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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rubenstein on November 15, 2006, at 19:15:31
I really like my T. He has done so much for me yet I am always afraid of abandonment even though he keeps assuring me that he won't do that. I care so much about him, why can't I trust that he cares about me. Maybe I trust it but am afraid to accept it?
Sometimes therapy is hard.
any thoughts?
sorry I have been so quiet
life has been kicking me pretty hard lately
I started crying when he said he wanted me to get better
like I couldn't meet his expectation
but that is not what he meant at all
he just cares and hates to see me in pain
everyone does
so do i
rach
Posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 20:01:08
In reply to Why is it so hard to accept my T's care, posted by rubenstein on November 15, 2006, at 19:15:31
If you find out the secret to how to trust that your T cares, let me in on it. I have such a hard time with it. Sorry I don't have more words of advice. But I think the answer is just keep on trying, and eventually it gets better.
((((((rubenstein)))))
sunnydays
Posted by Daisym on November 15, 2006, at 20:01:21
In reply to Why is it so hard to accept my T's care, posted by rubenstein on November 15, 2006, at 19:15:31
Rachel,
Trusting completely is something that everyone has a hard time doing. And the losses you've had this year are more than anyone person should have to face. So it makes perfect sense to me that you don't trust the Universe to not take away your therapist also. Random things happen and they hurt, hurt, hurt.
But your therapist is strong and he takes good care of himself. He cares about you and he has shown it in many ways. Let yourself take in his caring and try not to project two years, or four years or ten years into the future. Just accept it now and let him help you feel better. That way you don't have to keep wondering if it is trustworthy -- it just is. He cares about you. Period.
Therapy *is* hard. Super hard. You are brave to keep putting yourself out there. No worries about being absent. You have a lot going on.
love and hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 15, 2006, at 21:44:30
In reply to Re: Why is it so hard to accept my T's care » rubenstein, posted by Daisym on November 15, 2006, at 20:01:21
Rachel,
I'm sorry it hurts- just remember that the reason why you are having abandonment issues is because you've formed a healthy attachment to your T. You know that he helps, and you anticipate needing help. I think it's wonderful to know that he'll be there- is there some symbol of him that you can carry with you? A mental image? Something that he has said to you?I think I carry a mental image, a physical picture or a token around-- for the people that have made a difference in my life. My calculus teacher who wouldn't let me quit. My violin teacher who caught me (and my violin!) when I fainted. My college professors who went above and beyond. My pdoc. My oldT. My doctoral advisor. My newT. My husband. My kitty.
If you can train your mind to find a comforting image of the positive figures in your life, well, you will ALWAYS have them with you. Then it's not so scary to say bye at the end of a tough session. They will be with you.
((((T's business card))))
(((((T's voice mail)))))
((((((((memory of her voice))))))))that's all- and you may hurt, but that's because you feel attachment, which is a sign of growing trust.
take care,
-Li
Posted by madeline on November 16, 2006, at 6:58:11
In reply to Why is it so hard to accept my T's care, posted by rubenstein on November 15, 2006, at 19:15:31
I do understand where you are in your relationship with your T. Trusting someone is ridiculously hard when sometimes it feels as though every one has let you down.
I think as humans we are hard wired to trust and love others. When that trust is breached so many times, we are forced to go against our true nature, trust no one, and that causes us a lot of conflict.
It's like we say "I want to trust you with all my heart, but I can't - I just can't" and we are ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble.
The key is being able to tolerate that trouble and trust anyway and that takes time.
I think that the more you talk to your T about this, the more you tell him when he does something wrong and the more he responds positively to your concerns the easier it will be for you to trust him.
It's not that he is never going to hurt or abandon you - in reality he probably will. He is human. BUT you will develop the confidence in the relationship to say "that's alright - you let me down, but it's not bolt worthy". That is real trust.
Right now, it sounds as though you are ready to just "try it on". And that's progress. You are realizing the conflict that you feel. And that is progress too.
YOU are not letting everyone down. YOU are moving to where you want to be. This is hard stuff. LIFE is hard stuff.
It certainly sounds to me as though you are navigating these waters really well.
Of course you are, you are one TOUGH cookie.
I'll be thinking of you.
