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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 11:33:08
I am almost embarrassed to write this when I see what I consider so many horrible therapists that people are or have seen. I am having a really difficult time and have been feeling suicidal on and off. It is related to a work situaion that I would prefer not to get into here. I am feeling so anxious, etc, and I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. My memory is not the best either since I stopped ECT the end of March. It is a lot better, but still problems that don't really affect my work, though.
Anyway, I had started to work on abuse issues that I tried to work on with previous T, but he didn't know what he was doing, and I got worse emotionally, hence the recommendation for ECT. I got my new pdoc/therapist who is a psychoanalyst as well, and he is wonderful. We could only meet once this week, after a week and a half not seeeing him (we meet twice per week), and he told me yesterday he will be gone the next two Fridays. I am in such a panic as things will come to a head next week I think at work after I see him on Wednesday. I can email him, but it's not the same. Friday he wondered if I should be in the hospital due to feeling suicidal on and off, and I said no. I am not planning on killing myself, but it seems to become an obsession that scares me at times, and because I tend to dissociate too, I am afraid I could do something without even realizing it. Not likely, though.
So I sent him an email last night about the theme song from MASH and my love of wolves and how I would I would love to go to the wilderness to die, and the wolves can have me then. He wrote back asking me to tell him what number to call him at today because he wants to talk to me. I emailed him back that I did not want him to call me and to please leave me alone, that I am feeling ashamed, which I am. I wish I had not sent the email, and sometimes when I do stuff like that, it is as if it is not the competent me who has a professional job and does very well at work. Now I am so anxious about this AND next week that I can hardly breathe. I would really like some input.
I wrote
Posted by Phillipa on July 7, 2007, at 11:50:31
In reply to Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 11:33:08
I think you should at least talk with him he may be able to help you sort out things. Love Phillipa
Posted by Honore on July 7, 2007, at 13:25:40
In reply to Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 11:33:08
Hi, Ozland. I'm not sure what you're ashamed of.
You're having a really hard time, and he's not going to be available as you'd expected, especially as your work crisis comes to a head. It's very difficult to see your T before something that's crucial, and know that you won't be able to talk to him afterward.
Right now, he doesn't know you as well as he will and may be trying to find his footing about your suicidal feelings and thoughts. So he may be reacting in a very caring, but overly concerned way-- but that's really okay. It's important for you to let him know where you are, and for him to make various attempts to learn how to help you through that.
So emailing him-- and regretting it-- and his expressing concern, which I guess you aren't used to, and which you feel you may not "deserve"-- are all part of that. You do deserve the concern, and you need to test, too, how much he can handle, and how he reacts to various things, where his limits are-- all that.
So I know it's frightening-- because testing limits and not knowing a person's feelings about things are frightening. But you aren't doing anything wrong or bad. It's all part of that process. It's good, really, to be taking risks-- even if the minute you press the send button, you regret it, and begin to tell yourself it was all wrong-- and then perhaps to feel panicky about what might happen.
(Sorry to go on so long-- but I'm hoping I'm somewhere near what your concerns are.)
Try to be a little kinder to yourself-- you're been through so much, and really can't expect not to feel despairing at times, and abandoned, and lost. I think he'll understand you better over time-- and you'll trust and understand him better too.
Sorry this is such a hard time though, with his absences and your pressure and concerns at work.
Honore
Posted by Poet on July 7, 2007, at 18:02:53
In reply to Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 11:33:08
Hi OzLand,
If I were you I would email my T and let him know you're okay, so he doesn't worry. That might make the wait until you see again be a little less stressful. I've left plenty of voicemails to my T that I'm later ashamed of. Emails, too. Let her read poems. Lots of self inflicted shame.
When I was majorly suicidal my T was calling me everyday just to make sure I was okay. She wanted me to go inpatient, but I refused which I know really worried her.
It's hard to allow someone to care about me, and maybe that's something you have trouble with, too. My T keeps telling me that I cannot control her feelings for me no matter how hard I try to. That of course, doesn't stop me from feeling guilty that she cares about me.
