Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 699952

Shown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Elaine

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:41:28

I just wanted you to know I'm continuing to read your posts, I just don't know what to say to be helpful right now.

Hang in there,

MidnightBlue

 

Re: Elaine

Posted by wishingstar on November 3, 2006, at 7:25:55

In reply to Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:41:28

Me too Elaine. I'm reading and thinking about you.. I think about you often outside the boards actually. I really hope you're doing okay. Hang in there.

 

Re: Elaine » wishingstar

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 4, 2006, at 23:05:30

In reply to Re: Elaine, posted by wishingstar on November 3, 2006, at 7:25:55

Hi Elaine,
tooth buddy- How are you today?

warm thoughts,
-Li

 

body and head stuff

Posted by ElaineM on November 5, 2006, at 23:40:06

In reply to Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:41:28

Sorry. I'm back around. I'm really ill. I saw the female "full-disclosure" doctor on Tuesday. My T forced me to even though she had asked me not to come back for a month. It was that or he would make me go to the ER. She was so concerned. I can't eat or drink. I'm so thirsty. (Other stuff too but not the best subject) She called the specialist when I was getting dressed and said he had to see me asap. They called my home, and the earliest he could have me in is this Tuesday (and then he goes on vacation). I've been focusing on riding out the weekend. I don't want to go to the ER without getting this guy onboard. But I'm barely hanging on. I'm so afraid. I'm terrified of the hospital (since all the stuff that happened last year). But I'm hoping he will admit me after our meeting cause I just can't take it anymore. I can't do it. The pain is so bad. It wakes me from sleep. I can't sit. I have stabbing pains in my upper legs. I don't understand. I'm afraid.

Two Thursday's ago I had a breakdown of sorts on here. I ended up contacting a helplady/community-thing the morning after and she returned my message. I had an apointment set up then for this past week. I had been hinting at it here, but was too afraid to announce it incase I chickened out. I didn't want to just have more sh*tty news that's been so typical of me. But I knew that it was toss-up as to whether I'd be brave/desperate/whatever/healthy enough to drag myself there.

I went. It wasn't what I expected - hippie-like and laid back. The young woman (grad student?) was very nice though, just not what I expected. She even asked me what my sign was at one point. But I told her everything, pretty much. She said he was definately being abusive, even if we hadn't slept together, or anything like that. She said that regardless of his problems, he's been trained to recognize when he's in trouble and should've initiated a help process for himself. She said he's expected to know better. I could not make her understand that he doesn't *know* he's doing this. But she did understand how I need help with my health being so poor. Basically she asked if having someone to be (though she said "seem")available when I'm sick, is worth the cost of the mental turmoil and my heart. And I thought about it and said Yes. I told her that if you're not in this position then you can't understand. But there's no question the answer is Yes. She looked sad and said that she probably couldn't know how terrifying it is to not have your health and mobility to draw upon. I told her that I may have had a different answer if I was well, but I don't have enough to gamble with right now, especially without another T helping.

She told me that the free therapist's they send people to were full but I could go on a wait-list if I wanted. It could take several months. I figured as much. She wrote down some numbers that I already had - T's colleague works at one! She said the "call another one" broken-record line. I nodded and said thanks but was already starting to cry. Oh, she also told me that really no one would let this slide if I ever mentioned revealing information (name, practice address, co-workers...). She agreed that it's too bad that board regulations seem more important than helping an individual person. Why is getting him in trouble more important than me being able to talk to someone freely? She was lovely and soft spoken and kind. She talked to me for two hours - it was mostly taken up with me blabbing a long, short-recap of the past few months. I even brought in his latest journal work that he gives me to comment on, but I didn't take it out of my purse cause I was able to say it all without help. I thanked her again and told her that I would be fine, that I didn't even know why I had come in the first place, that it is always better to be loved and I'm stronger than I often think. But she knew what I was doing and told me I didn't have to say that. I'm a broken record too :( I told her that I knew not to expect much going into the day, but that I think I had just wanted to talk to someone else for even just a little. And I went home.

