Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 700352

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

The Little Girl Inside - long

Posted by Daisym on November 4, 2006, at 15:47:56

I've been thinking about what to write about this in a way that doesn't sound sort of nuts. Sunny asked if thinking about certain feelings was easier or harder if we let them belong to the little girl inside. For me it has been both. If I could simply think about these feelings as young, and then classify them as "the little girl" it might be easier. Problem with me is, I FEEL young -- I can speak from that place.

So I think there is a huge difference between inner child work, and frozen age states. I think all humans have an inner child - young feelings that come up when we feel particularly playful or silly, or scared or lonely or sad. We carry around the need to be nurtured, and that is a healthy need. It allows us empathy to other people's need to be nurtured. I think for most people they accept these young feelings as part of who they are because the feelings don't take over, at least not very often.

I think therapy calls out these youngish feelings in a way that almost nothing else does -- especially that need to be nurtured. And in therapy we examine our feelings, so we might be more in touch with our inner child, and which feelings belong to her, than we would otherwise. So many of those childlike feelings make us feel ashamed, wasn't the goal in life to "grow up?" How many times have we all heard - "stop acting like a child. Grow Up!" And yet here we are, sitting with someone who is telling us that we need to love and care for this part of us. Especially if that part is wounded. It makes sense that we would be conflicted and want to squash that part of ourselves. It also makes sense to resist that urge and see nurturing that part as self-care. It takes some work to get comfortable with that. IRL you just do it privately. But in therapy you are doing it in the presences of someone else. So it feels like it could be judged -- because most of us have experiences of childlike behavior being judged as bad. It is just darn hard.

Ego states are different, imo. I have at least three major ego states, in addition to my adult self. I can be 5 or 9 or 11/12ish. That doesn't mean I lose contact with the rest of myself, but if I let myself sink into just being 5, like if I'm talking about a memory, I really enter all those feelings and it feels very "in the moment." I often don't have the vocabulary to explain what I'm trying to say, I ask questions from that place and I want things that my adult self would never, ever want - like wrapping myself around my therapist's leg and never letting go, or hiding under his desk. I use to be furious with my therapist for talking back directly to these younger parts, or even asking if I could let that part come forward. It is very powerful, this connection between my younger parts and my therapist. And very healing, because he is so accepting and to most of these parts he feels very safe. There has been a consolidation of skills and strength as we allowed these parts time in therapy. But it is very, very scary sometimes. If I don't get put back together, I often have no idea what to do for a while. So I think if you are going to work like this, you really do need someone who can handle how demanding these ego states can be and who can recognize when and how to back off.

All that said, I have a hard time nurturing my younger parts. Sometimes I can do it. But they carry so much pain and I get so mortified about being in parts and pieces. It is hard for me to admit that I can't just "own" all my memories and handle stuff - that I have split off like this and I still need to think about it as having happened to "her" not "me."

I don't know if I helped at all or just made things murkier. Pfinstegg is a lot better at describing frozen ego states and what it feels like, than I am. I hope she is around and can help you with this question.


 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long » Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2006, at 15:56:02

In reply to The Little Girl Inside - long, posted by Daisym on November 4, 2006, at 15:47:56

Thank you so much Daisy. I want to write a proper response, but I have to give what you write a little time to digest, as it were. I'll respond at some point this weekend, though, after I've given what I want to say some good thought.

sunnydays

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2006, at 22:15:26

In reply to The Little Girl Inside - long, posted by Daisym on November 4, 2006, at 15:47:56

> I've been thinking about what to write about this in a way that doesn't sound sort of nuts. Sunny asked if thinking about certain feelings was easier or harder if we let them belong to the little girl inside. For me it has been both. If I could simply think about these feelings as young, and then classify them as "the little girl" it might be easier. Problem with me is, I FEEL young -- I can speak from that place.

**** I think maybe I know what you mean. Sometimes in therapy when go to say something, I stop myself -- well, actually most of the time when I go to say something I stop myself. My T says that's the little girl thinking she's going to get in trouble for saying something 'wrong'. But most of the time I am able to push myself and say it, with my T's help. But it always surprises me because I mean to say it in my normal 'this doesn't bother me' voice, but it always comes out very soft and in my opinion my voice sounds kind of childish when I talk in therapy. Is that kind of what you mean? Or am I way off base?
>
> So I think there is a huge difference between inner child work, and frozen age states. I think all humans have an inner child - young feelings that come up when we feel particularly playful or silly, or scared or lonely or sad. We carry around the need to be nurtured, and that is a healthy need. It allows us empathy to other people's need to be nurtured. I think for most people they accept these young feelings as part of who they are because the feelings don't take over, at least not very often.