Take care. Post and let us know how you are.
Poet
Posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 20:50:33
In reply to Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 11:33:08
I emailed my therapist today and told him I was embarrassed and ashamed, etc, and I told him that I feel like I am different people sometimes and that he doesn't see the competent professional that I am at work. He knows this already, I think, given my background and training and the fact that we were at a workshop together right after I started seeing him. Of course I didn't behave like a ditz there. Anyway, I wrote him that I know I am not like the separate entitities that did not always know what happened back when I was in treatment a number of years ago, but I still act like the different parts of me at times and then feel stupid. He already knows this, though. He wrote back to me and told me to stay safe and take care of myself as he knows I have a difficult and strenuous week ahead of me. I wrote back and thanked him and said I would see him on Wednesday.
My previous therapist who recommended ECT was not like him at all and used to get angry with me about things and if I got angry with him. Years ago I was in therapy with someone who never got angry with me even when I acted really, really horrible or when I regressed or dissociated or whatever. I think my current therapist is going to be that way too. I just don't like for him to see the "sick" side of me. Silly I know as why else would I be going to him. I work in the field and trained at what was the best psychiatric training site in the country at the time, and so it is difficult for me to accept help and to let him see stuff about me that is not the competent side.
Posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 21:06:08
In reply to Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 20:50:33
Oops I misquoted him. Here is what he said:
Please be safe and take good care of yourself; you’ll need your strength next week.
JVMD
Posted by muffled on July 9, 2007, at 22:06:08
In reply to Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 20:50:33
>I am not planning on killing myself, but it seems to become an obsession that scares me at times, and because I tend to dissociate too, I am afraid I could do something without even realizing it. Not likely, though.
**Hmmm, not likely. Proly not, but do you lose time? Please be careful.
>So I sent him an email last night about the theme song from MASH and my love of wolves and how I would I would love to go to the wilderness to die, and the wolves can have me then.
**thats my theme for dying too. Just walk into the wilderness and not come back...
He wrote back asking me to tell him what number to call him at today because he wants to talk to me. I emailed him back that I did not want him to call me and to please leave me alone, that I am feeling ashamed, which I am. I wish I had not sent the email, and sometimes when I do stuff like that, it is as if it is not the competent me who has a professional job and does very well at work. Now I am so anxious about this AND next week that I can hardly breathe. I would really like some input.
**xanax??
And I understand wanting to be left alone.
There's so many times when I wish my T would call, then she does, and it feels intrusive, but then I wish I could have talked, but usu I can't... sigh.
> I emailed my therapist today and told him I was embarrassed and ashamed, etc, and I told him that I feel like I am different people sometimes and that he doesn't see the competent professional that I am at work.*I used to say this sort of thing to my T. That the muffled she sees insn't the muffled that usu presents to the world...
>He knows this already, I think, given my background and training and the fact that we were at a workshop together right after I started seeing him. Of course I didn't behave like a ditz there. Anyway, I wrote him that I know I am not like the separate entitities that did not always know what happened back when I was in treatment a number of years ago, but I still act like the different parts of me at times and then feel stupid.
*I think we all do this to some extent. It is hard. I am ashamed to show my other ways of being too...
>He already knows this, though. He wrote back to me and told me to stay safe and take care of myself as he knows I have a difficult and strenuous week ahead of me. I wrote back and thanked him and said I would see him on Wednesday.
*well good for you for communicating. E-mail is proly less intrusive feeling. I hate the phone.
> I just don't like for him to see the "sick" side of me. Silly I know as why else would I be going to him. I work in the field and trained at what was the best psychiatric training site in the country at the time, and so it is difficult for me to accept help and to let him see stuff about me that is not the competent side.
*Training aside, its hard for ANY of us to let someone see our weaknessess for a variety of reasons. So I guess cuz of your training and being in the same field , its goto be extra hard.
I wrote lots to my T bout my weaknessess, but could not say them verbally. Not allowed. Funny how I was allowed to write it?
