Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 701055

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I hint but...

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 19:54:18

ought I tell him it's a problem?

He's mentioned other clients three times in the last month or so.

One session he mentioned that he'd had a difficult session and that's why he wasn't all there.

One session he talked about how after you'd seen depression or anxiety a few hundred times, you can be helpful, but it's also too easy to get bored. That you can usually grasp the situation within a few minutes if you've seen it often enough. I asked him "Not me? Right?" And he answered no, of course not me.

And last session he said he'd been trying to draw boundaries with a client, without much success. I joked that I wasn't his most difficult client any more and I'd have to try harder. But mentally I was making a review of boundaries and times when I might not have noticed he was drawing them.

It's really weird because I've always known him as someone who wouldn't mention other clients even in the most general way to say that this was or wasn't typical of people with a certain diagnosis. He even actively refused to do that, saying that he didn't talk about one client to another.

And now I feel vaguely uneasy. Like I might be the subject of a casual disclosure to his next client. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm not quite here. I am still a bit groggy after seeing my last client."

I know that this probably isn't true. That it's probably because he feels so comfortable with me that he feels comfortable making these disclosures. And they aren't by far the most personal disclosures he's ever made to me. And he probably doesn't do that with all his clients. He never did with me for the first many years.

Why is it that it feels both good and bad to be special?

Or maybe it's just that the first and third client are one and the same, and he's just slipping about one client who is really frustrating him...

Ought I suggest, next time it happens if it happens again, that I worry that I'll be the next client he mentions?

Or maybe he thinks that would only be fair, since he knows I talk about him here.

How do other people handle those types of disclosures? Is it an issue?

 

Re: I hint but... » Dinah

Posted by canadagirl on November 6, 2006, at 20:21:17

In reply to I hint but..., posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 19:54:18

I think it sounds like he's very comfortable with you Dinah. Sounds like he's familiar with you in a good way. It's kind of like being married to someone else or on a really weird date for an hour a week isn't it. Only without the other bits.

 

Re: I hint but...

Posted by annierose on November 6, 2006, at 20:41:53

In reply to Re: I hint but... » Dinah, posted by canadagirl on November 6, 2006, at 20:21:17

I do think it's a comfort level as well. And they would set my alarms off too. I think I might hint as in, "Geeze, I hope you don't tell the next client I was in a bad mood today" --- or whatever the story alluded to. He would reassure you of course, but it may serve to turn on that internal ightbulb, [note to self - shouldn't talk about other clients in any way, shape or form.]

My T has only mentioned another client re: boundaries in a funny but scary way. Not to digress, but ...

She was seeing this adult male for his initial assessment and he was describing his issue with feelings of anger. After a few moments he pulls out a pocket knife and starts to scrape the knife on the bottom of his shoes. She kindly let him know that she needed to refer him elsewhere.

Even though this story did not pertain to me, it did make me feel funny hearing it. It didn't cross a boundary as far as I could tell, but she was sharing this odd story I think to reassure me that I wasn't scary. I think before the story I pondered out loud (as I often do in therapy) " ... I sometimes wonder if I'm too much for you to handle --- too intense, too emotional ..."

Didn't mean to barge into this thread, but this story just popped into my head.

Yes, your t is comfortable with you. And that is okay as long as the boundaries are still there keeping you safe.

 

Re: I hint but...

Posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:15:01

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by annierose on November 6, 2006, at 20:41:53

You know, some therapists tend to use "other clients" as a way to inform us or make a point. My son's therapist does this a lot, though he seems to be careful to keep it in reference to previous or past clients. As in, "I had this client who would..." But he uses a ton of self disclosure as well.

My therapist almost never (2x that I can remember all this time) talks about other clients, past, present or future. I sometimes wish he would talk more about his work so I could draw some conclusions about how we are working together. I always think of GG who really protected that blank slate approach.

I think you already know the answer. If it is bugging you, bring it up. I bet you can think of a way to do it without being critical. You know him so well.

 

Re: I hint but... » Daisym

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:29:02

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:15:01

Ugh. I hope not, Daisy. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. That he's saying he's bored, or that I'm crossing boundaries. Except I know that he isn't because he wouldn't tell me he's bored, and he tells me all the time that I've never come close to his boundaries and he can't figure out why I think I do.

Maybe the mention of other clients makes me feel like he's not totally with me, or like I'm just one of many. I'm not sure.

I guess I can find a way to tell him. I thought he'd have picked it up from my replies, but I'll have to hint a bit more strongly.