***** My T was saying something like this, about how everyone has a little kid part of them, but that mine has been so wounded that she comes out a lot when I feel scared and can't say things or feel really sad or things like that.
>
> I think therapy calls out these youngish feelings in a way that almost nothing else does -- especially that need to be nurtured.

**** Yes, I wish so much that I could just curl up next to my therapist and cry and have him hold me and stroke my hair.

>And in therapy we examine our feelings, so we might be more in touch with our inner child, and which feelings belong to her, than we would otherwise. So many of those childlike feelings make us feel ashamed, wasn't the goal in life to "grow up?" How many times have we all heard - "stop acting like a child. Grow Up!"

**** I'm not very good at identifying which are parts are childlike. I used to feel kind of hurt when my T would say, that's the little girl part talking, what would the adult part say. But I couldn't tell him at the time because I just wasn't at the point where I could say something like that to him. Because whatever I'm feeling I'm feeling right then and it feels so real, like that's the only feeling there is. And my T and I had talked about how hard leaving was the other day and so before I left he stopped me and said, "Remember, when you leave you're still in my head, you're still with me, and I still carry you around and think about you." (he did say another day that he does think about me sometimes, obviously not every second of the day, but he does think of me sometimes). And he touched my upper arm very gently as I was leaving, which I just loved. It felt like I was so close to him and I could really feel how much he cared about me. I've been wanting a hug for a while and am too scared to ask because he'd probably say no, but it was so nice that he was willing to spontaneously touch me. And it felt totally safe and appropriate.

>And yet here we are, sitting with someone who is telling us that we need to love and care for this part of us. Especially if that part is wounded. It makes sense that we would be conflicted and want to squash that part of ourselves. It also makes sense to resist that urge and see nurturing that part as self-care. It takes some work to get comfortable with that. IRL you just do it privately. But in therapy you are doing it in the presences of someone else. So it feels like it could be judged -- because most of us have experiences of childlike behavior being judged as bad. It is just darn hard.

**** Yeah, I am so judgmental of these feelings that my T says are the little girl parts. And he tries to get me to see that feelings just are, there is no right or wrong about them, but it's very hard to internalize that.
>
> Ego states are different, imo. I have at least three major ego states, in addition to my adult self. I can be 5 or 9 or 11/12ish. That doesn't mean I lose contact with the rest of myself, but if I let myself sink into just being 5, like if I'm talking about a memory, I really enter all those feelings and it feels very "in the moment." I often don't have the vocabulary to explain what I'm trying to say, I ask questions from that place and I want things that my adult self would never, ever want - like wrapping myself around my therapist's leg and never letting go, or hiding under his desk. I use to be furious with my therapist for talking back directly to these younger parts, or even asking if I could let that part come forward. It is very powerful, this connection between my younger parts and my therapist. And very healing, because he is so accepting and to most of these parts he feels very safe. There has been a consolidation of skills and strength as we allowed these parts time in therapy. But it is very, very scary sometimes. If I don't get put back together, I often have no idea what to do for a while. So I think if you are going to work like this, you really do need someone who can handle how demanding these ego states can be and who can recognize when and how to back off.

**** I don't know if that's what my therapist was talking about or not. He always refers to these feelings as coming from 'the little girl part of you', but we haven't really talked about it except for a little at the end last time. He did say that it can be a useful way to conceptualize things, so I'm not sure if he was talking about an actual part that exists separate. I'm sort of confused about what he meant because I sort of know what you mean, but I'm not sure what he meant. He may have been trying not to scare me though by saying it the way he did. I just don't know on that one.
>
> All that said, I have a hard time nurturing my younger parts. Sometimes I can do it. But they carry so much pain and I get so mortified about being in parts and pieces. It is hard for me to admit that I can't just "own" all my memories and handle stuff - that I have split off like this and I still need to think about it as having happened to "her" not "me."