Anyhow, I hope the SI stuff calms down some for you, its really lousy. And I hope you can be easier on yourself about being ashamed and stuff. I'm not so good at it, but thats the theory anyhow!
And BTW, what exactly do you mean by T is too kind? Can you expand on that? Only if you want.
Those good old CBT type coping skills are good to get thru the day...
Take good care,
M
Posted by OzLand on July 9, 2007, at 22:49:12
In reply to Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind » OzLand, posted by muffled on July 9, 2007, at 22:06:08
By too kind I mean he is not like my previous therapist who would get angry with me, and so I would stuff things and ended up doing ECT pretty much because he wanted me to do it. I just kept getting worse and worse with him because he once said maybe I should find a different therapist because I got angry with him about something. So, I tried to never be angry with him and got into my issues that he did not know how to help me with, and as a result I went down hill emotionally. My therapist now says he thinks I did the ECT as a gift for my former therapist. How horrible to consider. He also says he hopes I can let him know when I am angry with him. He is an analyst for over 30 years and has worked with extensively with abuse survivors and persons with eating disorders.
Thanks for your concern; I am doing better for the time being, but things are a bit tenuous right now due to a work issue plus my T will be gone for a week when things likely come to a head at work this week after I see him on Wednesday.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 10, 2007, at 18:40:25
In reply to Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind » OzLand, posted by muffled on July 9, 2007, at 22:06:08
oz, how are you today?
This work thing is really distressing. Just when you thought you had enough on your plate there is less support for you.I used to email my pdoc a LOT. poor pdoc. I would agonize over these emails. Alternating between wanting to reveal just how bad I was and wanting him to stop worrying/caring about me. Wanting him to see how sick I was and wanting him to respect me for my incontrolledness.
that song. gets me in the mood everytime. but my anthem is the funeral march from Beethoven's 7th. I can set it on loop and progress from "bad mood" to "plotting" within an hour. music...
A lot of people (like me) have profound memory problems because of psychological/psychiatric issues. I can't remember whole chunks of time, or episodes from only a few days ago. promises I've made, places I've been. It's absolutely rotten. I feel like a spongebrained imbecile. You've come up with some good strategies. I think I *used* to have good strategies, but I forgot how to use them when the pressure for job performance ended abruptly in May. A month after graduation and it feels like aeons. years since I left chicago. how long have I been living here? no context. no fabric to sew my thread into. No past, no future. Memory loss can be very scary. You're going to get better though. Slowly but surely. the brain is a very clever organ. smart meat.
all 3 of the T's I've had in this past year have told me (warned me) that in dredging up past issues (i.e. abuse) there will be times when things feel worse than ever. part of the process blah blah blah. you know this stuff, but it's so hard to see the other side when you're in the midst of it.
Your new T/pdoc sounds really caring and kind. I wish you the best as you embark
-Ll
Posted by OzLand on July 10, 2007, at 21:11:42
In reply to Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 10, 2007, at 18:40:25
I am still in limbo at work; see therapist tomorrow. We had just done one session of really getting into the emotions of first time I was abused at age 7-8. I decided I had to try to trust him, and I found out I could. I was an emotional wreck and felt like I have left this little girl behind for way too long.
Why didn't I deal with this crap at Menninger's. Well I am now. I used to have split off parts similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, and so different parts did not know about what the other did. I was able to integrate all the parts at Menninger's, but then I locked it all away for the rainy day which obviously has more than arrived.
So, here we are starting to delve into this stuff; I finally take a deep breath and jump in, and then the work-related stuff comes up. It is so distressing to me, and I wish I could say what it is, but I cannot. So, until that is all resolved, here we go again putting the abuse stuff on hold again.
It was really weird to recognize myself as a little girl again. I had found a picture of myself as I was going through my mother's stuff (which I still have not finished doing since she died in 1996 of a botched colonoscopy). Anyway, I see myself still back there and wondering how come I left me behind for so long and then start to feel guilty, and so I knew I had to do something. No more excuses.
This is the end of the thread.
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