Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 766930

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 47. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I hate being angry with my T :-(

Posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

But I am. I'm not sure I'm ready to recount *all* the details here - yet - but I just wanted to whine, vent and say I hate feeling he hurt me and that I want to lash out at him. It's so scary to be mad at him. It definitely triggers all sorts of fear of abandonment and being "too much" for him in this way. Because I'm frequently challenging what he says and does, testing him and breaking into tears if I feel he's said or done something that sounds too cold or negative. When will enough be enough? He's said there is no 'enough,' but that's awfully hard to believe.

Yesterday during my session, he checked his cell phone twice in 30 minutes, then answered a call (stepped out of the room as he knows I would freak) and then ruined everything by taking a second call just as we were standing up/opening the door for me to leave.

That is still my time, and he always gives me a warm handshake and he wrecked it. He was holding the phone in one hand, with his son waiting after he'd said, "hang on a a minute," and then he shook my hand and gave me the fakest smile I've ever seen. His mind was clearly on whatever his son needed and it was so obvious. Can't he at least be a better actor? I hated it so much I got out of there as soon as possible. Went to cry a little in the bathroom down the hall so I could go outside without being seen all teary.

I left him a voicemail later, when I saw how this one thing (well, to me it was a series of 4 things) was making my mood spiral down. And I *never* call my T. He responded and it was crappy. I'm thinking now he's not very good on the phone as Dinah says about her T. Or at least not in voicemails.

Being at odds with him (although he'd never describe it that way) feels like my internal balance is all wrong and like there's a therapist-shaped hole in my heart :-(

oh yeah, I also wrote him a hurt, angry email at 2:30 this morning. That's all I can say right now, 'cause I have to go out. Thanks anyone who read this far - I know I seldom post here and I don't know how to explain why that's so. I think you're all wonderful.

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 30, 2007, at 19:05:47

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

I understand where you are completely, 10der. I've been at the same yucky place with my T for months now. No resolution on why; no real understanding from her about my current issues with her.

It's an awful place to be. I hope your situation is resolved quickly.

((((((((10derHeart)))))))))

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by muffled on June 30, 2007, at 20:16:45

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

Ya I kinda pissed w/mine too.
Cuz of something I hinted at, and she KNEW what i was getting at I am 100% sure, but she didn't want to commit, and there's NO reason I should be mad, but I am anyways. Anyhow, she weren't near as bad as your T 10der. I'd be REAL pissed at him.
mebbe Poet'll come along and sock it to him!
Ha!
M

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-(

Posted by canadagirl on June 30, 2007, at 21:22:35

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

I know, it's hard. Maybe it was a "real emergency" type of thing, you know, with kids sometimes, they have their own emotional crises or whatever. It doesn't make it any easier, but don't assume it's anything you've done. I'm really sensitive too and if my T ever took a phone call in the session I think I'd fall over.

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by Dinah on June 30, 2007, at 21:37:08

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

Arrrgh.

Does he do this type of thing often? If not it might have been something really important. Sometimes my therapist explains at the beginning of a session that he might have to take a call. That's true of me too, sometimes, so I can't get too upset. But the least he could do is explain it briefly and apologize for the disruption of your session. If he does it often, I think I'd definitely feel disrespected.

Maybe whatever it was was still going on later when he spoke to you and he wasn't at his best?

I'm not trying to give him an out. It's rude to do that without any sort of explanation and you're right to tell him so. :(

Therapists and phones. Don't they give lessons in therapy etiquette anymore? My therapist and I were idly discussing it the other day, and he said in a sort of wondering voice that he guessed it was a bigger deal to clients than it was to therapists. Well... Good grief. I had to almost laugh at that. *Everything* is more charged on our end of the sofa. Otherwise therapy wouldn't work so well.

I hope he comes through for you next time. What is your relationship like in general?

I've got to say that my therapist finally came through for me and now turns his cell phone off at the beginning of each session. So it can finally seep in.

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » Dinah

Posted by sunnydays on July 1, 2007, at 10:42:11

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on June 30, 2007, at 21:37:08

Well, in response to Dinah's can't they teach therapy etiquette - I would say can't they teach etiquette etiquette? My supervisor thinks nothing of, when meeting with someone who is in trouble, answering the phone when her friend calls and proceeding to talk so long that the person begins to feel uncomfortable and comes out of her office and waits for twenty minutes until she's done! Aaaagh!

sunnydays

 

Your posts help and...