***** See, I know things happened to me, but at the same time it doesn't seem like me. Were you always aware of these frozen ego states, or did they become more pronounced or well defined as you were doing this work? Did it always feel like it happened to a different part of you? And do all these parts still feel like you to some degree? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand.
>
> I don't know if I helped at all or just made things murkier. Pfinstegg is a lot better at describing frozen ego states and what it feels like, than I am. I hope she is around and can help you with this question.
>

****** You helped lots, daisy, and definitely gave me lots to think about. Thank you so much for responding like this. I never feel like I deserve such long responses from anyone. Thank you.

sunnydays

 

^^^^^^ so sorry, above post for daisym ^^^^^^^ (nm)

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2006, at 22:17:25

In reply to The Little Girl Inside - long, posted by Daisym on November 4, 2006, at 15:47:56

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again » sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on November 5, 2006, at 23:02:18

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again, posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2006, at 22:15:26


**** But it always surprises me because I mean to say it in my normal 'this doesn't bother me' voice, but it always comes out very soft and in my opinion my voice sounds kind of childish when I talk in therapy. Is that kind of what you mean? Or am I way off base?

You aren't way off base - this is sort of what I mean. I hate how I sound in therapy, btw. I think I sound whiny.

**** I'm not very good at identifying which are parts are childlike. I used to feel kind of hurt when my T would say, that's the little girl part talking, what would the adult part say. But I couldn't tell him at the time because I just wasn't at the point where I could say something like that to him. Because whatever I'm feeling I'm feeling right then and it feels so real, like that's the only feeling there is.

That is exactly what I'm talking about. It is hard to feel so young and still reflect on what the more grown up parts want to say.

**** I don't know if that's what my therapist was talking about or not. He always refers to these feelings as coming from 'the little girl part of you', but we haven't really talked about it except for a little at the end last time. He did say that it can be a useful way to conceptualize things, so I'm not sure if he was talking about an actual part that exists separate. I'm sort of confused about what he meant because I sort of know what you mean, but I'm not sure what he meant. He may have been trying not to scare me though by saying it the way he did. I just don't know on that one.

You should ask him. It is never good to guess at what your therapist means or meant. I've learned that lesson the hard way. It is likely to be a fruitful discussion.

***** See, I know things happened to me, but at the same time it doesn't seem like me. Were you always aware of these frozen ego states, or did they become more pronounced or well defined as you were doing this work? Did it always feel like it happened to a different part of you? And do all these parts still feel like you to some degree? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand.

Don't be sorry - I ask lots of questions myself. I wasn't aware of these ego states until I started talking about the abuse. I knew about some of the things that happened to me, but the more I talked about what happened at 11, the more I knew more happened. It has been a weird experience - I wouldn't have believed how real it all feels if it hadn't happened to me directly. The abuse I suffered was severe and prolonged, so the dissociation was pretty pronounced. I think the parts that hold the memories do so because I'm not ready to integrate everything yet. And you know, it isn't even really what happened at these ages, it is more about why it happened and the fact that I feel so guilty and so at fault. The shame is huge. My therapist tells me often and very forcefully that is isn't my fault (her fault - the younger part of me) but it is hard to really believe fully. So the younger age states hold the blame, the shame and most of the pictures. I don't go there as often as I used to, but sometimes I still "turn" into her.

> ****** You helped lots, daisy, and definitely gave me lots to think about. Thank you so much for responding like this. I never feel like I deserve such long responses from anyone. Thank you.

aah, that makes me sad. How could you not deserve lots of long responses? You are important to this board and to me. (((Sunnydays))) When do you see your therapist again?

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy

Posted by muffled on November 6, 2006, at 11:33:56

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again » sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 5, 2006, at 23:02:18

>
> **** But it always surprises me because I mean to say it in my normal 'this doesn't bother me' voice, but it always comes out very soft and in my opinion my voice sounds kind of childish when I talk in therapy. Is that kind of what you mean? Or am I way off base?
>
> You aren't way off base - this is sort of what I mean. I hate how I sound in therapy, btw. I think I sound whiny.

