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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 16 to 40 of 45. Go back in thread:
Posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 18:48:51
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Daisym on December 26, 2006, at 0:57:01
> (((Tamar)))
>
> I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Leaving anyone you love is very hard and leaving someone you need is even harder. I think you've received some wise advice, and though it might be painful, it does sound like a direct conversation is needed. Asking him how he thinks things are going might be a good place to start.Yes, I’m sure that’s right. I think he’d probably welcome a conversation about how things are going. I expect he’s nearly as frustrated as I am.
> Are you seeing someone else for medications? Perhaps you can get a consult from the pdoc, if possible. But suffering like this, for this long, just isn't fair nor healthy. Gather your courage, maybe ask for a double session and sit down and try to make a plan for the future. Your future.
Happily for me, my GP prescribes my meds. I tried to cut down a month ago but with out success so I’m back up to 40mg of Prozac. I wish I could double it… I kind of feel the need for lots and lots.
I’m sure that part of the difficulty is my own wish to avoid the subject. I’d love to blame Bert entirely but somehow that doesn’t seem fair.
I’ve tried so many different ways to talk to him about it. And I’ve tried writing things down, but I never seem to be able to articulate things properly. Last session I wrote stuff down and then forgot to take it… unconsciously avoiding it, I suppose. Maybe I should write him a letter; then I won’t be able to run away from it! My main worry about that is that he might keep it in my file. I don’t want anything like that to be in writing in my file. I’d rather ask him to give it back to me. I wonder if he’d agree to that…
> Take care of yourself.
You too.
Love,
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 19:11:48
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by dessbee on December 26, 2006, at 13:04:32
Hello dessbee,
Those are good questions. I’ll try to answer them.
> Are you in love with your therapist?
Not at the moment. At least, I don’t think so. I used to be in love with him a couple of years ago. But I do love him, sometimes just because he’s my therapist, but also in other, more transferential ways. I’ve been having a lot of problems in my marriage that seem to be connected with my very unhealthy relationship with my father when I was a teenager, and a lot of those feelings end up transferred onto my therapist. I find it terrifying and shameful and embarrassing, and I know that talking about it would help, but it’s been very difficult. I was never able to talk to him about my feelings of being in love with him (more than a year ago) either. At the moment I don’t feel much inclination to be his partner (only occasionally); instead I usually wish he would take care of me and comfort me and give me lots of reassurance and approval. I think I want to be his cat or something. I’d say I want to be his daughter, but that doesn’t seem quite right. Maybe I want him to be my father. Or my mother. I’m quite confused.
> Are you taking any antideprissive medicine?
Yep. 40mg of Prozac every morning. Yum yum!
> What kind of therapist is he? (psychodynamic psychotherapist or cognitive behavioural therapist)
Well, here’s the thing. He usually does CBT with his current clients, but he was trained in psychodynamic therapy, and that’s what he says he’s using with me. And I’ve done CBT work with him before, and this is very different. But I think that when I head towards transferential territory he replies with more CBT-oriented responses, perhaps because that’s how he usually practices, perhaps because he’s uncomfortable with transference stuff… I dunno. And although I’ve tried to talk to him about it I haven’t had much success. I don’t think he knows what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m not being direct enough. I have trouble being direct in therapy. I unconsciously censor myself. And yet… I don’t understand why he’s not looking out for transference and recognising it when it’s obvious…
Thanks for the interesting questions!
Posted by Fallsfall on December 26, 2006, at 21:53:32
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » dessbee, posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 19:11:48
Not dealing with transference when it is occurring can be damaging. What a relief and what a difference for me when I switched to a therapist who did deal with transference.
My old therapist tried to tell me that she couldn't help me anymore, but I wasn't inclined to listen. I think it might be helpful if you do have that "How do you think therapy is going" conversation. If he feels like he isn't helping you as much as you need, perhaps he can give you a referral.
When you need real psychodynamic therapy, there is no substitute.
Posted by caraher on December 26, 2006, at 22:10:14
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 18:48:51
>My main worry about that is that he might keep it in my file. I don’t want anything like that to be in writing in my file. I’d rather ask him to give it back to me. I wonder if he’d agree to that…
Wouldn't hurt to ask. My long-time T took notes and I asked how she used them. She volunteered that she only keeps them for a short while and shreds them, primarily so that they won't be available if, say, there's a divorce case involving a client.
Posted by pegasus on December 27, 2006, at 9:45:31
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » dessbee, posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 19:11:48
>I think I want to be his cat or something.
