply flawed and unacceptable and damaged and repulsive in some way. One idea is that if our parents (or early attachment figures) aren't very responsive to us, or if they actively persecute us, then we grow up thinking that there must be something wrong with us. I wonder sometimes if that feeling will ever go away. Sometimes when people treat me kindly I just can't believe it. Can't believe that it will last, thats for sure. Won't take long for them to figure that I'm comtaminated and disgusting.
Sounds like you have a lot of tender feelings for your therapist. That you think she is a lovely person who has tried really hard to help you. That she has been patient with you. And you worry that you will contaminate her or hurt her in some way. And so, if you really care about her as you do, then maybe the best thing to do is to back off and leave her alone so you don't hurt her? I wonder if the part of you that wants to avoid her and leave her alone is worried about damaging or hurting her. Part of the worry might be that you don't deserve her niceness. Another part of the worry might be that you will hurt her and so in order to protect her you think you have to back off.
But... If you back off from her then that will probably hurt her more. I guess one could say that a short term hurt and failure to understand why is better than the long term hurt if you kept seeing her. If one has had experiences with the incompetent protector then it can be hard to comprehend a different ending where your therapist might be able to show you about competent protectors. It might be that your therapist is venturing out with you not having dealt with someone who dissociates so severely before. But then it might be that your therapist really cares about you and that that genuine caring is precisely what will be curative and healing for you.
I'm not sure how you will feel about this... But I'll give you a link to a page that has some really good articles. I'm not sure how you will feel about reading them, but the idea is that this is one way that treatment for your kind of condition can proceed. If your therapist feels a little lost it might be that she isn't so sure what is needed. The link might be reassuring to her because it might well be that it tells her (and you) that you are heading on the right track. And so... Persistence might well pay off in the end.
Anyway... I just wanted to say that.
xxx
Take care.
Miss you.
You and all the muffled ones...Sorry people.
Take care.http://www.johnbriere.com/articles.htm
(Scroll down to 'chapters' and you can download the following text):
Briere, J. (2002). Treating adult survivors of severe childhood abuse and neglect: Further development of an integrative model. In J.E.B. Myers, L. Berliner, J. Briere, T. Reid, & C. Jenny (Eds.). The APSAC handbook on child maltreatment, 2nd Edition. Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications. [click here to download]
Posted by JoniS on August 23, 2007, at 7:33:12
In reply to ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers), posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
Muffled,
I think meeple gave a lot of good insight.
Take a look at Dinah's last entry (8/22) above on "I think I was rude today..." Notice that she said
*** ...I'll admit that the first five years of my therapy were spent testing my therapist and seeing if he was emotionally safe. Emotional safety is not something I ever even thought possible until him. In those five years, I probably appeared worse rather than better...*
My point is just that it can take a long time to get real trust built and that could be the most beneficial component in your (our, my) growth & healing.
I know you know all this, but I believe more and more that the T-client relationship is what cures us, much more than their "expertise" with a particular method of t. As long as a T is staying w/in profesional ethics and not causing any harm there is probably growth going on that is not necessarily obvious to us in the short term. I believe that long term - trust relationships are not just beneficial but probably NECESSARY for real growth.
In other words, and just my 2 cents, it might be most beneficial if you hang in there with this T. That said, I realize this is not easy to know what to do, and we are all different.
Best of thoughts for you!
Take Care
Joni
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 23, 2007, at 19:04:17
In reply to Ya, and if anybody got something to point out to, posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 0:00:18
Okay, no pussy-footin', Muffled.
I think you are very close to figuring out a lot of things about your i-kids and your life and your childhood. And my gut feeling is that you got too close to that truth in therapy and it completely freaked you out. You feel burned by the fire of the knowledge. And so you have put all these roadblocks to therapy in place, I suspect because your i-kids are still trying to protect you. But they're kids and they don't always know the best way to protect adults. They did the best they could with what resources they had available when you were a child, but I'm thinking they are holding you back now with their fear. So if there is any way to share some of this with your T and keep working with her, little by little, I think you will figure a lot of things out.
I won't be mad if you think I'm totally off base or if this is too upsetting for you to consider. But you asked for frankness and I am usually nothing if not frank.
I've also said this before and I'll say it again -- I trust you to make the right decision for yourself and I'll support whatever decision you make.
((((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 20:41:16
In reply to Re: Ya, and if anybody got something to point out to » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 23, 2007, at 19:04:17
and I thank you.
I love straighforwardness!
Great post!