++Well fwiw, I act like a total meathead in T. I keep telling my T that I actually pretty normal seeming irl. I dunno what happens to me in T, I don't understand. Mebbe I do goto the kid mode I dunno. I don't barely look at her, won't make eye contact, at the slightest sign of stress I bend way over my knees. I'd hate to see a video of myself :-(

> That is exactly what I'm talking about. It is hard to feel so young and still reflect on what the more grown up parts want to say.

+++Its not so clear to me. But I think that there's conflict, and when I try and say something, another part will block it. Or my head just spins out. Or at the slightest sign of pain I recoil like I been stung. And I think its just getting blown out of proportion in my case. I've no doubt my inside kid was scared, but I don't think its impossible to face the fear and take it down to size. I had severe childhood asthma that was not well treated. I think thats what mebbe what might have scared her. Not being able to breath, and being all alone..I dunno though. I don't have memories, only emotions.
>
> **** He did say that it can be a useful way to conceptualize things, so I'm not sure if he was talking about an actual part that exists separate. I just don't know on that one.
>
> You should ask him. It is never good to guess at what your therapist means or meant. I've learned that lesson the hard way. It is likely to be a fruitful discussion.

+++Yeah, guess its always good to ask. Daisy, can I ask you if you would share what you meant in that you learned 'that lesson the hard way?'. I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but I'll take all the help I can get.
FWTW I am stuck w/the fact that my inside kid is all to real :-( to me.
But I think it exists on a contineum. That there's full blown DID, and then there's just varying degrees of separation of the ego states. Its nothing to be afraid of, and can be a useful tool. I think whenever someone feels 'conflicted' over something, or 'ambivalent', that that is an example of how it feels to have more separated ego states. Different ones, having different feelings about something. So I think all have it to varying dergees.
>
> ***** See, I know things happened to me, but at the same time it doesn't seem like me. Were you always aware of these frozen ego states, or did they become more pronounced or well defined as you were doing this work? Did it always feel like it happened to a different part of you? And do all these parts still feel like you to some degree? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand.

+++Mebbe you don't want my thots but you can ignore me if you want and thats OK.
But I realized mt states, when i couldn't figger where certain thots and emotions were commong from. Nothing made any sense at all. Then when I was praying(NOT trying to put religion on ANYone, this is MY experience only), but anyways, I was praying, and God showed me my baby inside kid, oh Lord it was so wonderful, and meant SO much in SO many different ways, its truly a wonder. It meant alot to me that this baby was so sweet, that I wasn't always tainted, that I came from this sweet baby, that the sweet baby was ME! It really was huge. The rest slowly dawned on me as I sorted out feelings and stuff....
And sadly I guess, an inside kid holds all the bad emotions. Which isn't fair. And it spills over regularly, and is messing me up which is why I need to deal with it.
>
> Don't be sorry - I ask lots of questions myself. I wasn't aware of these ego states until I started talking about the abuse. I knew about some of the things that happened to me, but the more I talked about what happened at 11, the more I knew more happened. It has been a weird experience - I wouldn't have believed how real it all feels if it hadn't happened to me directly. I think the parts that hold the memories do so because I'm not ready to integrate everything yet. And you know, it isn't even really what happened at these ages, it is more about why it happened and the fact that I feel so guilty and so at fault. The shame is huge. My therapist tells me often and very forcefully that is isn't my fault (her fault - the younger part of me) but it is hard to really believe fully. So the younger age states hold the blame, the shame and most of the pictures. I don't go there as often as I used to, but sometimes I still "turn" into her.

+++(Daisy) :-(
I feel bad that I making my inside kid hold what she does. The emotions are intense, and she feels so disgusting and bad. And yet I still dodge her. I trying not to. But I can't seem to help myself. And now I just terribly getting depressed.
Does your inside kid still hold that stuff alone, or has she shared some of the burden with you and your T now, by sharing?????????????This is an important question for me. I hope I worded it correctly.
>
> > ****** You helped lots, daisy, and definitely gave me lots to think about. Thank you so much for responding like this. I never feel like I deserve such long responses from anyone. Thank you.

+++Yeah, Daisy is good at explaining isn't she SD.
And ALL are worthy. You too SD.
I hope noone minds me horning in on this thread, but it is of big interest to me. Sorry.
Muffled

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again

Posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 22:16:05

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again » sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 5, 2006, at 23:02:18

> You aren't way off base - this is sort of what I mean. I hate how I sound in therapy, btw. I think I sound whiny.