Oh, yeah! I think you're on to something here. I think I always wanted to be my ex-Ts cat, and sit on his lap getting petted, or just hang out next to him with no talking. Not that the talking wasn't good, but I wanted to be around and be cared for also outside of the talking.
I'm sorry you are having so much trouble. I hope you can find a way to talk to your T more directly about this. It really sounds like you need to take some action, and if that can't be by leaving him, then maybe it can be by changing something in your relationship. I know you've been trying hard to do that, and it's frustrating. Maybe if you write something to him to explain, you could post it here first, to see if we think it's direct enough that he should get it? And/or maybe you could formulate an answer that you think would be helpful and appropriate for you (babble can help here, I'm sure), and give that to him so he can know exactly what you're looking for. Don't know if this would help, but I find when I'm not getting what I want that sometimes eventually just telling the other person what I'm looking for can lead to a really helpful conversation.
Anyway I wish you much much luck. It's a tricky place you're in, and I will be thinking about you.
p
Posted by dessbee on December 27, 2006, at 12:46:00
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » dessbee, posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 19:11:48
I get the feeling you are looking for secondary gain in your therapy. It is tough being depressive since many symptoms of depression makes you look for someone that will comfort you. Most professional therapists are aware of secondary gain and will avoid it some way or another. The problem seems to be that it is persistent, which may explain why you can't leave therapy.
Considering you had a bad relationship with your father, maybe secondary gain would be less of a problem if you had a female therapist.
I think your therapy should focus on CBT in order to deal with how you think about the unhealthy relationship with your father. You need to look at who your father is/was and try to find a cognitive way of accepting his flaws. This is the hard part, a good therapist will help you find those thoughts so you can move on in life.
Posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 15:28:41
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Fallsfall on December 26, 2006, at 21:53:32
> Not dealing with transference when it is occurring can be damaging. What a relief and what a difference for me when I switched to a therapist who did deal with transference.
I remember you've said that before. It makes a lot of sense to me.
> My old therapist tried to tell me that she couldn't help me anymore, but I wasn't inclined to listen. I think it might be helpful if you do have that "How do you think therapy is going" conversation. If he feels like he isn't helping you as much as you need, perhaps he can give you a referral.
I'm really starting to think that the point of therapy is to make progress! And that may mean moving to a different therapist... I'd rather eat my own ears than leave Bert, but on the other hand there's no point in continuing like this.
> When you need real psychodynamic therapy, there is no substitute.
Yeah... I really think I do need it. Thanks, Falls.
Posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 15:36:13
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy?, posted by caraher on December 26, 2006, at 22:10:14
> >My main worry about that is that he might keep it in my file. I don’t want anything like that to be in writing in my file. I’d rather ask him to give it back to me. I wonder if he’d agree to that…
>
> Wouldn't hurt to ask. My long-time T took notes and I asked how she used them. She volunteered that she only keeps them for a short while and shreds them, primarily so that they won't be available if, say, there's a divorce case involving a client.Good idea, and that's another whole thing I'd like to know about. I don't want to read what he writes, but I'd love to know how much he writes and how long he keeps them...
Posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 16:08:04
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by pegasus on December 27, 2006, at 9:45:31
> >I think I want to be his cat or something.
>
> Oh, yeah! I think you're on to something here. I think I always wanted to be my ex-Ts cat, and sit on his lap getting petted, or just hang out next to him with no talking. Not that the talking wasn't good, but I wanted to be around and be cared for also outside of the talking.Exactly!
> I'm sorry you are having so much trouble. I hope you can find a way to talk to your T more directly about this. It really sounds like you need to take some action, and if that can't be by leaving him, then maybe it can be by changing something in your relationship. I know you've been trying hard to do that, and it's frustrating. Maybe if you write something to him to explain, you could post it here first, to see if we think it's direct enough that he should get it? And/or maybe you could formulate an answer that you think would be helpful and appropriate for you (babble can help here, I'm sure), and give that to him so he can know exactly what you're looking for. Don't know if this would help, but I find when I'm not getting what I want that sometimes eventually just telling the other person what I'm looking for can lead to a really helpful conversation.
I do want to try one more time… I know it’s about the 15th time I’ve said this. And yeah, I think it would be helpful to get other people’s ideas about how to phrase it. I’ll put my mind to it and try writing something down…
> Anyway I wish you much much luck. It's a tricky place you're in, and I will be thinking about you.
Thanks Peg. I’ll be thinking about you too.
Posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 16:27:50
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by dessbee on December 27, 2006, at 12:46:00
> I get the feeling you are looking for secondary gain in your therapy. It is tough being depressive since many symptoms of depression makes you look for someone that will comfort you. Most professional therapists are aware of secondary gain and will avoid it some way or another. The problem seems to be that it is persistent, which may explain why you can't leave therapy.
I have never heard of secondary gain before, so I don't know exactly what you mean, but I'm guessing you're saying I'm hoping my therapist will comfort me or something like that. Have I understood you correctly?
I definitely *wish* my therapist would comfort me, but I don't *expect* him to comfort me. What I'd like is to be able to talk about that desire for comfort. I can understand him avoiding any gratification of my wish for comfort, but I don't understand why he avoids discussing it. Avoidance of the discussion doesn’t minimise my investment in the desire for comfort.
> Considering you had a bad relationship with your father, maybe secondary gain would be less of a problem if you had a female therapist.
Well, my relationship with my mother hasn't been ideal either...
> I think your therapy should focus on CBT in order to deal with how you think about the unhealthy relationship with your father.
I did CBT before (with the same therapist) and I found it useful for my feelings of incompetence at work and for problems in current relationships, but I didn't find it so useful for the past problems with my father. In fact, my therapist seemed to think (when I came back for more therapy) that the best approach for me was psychodynamic therapy. I'm sure he had his reasons for that.
> You need to look at who your father is/was and try to find a cognitive way of accepting his flaws. This is the hard part, a good therapist will help you find those thoughts so you can move on in life.
I agree that finding a cognitive way of accepting my father's flaws is difficult. However, I have pretty much done that work and have repaired my relationship with my father. The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is repairing the damage that was done to me psychologically when things were very bad with my father... the way his bullying and neglect had shaped my perspective on other relationships, for example.
I've wanted to consider my attachment to my therapist and my experience of transference a therapeutic opportunity (even if it's an opportunity that I can't seem to make much of at the moment). I'm interested that you don't seem to see things that way. On what basis would you decide whether CBT or psychodynamic therapy is best for a particular person? What’s your theoretical perspective? I’m curious about why you think I should do CBT instead of psychodynamic work.
Thanks for your thoughts on all this.
Posted by Daisym on December 27, 2006, at 19:15:06
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » dessbee, posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 16:27:50
****I have never heard of secondary gain before, so I don't know exactly what you mean, but I'm guessing you're saying I'm hoping my therapist will comfort me or something like that. Have I understood you correctly?
>>>Secondary gains come in when you get something from a behavior that on the surface you want to extinguish. It falls along side the co-dependent stuff - and why in systems therapy the whole family is likely to try to keep the system in equilibrium thus resisting change, even good change. Freud talked about it as negative attention and we still talk with parents about this concept. All that said, I don't think you are staying with this therapist due to any secondary gains, I think you've been clear that your primary motivator *is* your attachment.
****I definitely *wish* my therapist would comfort me, but I don't *expect* him to comfort me. What I'd like is to be able to talk about that desire for comfort. I can understand him avoiding any gratification of my wish for comfort, but I don't understand why he avoids discussing it. Avoidance of the discussion doesn’t minimize my investment in the desire for comfort.
>>>>OK, I don't get this. I know it is common for therapists to avoid "gratification" especially of archaic needs, but isn't feeling better the primary reason people go to therapy? And of course you want your therapist to provide security and comfort, even if it is "just" in their presence. I've just finished rereading "A General Theory of Love" and I am reminded of his thoughts on therapy. He makes the case that we imprint our specific therapist, if it is the right one, and that the attachment is not interchangeable. And he talks about limbic connections, and how important it is to give the relationship time to grow and influence our perceptions of the world. No matter how badly we want to speed up the process, you just can't. Emotional change is an excruciatingly slow process and tons of hard, painful work. We can totally understand why we react the way we do, and where it came from, and yet time after time, we continue to react the same way. We haven't shifted our emotional encyclopedia; we still decode everything from our personal historical version.I think research has shown over and over again that it isn't the type of therapy that effects change as much as it is the relationship and connectedness between the therapist and the patient. Relationships take time and proximity. When I get twisted up (like I did today) about how much time I spend talking about therapy itself, instead of my "real" issues, my therapist always says in sort of an exasperated way, "Daisy - this IS what you should be talking about. Accepting that you need me and allowing me to help, IS your therapy."
I'm glad you are going to write about what you want to say. I think it will help.