 

Re: I hint but... » annierose

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:32:35

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by annierose on November 6, 2006, at 20:41:53

Yes, I like that. It's a stronger hint than the ones I've been giving him, but it's still just a hint.

I don't know if I can ask him to please quit telling me so much. :)

It's weird because it validates those therapy boundaries. Maybe they do have a purpose.

I think your therapist's story would have scared me to death. It is scary sometimes to think how vulnerable they are.

But it certainly would have made me feel like I wasn't as difficult to handle as all that.

 

Re: I hint but... » canadagirl

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:36:31

In reply to Re: I hint but... » Dinah, posted by canadagirl on November 6, 2006, at 20:21:17

Yes, sometimes it is. And I really do like it, for the most part. Just not when it makes me feel uneasy.

We had gotten into the habit of starting the session with a few minutes of silence, followed by the putting down of things that would interfere with being fully present in the therapeutic relationship.

And in the process, he put down some things that probably wouldn't have been put down in the therapy room ordinarily. I think a bit of that holds over, although for the most part he's back to being a proper boundary conscious therapist.

 

Re: I hint but... » Dinah

Posted by muffled on November 7, 2006, at 0:29:36

In reply to Re: I hint but... » canadagirl, posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:36:31

Well Dinah, my T has been like daisys i think. She uses alot of personal stories etc, as that is what I respond to best. She did once refer to the fact that some clients have made her uncomfortable, to the point where she put herself near the door, and even kept the door cracked...
She is usu very trusting etc, so I was very glad to hear she was keeping herself safe when she felt the need.
I think she has in a very general way brought up client situations, but as a tool to teach. Not in a gossiping fashion.
So if it makes you feel uncomfortable Dinah, I think you should trust your instincts on this and tell him flat out that you think its wrong, and you hope like hell he don't talk to other clients bout YOU. I think if you don't deal with it, it could become a real problem, mebbe it already is? Thats just my opinion. (((Dinah)))
Take care,
Muffled

 

By George, I think I have it... » muffled

Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 0:42:18

In reply to Re: I hint but... » Dinah, posted by muffled on November 7, 2006, at 0:29:36

(I do hope that expression doesn't have an unsavory past.)

The time he mentioned boredom, I probably was afraid that he had seen me and summed me up and battled boredom from then on out, but the other two times were different.

The other two times were that I *wasn't* joking when I said that I'd have to try harder if I weren't his most difficult client.

Because that client was taking something that was rightfully mine. I don't ask for much from him outside the therapy hour. But that therapy hour is mine. Both because I paid for it, and because it's *mine*, to me. And that other client clearly still had part of him with her (or him). He hadn't put that client aside, and had instead brought that client with him into *my* therapy hour.

That's not fair.

And because that client had something that isn't mine by right, but that I wish I had anyway. That client was getting a real response from my therapist. A gut level visceral response. Not a positive one, but a real one nonetheless. And I'm jealous.

So that difficult client has one thing I wish I had, and another that rightfully belongs to me. Why wouldn't I want to try harder? To be difficult if difficult is what it takes?

It's no fair. It's no fair. It's no fair.

Why does my little brother get all the attention for being bad, while I'm just expected to be good, so that no one even notices when I am?

Oops.

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm;-) (nm) » Dinah

Posted by muffled on November 7, 2006, at 0:59:01

In reply to By George, I think I have it... » muffled, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 0:42:18

 

Re: I hint but...

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 9:22:55

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by annierose on November 6, 2006, at 20:41:53

Be happy Dinah-!
count your blessings. My oldT used to only talk about the clients he treats in the institution for the criminally insane. (part of it is that I wanted to know somethings about different types of mental illnesses, so it was on topic... but he kind of went overboard in terms of graphic descriptions. yeah.) I felt like I was stupid and insignificant, like a "break" from his other job. Even though I know he enjoyed our sessions, I felt like I was a waste of time, with my pathetic problems...

newT talks about other clients twice- once when I noticed that the session before mine always runs late. She's counselling a couple, and they apparently can't stop "discussing" on time. grr! And the other time was when I was telling her about my medication changes, and she told me that she was working with a woman whose daughter was on my med. so? That wasn't s private...

I suppose she would talk about me in order to recommend a pdoc or? who knows. She's had a long carreer. I'm just a tiny dot kind of hanging out on the edge of the radar screen.

-Li

 

Re: I hint but...