**** I'm sure you don't sound whiny. But isn't it funny how we hear ourselves so differently than other people hear us?

> You should ask him. It is never good to guess at what your therapist means or meant. I've learned that lesson the hard way. It is likely to be a fruitful discussion.

**** Yeah, I know, because I often decide what he means wrong and he has to explain. But I'm getting better at figuring out what I have distorted and what is true. I hope I can bring it up. It might take me a while, though.

> Don't be sorry - I ask lots of questions myself. I wasn't aware of these ego states until I started talking about the abuse. I knew about some of the things that happened to me, but the more I talked about what happened at 11, the more I knew more happened. It has been a weird experience - I wouldn't have believed how real it all feels if it hadn't happened to me directly. The abuse I suffered was severe and prolonged, so the dissociation was pretty pronounced. I think the parts that hold the memories do so because I'm not ready to integrate everything yet. And you know, it isn't even really what happened at these ages, it is more about why it happened and the fact that I feel so guilty and so at fault. The shame is huge. My therapist tells me often and very forcefully that is isn't my fault (her fault - the younger part of me) but it is hard to really believe fully. So the younger age states hold the blame, the shame and most of the pictures. I don't go there as often as I used to, but sometimes I still "turn" into her.

**** ((((daisy))))) I don't really have a whole lot of the memories dissociated away. Some I don't remember all the time, but I sort of always knew they were there. But I have a really hard time believing it wasn't my fault, as many times as my T tells me. And he has told me so many times, and he really tries to get me to believe that. I can tell that he so wants me to believe that because he can feel how much I hurt myself by blaming myself, but I'm just not there yet. Or I think I'm not blaming myself when I say something, but it turns out I am in a more roundabout way. It's so hard.

> aah, that makes me sad. How could you not deserve lots of long responses? You are important to this board and to me. (((Sunnydays))) When do you see your therapist again?

***** I see him Friday. Although I hate saying that, because then the thoughts of "what if he cancels, what if something happens to him?" come up. And thank you for saying I'm important. One of these days I'll start to believe it.

sunnydays

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy

Posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 22:23:21

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy, posted by muffled on November 6, 2006, at 11:33:56

> ++Well fwiw, I act like a total meathead in T. I keep telling my T that I actually pretty normal seeming irl. I dunno what happens to me in T, I don't understand. Mebbe I do goto the kid mode I dunno. I don't barely look at her, won't make eye contact, at the slightest sign of stress I bend way over my knees. I'd hate to see a video of myself :-(

**** Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm sooo different in therapy than I am IRL. And you are NOT a meathead. I think everyone acts different in therapy. You don't normally talk about yourself so deeply, truly, and emotionally as you do in therapy. Even if you don't talk, I think it's still a more intense setting than anywhere IRL, so it's natural it would feel different.

> +++Its not so clear to me. But I think that there's conflict, and when I try and say something, another part will block it. Or my head just spins out. Or at the slightest sign of pain I recoil like I been stung. And I think its just getting blown out of proportion in my case. I've no doubt my inside kid was scared, but I don't think its impossible to face the fear and take it down to size. I had severe childhood asthma that was not well treated. I think thats what mebbe what might have scared her. Not being able to breath, and being all alone..I dunno though. I don't have memories, only emotions.

**** Sounds like an important insight. Have you shared it with your T?

> +++Yeah, guess its always good to ask. Daisy, can I ask you if you would share what you meant in that you learned 'that lesson the hard way?'. I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but I'll take all the help I can get.

**** Well, for me there are just more misunderstandings than it's worth if I assume my T means something rather than asking and getting clarified what he means. It causes me much more heartache to assume.

> FWTW I am stuck w/the fact that my inside kid is all to real :-( to me.
> But I think it exists on a contineum. That there's full blown DID, and then there's just varying degrees of separation of the ego states. Its nothing to be afraid of, and can be a useful tool. I think whenever someone feels 'conflicted' over something, or 'ambivalent', that that is an example of how it feels to have more separated ego states. Different ones, having different feelings about something. So I think all have it to varying dergees.

***** That makes sense. I don't know very much about this, so I'm still thinking about how it might relate to me.

> +++Mebbe you don't want my thots but you can ignore me if you want and thats OK.