Posted by 10derHeart on July 1, 2007, at 13:16:13

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

..I only have a minute, but will be back to answer you all individually late tonight. (Been kinda unusually busy IRL, but that is good 'cause at least I'm so distracted I don't ruminate about T. stuff as much)

I think answering posts will actually help, to talk it out as much as possible. Gain some perspective? I do tend to focus on this one thing and forget the rest of our good relationship sometimes.

more later....

ps and to anyone who Babblemailed me, *thank you* and I will get back to you also...promise...

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by DAisym on July 2, 2007, at 1:36:22

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

I'm with you -- I hate being at odds with my therapist, I think you described it perfectly - there is a therapist-size hole in your heart. It feels totally like something is missing. Is it the security of the connection when it is strong? Or is it the lack of opportunity to "fix" it, until some future scheduled time?

I would be upset too, if this happened to me. And while I do know that there are unusual circumstances that crop up, I also know that understanding this and feeling OK about it, are two different things. And cleary the end of the session must resonate deeply with you -- his "real" life calls and you are immediately done and forgotten. My own interpretation, and issues, I know but how could you not feel that way, knowing it was his son on the phone?

I know you have a strong relationship and can and will repair this. But it stinks in the meantime. I'm glad you've been busy to make the time go faster.

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by Voce on July 2, 2007, at 19:22:50

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

Hey 10der, it's so nice to see you on the boards!!

I know probably the best answer is the stock one: talk to your T about this and while you may probably have to dissect all the reasons WHY his behavior made you feel terrible, I really hope he has the good sense to act better in your sessions in the future. It is a very human thing to want someone's undivided attention and in the case of therapy, you absolutely deserve it.

Hugs.
Voce

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » TherapyGirl

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 13:07:13

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart, posted by TherapyGirl on June 30, 2007, at 19:05:47

I know how miserable you've been with your T. I have been following those posts, I just never can think of anything useful to say. It sounds like one of the most frustrating situations I've seen written about here. But not hopeless (though I can imagine you often feel that way) - as long as you two are still talking, something can break through. I do believe that.

With me, I *guess* it'll be resolved. This isn't the first time he's done it, but he isn't completely dense about how it effects me, either, and is always willing to talk about it. It's just such a sharp, overwhelming emotion I have when he decides he *must* take these phone calls before we are fininshed, that I can hardly speak about it. I can never decide whether I'm possibly a selfish b**ch who can't understand he's a human being with other priorities sometimes, or whether he's just wrong on his timing and I'm right, or a little of both. So confusing.

They are yucky, uncomfortable places. I hope the best for you, too, and that your T. finally finds some way to hear you. Thanks for understanding, (((TG.)))

 

Re: Your posts help and...

Posted by Nathan_Arizona on July 3, 2007, at 14:04:27

In reply to Your posts help and..., posted by 10derHeart on July 1, 2007, at 13:16:13

Well, maybe it's just me (and I know this is NOT the point), but I do think you have a right to be mad. You are paying for his time and he is not giving it to you. I think you have the right to set some boundaries on the phone calls during session.

Not only is he breeching the fiduciary relationship he has with you, but that is your time together.

Now, having said that, anger is not a bad emotion and feeling it is not going to drive anyone away or make them leave you. It is simply an emotion that I think you have a right to feel (we all do).

Personally, I find anger to be one of the most motivating of all the emotions and when used correctly, can induce very positive change.

Usually it not the anger that sucks, it's the outcome when we express that anger - and that's the key - it doesn't have to be a negative outcome at all.

Warning - standard psychobabble advice follows - I would simply talk to your T, tell him that the phone calls upset you, tell him why they upset you and be prepared to negotiate a solution with him that suits you both.

I have a good feeling that, handled correctly, this could be a really good thing.

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » muffled

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 14:15:28

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart, posted by muffled on June 30, 2007, at 20:16:45

Well, I think there are plenty of good reasons we get mad, even if our rational minds say, 'no. huh? what?' Still, if we could just see through the fog (or our Ts could) every time, the emotion would make sense. But it's not that easy. I know how it sucks when we think our hints are STRONG and obvious - can't they just get it and answer appropriately? Nope, only sometimes in my case.

