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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 7:34:20
I shlump into the room, moan about everything. She gets me to laugh about stuff and identify the "marvelous" coping skills I have learned since this time last year. She tells me to hang in there, and I leave, semi-buoyed up by having my confidence boosted.
Then the magic wears off after about 2 hours and I'm deeply depressed again. Lately I have taken to walking around the house with a pillow so I can lie down wherever I am and get a nap. My favourite place is the bed, but if I'm in the living room, and upstairs is just too far away, then I lie on the floor with my pillow and snooze for a half hour or so. I don't like feeling confined, or hot. I sprawl rather than curl. Meditation is beyond my powers of concentration right now. My thoughts just bounce around from pillar to post, not getting anywhere but not pausing for a second. It's exhausting.
No, I am not exercising. I am not cooking. I am not snacking. I am not writing (except for here, and I do so fearfully). My eyebrows, my poor eyebrows, get plucked when I happen to look in a mirror. Right now there is a lush growth above my eyes that's heading right for uni-brow status.
Actually, I've never been so depressed in my life. I put one foot in front of the other only if necessary. I can go out and fulfill my volunteer jobs, because I feel obliged to; but anything that nourishes the inside me is not worth the bother. Yet my T is proud of me. Says that this putting one foot in front of the other is something I wouldn't have been able to do a year ago. Is that true? I can't remember.
I see a new pdoc at the new of July. I hope I can plod along until then. Maybe I will ask for more T appointments to keep me afloat. I don't feel dangerous, just like everything is really hard work. If you need me, I'll be in the corner with my pillow.
And then this place!! I have an outstanding "please rephrase" from Dr Bob, which is actually worse than a Please Be Civil, because if you don't get it right, you get blocked. And he hasn't said whether my second attempt at putting the words in a different order is acceptable. So I feel like I have that hanging over my head. Where is that man, anyway? Is it any wonder I don't feel safe?
sp
Posted by fiji on June 28, 2007, at 8:03:46
In reply to Therapy these days, posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 7:34:20
I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. I hate to sound like a nagging mother, but can you tell your T this? Or give her this email? You are covering up so well that she can't see it. Maybe you don't want her to see it?
Yes, you are much better than you were last year at this time, but things are so different now too. Your needs are very different, and you know that you have things that need to be dealt with now that you have other things under control (well, we never really have it "under control," right? but you're dealing better). But other things crawl out once our old defenses are gone.
Are you saying that you're as good as it gets right now? Can you live with that? Or do you want to tackle the underlying things, which seem to be popping up as soon as your comfort from therapy wears off?
Do I sound harsh? I don't meant to. I just care about you very much. Take the risk to open up, you are stronger now, I know you are and so do you. But it's not easy--once the outer layer is removed, there's a whole lot more going on...otherwise, we have given up the defenses but we are still the same person underneath. You have found new ways to cope, but they don't seem to be filling your needs.
I'm glad you can keep your volunteer work going. That says a lot. But you have to take care of yourself first.
love,
antigua
Posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 8:30:54
In reply to Re: Therapy these days, posted by fiji on June 28, 2007, at 8:03:46
> I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. I hate to sound like a nagging mother, but can you tell your T this? Or give her this email? You are covering up so well that she can't see it. Maybe you don't want her to see it?
>I feel like I want to present the best possible face to her, definitely. And although she acknowledges that I've going through a really hard time, she tells me to keep doing what I'm doing, just drudge through the days, and trust that these skills will carry me on.
> Yes, you are much better than you were last year at this time, but things are so different now too. Your needs are very different, and you know that you have things that need to be dealt with now that you have other things under control (well, we never really have it "under control," right? but you're dealing better). But other things crawl out once our old defenses are gone.
>
> Are you saying that you're as good as it gets right now? Can you live with that? Or do you want to tackle the underlying things, which seem to be popping up as soon as your comfort from therapy wears off?
>I think what I want is the comforting words of my therapist to wear like a blanket whenever I need them. That if I hear her say them to me, I'll believe her, but my self-talk is not there at all. I think I have great big gaps in my skill set and I'm very impatient to fill them in; and my T thinks that this pace is not only to be expected, but I'm ripping along. Doing better than great. And jeez, if I feel like doggy doo-doo now, what would feeling BAD be like? Yikes.
> Do I sound harsh? I don't meant to. I just care about you very much. Take the risk to open up, you are stronger now, I know you are and so do you. But it's not easy--once the outer layer is removed, there's a whole lot more going on...otherwise, we have given up the defenses but we are still the same person underneath. You have found new ways to cope, but they don't seem to be filling your needs.