***** Of course I want your thoughts!!! I want anyone's thoughts I can get!!!! And yours are very important because you've had so much experience with what's going on in this thread.

> But I realized mt states, when i couldn't figger where certain thots and emotions were commong from. Nothing made any sense at all. Then when I was praying(NOT trying to put religion on ANYone, this is MY experience only), but anyways, I was praying, and God showed me my baby inside kid, oh Lord it was so wonderful, and meant SO much in SO many different ways, its truly a wonder. It meant alot to me that this baby was so sweet, that I wasn't always tainted, that I came from this sweet baby, that the sweet baby was ME! It really was huge. The rest slowly dawned on me as I sorted out feelings and stuff....

****** That sounds like it was nice for you.

> And sadly I guess, an inside kid holds all the bad emotions. Which isn't fair. And it spills over regularly, and is messing me up which is why I need to deal with it.

***** Yeah, bad emotions are hard.

> +++Yeah, Daisy is good at explaining isn't she SD.
> And ALL are worthy. You too SD.
> I hope noone minds me horning in on this thread, but it is of big interest to me. Sorry.
> Muffled


****** Of course I don't mind!! Feel free to post whatever you want. I agree, Daisy is good at explaining, and you are too, muffled. Don't be sorry. I'm tired, or my answers to you would be a little longer.

sunnydays

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » muffled

Posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:27:00

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy, posted by muffled on November 6, 2006, at 11:33:56

You aren't intruding here. No worries.

I have shared a lot of my memories and feelings with my therapist. When I feel young and small, he encourages me to tell him what I'm thinking and he makes it very safe for her to share anything with him.

It is hard to do this sometimes. Lately I've been writing letters from these different parts and I take them and read them. I'm always afraid that he is going to get mad at what I've written, especially when it is really, really hostile. But he doesn't and it does help to have him know that I'm hurting. He talks a lot about the need for a witness as I'm sorting all this out. I sort of whispered today, "I just want you to know. I don't know why I want you to know. I just do." And he said, "of course you do. I need to know. And I'll be with you, it isn't too much for me."

It is OK that you still have a part of you that has to hold all the bad stuff. But it will feel better if you can let her share it. Take baby steps. It is really hard. But you can do it.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again

Posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:36:14

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again, posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 22:16:05

*******And he has told me so many times, and he really tries to get me to believe that. I can tell that he so wants me to believe that because he can feel how much I hurt myself by blaming myself, but I'm just not there yet. Or I think I'm not blaming myself when I say something, but it turns out I am in a more roundabout way. It's so hard.*********

It IS hard. Darn sneaky subconscious! I do the same thing, taking responsibility for the world. Today I cried that I had to have done SOMETHING to make all this happen. No matter how many times I hear that the parent must always be the one to keep it together, I can't help but try to find some reason. I guess we all need to feel like we have/had some control over our world.

My therapist "named" me today. "DAISY! This wasn't your fault. You were just a little girl." It always startles me when he uses my name like that. But it gets my attention. I wish I could hold on to his conviction for longer than the session.

I've talked to my therapist about being afraid of his sudden demise. I think last week it was "what if you get hit by a bus?" He always says, "I don't want that either. I'm being careful with me." :) Talk to your therapist about it. I know you feel sort of silly but it helps reduce the fear by shining a light on it.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » Daisym

Posted by muffled on November 7, 2006, at 0:16:43

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » muffled, posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:27:00

Baby steps. what does that mean Daisy. How do you do that? I scraed to feel her sadness and stuff. I not allowed to cry. What if I actuallt cried. That would be BAD. I can have waterineye, but I can't actually cry. If I cry I have to hurt someone or something, most likely myself. Damn.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » Daisym

Posted by canadagirl on November 7, 2006, at 7:15:25

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » muffled, posted by Daisym on November 6, 2006, at 23:27:00

>>He talks a lot about the need for a witness as I'm sorting all this out. <<<

There may be times when what we need most is an empathic witness to our pain or process -- a strong ally to help us go through what we need to. Having a supportive ally or witness can be particularly important if we are dealing with trauma.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long » Daisym

Posted by bent on November 7, 2006, at 7:21:43

In reply to The Little Girl Inside - long, posted by Daisym on November 4, 2006, at 15:47:56

Daisy-
So many of your posts are helpful to me. This one included. I feel like sometimes you and I battle with similar things, only you are a little ahead of me, but it shows me that its ok to move forward, to be more honest with myself, about myself. Even when it can be dark and painful.