Posted by Tamar on December 28, 2006, at 17:36:27
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Daisym on December 27, 2006, at 19:15:06
> >>>Secondary gains come in when you get something from a behavior that on the surface you want to extinguish. It falls along side the co-dependent stuff - and why in systems therapy the whole family is likely to try to keep the system in equilibrium thus resisting change, even good change. Freud talked about it as negative attention and we still talk with parents about this concept. All that said, I don't think you are staying with this therapist due to any secondary gains, I think you've been clear that your primary motivator *is* your attachment.
Thanks Daisy; that makes a lot of sense. I'm not aware of any secondary gain I'm trying to get; of course, it could be unconscious. But even then I'd expect him to address it head on rather than avoid it.
> ****I definitely *wish* my therapist would comfort me, but I don't *expect* him to comfort me. What I'd like is to be able to talk about that desire for comfort. I can understand him avoiding any gratification of my wish for comfort, but I don't understand why he avoids discussing it. Avoidance of the discussion doesn’t minimize my investment in the desire for comfort.
> >>>>OK, I don't get this. I know it is common for therapists to avoid "gratification" especially of archaic needs, but isn't feeling better the primary reason people go to therapy? And of course you want your therapist to provide security and comfort, even if it is "just" in their presence. I've just finished rereading "A General Theory of Love" and I am reminded of his thoughts on therapy. He makes the case that we imprint our specific therapist, if it is the right one, and that the attachment is not interchangeable. And he talks about limbic connections, and how important it is to give the relationship time to grow and influence our perceptions of the world. No matter how badly we want to speed up the process, you just can't. Emotional change is an excruciatingly slow process and tons of hard, painful work. We can totally understand why we react the way we do, and where it came from, and yet time after time, we continue to react the same way. We haven't shifted our emotional encyclopedia; we still decode everything from our personal historical version.Yeah. I can feel it happening and I know where it's coming from, but I just haven't practised alternative responses enough, or something.
> I think research has shown over and over again that it isn't the type of therapy that effects change as much as it is the relationship and connectedness between the therapist and the patient. Relationships take time and proximity. When I get twisted up (like I did today) about how much time I spend talking about therapy itself, instead of my "real" issues, my therapist always says in sort of an exasperated way, "Daisy - this IS what you should be talking about. Accepting that you need me and allowing me to help, IS your therapy."That's the therapy I want to do...
> I'm glad you are going to write about what you want to say. I think it will help.
>I'll try... but something else happened today...
Posted by Daisym on December 28, 2006, at 20:25:28
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 28, 2006, at 17:36:27
So? Can we help with the something else? I hope you are OK. Today must have been the day of hard sessions. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
You can babblemail me too.
-Daisy
Posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 4:23:02
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Daisym on December 28, 2006, at 20:25:28
> So? Can we help with the something else? I hope you are OK. Today must have been the day of hard sessions. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
Sadly mine wasn't a session. It was another sighting. My therapist said he was going to be off work this week as well, but yesterday I passed his offce and he was there again. (I'm not stalking him; I was with my family and the place we were going took us past his office.)
I just don't get it. I even talked to my husband about it and he suggested maybe my therapist is having an affair with one of his colleagues and they can only meet at the office! Somehow I prefer that idea to the idea that he's not being truthful with me, or avoiding me.
It's still a week until my next appointment. I almost never catch sight of him in the real world, so I'm finding this quite hard. I'm feeling horribly paraoid, and that's not something I can make any sense of. I'd like to attribute it to transference, but I don't remember ever thinking people were lying to me before. I've never been a suspicious person until now. I don't understand it at all and I'm feeling really crazy.
I keep trying to focus on the facts, which are:
He told me he was taking a couple of weeks off.
He scheduled a three week break between my last appointment and my next appointment.
He has been at the office at least twice during the last two weeks but he hasn't been meeting with me.But then my irrational side tries to fill in the blanks. He lied to me. He's avoiding me. He changed his mind about taking time off but didn't contact me to offer me an appointment. When he said he was taking two weeks off work, he meant only his work with me, and not his work with everyone else. There's something profoundly disgusting about me that he doesn't want to have to encounter.
I know I should bring it up with him when we meet next Friday, but I desperately want to pretend it didn't happen and that nothing is wrong. I'll walk into the room and sit opposite him and I'll feel so relieved that he's still there that I will welcome the opportunity to pretend I wasn't angry or hurt. I just want everything to be OK again.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2006, at 9:35:03
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 4:23:02
Do you feel comfortable mentioning that you and your family happened to pass by his office and saw him there? I *think* I could do it, but I'm not sure.