I am really mad. Because this is at least the 4th time I can recall, although by far the worst because of timing, and # of times. We talk about regularly how I hate his cell phone and how when he's forgotten it at home I was sooo happy. It doesn't always ring, but when it does, it's in his shirt pocket, and he HAS to look at the number. Probably 'cause only wife and son mostly use it, and I must say, many, many times he doesn't do anything, but even the looking and putting it away disturbs me and we have to sort of "reset" the session.

This time, it's the waiting between sessions to discuss it that hurts the most. I feel punished and ignored. Sent another email this morning - very short just pleading for a sentence or two to get me to Thursday when I can see him. I hate being reduced to begging. Normally I don't have to, but maybe he IS getting sick of my mini-meltdowns and is trying to teach me a lesson.
Don't know. While I wait, I imagine a lot of stuff, some could be true, but it's all awful (Termination for being too annoying). He knows silence = made up scenarios, but yet still I endure the silence. I sometimes hate the rules, boundaries, process so much....just TALK to me WHEN I need you, NOT on one hour of a week :-(

well, I took the liberty to rant there, didn't I? Somehow I think you won't mind, muffled.

I've been trying to follow what's up with your T. - not sure if you're on a break you chose, or she's on vacation...? In either case, glad you're staying here with us....we all do sooooooo understand each other. ((muffled)))


ps - I should hire Poet to throw some stuff at him - starting with the phone itself...don't want to hurt him, but maybe she could just miss and it would break on the floor and then....ok I am nuts...


 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » canadagirl

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 14:37:13

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by canadagirl on June 30, 2007, at 21:22:35

> I know, it's hard. Maybe it was a "real emergency" type of thing, you know, with kids sometimes, they have their own emotional crises or whatever.

well, perhaps. But it's his youngest son who lives at home....about 20, or 21 years old. There have been recent problems between dad and son, not that we talk about that, but he sort of revealed that in general once as a reason he couldn't reschedule a session, so I'd understand it wasn't about another client, or his convenience, but was about an important, family matter.. Not the first time he's hinted at sort of a 'butting heads' with this boy, and usually each time he's suddenly driving a borrowed car and the son has his car.....as a parent myself, it all sounds painful.

I can always think of at least two ways he could make the phone interruptions less difficult and intrusive. He's sort of paid attention (leaves the room and closes door now) but when it was *more* than once, and then during our handshake, well, that was too much for me.. I guess I can't imagine any emergency that can't wait say, 30-60 seconds. That's all I ask. And besides the word 'emergency' was never used at all....

>It doesn't make it any easier, but don't assume it's anything you've done.

I don't, except that I swing wildly back and forth thinking I'm reasonable, then unreasonable, in the intensity of my reaction to this (I'll post something from my T. a little later showing *how* intense it appears to him). First, I feel like a needy, rude, selfish b**ch who can't allow him to, once in a while, need to put his son before me, just for a minute or two. Then, the next moment, I decide, no, he's not getting this, we've had the 'therapy is sacred' talk - more than once - and he's just not respecting how precious this one hour is to me. Don't know which voice is more true.

>I'm really sensitive too and if my T ever took a phone call in the session I think I'd fall over.

Yeah, only twice has my T. done that exactly - without stepping out of the room - in 2.5 years. First time, we had a very tearful and serious talk about how sacred it is to me, and I don't EVER want to hear his son's voice, or what he's saying to his son, makes me feel sooooo creeped out. So, he reformed for about a year, then took one from some potential client - once. That time, I did say it was okay as I was just giving him a check and leaving, but I realized as I awkwardly stood there and the guy wouldn't let him off the phone quickly, it wasn't ok. My T. talks in a different voice to other people, and I don't want to hear it. Scares me 'cause it's not the "him" I know.

Thanks, cg, always lovely to hear from you :-)

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » sunnydays

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 15:50:41

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » Dinah, posted by sunnydays on July 1, 2007, at 10:42:11

That's sounds pretty extreme, sunny. The poor other person must feel all sorts of angry, offended, appalled....sheesh. But, I see a lot of that out in the world. It's as if some people are oblivious to the feelings of others, especially involving phone calls, or really, any third parties intruding on things. It's sad.