Love
Maddie
Posted by rubenstein on November 16, 2006, at 16:50:53
In reply to Re: Why is it so hard to accept my T's care » rubenstein, posted by Daisym on November 15, 2006, at 20:01:21
>Daisy M, You write so elegantly and it was so touching, Thanks for helping me feel better and more able to accept his care
thanks for your thoughtfullness and emphathy
hugs
rachelRachel,
>
> Trusting completely is something that everyone has a hard time doing. And the losses you've had this year are more than anyone person should have to face. So it makes perfect sense to me that you don't trust the Universe to not take away your therapist also. Random things happen and they hurt, hurt, hurt.
>
> But your therapist is strong and he takes good care of himself. He cares about you and he has shown it in many ways. Let yourself take in his caring and try not to project two years, or four years or ten years into the future. Just accept it now and let him help you feel better. That way you don't have to keep wondering if it is trustworthy -- it just is. He cares about you. Period.
>
> Therapy *is* hard. Super hard. You are brave to keep putting yourself out there. No worries about being absent. You have a lot going on.
>
> love and hugs,
> Daisy
Posted by rubenstein on November 16, 2006, at 16:52:23
In reply to Re: Why is it so hard to accept my T's care » Daisym, posted by Lindenblüte on November 15, 2006, at 21:44:30
> that is a really good idea, I have a business card with his home phone that he wrote on the back when I was having a bad crisis, perhaps that can be something I can hold onto.
thank you
rachel
Rachel,> I'm sorry it hurts- just remember that the reason why you are having abandonment issues is because you've formed a healthy attachment to your T. You know that he helps, and you anticipate needing help. I think it's wonderful to know that he'll be there- is there some symbol of him that you can carry with you? A mental image? Something that he has said to you?
>
> I think I carry a mental image, a physical picture or a token around-- for the people that have made a difference in my life. My calculus teacher who wouldn't let me quit. My violin teacher who caught me (and my violin!) when I fainted. My college professors who went above and beyond. My pdoc. My oldT. My doctoral advisor. My newT. My husband. My kitty.
>
> If you can train your mind to find a comforting image of the positive figures in your life, well, you will ALWAYS have them with you. Then it's not so scary to say bye at the end of a tough session. They will be with you.
>
> ((((T's business card))))
> (((((T's voice mail)))))
> ((((((((memory of her voice))))))))
>
> that's all- and you may hurt, but that's because you feel attachment, which is a sign of growing trust.
>
> take care,
> -Li
Posted by rubenstein on November 16, 2006, at 16:53:53
In reply to Re: Why is it so hard to accept my T's care » rubenstein, posted by madeline on November 16, 2006, at 6:58:11
>I guess it is some progress,
hmmm
thanks for giving me a lot of food for thought
rach
I do understand where you are in your relationship with your T. Trusting someone is ridiculously hard when sometimes it feels as though every one has let you down.
>
> I think as humans we are hard wired to trust and love others. When that trust is breached so many times, we are forced to go against our true nature, trust no one, and that causes us a lot of conflict.
>
> It's like we say "I want to trust you with all my heart, but I can't - I just can't" and we are ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble.
>
> The key is being able to tolerate that trouble and trust anyway and that takes time.
>
> I think that the more you talk to your T about this, the more you tell him when he does something wrong and the more he responds positively to your concerns the easier it will be for you to trust him.
>
> It's not that he is never going to hurt or abandon you - in reality he probably will. He is human. BUT you will develop the confidence in the relationship to say "that's alright - you let me down, but it's not bolt worthy". That is real trust.
>
> Right now, it sounds as though you are ready to just "try it on". And that's progress. You are realizing the conflict that you feel. And that is progress too.
>
> YOU are not letting everyone down. YOU are moving to where you want to be. This is hard stuff. LIFE is hard stuff.
>
> It certainly sounds to me as though you are navigating these waters really well.
>
> Of course you are, you are one TOUGH cookie.
>
> I'll be thinking of you.
>
> Love
>
> Maddie
Posted by rubenstein on November 16, 2006, at 16:54:54
In reply to Re: Why is it so hard to accept my T's care » rubenstein, posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 20:01:08
>Maybe we it will come to us in a dream one day and we can have a good laugh together
thanks for your caring
rachelIf you find out the secret to how to trust that your T cares, let me in on it. I have such a hard time with it. Sorry I don't have more words of advice. But I think the answer is just keep on trying, and eventually it gets better.
>
> ((((((rubenstein)))))
>
> sunnydays
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