Muffled
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:01:10
In reply to Re: saga continues » muffled, posted by DAisym on August 22, 2007, at 23:36:09
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32
In reply to Trust, posted by meeple on August 23, 2007, at 4:53:07
> Hey Muffled,
**Hey!!! :-) and thank you.
>
> Sounds like your therapist is very kind and compassionate and understanding with you. That must be fairly frightening if another human being hasn't really been that way with you before. Sometimes I think that when people respond to me like that it hurts more than helps because it just makes it more apparent to me that I really haven't had very much of that in my life. So, I guess it is understandable that you would struggle a lot with your therapist being so kind.**I'm sorry you understand this :-(
>
> Shame is hard. I feel quite disgusted with myself a lot, and it sounds like you are too. Find yourself to be deeply flawed and unacceptable and damaged and repulsive in some way. One idea is that if our parents (or early attachment figures) aren't very responsive to us, or if they actively persecute us, then we grow up thinking that there must be something wrong with us. I wonder sometimes if that feeling will ever go away. Sometimes when people treat me kindly I just can't believe it. Can't believe that it will last, thats for sure. Won't take long for them to figure that I'm comtaminated and disgusting.*EXACTLY. My T has worked w/me to try and prove false that I am a gross leper, and now I mostly beleive that, but.....there's atill a part deep inside, that still thinks it true. I can't acess that part.
I think its big thing for me, that makes me run away from T, I am afraid she will find out that I really AM in fact gross, after all her work trying to get me to beleive I am not.
I have started to read that paper you linked to. Its complicated, but I am starting to get it. I'm gonna mebbe take a copy to my T (ex T?) and I'll highlight parts, and then we can talk in abstract terms bout the paper and not about me. I can talk OK if I am in clinical mode and not talking bout me.
>
> Sounds like you have a lot of tender feelings for your therapist. That you think she is a lovely person who has tried really hard to help you. That she has been patient with you. And you worry that you will contaminate her or hurt her in some way. And so, if you really care about her as you do, then maybe the best thing to do is to back off and leave her alone so you don't hurt her? I wonder if the part of you that wants to avoid her and leave her alone is worried about damaging or hurting her. Part of the worry might be that you don't deserve her niceness. Another part of the worry might be that you will hurt her and so in order to protect her you think you have to back off.**I am less afraid of hurting than I once was, but I still worry. I used to ask her regularly, are you afraid of me? But I don't ask her that no more. If I were to continue to see her, then mebbe I would get scared of contaminating her again. Part of me just DOES NOT GET????I mean ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT GET?????????????WHY????????????????? she persists in being nice to me. I just can't comprehend it. I just can't. It is beyond me. And yes, the longer she's around me, and the more she invests in me, then the more likely it is that eventually, I will hurt her, proly not physically, but in my leperous way I will somehow suck her dry or something...
>
> But... If you back off from her then that will probably hurt her more. I guess one could say that a short term hurt and failure to understand why is better than the long term hurt if you kept seeing her. If one has had experiences with the incompetent protector then it can be hard to comprehend a different ending where your therapist might be able to show you about competent protectors. It might be that your therapist is venturing out with you not having dealt with someone who dissociates so severely before. But then it might be that your therapist really cares about you and that that genuine caring is precisely what will be curative and healing for you.**I don't think it would hurt her for me to back off, if I did it quietly....she's a very busy person....
Sigh....I read that last bit....and honestly...it scares the crap out of me. Not sure why.
>
> I'm not sure how you will feel about this... But I'll give you a link to a page that has some really good articles. I'm not sure how you will feel about reading them, but the idea is that this is one way that treatment for your kind of condition can proceed. If your therapist feels a little lost it might be that she isn't so sure what is needed. The link might be reassuring to her because it might well be that it tells her (and you) that you are heading on the right track. And so... Persistence might well pay off in the end.**yeah....she does alot of the stuff in the article you linked too. She seems to be pretty gifted at just doing stuff, even if she don't know why exactly....
>
> Anyway... I just wanted to say that.
> xxx
> Take care.
> Miss you.
> You and all the muffled ones...**Damn, I miss you being around too. It sucks. But I'll leave it at that.
Thanks so much for posting this, I REALLY appreciate it, and I hope it don't cost you too much trouble with darn old Bob :-(
You've helped me lots y'know, and I have passed what you taught me to others, the ripples of goodness are spreading.
Thanks.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 23:43:16
In reply to Re: Trust » meeple, posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 0:00:52
In reply to Re: Trust » meeple, posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32
and anuther thing is I can't say nuttin to her anyhow. I can't, i won't so there's no point in going back anyhow.
And I think she DON'T want me back, she WANTS me to terminate cuz I TOO much for her and so she don't wanto deal with me.
But it all don't matter cuz i can't say, and I DON"T KNOW anyways. I DON'T.
I only know what I feel and I don't like it and so i don't go there and I dunno what to do.
SH*T.