My T's not that bad (not that anyone said he was) or he wouldn't be a very good T., but he does act a bit dense in areas where I'd think he'd 'know' me far better by now. Guess I have to keep teaching him, even though incidents like this hurt so much. He did say about something else lately, "well, I'm trainable, don't give up on me."
So there's hope, I guess?

When is your t. back? Do you have a lot longer? Glad to read up above that it's not as bad as it has been or can be. You're strong, sunny, you've gotten through lots of disruptions in T. Baby steps for us all, right? :-)

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » Dinah

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 15:51:42

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on June 30, 2007, at 21:37:08

> Does he do this type of thing often?

No, he doesn't. It's just that really emotionally charged things in therapy like this is for me, *feel* like they're more often...but maybe, 4-5 times in 2.5 years.

>If not it might have been something really important. Sometimes my therapist explains at the beginning of a session that he might have to take a call.

See what I wrote to canadagirl. There is something on and off with his grown son. Something that puts them at odds. You're right, too, BUT 'really important' is not the same as 'emergency' and it ought to be able to wait 20 minutes for a session to finish, and certainly wait 30 seconds when I'm leaving and NOT destroy that last moment I treasure. {shrug} It was as if his son were standing in the hallway next to me, watching me, tapping his foot impatiently while this foolish, pathetic woman wanted to shake his dad's hand... Just knowing he was holding the cell phone made it feel that way. I am probably a complete idiot here, but I can't help it.

>That's true of me too, sometimes, so I can't get too upset.

I always turn mine off. I guess I just can't relate.

>But the least he could do is explain it briefly and apologize for the disruption of your session.

He did, but it's somehow not enough. His explanation is, "I have to take this." Then he stepped out and came back about 1-2 mins later. Saw tears rolling down my cheeks, said, kindly enough, "That bothered you, didn't it?" (uh, duh) I tried to explain exactly 'why' and why so much that day, which I think was because he'd pulled the damn thing out to look at numbers 2 times before he stepped out, and each time built up stress inside me, like I'm bothering him and he needs me to LEAVE so he can get on with his real life, the relationships that *really* matter. Does that make sense? :-(

> Maybe whatever it was was still going on later when he spoke to you and he wasn't at his best?

He didn't speak to me as I was at work, and I specifically asked for a voice mail anyway. I knew I'd break down if I spoke to him. The message just was disappointing: "sorry you left so distressed, we'll take time to talk about it next week, can't say it won't happen again as I don't know that..." sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher to me - wah wah wah wah....nothing like what I wanted to hear and thought I'd hinted at - just tell me it'll be okay and that you care about me, not matter what I get angry about. Didn't get that. He doesn't leave voice mails well, so far. But I've only asked for a very few. He could get better, I guess.

> I'm not trying to give him an out. It's rude to do that without any sort of explanation and you're right to tell him so. :(

I think my problem is not so much the rudeness or even the lack of 'enough' of an explnation, but the fear of showing my anger and frustration and managing the feelings that arise every time. I'm afraid he'll be pushed over the edge and start planning my termination. Or maybe just as bad, that he'll think I'm not a kind, decent person who understands about family being so important. Ironically, one of the core things that bonds me to this man, make me love and admire him, *is* his strong family ties, loyalty,and devotion to his kids and grandkids. Guess he's just never supposed to give me a demonstration on 'my' time.
>
> My therapist and I were idly discussing it the other day, and he said in a sort of wondering voice that he guessed it was a bigger deal to clients than it was to therapists. Well... Good grief. I had to almost laugh at that. *Everything* is more charged on our end of the sofa. Otherwise therapy wouldn't work so well.

I hate that wondering tone, although I find it intellectually interesting, in a way. I mean, how long does it take them to understand this stuff? Are we talking into the wind? And my T. tends to appear very empathetic, and will reflect back well, or give another example where he 'does' demonstrate he grasps my view of things.....but yet, bam! does the same or similar thing again, and is so surprised at a strong reaction. arghh.

> I hope he comes through for you next time. What is your relationship like in general?