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 9:38:33

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:15:01

My oldT would use movies to make a point, not other clients. Let's see. Over the course of a few months, Silence of the Lambs was mentioned in regards to terror, Monster in regards to the power of wanting to feel loved, Hannibal in regards to frontal lobotomy, The Matrix in regards to dissociative episodes, etc. etc.

i appreciate this approach, I just wish that he could have used movies that weren't so gruesome! Seriously. OldT has a dark and twisted corner of his mind, and I guess his enthusiasm for exploring that aspect of human nature is useful for helping clients understand that having gruesome thoughts is part of being human (albeit sick human!).

Dinah-- you have every right to be upset that your hour was polluted by another client. You should definitely talk to your T about it. Tell him that you appreciate his candor and openness, but that there is a limit to what you think is reasonable "sharing" and when it crosses the line.

You don't have to be the most difficult to be his favorite, you know? You may be one of his few clients who stands up for herself, or one of his few clients that has provided some continuity in his career, or the client that has the most colorful problems, or the client that has taught him the most. You may be his favorite for many reasons, not just because you're the most challenging, difficult, etc.

I myself alternate between wanting to be the most difficult (to be noticed) and wanting to be the most compliant (to avoid being fired).

I'm glad you shared these feelings. I've never thought about a lot of these things before.

-Li

 

Re: I hint but... » Lindenblüte

Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 12:10:17

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 9:38:33

I'm special to him for sheer perseverence and longevity. :)

I was the first client he saw today so we were alone in the therapy hour. I wish I could always be his first client, when he's uncluttered by other stressors.

If it comes up again, I'll definitely mention it. It seemed petty before, and I didn't understand why I was upset. It still maybe feels petty of me, but at least I understand my reaction now.

Your therapist would have scared me senseless, Li. Either that or I would have seen it as story hour and forgot to do therapy. :)

 

Re: I hint but... » Dinah

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 13:41:59

In reply to Re: I hint but... » Lindenblüte, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 12:10:17

O good, Dinah. I thought I was a complete scaredycat wimp that I got nervous before every T session.

i alternated between being scared senseless and having story hour.

but he WAS there for me when I needed him. He taught me a lot about how to get through crises without being dependent on someone to rescue me.

And he gave me a great referral (both for scary movies and for my newT, who is much less terrifying) lol

-Li

 

Re: I hint but...

Posted by indigogal on November 7, 2006, at 16:11:26

In reply to I hint but..., posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 19:54:18

Hi Dinah,
I don't have time to read all the other posts right now b/c I'm at work, so I apologize if I'm repeating what's already been said. I *definitely* think you should say something to your T.

In response to, "Or maybe he thinks that would only be fair, since he knows I talk about him here".... No. Honestly, one thing has NOTHING to do w/ the other. He is the professional. You are allowed to talk about your therapeutic experience (and your therapist) with whoever you choose to. He is *not* allowed to talk about his clients w/ whoever he chooses to. There are ethical guidelines (assuming he's a licensed professional) that dictate this. Yes, he can say general things like "In my experience w/ depressed patients..." but he really shouldn't be telling you about any one specific patient. He also shouldn't burden you by telling you that something is stressing him out. He needs to deal w/ that OUTSIDE the therapy room, not with his patient. It has nothing to do w /you. Perhaps he's gotten lax about it b/c you've been with him for awhile and he obviously feels comfortable w/ you. But I certainly think it's within your rights (and in fact, I think it's necessary) for you to tell him that you're not okay w/ this.

I *know* that if I were in your position, I would feel very much the same way as you. On the one hand, I would feel good that he was sharing info w/ me that he previously had not shared. It would make me feel like he trusted me, and like I was special. BUT that feeling comes w/ a price, as you've learned. It is totally normal to feel the way you're feeling... worrying that if he's telling you about other clients, that he's telling them about you. Which is why I think you need to get this out in the open and tell him how you feel. I think it will serve as a wake-up call for him, as perhaps he doesn't realize just how comfortable he's become w/ you and how it's negatively affecting you. The last thing you need in therapy is to be worrying that your therapist is going to tell his other clients about you. I would also worry that he was judging me negatively to others, since those are the impressions he's giving you of his other clients. Not that he is, but I'm just saying that would upset me and I would worry about that. It is human nature to assume that the way one treats you might be similar to how they are treating others. Anyway, the point of this long-winded post is to say... 1) You are totally normal for feeling the way you're feeling in this situation. 2) What your T is doing is not appropriate. 3) I definitely think it's a good idea to point out to him how his behavior is affecting you. Good luck & please keep us updated!

 

Re: I hint but... » indigogal

Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 19:50:40

In reply to Re: I hint but..., posted by indigogal on November 7, 2006, at 16:11:26

Thanks Indigogal.

I have decided to tell him what I'm thinking if it happens again. I'm kind of hoping that it won't come up and I won't have to say anything.


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