YA SH*T
SH*T SH*T SH*T
:-(
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 2:43:06
In reply to yeah, posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 0:00:52
sent T e-mail w/link to this thread.
Sink or swim babe.
I don't care.
Dunno if the mail even went thru.
I such a sh*thead cuz she got happy doins going on at home from what I can gather.
And I just a idiot.
Mebbe she'll dump me and that'd be best,
crap mebbe she'll read this.
Ha, just in case she does ROFL
Hiya T !
Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it.
I feel drunk.
Not but it feels that way.
I wonder if I've overposted and Bob gonna come and get me and banish me.
That'd suit me fine, cept it wouldn't, I'd miss you guys.
I feel alone.
Oh well.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Mebbe I'll have all this crap in my head stowed by then, and I can pretend it was just a dream and I the most well adjusted person you could ever meet.
Mebbe I'll just wake up in that mode.
Wish me luck.
G'nightall.
M
Posted by sunnydays on August 24, 2007, at 7:54:32
In reply to hmmm, done it now...., posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 2:43:06
(((((muffled)))))
I hope you're feeling better today. You know, none of that stuff you said about yourself is true. And I'm being totally honest. It's ok to be scared - T is scary! I get scared of going to T plenty of times, I just typically can't find words to post about it if I am. I don't think your T wants to terminate you. I think it sounds like you might have some stuff you still could work on - like thinking you're gross, which, whatever happened to you, you are NOT.
Take care of yourself,
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 24, 2007, at 8:17:49
In reply to yeah, posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 0:00:52
muffled,
I have to admit that I'm not going to be able to offer much enlightenment.I just wanted to point out a few things
1) you're not a leper. You have beautiful children.
2) your death would not accomplish anything. It would be a loss to humanity
3) at many levels you GET IT. Whatever IT is.
4) maybe you're not meant to understand it yet. Maybe it's just too big to wrap your head around
5) keep picking away at chunks and bits and the whole picture will gradually take shape
6) bouncing back to you something you said to me: it took a long time to get here, it will take a long time to heal
7 and another thing- been here for 16 mos, and you've made HUGE progress. You've been able to establish trust. Maybe not 100% trust but this is a VERY high standard to hold yourself too.
8) your distressing symptom of self-injury is really getting better.
9) you've learned some coping mechanisms that help you with stress and strife. the cave. the stream
10) you listen with an open heart. When Fallsfall challenges you (she is a very smart challenger, btw- somehow manages to make you think deeper without becoming defensive!) you listened with an open heart, and took the words to a deeper level.
11) you are my friend muffled. I hate to see you hurt, but if this is part of your path, we should embrace it with open arms.
12) you are earth, and these feelings are weather. Your atmosphere will be windy and cloudy and rainy, but sometimes there are rainbows, and the sun shines and gives life. The rain comes and nourishes the flowers, and sweeps away the bad stuff, even if it's miserable to go outside on a rainy day. Even rain can be a blessing.your friend,
-Ll
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 9:02:01
In reply to Re: hmmm, done it now.... » muffled, posted by sunnydays on August 24, 2007, at 7:54:32
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 9:06:32
In reply to progress » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 24, 2007, at 8:17:49
> muffled,
> I have to admit that I'm not going to be able to offer much enlightenment.
>
> I just wanted to point out a few things
> 1) you're not a leper. You have beautiful children.
> 2) your death would not accomplish anything. It would be a loss to humanity
> 3) at many levels you GET IT. Whatever IT is.
> 4) maybe you're not meant to understand it yet. Maybe it's just too big to wrap your head around
> 5) keep picking away at chunks and bits and the whole picture will gradually take shape
> 6) bouncing back to you something you said to me: it took a long time to get here, it will take a long time to heal
> 7 and another thing- been here for 16 mos, and you've made HUGE progress. You've been able to establish trust. Maybe not 100% trust but this is a VERY high standard to hold yourself too.
> 8) your distressing symptom of self-injury is really getting better.
> 9) you've learned some coping mechanisms that help you with stress and strife. the cave. the stream
> 10) you listen with an open heart. When Fallsfall challenges you (she is a very smart challenger, btw- somehow manages to make you think deeper without becoming defensive!) you listened with an open heart, and took the words to a deeper level.
> 11) you are my friend muffled. I hate to see you hurt, but if this is part of your path, we should embrace it with open arms.
> 12) you are earth, and these feelings are weather. Your atmosphere will be windy and cloudy and rainy, but sometimes there are rainbows, and the sun shines and gives life. The rain comes and nourishes the flowers, and sweeps away the bad stuff, even if it's miserable to go outside on a rainy day. Even rain can be a blessing.
>
> your friend,
> -Ll**A genuine Llurpylist, and for ME !