It's strong. Good, open, excellent, wonderful, by and large. He is the best therapist for me at this point in time. I firmly believe that. I suppose this is precisely why these small things can become so powerful and linger? I mean, guess it's kinda obvious. He means so much to me, and I have huge issues with feeling I must walk on eggshells to keep someone from leaving, or moving away, or dying, or thinking I'm "too much" and pushing me away emotionally and that's the transference piece, I know, I know...
>
> I've got to say that my therapist finally came through for me and now turns his cell phone off at the beginning of each session. So it can finally seep in.

I think that's great, Dinah. Must feel good to not have to contend with it. My T. will never do this, I don't think. I can just hope he forgets it at home more often :-)

I guess maybe this week I may see how this cell phone thing is important to get through to get to deeper things about fear and trust and being a priority to somebody....sounds scary :-(

 

Re: I hate being...(long, dense) » 10derHeart

Posted by DAisym on July 3, 2007, at 15:56:42

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » canadagirl, posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 14:37:13

This isn't exactly about being mad at our therapist but for some reason this thread made me think about one of my favorite readings for the program I was in by Judith Mitrani. She is an analyst who works in Southern California. Her stuff is dense and very classical but her ideas make so much sense. I thought I'd share the following passages because when I read them there was a great deal of relief to know that my experience of fear and my struggle with the weekend breaks and stuff were more or less "normal" -- at least as she sees it. I really like the idea of thinking of the therapy space as a private womb. My therapist often refers to himself as a psychic midwife, wait 'til I tell him he is a "womb." I think these should go into the therapists' training manual Dinah is writing. :)

She is talking directly to the therapists in her writings. First she talks about the analyst's responsibility:

"Our patient's need to project their "bad" objects and unendurable experiences into us is primary. Within us these objects, and the experiences which have created them, may find an opportunity for rehabilitation and transformation. In this manner, for example, the experience of the "abandoning object" that we become -- during weekend breaks, silences, or even absence of understanding in the analytic hour -- may have the chance to become an experience of an abandoning object who takes responsibility for having abandoned the patient and who, at the same time, is able to keep the patient in mind sufficiently to be able to think about how he might feel about being abandoned."

She also talks about how important it is for therapists to really get how scary it is for patients to regress and open up to those feelings and she makes a point about how therapists can feel abandoned too.

"Such experiences remind us that, even in analysis, contact with infantile experiences can be unbearably terrifying, provoking extremes of emotional turbulence and precipitating fears of breakdown, particularly when this occurs prematurely and outside the realm of the patient's personal omnipotence.
"Indeed, patients like Joel may feel they have no choice but to abandon what may have once felt to be the safety of the therapeutic womb, especially when untimely failures are felt to transform that womb into a noxious place; when the failure of the analyst to preserve the security of the setting or when the terror and pain of separation imposed by the breaks are felt to penetrate and destroy its delicate environment. Some patients -- in panic, rage and despair -- may abort the analysis and analytic baby. Some patients may harden themselves while rallying hatred to the cause; they may use anger as a shield against vulnerability, and thus may "forget" that they cannot really live without other people.
"Regretfully, in the course of any analysis, we are inevitably confronted with much that is beyond our ability to control. We are faced with the limitations in our capacity to "watch over" and protect the fragile , absolutely-dependent baby-part of the patient (previously encapsulated) as it attempts to hatch-out into the analytic nest of relative dependency that we and our analysand have worked to create.
"Our absences of body and mind and our errors of tact and timing can be felt to destroy that nest, precipitating a premature awareness of separateness, creating panic, fragmenting the 'baby' and perhaps provoking a defensive hardening of an otherwise thin psychic skin and deadening of those fragile feelings of dependency and longing that may subsequently by still-born as the analyst's mistakes and failures become direct causes of the outbreak of fear and breakdown. In the wake of this fear, patients like Joel often leave us --at least for awhile -- with their own unbearable sense of helplessness. Perhaps, when they do, we would hope to be able to sustain such discomforting feelings, to weather the "emotional storm" created in the wake of abandonment (the patient's if they quit therapy or withdraw from us) without caving in under the temptation to declare "never before and never again!"

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 3, 2007, at 16:28:06

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » TherapyGirl, posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 13:07:13

Thanks, 10der. It always helps when I can come here and vent and be instantly understood.