So that's it. I'm all alone with this. There really is no one. My words will always push people away. But I'm not frantic about it now. I tried as much as I could but something doesn't just come into existence cause I need or want it. I'm done with trying. I'm just going to do whatever's called for, and I will be alright in my head. And I will give myself to the specialist and hope for the best. I'm terrified but it's like it's frozen under a layer of me. I don't feel like I care anymore about much. I just want the hours to move faster cause I can't stand being in agony for so long. :"( This weekend has felt like an eternity. Sorry if this was robot sounding, writing is hard, but I can't only post tear-faces, can I. And you guys asked, so I'd want you to know stuff.
[you three are dear for asking, (((hugs))) to share]

 

Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM

Posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 7:35:20

In reply to body and head stuff, posted by ElaineM on November 5, 2006, at 23:40:06

(((((((((((((((Elaine))))))))))))))

You are so brave and strong. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Good job for going to see that crisis counselor. Did you put yourself on the wait list or decide against that? You are taking care of yourself the best way you know how.

sunnydays

 

Re: body and head stuff » sunnydays

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 6, 2006, at 9:00:55

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM, posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 7:35:20

Hi Elaine,
your words don't push people away. The T you saw wasn't repelled. You said she was really kind, and it seems like she did a good job of listening to you, without judging you as harshly as you judge yourself.

Please try to stay hydrated. The rest can wait for a better time, but in order to keep yourself going for a weekend, you've got to keep some fluids going in and out. Gatorade, peppermint tea with lots of honey, even a nutrition shake, if you can manage it.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You are a tough cookie, though. I have no idea how you find the strength to post such a clear and evocative update on your stuff! My thoughts get so fuzzy when I'm feeling bad.

Anyways,
sending you more warm thoughts, and hoping you can enjoy a few moments of relief here and there. Can you look out of a window, and try to find something pretty out there in your world? I'll be thinking of you ((((((hugs)))))). I think the moon is full (or close to full tonight). So I'll be out howling. Maybe if you listen closely you'll hear me?

-Li

 

Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM

Posted by muffled on November 6, 2006, at 10:56:45

In reply to body and head stuff, posted by ElaineM on November 5, 2006, at 23:40:06

Oh (((El))(gentle hugs)
I have been reading and following and wishing I could do more :-(
But really you seem to be doing all that you can from my point of view....
I'm glad your T pushed you to goto doctor. That was good of him. I guess he's not all bad, just a little messed up.
I have no words to express my sorrow for what you are going thru, its beyond my words. I feel so helpless to say anything useful. That whatever I could possibly say is just to banal and dumb.
I hope things go well with specialist and they can start to work on whatever it is that is going on with your body.
I wish you weren't so alone. I totally see why you keep that T of yours. Its better that being alone, even if it has its own problems.
I think you are doing well to keep on with your T search.
I think you are wonderful to post so those of us that are following can know your OK.
Wish you had a religion like I do. I get HUGE amount of comfort from my God. Not always but often. And its a deep inside comfort. I couldn't survive w/o it. I often wonder if there is something, that mebbe you don't even realize, that sustains you thru this?
Anyhow, I wish you some measure of peace, and I send thots and prayers your way.
And to your T too, cuz there's goto be some goodness in him, even if he's screwed up right now. Mebbe he's just doing the best that he's able to also.
Sigh.
Its all so complicated.
Take care,
Muffled

 

phooey- my post above for Elaine. Sorry Sunny! (nm) » Lindenblüte

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 6, 2006, at 13:10:39

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » sunnydays, posted by Lindenblüte on November 6, 2006, at 9:00:55

 

Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 6, 2006, at 16:48:17

In reply to body and head stuff, posted by ElaineM on November 5, 2006, at 23:40:06

Elaine,

So proud of you for talking to that doctor and pretty much telling all. Not sure what happened to you at the hospital a year ago....did you ever say? You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to.

Go on the wait list for the free T. You can always change your mind if you don't like him/her.

Tomorrow is the doctor. Do what you have to do to get better. If that means going to the hospital you can do it.

Hugs,
Midnightblue


 

blaming and fear » sunnydays

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 20:30:09

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM, posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 7:35:20

Thanks Sunny (all you guys). I appreciate your support. My worst fear is that when something finally does happen to me no one will even notice. No one except him. But other then that, I could live in a hospital bed and there wouldn't be a single ripple in the rest of the world. I guess that's what happens when you live your life alone - I feel like I wrapped myself in an eating disorder and a few other of the main diagnosis, delaying life and contact with the world. And now, when the strongest of those crutches is gone (and the liability of the others are magnified) I'm left with a gaping hole when I need help the most. I'm so down on myself lately, and really judgemental about my part in creating all this mental illness. I'm usually kinder to myself. But it's easy to be that way when things are going alright-ish. Impossible now.