I know there is a girl/girls inside of me. I don’t like them. I am trying to learn. I like being able to say things happened to ‘them’, not me. They are so needy and I worry they will wear out my T and make her frustrated with me. I don’t talk to her about my younger parts. In fact it has only been in the last several months that I even mentioned them at all, after having several dreams where a maybe 8 year old me was talking to the adult me. That was freaky. I just wanted her to go away.

I think a younger part of me is feeling hurt or rejected by my T right now. I finally got up the nerve to tell her how badly I have wanted to just ask her if she cared about me. It was so hard and I stumbled over my words but she never answered me. She just seemed to over-analyze it. She said she could sit there and tell me that she cares for me but she’s concerned about why I have to ask now. Why after 4 years? I just needed a simple answer. Some reassurance. I didn’t know that was wrong. I am certain the younger parts of me are more concerned about her caring than the adult me. And my T is always encouraging me to be more open to the younger parts and to give them a chance. But then when she reacts like this to my question it just scares me.

I didn’t mean to get away from your post and talk about myself. I know this is hard. I think you are very brave. I know sometimes sharing this stuff is hard but I wanted you to know you are helping others too.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » canadagirl

Posted by Daisym on November 7, 2006, at 11:07:38

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » Daisym, posted by canadagirl on November 7, 2006, at 7:15:25

I agree. But why? For someone who is very used to taking care of herself and who has lived with this alone for so long, why is it so important to tell? I don't get it.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » Daisym

Posted by canadagirl on November 7, 2006, at 12:41:04

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy » canadagirl, posted by Daisym on November 7, 2006, at 11:07:38

I don't know...but my former (good) therapist said the only way he can explain it is there's something "magical" that takes place ...on a subconscious level or whatever. We start to heal when we talk about things. Even traumas of long ago. We have to trust that process. There is so much we don't know about how it all actually works. The neurons and rewiring and all of that, that takes place. The body/mind/brain connection is so complex. I guess we just have to trust it if we can.

 

Re: The Little Girl Inside - long » bent

Posted by Daisym on November 7, 2006, at 17:21:10

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long » Daisym, posted by bent on November 7, 2006, at 7:21:43

***I think a younger part of me is feeling hurt or rejected by my T right now. I finally got up the nerve to tell her how badly I have wanted to just ask her if she cared about me. It was so hard and I stumbled over my words but she never answered me. She just seemed to over-analyze it. She said she could sit there and tell me that she cares for me but she’s concerned about why I have to ask now. Why after 4 years? I just needed a simple answer. Some reassurance. I didn’t know that was wrong. I am certain the younger parts of me are more concerned about her caring than the adult me. And my T is always encouraging me to be more open to the younger parts and to give them a chance. But then when she reacts like this to my question it just scares me.***

I hope you can bring it up again with your therapist. Sometimes they just miss what we need. Tell her what you said here - you just needed some reassurance. I've done that - gone back in and said, "I don't want to understand all this right now. I just want some sympathy." I usually get what I needed, even if we have to talk about it again later! :) I guess my point is, therapy is hard work and sometimes you need to rest during the work.

It has been my experience that I get disconnected and distrustful and fearful when I'm getting ready to go deeper. I sort of test him...OK, not sort of...I DO test him. We talk about how I do this and he says it is understandable. I'm so worried about being too much for him that I have to keep checking in, "is this OK? What about this? OK, now are you mad? Can you hear this? Are you leaving me because of what I told you?" And so on.

I think the simply answer to "why now - after 4 years" is that you've developed enough trust in her to really share all the bad stuff, but it would be that much more devastating if she really couldn't hear it or be with you around it. So of course you want to make sure she cares. It is easy to tell yourself that "this" (the abuse stuff) isn't worth the money she earns by doing her job. There are easier clients to work with. So her caring is slightly more insurance against abandonment. Not so simple after all, I guess.

I'm glad you find my posts helpful. I always worry that I write too much, in too much detail. I'm sorry we are on the same path. I'll clear the brush for you, as much as I can.

((((Bent))))


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