>Yes, I hear you. You don't sound the least bit harsh to me ((((fiji))) Did you know that was the first perfume that a boyfriend ever gave me? A very 70's scent.
I'm preoccupied by my stepdaughter's trip down the road of substance abuse. I'm worried about an enormous house expense that is sucking up all our savings this summer. My husband hates his job and wants to move somewhere where we just pick bananas off a tree and live in a hut (now where do you think his daughter learned her avoidance techniques?). I guess in light of these issues, I am doing rather well. I just have lost all perspective, and I feel very needy and that I have to be propped up all the time.
> I'm glad you can keep your volunteer work going. That says a lot. But you have to take care of yourself first.
> love,
> antigua
>You're a sweetie. Thanks. I will think about seeing my T and leaving my Pollyanna smile at the door so she can she how I'm really feeling.
Scratchie
Posted by Honore on June 28, 2007, at 10:26:31
In reply to Therapy these days, posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 7:34:20
SP--
You need to see a pdoc before the end of July. This is not right. Please Please see if you can work something better out. You sound as if you're really suffering, and you need-- and I mean, need-- someone taking care of this.
And also-- if you have any please rephrase doubts-- bmail me-- I'm trained to read stuff-- I'll be happy to tell you if I think it comes across with the tone you want-- and if it meets what I (in my I admit rather bleary understanding of babblevility) think will pass any scrutiny.
Anyway, I'd love to get a bmail from you. I love the way you write.
Honore
Posted by Phillipa on June 28, 2007, at 11:44:48
In reply to Re: Therapy these days » fiji, posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 8:30:54
SP this may be very off course do you see a connection with your other name and the position you chose remember you chose not to take? And are super sensitive to anything that implies criticism as I read that thread and I think the rephasing was just fine. That's just me take on it. And seriously I envy you the ability to volunteer. I think you said something somewhere about adding cymbalta back in too and it wasn't long ago. Give it some time. So pick banannas huh? Well let him do it first. Bet he get bored. Love Phillipa
Posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 11:53:46
In reply to Re: Therapy these days » scratchpad, posted by Phillipa on June 28, 2007, at 11:44:48
> SP this may be very off course do you see a connection with your other name and the position you chose remember you chose not to take? And are super sensitive to anything that implies criticism as I read that thread and I think the rephasing was just fine.
Yes, it's true I'm sensitive but even without reading here, I'm feeling like toilet scum. If anything, I'm reading less, if you can believe it. My T recognizes that this is a major depressive episode for me. Yesterday I didn't even feel the need to take any xanax at all, and it's not like me not to be at the edge at some point or another. I just don't give a hoot enough to be anxious.
> That's just me take on it. And seriously I envy you the ability to volunteer. I think you said something somewhere about adding cymbalta back in too and it wasn't long ago. Give it some time.
It's been 6 weeks back at my 60mg dose. I think it plain isn't working. That when the *&%$# doctor had me stop taking it all of a sudden that it made it poop out when I restarted (how's that for a scientific theory?).
> So pick banannas huh? Well let him do it first. Bet he get bored. Love Phillipa
I don't think the man could survive without a tv set and a remote control.
love
sp
Posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 11:54:21
In reply to Re: Therapy these days, posted by Honore on June 28, 2007, at 10:26:31
bmail on its way to you
many thx
sp
Posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 12:38:53
In reply to Re: Therapy these days, posted by Honore on June 28, 2007, at 10:26:31
((((((((((((((((((((((Scratchy)))))))))))))))))
Sigh.
Hope you can get meds sorted out.
Life gets kinda crazy.
Lotsa crap.
Hope the daughter is OK :-(
Hope you can distance youself from that somehow.
I think Kath knows bout that :-(
Sounds like you WAY down, but still going. YOU ARE AMAZING!
Hope you can be straight up w/your T.
Disgorge all the crap inside, right into her lap.
Then she can help you carry it.
Keep posting if you can,
Take care,
M
Posted by Phillipa on June 28, 2007, at 21:20:39
In reply to Re: Therapy these days » Phillipa, posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 11:53:46
SP well this really a med question any idea now what to take don't like to see you feeling low. So send him with a TV and a fake remote or an Ipod or something. Life is a trial lately I find myself battling to stay alive and not hurt on some threads not here of course as you all are so supportive and kind. Glad I found this board. Love Phillipa
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