Sunny I didn't (or haven't yet) called the person for the wait-list. I'd forgotten about it this weekend. Plus, it could take a few months. I've never really been great at believing that a future that far away will exist for me. I'll think about it more when I get better.
thanks for thinking of me.
blove EL

 

body and head stuff » Lindenblüte

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 20:34:02

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » sunnydays, posted by Lindenblüte on November 6, 2006, at 9:00:55

((Li)), I'm trying to eat and drink. I'm so thirsty, I would love to drink a can of pop (I've been craving one for months), but even water. I can tolerate half a cup though, but usually that's not enough to not be perpetually thirsty. The eating is the worst. I've never allowed myself to get this hungry in about 14months. I can't do anything about it, but it's really quite upsetting.
I don't believe that my words push people away because they come from me - but more that the content will always repell others (70% the T stuff and 30% the AN credibility-taint). I don't think the woman-girl I spoke with found me distasteful - if she did, she hid it well cause she was nice.
I think this type and duration of pain makes my head clear(or straighten out in a way). It's very hard to drift - it's always anchoring me in the moment. That's scarey to me. No breaks :-( Plus when my head isn't fuzzed out that's when depression (or whatever) can combine with resolve, that's when I can find momentum. Sometimes that's good, cause it's been in intense pain moments that I've phoned! multiple doctors to test out, shown up to clinics, went back to Disclosure-Doc though I wasn't "supposed" to. But those bursts tend to be like a calm before the storm. A last attempt. A grasping a straws. When I ran out of steam from one of those bursts in Feb, that's when I got suicidal. I'm fine right now, at least for today - I think my body's taking care of any harm I'm put myself in. *sigh*
Something pretty?........Actually for some stupid reason I noticed the sunset yesterday. I thought it looked like molten lava. Neon orange...I don't know if I thought it was pretty or just odd. I never usually notice things like that....Does that count? <:)
blove, EL

 

Re: body and head stuff » muffled

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 20:36:45

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM, posted by muffled on November 6, 2006, at 10:56:45

Muff, It's only been recently (like the past few years) that I've wished I had faith in something. It is a comfort to alot of people, and I've wanted to have the same. I wonder if that's selfish. Anyways, I'm glad you get comfort that way. And I do think that T is not all bad - he's very hurt and needing alot of help now, that's all. It's not him, it's his blindness that's bad - and I'm trying very hard to keep viewing the two seperately.

Yes, it's complicated to say the least.

(((mufflie))) Thanks for caring.
blove, EL

 

hospital fear/phobia? ****trigger » MidnightBlue

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 21:00:46

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on November 6, 2006, at 16:48:17

MidnightBlue, I think I will go on the list eventually. It's not gonna get any shorter.

The thing about hospitals, I think I've touched on it here and there. Two months before I reached my termination date with LadyT, a family member I was *very* close to (someone who made childhood happy whenever they were around) died a hard death from cancer. The month before I left her, another (but not *as* close) died. Four weeks after my last session an extended family member died. Alot of time was dedicated to death-stuff then.

Last year I helped with palliative care for my grandma following her around from rehab hospital to the regular one where she died.

THree months later my grandfather took to the hospital and one thing kept snowballing into another (he was very old) and he had a stroke there and he became paralyzed on one side. I had to take care of him (my mother was also there, but wouldn't get involved emotionally), like body stuff (he couldn't stand or hear out of one ear or speak). Not long after he became suicidal and would rip out his tubes, cathetars, IVs... The hospital wouldn't pay for a professional sitter so we had to do alternating round the clock shifts. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Teaching myself to empty tubes, reattach stuff, when the ward was virtually abandoned at night. We couldn't sleep. You blink your eyes for two seconds and a tube would be out - and then another re-insertion, another trip up to xray. He wanted it so bad that you had to be hyper-vigilant every single second that you were "on duty". Anyways, I'll cut out more graphic stuff. I walked in one morning with my mother and we found him ....I'll just say dying. I can't describe the stuff I saw and heard. I remember running out into the hallway yelling for help. A woman visiting her mother a few rooms down came out and started frantically searching for staff for us. I can't explain what I felt like - my body was electrostatic one second, and the next thing I was lying wretching on the floor, unable to summon control of my muscles. Anyways, we found out that a tube had been inserted incorrectly (wasn't checked by xray). He couldn't communicate and so couldn't explain the pain he was feeling and.... it lead to a pretty brutal death. That's why I'd do anything to make sure I have someone reliable to speak for me, and stay with me, and be treated with more respect by the staff.
The nurses were having a going away party for a co-worker down in the lounge at the end of the wing while he was dying alone. :"( ....They said they had checked everyone before they went....but the timelines don't match up......