Just for the record, I don't think you're selfish or a b*tch. :-) I'm also realistic enough to know some of this real life intrusion is going to happen. But I want a warning and then an acknowledgement that it is an intrusion to me.

Good luck with your situation, too.

 

Re: I hate being...(long, dense) » DAisym

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 3, 2007, at 16:28:34

In reply to Re: I hate being...(long, dense) » 10derHeart, posted by DAisym on July 3, 2007, at 15:56:42

Thanks for posting this, Daisy. It makes me feel less crazy.

 

Re: Your posts help and... » Nathan_Arizona

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 16:30:51

In reply to Re: Your posts help and..., posted by Nathan_Arizona on July 3, 2007, at 14:04:27

> Well, maybe it's just me (and I know this is NOT the point), but I do think you have a right to be mad. You are paying for his time and he is not giving it to you. I think you have the right to set some boundaries on the phone calls during session.

You're right. But perhaps I gave the impression this is a chronic thing. It's not; as I told Dinah, I think maybe 4-5 times over 2.5 years. Well, at least those I can remember. After we discuss and repair things, sometimes It does work so well I completely forget....which seems good. But when he reopens 'old issues' by doing this behavior again, that's probably a big part of the depth of my hurt.

> Now, having said that, anger is not a bad emotion and feeling it is not going to drive anyone away or make them leave you. It is simply an emotion that I think you have a right to feel (we all do).

Thanks, Nathan, I *always* need to be reminded of that - seriously. My head knows it, and I think maybe, my heart starts to make peace that it's really okay, acceptable to feel anger, say it, even lash out with meanness (though i try to always apologize, to my T. and others) and still people can forgive, understand, care about you, still want to be around you, and heck, even love you. But wow is it hard to remember!

> Personally, I find anger to be one of the most motivating of all the emotions and when used correctly, can induce very positive change.

That is an excellent point, and you made me remember times when this is exactly what happened - in and out of therapy.

> Usually it not the anger that sucks, it's the outcome when we express that anger - and that's the key - it doesn't have to be a negative outcome at all.

Yup. Nail on the head again (you are quite good at understanding all this, you know) My childhood was quite good and healthy, but my adulthood for about 20+ years has been full of unhealthy, one-sided, sometimes physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships with men. I know now each scarred me even though I swore for years none of the past mattered. hah. So a lot of my therapy work is recounting many of these stories (yuk) seeing them for what they were, seeing how I still believe much of the cr*p I was told....etc. And to get to why I thought of this - it's true, my T. helps rewrite a different response to anger, other than yelling, hitting, insults, coldness, withdrawing affection. But clearly I can still be terrified to express hurt to him, as I know what's 'supposed' to happen...

> Warning - standard psychobabble advice follows - I would simply talk to your T, tell him that the phone calls upset you, tell him why they upset you and be prepared to negotiate a solution with him that suits you both.

We will. We always do. Don't know if this is as negotiable as I'd wish, but some compromise must be possible, if we're both committed to the process.

> I have a good feeling that, handled correctly, this could be a really good thing.

It could. I really value this post, Nathan. You have a clear, positive and kind way that shows through, and I'm grateful you chose to respond.
You take care. - 10derHeart

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by sunnydays on July 3, 2007, at 17:00:23

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » muffled, posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 14:15:28

I hope it's not true, but for my T, silence on email means:
a) it's the weekend, and he never checks it on the weekend

b) he's sick and not at work

c) he's on vacation, which he usually remembers to tell me about -- any chance your T is out because of the July 4th holiday and not checking his email?

I hope none of these is true, but in some ways they're better than imagining worse things. I know how easy it is to do that, though.

sunnydays

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart

Posted by sunnydays on July 3, 2007, at 17:26:26

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » sunnydays, posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 15:50:41

I do agree that your T absolutely should NOT take phone calls during your session. The phone has only rang two or three times when I've been in session - always towards the end. He always looks really upset and gets it and tells whoever it is he's busy and comes right back and apologizes.

I hope you can express your anger to your T. He should hear it. And remember, he's trainable :).

sunnydays

 

Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » DAisym

Posted by 10derheart on July 4, 2007, at 11:33:48

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart, posted by DAisym on July 2, 2007, at 1:36:22

>Is it the security of the connection when it is strong? Or is it the lack of opportunity to "fix" it, until some future scheduled time?

