Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 697725

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good session - so why am i sad?

Posted by sunnydays on October 25, 2006, at 19:05:58

I had a good session with my T today. I brought up that it felt like he was getting farther and farther away. We talked about what I meant by that for a while, and then I got scared and we talked about what was scary in talking about my feelings for him for a while. Then he asked what I was thinking because I had kind of drifted away, and after much struggling on my part, because I have a lot of trouble saying things, I said, "Sometimes I wish you were my parent."

He made a very gentle, kind of reassuring sound, and then let me calm down a little, because I get really scared right after I say something big. Then he said that that was a profound compliment, and I was still kind of scared and I didn't say anything. He said, "Sometimes I wish I could be your parent too!" That was so nice. He told me it's perfectly normal to think that way, there's nothing wrong with it.

We had started off by talking about how I tend to kind of disconnect when I leave, and then afterwards it's hard for me because it feels like I've never been there. And he said he could see how it would be confusing, and tried to make sure I stayed connected as we were walking out. He even stopped and said, "You still with me?" before he opened the door.

He said that our connection never stops, that even though I'm not there, he still carries me with him. That that doesn't mean he thinks about me every second of the day, but that I'm memorable to people, and they carry me with them in their spirit. That just because I get something from someone doesn't mean it's one way. It goes both ways, and they get something from me that they carry around too.

And I felt good after I left, and it lasted and lasted, but now I feel really sad. I just wish he was my father so bad, and it makes me sad that I can't have that. I mean, he pointed out that it's natural I would feel that way towards him because he does care about me, and he asks me some things that fathers should ask, and he says some things fathers should say, so in some ways he's like a father. But I want him to be a REAL father.

And I have a big test tomorrow I should study for instead of feeling like I'm going to cry. Oh well, it'll work out... (I'm a fairly good student so it's okay if I don't necessarily study a ton tonight).

sunnydays

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 20:07:19

In reply to good session - so why am i sad?, posted by sunnydays on October 25, 2006, at 19:05:58

I don't know why this happens, SD, but it's true for me, too. When we've had a really good session, the "separation anxiety" is often worse for me. I think it's hard for us to trust the connection. But I like what your T says and I believe it's true -- it's just hard to trust it, you know?

Take care of yourself.

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays

Posted by annierose on October 25, 2006, at 20:33:16

In reply to good session - so why am i sad?, posted by sunnydays on October 25, 2006, at 19:05:58

There is also the aspect of grieving --- coming to a realization of a connection that should have been there for you when you were young, a father you did feel that way about. As children, it is natural (and a normal part of development) to attach and depend upon our parents. But when that bond is broken or in disrepair for whatever reason, well that memory stays within us, reminding us not to trust those feelings again.

Your t is very kind and thoughtful. I'm glad he told you how he felt.

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » annierose

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 21:13:20

In reply to Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays, posted by annierose on October 25, 2006, at 20:33:16

Very true, Annie.

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on October 26, 2006, at 0:34:57

In reply to good session - so why am i sad?, posted by sunnydays on October 25, 2006, at 19:05:58

I think sometimes it is hard to get a taste of what should have happened and then have to leave. If your dad had been like your therapist, you would have that "all the time" -- not just once per week, you know?

So I think those good sessions are bittersweet. But I'm proud of you for pushing yourself. You told him something hard and he honored it. These are the experiences that will help you heal.

Sometimes I describe the connection I feel to my therapist after a session like you had as "a secret smile in my heart." I hope you have the same feeling and it stays around for you.
Hugs,
Daisy

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » TherapyGirl

Posted by sunnydays on October 26, 2006, at 9:34:58

In reply to Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays, posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 20:07:19

Thanks, TG. Feeling a little better today. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, but I woke up at 5 am this morning and lay awake for two hours just so sad because he's so important to me, but in a year and a half I'll have to leave and it makes me sad. But I'm trying not to think about it, because we still have a lot of time left and I'm sure it will work out.

sunnydays

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » annierose

Posted by sunnydays on October 26, 2006, at 9:35:45

In reply to Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays, posted by annierose on October 25, 2006, at 20:33:16

Thanks annierose. Yes, I think he's kind and thoughtful too! I do think it is profound grief. Thank you for thinking of me.

sunnydays

 

Re: good session - so why am i sad? » Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on October 26, 2006, at 9:38:45

In reply to Re: good session - so why am i sad? » sunnydays, posted by Daisym on October 26, 2006, at 0:34:57

I know, I do want him to be my dad all the time. He says it's good I would want it all the time, because it means that I am looking for something healthy. It may not be a realistic goal, but he said it's very healthy to want caring and kindness and comfort for oneself all the time.

It was really hard. He said he was proud of me for telling him. It's a huge deal, because even a few months ago I couldn't even have come near to saying that.

I know that feeling of a 'secret smile in my heart'. I was so much more cheerful the rest of the day, and none of my friends could figure out why. It was like I had a little bit of comfort that was just mine that I could carry around and didn't have to give to anyone else.

Thanks, Daisy. I know you've been having a hard time, and I hope things get better for you soon.

sunnydays


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