This past April an aunt also died from a brutal battle with cancer. This had all been in the past 2.5 years. I was already afraid of doctors before but now certain sounds and smells give me flashbacks. They wanted to diagnos PTSD at first. I didn't want it for some reason. I'm sure I'd go mad if I had to stay in the hospital. I've only seen people be mistreated and die in there. They'd at least have to load me up on tranqs. I'm having a hard time communitcating the extent of how much I fear the hospital. Plus, interms of my own conditions, my faith in the medical profession has been absolutely, completely, destroyed. So that's my long-winded response [sorry <:) ]

I'm sooooooooo terrified of tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm gonna tolerate it. :"( I can't imagine it. I'm so afraid. :"(

thanks for listening, blove EL

 

hospital fear/phobia? ****trigger » MidnightBlue

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 21:00:53

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on November 6, 2006, at 16:48:17

MidnightBlue, I think I will go on the list eventually. It's not gonna get any shorter.

The thing about hospitals, I think I've touched on it here and there. Two months before I reached my termination date with LadyT, a family member I was *very* close to (someone who made childhood happy whenever they were around) died a hard death from cancer. The month before I left her, another (but not *as* close) died. Four weeks after my last session an extended family member died. Alot of time was dedicated to death-stuff then.

Last year I helped with palliative care for my grandma following her around from rehab hospital to the regular one where she died.

THree months later my grandfather took to the hospital and one thing kept snowballing into another (he was very old) and he had a stroke there and he became paralyzed on one side. I had to take care of him (my mother was also there, but wouldn't get involved emotionally), like body stuff (he couldn't stand or hear out of one ear or speak). Not long after he became suicidal and would rip out his tubes, cathetars, IVs... The hospital wouldn't pay for a professional sitter so we had to do alternating round the clock shifts. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Teaching myself to empty tubes, reattach stuff, when the ward was virtually abandoned at night. We couldn't sleep. You blink your eyes for two seconds and a tube would be out - and then another re-insertion, another trip up to xray. He wanted it so bad that you had to be hyper-vigilant every single second that you were "on duty". Anyways, I'll cut out more graphic stuff. I walked in one morning with my mother and we found him ....I'll just say dying. I can't describe the stuff I saw and heard. I remember running out into the hallway yelling for help. A woman visiting her mother a few rooms down came out and started frantically searching for staff for us. I can't explain what I felt like - my body was electrostatic one second, and the next thing I was lying wretching on the floor, unable to summon control of my muscles. Anyways, we found out that a tube had been inserted incorrectly (wasn't checked by xray). He couldn't communicate and so couldn't explain the pain he was feeling and.... it lead to a pretty brutal death. That's why I'd do anything to make sure I have someone reliable to speak for me, and stay with me, and be treated with more respect by the staff.
The nurses were having a going away party for a co-worker down in the lounge at the end of the wing while he was dying alone. :"( ....They said they had checked everyone before they went....but the timelines don't match up......

This past April an aunt also died from a brutal battle with cancer. This had all been in the past 2.5 years. I was already afraid of doctors before but now certain sounds and smells give me flashbacks. They wanted to diagnos PTSD at first. I didn't want it for some reason. I'm sure I'd go mad if I had to stay in the hospital. I've only seen people be mistreated and die in there. They'd at least have to load me up on tranqs. I'm having a hard time communitcating the extent of how much I fear the hospital. Plus, interms of my own conditions, my faith in the medical profession has been absolutely, completely, destroyed. So that's my long-winded response [sorry <:) ]

I'm sooooooooo terrified of tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm gonna tolerate it. :"( I can't imagine it. I'm so afraid. :"(

thanks for listening, blove EL

 

Re: hospital fear/phobia? ****trigger » ElaineM

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 6, 2006, at 21:33:04

In reply to hospital fear/phobia? ****trigger » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 21:00:53

Hi Elaine,
I'm so sorry for your hardships. I always knew that you were such a remarkably giving person. I didn't realize how much you are willing to put yourself "out there" emotionally. Seriously, the situation with your grandfather sounds like you became very emotionally invested in his survival, or at least in his peace.