Great questions. It seems mostly it's the second one, especially this time. It feels like I absolutely cannot tolerate another hour of wondering, another day of not talking to him, without just falling apart. But then again, it's both, because when I feel frantic that we must fix this right now - I feel the security of the connection is severed.

And the crazy thing is, I *know* most of this - in some cases ALL of this is me creating a catastrophe when one doesn't exist. I project all kinds of things (this time, in my 2:30 am email I mentioned my thoughts he hates me and wants to get rid of me because this issue with the phone calls is "wrong" and "goes too far")all over him, and am convinced they must be true. For evidence, I use a day or two with an email unanswered, or a voice mail that doesn't sound right or give me exactly what I need. Those things "prove" he's angry, fed up, and about to give me some version of a termination speech. When I'm outside of the incident, it all sounds silly. When I'm inside that fear, it not only sounds completely possible, it becomes my reality.

> I would be upset too, if this happened to me. And while I do know that there are unusual circumstances that crop up, I also know that understanding this and feeling OK about it, are two different things.

No kidding. Thanks for understanding that so well.

>And cleary the end of the session must resonate deeply with you -- his "real" life calls and you are immediately done and forgotten. My own interpretation, and issues, I know but how could you not feel that way, knowing it was his son on the phone?

well, if it's your own interpretation and issues, we clearly have some of the same issues and interpretations...:-) Daisy, that's it in a nutshell, so much so I have to quote you when I see him later this week. That idea, crashing in on me unexpectedly (believe me, he's *never* done anything in the past that comes close to holding the cell in his hand with a family member on the other end [not on hold, even] while saying goodbye to me!)was surely the thing that triggered me so severely I could hardly sleep, eat, concentrate or stand 'being,' since that day. And this he recognizes as something possibly huge, so I've been asked to help him understand why this was so awful for me.....oh, this isn't good because there will be so many tears and if he doesn't get his part just right.....

> I know you have a strong relationship and can and will repair this. But it stinks in the meantime. I'm glad you've been busy to make the time go faster.

I know. It just feels so out of control, and then sometimes when the adult completely takes over, so damned ridiculous, it's hard to manage. Thank God for Babble and Babblers.

 

Update - T. replied to my email

Posted by 10derheart on July 4, 2007, at 11:36:45

In reply to I hate being angry with my T :-(, posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

Yesterday. I feel safer now at least, like I'm not lost from him somehow (WHY does the mind always have to run to the extreme?! I KNOW CBT techniques for this, yet I can't seem to apply them) and I can release most of the crazy thinking about how my expressed anger over this will destroy our rapport and he will want to terminate me....

It says:

"myrealname,

I neither hate you, nor do I want to "get rid" of you. I like having you as a client ... it is hard work, but if it was easy we wouldn't be getting anywhere. I am very concerned that this situation has been so catastrophic for you. I know that the cell phone is an issue for you, but this incident seems to have caused the bottom to fall out. When you come in I would like you to help me understand why. - T."

-------------------------------------------------
I will see him tomorrow. I'm already anxious about that in another way, because one session is normally not enough....and no chance for another this week. It's all so confusing sometimes.

 

Re: Update - T. replied to my email » 10derheart

Posted by sunnydays on July 4, 2007, at 13:28:56

In reply to Update - T. replied to my email, posted by 10derheart on July 4, 2007, at 11:36:45

(((10der)))

Sounds like he's going to be very prepared to listen to whatever you want to say to him tomorrow. At least he 'gets' that you're really upset, and my guess is he'll want to remedy his part in that. No T wants their clients to be more upset after having a session. I imagine by help him understand he just means to talk about it with him. I don't think you have to have any brilliant insights, although he'd probably welcome them. I bet he'll be willing to listen to any anger as well. And he's not going to leave you -- he said he likes you!

sunnydays

 

Re: Update - T. replied to my email » 10derheart

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 4, 2007, at 13:40:06

In reply to Update - T. replied to my email, posted by 10derheart on July 4, 2007, at 11:36:45

I'm so glad he responded to you, 10der. And it sounds like he's in just the right place to hear what you have to say and try to fix it.

I have very positive feelings about your session tomorrow. Keep us posted, okay?


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