The truth is usually better than our imagining.
There are lots of reasonable possibilities. Perhaps he left his glasses there, or he got an emergency call about one of his clients, or he was called to a staff meeting with the head of the clinic.
Of course, if he's blank slatish, he likely won't tell you, just talk about what you saw and how you felt. Ugh. I'm glad my therapist tells me everything on earth with only the mildest prompting (except of course if he's about to leave town or take a full time job).
Posted by caraher on December 29, 2006, at 12:00:34
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 4:23:02
(((Tamar)))
Perhaps he's taking a few weeks off from therapy sessions, but needs to do other work. Maybe he really isn't working at all... maybe he's just in his office playing computer games or something! It's surely nothing personal!
Posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 14:05:49
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 4:23:02
My first instinct is to comfort you and offer all the reasons that he could have been at his office. I know my agency is closed for 2 weeks and yet I've been there just about every day for one thing or another. But...
I find myself furious for you! Given the missed appointments, and the forgetting and the lateness, I would agree with your not-so-paranoid side that something is up. What is that saying? "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not being followed." Tamar, I think you HAVE to bring all this up. Outline it like he would. What would he think if you were doing all of this, wouldn't he wonder what you were avoiding and how the therapy is going? I know he is sort of a blank slate therapist, but there is a line where not knowing makes a client worse, it isn't helpful. If it was me, I wouldn't wait until next Friday. I'd be calling and leaving a message about how distraught I was. I can't imagine how hurt you are and how impossible it must feel to wait.
I find myself hoping for a simple, easy explanation, like he left his glasses or had an emergency. You've known for awhile that you need to confront this. It seems to me that it is now confronting you. Don't you hate theraputic opportunities for growth when they are of the painful sort? I'm sending you strength and good energy. Hang in there.
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2006, at 14:26:46
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 14:05:49
You had a difficult session last time? I'm glad to know not everyone is off this week.
Posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 17:55:33
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2006, at 14:26:46
I saw him Wed and Thursday. I don't see him again until Tuesday. He was clearly worried about that yesterday, as I cried through the whole session. But the tears are over old stuff, and bad dreams and unmet needs. Not therapy angst, at least not completely. There is a lingering hurt between us that occured this time last year. I'm sort of shocked how it has come up for me again, I thought we'd talked it out.
Ever wonder if therapy would be this hard if there was no relationship to contend with?! Robots, we all need robots...
Ok -- maybe not...
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2006, at 18:02:36
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Dinah, posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 17:55:33
I was telling my therapist I'd be using Risperdal while he was gone, but that he had a more tolerable side effect profile. And he laughed and said that there were side effects, though. And I'd have to agree with that. :)
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 29, 2006, at 19:37:19
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 4:23:02
Hi, Tamar. I know I'm hopping in in the middle of this thread, but I have to share my recent experience with my T.
In September, she told me she was taking a week of vacation to care for her granddaughter. Not a problem, although I knew it would be hard to not meet for two weeks. Then I called her voice mail the first weekend to leave her a message for after her vacation and noticed she didn't change her message. No big deal -- I figured she forgot.
Then the following Tuesday, I drove by her office on the way to the library and there was her car. I nearly had a canniption. I waited about 30 minutes and then called her voice mail and said, "I saw your car at the office and I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD LIE TO ME. Maybe you're just keeping your granddaughter on my regular therapy day and didn't want to reschedule, but YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THESE THINGS. And you have to be truthful, because if I can't trust YOU, WHO CAN I TRUST?"
She called me the next day and I was too mad to take her call. So she left a message and said that she got my message and she hoped that I had had time to think that through and come to a different conclusion. Then she said she would call me back later. So I called her voice mail and she had changed it to say she was out until the following Wednesday. So the week was slightly different than what I was expecting, but it was still a week. I felt like the biggest loser ever.
She called me back and asked me if I had come to a different conclusion. I was completely honest with her and said, "No, not on my own. That's not the way this works. By the middle of the night, the story I told myself was that you just didn't want to meet with ME." She just said she knew and she understood, but she hoped that I would file this experience away for the next time something similar happens. And I said, "But I CAN'T keep putting myself or you through all this drama. I've lost another night's sleep, I accused you of being a big, fat liar -- I just can't keep doing this." At which point she said it was okay, I shouldn't beat myself up over this, that I'm still learning a new way of dealing with issues like this, etc. She also said that although there were any number of reasons her car could have been at the office (she was showing off her grandchild, she was dropping something off, etc.) that in fact she had planned to take Tuesday off as well, but she had to go in for an emergency session and she would have done the same thing for me if the situation called for it. She was actually very, very sweet about it and when we revisted it several weeks later, all was well and I think it strengthened our connection.