It's a terrible tragedy, for you, and for your whole family. It explains a lot of your anxiety regarding the sanity of the healthcare system.

No, it's a very strange world we find ourselves in these days. Caregiving plays second fiddle to technology. Covering one's *ss is more important than taking a risk. In the end the patients and their families suffer terrible tragedies. You are not alone. It is incredibly difficult to find yourself in a life-or-death situation, especially when you, yourself are not 100% able to give. And the proximity to your mother, and other family no doubt made even the simplest tasks and decisions very stressful.

Well, that's behind you. REALLY.

Let's focus on the here and now. I think your health has taken a turn for the worse. You must do whatever you need to preserve the vessel that holds your soul. Your soul is SO strong, and your will to live is so brave and powerful- you have gone to the edge and back more times in your young life than most people ever will. You have learned, though. Learned that eventually the pain will make you desperate, and you will end up calling and begging for the care that you needed days or weeks ago. Keep remembering this. When you think things are "bearable" for now, just try to keep your eye on making it over the next bump. Be a little more proactive. Don't let things get so desparate that you will have to be hospitalized.

I really hope things go well tomorrow. It sounds like people are recognizing your case as urgent, and it IS.

Not just the ED speaking, or some ploy to gain pity from babble, or ? I dunno what you're afraid of. I'm listening to YOU. When you hurt, it doesn't MATTER one bit whether you used to be skinny and ill. It matters that you're hurting NOW and that you're sick NOW and that you need help NOW.

You are right, not everyone is prepared to hear the intense psychological and physical struggles you have survived and continue to struggle with. Not everyone wants to be confronted with the possibility that a member of their ranks (like your T) may be ineffectual at best and abusive at worst. Not everyone is prepared to understand how the healthcare system has given you no one to turn to in a moment of crisis. Those monumental failures are difficult for people to face, especially people who are part of the system.

But you, Elaine, are not the problem. You are a person who deserves the best care that is available. You are a person who has a LOT to offer society, and a young person who is just getting ready to unfold her wings and get her life started. You can do this. Remember that sometimes the darkest moments can bring epiphany. You keep hanging in there, a half-cup of water at a time.

(((((((((really gentle hugs for you, friend))))))))))))

love,
-Li

 

creating a purpose ***triggerish ED abuse? » Lindenblüte

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 22:55:26

In reply to Re: hospital fear/phobia? ****trigger » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 6, 2006, at 21:33:04

Thanks Li :') I'll try and remember that tomorrow. I'm trying to prepare for the possibility that he'll want me to stay. I mean, obviously I'll do it. It's just so d@mn hard.

I've been trying to reframe the pointlessness of the ED thing. I always said that it came to exist to save me at a time in my life when nothing else was available to me. Treatment (and the learning to have a relationship with parent-like staff) taught me a whole new way of thinking, and sharing and words to express stuff. I learned not to be afraid of "weak" feelings, and to risk being vulnerable by caring for people, trust, and to speak outloud infront of others. But then, treatment ends up behind me (and the "best" of the disease is over) and I'm right back in my own lonely sh*tty life, with the same problems I started with, just more physical damage. And so much stigma. And so I changed my mind and decided that even though I was "recovered" the AN was still gonna kill me in the end. That life has been a waste and has only been made harder.

But this year I've been trying to think that the purpose of my existence was to make sure that my grandparents could leave the world with someone beside them telling them that they loved them, and helping them even when they were sick. I came into existence to make sure that he had someone with him as he died, and to help my grandmother survive it. And the ED was needed to teach me the humility to say words like "love" and "care for" and "miss you", and to hug, and to cry infront of others - all the stuff that I didn't learn at home. All the stuff that was forbidden or got you smacked around for, cause it showed you were weak. I needed to learn to be shameless that way so they could know what I felt while there was still time.

So the fact that I've injured myself more, or that tomorrow could not go well, or that I may never live like a normal adult, is irrelevant. Doesn't even matter. Cause I did what I was supposed to do. The point was never to better my own life.

I don't know, maybe that sounds hokey. But it sometimes helps a little. I try and focus on that when the despair gets out of control.

[sorry for the double post. I posted, had to repair the connection so pressed Stop, and figured it didn't get a chance to send, so I sent it again. Evidently it had. oops. *blushing*]

 

Re: creating a purpose » ElaineM

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 7:52:33

In reply to creating a purpose ***triggerish ED abuse? » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 22:55:26

Hi Elaine,
I'll be thinking of you today. Take some gentle breaths, and remember that you are doing everything that you SHOULD be doing. You just do your best to tell the drs. what's going on. Tell them everything. You are brave, and I think you will do just fine.