Thanks Ll, that was good of you spending the time to write this, and I am reading , and hearing.
Moostly I am just so tired, I don't like some of my thots.
But i am busily stowing it all away, so it'll be OK.
I am OK, always am. My mantra.
Since you started this list, mebbe I will add to it good things too.
But later , I am tired.
Mebbe I can start a 10 thread. Thats always good.
Ll, you a good friend.
M
Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 0:41:38
In reply to Re: progress » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 9:06:32
I am trying to figger out why I screwed up.
Punish?
Trying to return from space, where I presently reside?
I think thems the two.
Kicking my *ss so much.
Trying to remember what T always told me.
She say there's ups and downs.
And if you screw up, its OK.
You just keep going, and you move forward again.
Thats a good thing to think of.
But,
I still feel like a piece of crap.
Loser.
Nut head.
Sicko.
My stomach hurts.
Mebbe I got a bug.
Dunno.
Still tired,
a nd going further out to space.
My endeavor punished perhaps, but didn't bring me back.
Now I goto hide it :-(
Wonder where Littleone is?
She was good a knowing how to come back.
Or something.
I am robot.
Someones crying inside of me.
Dunno why?
Weird.
Thats all I can say.
I am firmly entrenched in my sphere.
I dunno why I writing this even.
Cept mebbe I feel a little less alone.
Mebbe here I can be real.
IRL I goto pretend its all right.
Its tiring.
My kids know.
I think I f*cking up.
Not sure.
So hard to tell.
Wished I had a big house, and babblers could get together, and we could all just be who we are at any given point in time.
And it would be OK.
We could walk up to a friend and say 'I hurt',' touch me,but don't touch me, cuz it'll send me further away', and they would understand. And not think I crazy, or bad, or dumb, or something...
My higher power used to help. But i lost Him...
Now I got nothing.
Hollow empty space.
So much for good old muffled.
She turned out to be a world class idiot eh?
Eternal dissapointment should be my new name.
And tomorrows a new day.
Wake up, make myself get up,
Firmly work on affixing my mask, and spend the rest of the day readjusting it, so noone notices that its just a mask.
Who am I fooling?
Sorry I such a negative drag.
But I thot I'd try laying it out here, and see if it helps or not. Cuz I getting desprate.
Seroquel, sleepyniess, munchies, weight gain.....here I come.
Mebbe.
For now, a bunch a xanax to knock me out.
I'm not very supportive am I?
Sorry.
Sorry I so dissapointing and negative and not helpful.
Best wishes to all you guys.
Hope things go OK for everybody.
I'll be OK.
I always am.
I hope.
M
Posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2007, at 10:18:13
In reply to I guess I screwed up, am I alone? GUYS? :-(, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 0:41:38
You didn't screw up at all muffly. I just didn't check Babble last night I don't think. You are just fine. Keep repeating that to yourself. Here are some touching-but-not-touching hugs, just like you asked for:
((((((((muffled)))))))))
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 10:22:02
In reply to Re: I guess I screwed up, am I alone? GUYS? :-( » muffled, posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2007, at 10:18:13
Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2007, at 8:11:17
In reply to I guess I screwed up, am I alone? GUYS? :-(, posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 0:41:38
oh...muffy...sorry i couldn't respond earlier.
you sound like you are hurting an awful lot...just because you make a mistake doesn't make you a screw up.
and sometimes it doesn't matter why 'someone'' is crying inside...they're sad. they want comfort, i'm here for them.its makes things SO much harder when we have to pretend it's alright IRL. sometimes i swear that is what makes me take one step forward and two back.
if only we didn't have to pretend no more.and if you had that big house...i'd be there in a heartbeat. sometimes i feel that the only place i can really be 'myself' is when i'm alone. :(
and i SO know what you mean about saying you hurt, you want touch but sometimes even though you think you want it, getting it is another story. for me i think it's cuz i never got it growing up, so i want it, but when i do i almost am scared of it...makes me afraid (what's next, what do they want...etc.)
and i'm sorry you feel you lost your higher power, but i bet he didn't loose you.....
you NOT dissapointment
you NOT idiot...
you NOT any of those terrible things you called muffled....she is surprising
she is wonderfully unique
she is caring
she is hurt....i'm here for you muffled. i will be your rock when you cannot.
and you may be OK...but that doens't mean you aren't hurting and deserve cares.......just for you muffled
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((muffled))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted by muffled on August 27, 2007, at 11:01:29
In reply to Re: I guess I screwed up, am I alone? GUYS? :-( » muffled, posted by B2chica on August 27, 2007, at 8:11:17
Thanks so much.
I'll read this post of yours when I feel alone.
Means alot.
Nice/sad that you understand.
Y'know?
Hope you hanging in OK
Muffled
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