So I would encourage you to talk to your T about seeing his car at the office (of course, without all the drama I included) and see what explanation he offers. I know for many of us, it's so hard to trust anyone -- even if we have lots of experience with them being trustworthy. But I don't think this issue will go away for you until and unless you get some answers from him.
Just my hard-won 2 cents...
Posted by orchid on December 31, 2006, at 14:12:39
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Daisym, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 4:23:02
Hi Tamar,
Nice to see your posts, and am sad that you are feeling depressed.IMHO, it is best to just avoid all sorts of complicated relationships. Life has its own set of problems to add one more unwanted thing to its list.
For whatever reason, your therapist is not doing what he should be doing for you. And I know you are realizing it, but still are finding it difficult to leave him.
Maybe one thing you can do is to try to visualize yourself in a more positive relationship. Visualizing is very powerful when just knowing the right thing is not working out - from what I have heard. Maybe you can try that.
Posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 16:54:00
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2006, at 9:35:03
> Do you feel comfortable mentioning that you and your family happened to pass by his office and saw him there? I *think* I could do it, but I'm not sure.
I can imagine being able to do it, but I don't know whether I can do it when I'm really there, in his office, sitting just a few feet away from him.
> The truth is usually better than our imagining.
>
> There are lots of reasonable possibilities. Perhaps he left his glasses there, or he got an emergency call about one of his clients, or he was called to a staff meeting with the head of the clinic.
>
> Of course, if he's blank slatish, he likely won't tell you, just talk about what you saw and how you felt. Ugh. I'm glad my therapist tells me everything on earth with only the mildest prompting (except of course if he's about to leave town or take a full time job).The thing is... I've been seeing him long enough that I can read his reactions pretty well. He may think he's a blank slate, but if I phrase the question right, I'll know whether he was seeing clients, even if he says absolutely nothing. And I want to know. I guess that's entrapment; so sue me!
I really think I need to talk to him about it. And I know the important thing is my reaction rather than establishing how he spent his time the last two weeks. Argh! Just a few more days to try to find a way to force myself to tell him.
Posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 16:57:02
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy?, posted by caraher on December 29, 2006, at 12:00:34
> (((Tamar)))
>
> Perhaps he's taking a few weeks off from therapy sessions, but needs to do other work. Maybe he really isn't working at all... maybe he's just in his office playing computer games or something! It's surely nothing personal!I like the computer games idea. Of course, he'd have to make the half hour drive from his home to his office to do that...
See, I really want to believe it's nothing personal. And I really don't understand my paranoia about this. Damn therapy!
Posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 17:15:28
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 14:05:49
> My first instinct is to comfort you and offer all the reasons that he could have been at his office. I know my agency is closed for 2 weeks and yet I've been there just about every day for one thing or another. But...
>
> I find myself furious for you! Given the missed appointments, and the forgetting and the lateness, I would agree with your not-so-paranoid side that something is up. What is that saying? "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not being followed." Tamar, I think you HAVE to bring all this up. Outline it like he would. What would he think if you were doing all of this, wouldn't he wonder what you were avoiding and how the therapy is going? I know he is sort of a blank slate therapist, but there is a line where not knowing makes a client worse, it isn't helpful. If it was me, I wouldn't wait until next Friday. I'd be calling and leaving a message about how distraught I was. I can't imagine how hurt you are and how impossible it must feel to wait.I REALLY have to talk about it. I can't just let it slide. I've been feeling wretched for days. I'd call him but I'm useless on the phone; I really need to see his reactions when I speak to him.
> I find myself hoping for a simple, easy explanation, like he left his glasses or had an emergency. You've known for awhile that you need to confront this. It seems to me that it is now confronting you. Don't you hate theraputic opportunities for growth when they are of the painful sort? I'm sending you strength and good energy. Hang in there.
Thanks. Y'know, I think the worst part of this is the sense that it's yet another thing in my list of grievances. It could have been anything; it jut happened to be discovering that he was at the office when I thought he was supposed to be at home.
He says it's OK for me to shout at him, but so far I've resisted... maybe it's time for a brawl!
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