I think you are a very wonderful person for helping your grandparents find peace and comfort at the end of their lives. Have you ever thought about pursuing a career in a caregiving field? There are many opportunities to help people, and I think that you would be such a wonderful person to help people. It doesn't have to be anything as intense as you've been through- perhaps something like reading books to the elderly, or tutoring kids who don't have an adult to help them with hw after school. Give it a thought-- when you're better, what would you like to do?

You've learned a LOT about what happens when the healthcare/mental health system lets people slip through the cracks. It might help empower you if you could be a part of the solution?

Of course all of this can wait until your body is in better shape. You WILL get better. I hope you're wearing your pink sneakers to your appt. today?

warm thoughts,
-Li

p.s. I don't know my purpose in life yet either. I don't have ANY idea what I'm gonna do when I'm done with school. *sigh...*

 

Re: Elaine

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 8, 2006, at 22:41:28

In reply to Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:41:28

Elaine,

No word from you....I hope you are getting the treatment you so desperately need. Feel better soon.

MidnightBlue

 

Re: Elaine » MidnightBlue

Posted by ElaineM on November 8, 2006, at 23:15:51

In reply to Re: Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 8, 2006, at 22:41:28

((MB))
No treatment :'( Only spent the day there. Left his office and almost threw up in the washroom. I've never felt so abandoned. It was hard to get home. Just didn't feel up to saying how, why :( Sorry.
And I'm in too much pain. And nauceous.
Spent the morning sobbing. All professionals have left me or hurt me :""( I have nothing left.

 

Re: Elaine

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 9, 2006, at 16:52:46

In reply to Re: Elaine » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on November 8, 2006, at 23:15:51

Elaine,

That seems odd to me! But honestly, it is hard to know how to answer or help when we don't know what is the major thing wrong with you. It's okay to keep that private. I like to keep things private, too. Just understand we are trying our best to suggest things.

You said it was hard to get home. Didn't your T go with you? I thought you said he was taking you. Why have all professionals left you? Because you don't have insurance? Because what you have is not treatable?

I'm really sorry you are hurting so much. Take care.

MidnightBlue

> ((MB))
> No treatment :'( Only spent the day there. Left his office and almost threw up in the washroom. I've never felt so abandoned. It was hard to get home. Just didn't feel up to saying how, why :( Sorry.
> And I'm in too much pain. And nauceous.
> Spent the morning sobbing. All professionals have left me or hurt me :""( I have nothing left.
>

 

Re: Elaine » MidnightBlue

Posted by ElaineM on November 10, 2006, at 9:43:46

In reply to Re: Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 9, 2006, at 16:52:46

>>>>>>That seems odd to me! But honestly, it is hard to know how to answer or help when we don't know what is the major thing wrong with you. It's okay to keep that private. I like to keep things private, too. Just understand we are trying our best to suggest things.

Yes, I know (((MB)). I think I'm past advice anyways :-( I just posted cause I didn't want you to worry (cause you had asked where I was).

>>>>>>>You said it was hard to get home. Didn't your T go with you? I thought you said he was taking you.

It's hard to walk in pain, that's all. And I was so upset then too. Still am. No, he didn't offer to come with me, and I hadn't asked. This was a rush appointment anyways, so he wouldn't have had time to cancel all his other patients meetings that day. I mean, he probably would've if I said it was very important to me, but I honestly didn't think of asking him cause I wouldn't have wanted to appear crazy. He said he would anyways lie, but I worry that it will become known that I'm showing up to a consultation with my T - especially when I want to be respected and treated equally so badly. (ANd I would've felt embarrassed talking in detail about everything that's wrong. He knows, but an unemotional, robotic summary)

>>>Why have all professionals left you? Because what you have is not treatable?

I don't really have a doctor working hard for me. Cause the professionals are not willing to do anything but the bare minimum, and while they all think treatment is needed, all their opinions are really contradictory - for the diagnostic specifics and treatment. If two matched up I'd feel better, but NONE do. My meds seem to interact. I don't know which I should be more concerned with (ie, ensuring one works at the expense of another). [and I already tried to talk to PCP and she said, "I don't know" call the pharm. I talked to him, he said it'd be fine. YoungDoc said "definate interference"] ????? So I feel really confused, and left alone.
And I guess I also mean that I don't really have a real T. He's not taking all my cancellations well. He's upset cause he thinks I'm giving up on "us". Said, the most important thing to him is that we stay together. I feel like he thinks I'm cheating on him (for lack of a better analogy).

>>>>>>Because you don't have insurance?

PCP's don't like to deal with anything but basics. And they won't comment or deal with stuff once they refer to a specialist. Whatever the specialist decides, goes (even if it could be wrong). PCP doesn't like making re-referrals for second opinion - it doesn't look good. But also, PCP won't order any tests or imaging that the specialist doesn't request first. So he's kinda washed his hands of me, but then so has PCP.
(There's a couple other professionals involved and their opinions and suggestions don't match either.)

I don't have any idea what to do. I'm kinda paralyzed now. There's not much else to say :-(

 

Re: Elaine » ElaineM

Posted by muffled on November 10, 2006, at 14:20:57

In reply to Re: Elaine » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on November 10, 2006, at 9:43:46

Hey El, hows it going with trying to find a T/advocate?
Have you tried the pastoral angle? It might be useful for support in the interim, until you find what you need. You need another body on YOUR side, with no vested interest in anything. You really do. And if you don't like religion, just say to counsellor, I do NOT want to talk bout religious stuff. I just need some backup help here.
If you go thru the more generic type churches they may possibly have suggestions. Or you could just try and look something up in the phone book. And then maybe have a list of questions to ask:
-sliding scale?
-do you push religion on people?
-what sort of experience have you had?
-woman or man?
-availability outside of appointments?
-cost of telephone calls?
-willing to advocate to help me get medical care?
-?
and whatever else you or other babblers can think of.
And then, don't think of this T as necessarily one that is going to do tons of 'work' with you at this point. At least not until you have decidied they are worthy. You just are looking for some outside help.
And your present T will proly be ok with this cuz it'd likely be female?, and its pastoral, so not in his circle, and so mebbe he will feel less threatened.
I truly think it is worth a try. Or several tries, until you find one that suits you.
Take care El, there are still things you can do, lots of things, you can do this.
Please try this. There doesn't seem like you got much to lose in trying at least.
I do care about you El. You got lots of kindness, lots to give. You just need some healing.
Muffled

 

Re: Elaine

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 10, 2006, at 14:26:30

In reply to Re: Elaine » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on November 10, 2006, at 9:43:46

Elaine,

I do know this. You are smart and you have a computer. Whatever it is that is wrong with you you can research that. Learn everything you can about it.

It is difficult/painful for me to walk too. There are conflicting opinions on what to do. Some are rather drastic. My current doctors aren't pushing for me to get better either. I'm researching other options.

Look for the absolute top docs in your field. If you have no insurance ask if they will take a charity case. If you are interesting enough they will! And if that is half way across the country there are still ways to do it. Some organizations will donate hotels and flights.

How about getting a different PCP? If that isn't possible you need to sit down with him/her and say this is what I need from you and then read a list. And for what it is worth, I don't think you have a T just a companion who might want to be your boyfriend. I think you really ought to confront him on that. You can still see each other, but you both need to stop calling it a theraputic relationship. Just my opinion....

MidnightBlue

 

Re: Elaine » MidnightBlue

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 10, 2006, at 15:03:18

In reply to Re: Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 10, 2006, at 14:26:30

Hi Elaine,
gosh, muffled and MidBlue are coming up with a lot of reeally good ideas for the next couple weeks.

I just have an idea for the next couple hours- feed your body. If it's thirsty, drink. If it's hungry, eat. If it's sleepy, rest.

And an idea for right now- call your PCP and request an(other?) emergency appointment. If PCP cannot see you in the next 48 hours, please go to the emergency room.

If you cannot muster the strength to make or get this emergency appointment, call your T now. He's taken advantage of you plenty. Now, you can really make good use of the fact that he has more physical and mental energy than you do at the point. He's the closest, and he will get over his grumpy envy once he hears that you need emergency medical care.

Please get some help IRL, the professionals have only abandoned you if you have abandoned yourself. You have to be a little difficult. Fussy, unpleasant, downright DEMANDING. This is your BODY. No arrogant doctor has the right to make you feel your suffering is justified, that your body is insignificant.

I know that part of you wants to get better. Please do the right thing- that part of you deserves another chance at healing.

warm healing thoughts,
-Li


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