Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 697716

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I need some help

Posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

I need some help. I just got diagnosed by my therapist as having BPD (Borderline)..TODAY..and I am really upset about it. I have been in therapy for 2 or so years with him and I have always felt like this is what I have but no one ever has believed it until now..and he told me he has been watching me for a while now and has been thinking it but hasnt said anything. I am so scared because I have had this for years and it explains a lot about myself and my relationships wtih others...I have never been able to hold a relationship/Friendship with anyone.. I feel like no one deserves to have to put up with me and that I need to "protect" the world from myself. I was striving to be a counselor and have been going to school for a degree in social work but I am starting to rethink it because I am so unstable. I was told that BPD is chronic and that even with meds you are not stable...I am on prozac and lamictal right now and yes they help with my depression but other than that...I told him it was like I was just taking air...they arent helping my BPD at all.

I feel like my life is a mistake and that I am wasting space...that i am floating in air waiting for something to happen...I get so jealous of everyone around me and how that they are "normal". I was reading the book I hate you dont leave me..about BPD and it said that borderlines dont have the ability to experience two states of emotions at one time...whereas most people can be mad at someone one minute and turn around and be completely ok and happy with everyone else the next. With me, it is all or nothing...I hate you ..I love you...if Im happy...Im happy..if Im upset...everyone else will know and should be upset with me...I HATE THIS. BPD is a thought process and emotions disorder and so it makes sense that my meds would help the depression but not the BPD..my brian is so messed up. I heard this was a dibilitating disease..does that mean it is going to progress and get worse...I cannot die from this can I? I told him I am one step closer to becoming crazy and that scares me.

I need help and support. He wanted to do DBT therapy which I understand but he was wanting to change my sessions to be where we cannot talk about what is bothering me ...we are just to focus on the skills and lessons of DBT...I cannot do this because I need to have someone I can talk to..and to me that is what a therapist is. He told me we wouldnt change it. I just feel like if we were..I would come in angry and upset ...and I would feel like he abandoned me because it would be like he didnt even care about me..and I cannot take that right now..I have too much going on in my life and I need a therapist that will show empathy and understanding. I told him it would be too hard for me to come in each week KNOWING that he has the ability to show empathy and support and yet ...he wouldnt with me...so hopefully this will not change.

I am so scared right now...if anyone who has this disorder could help me out and give me some advice and opinions...even if you dont have it...I need some help...I feel so lost and alone and unworthy.

Please help me. thanks.
AF

 

Re: I need some help

Posted by muffled on October 25, 2006, at 19:29:34

In reply to I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

Well. You've been labelled. that in of itself sucks. But sort of a releif too. to give it a name. I got labels too, right or wrong.(one of them is bpd)
I know there's alot of negative crap out there bout bpd.
But its not the end of the world. It is treatable. Just some hard work is all. You need a determined T. I luckily have one.
And you know. Just the relationship w/my T in of itself has helped. I have learned to trust someone. Its weird.
Its helped tons.
I have heard good things bout dbt. Started doing it some, but got the boot. Mebbe I'll try again....
Just be straight w/your T bout how you feel bout stuff, and if he any good, you guys should be able to work thru stuff.
Keep posting,
Good to meet you.
Muffled

 

Re: I need some help

Posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 21:40:46

In reply to I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

My understanding of DBT is that it's got both an individual component and a group. The group is where you study the skills, the individual is where you process what happened in group. Makes sense.

GG and Dinah were talking about going through the Linehan DBT skills modules on the board a while back. What would you think about something like that? Even just going through some of it on your own and asking your T some questions if you didn't understand something?

I'm sorry you're hurting.

For what it's worth, the personality disorders are now thought to improve with time. It used to be said that PDs were chronic, there was no real help, etc. Not anymore. My guess is that things will improve over time for you, with regard to your BPD symptoms. And if you start working on it now, you'll speed that process.

Good luck to you.

 

Re: I need some help

Posted by canadagirl on October 25, 2006, at 22:18:24

In reply to I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

So sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. YOu are definitely not unworthy and when we feel like that it's time to remind ourselves how worthy of help and guidance and kindness of others we really are. A diagnosis is just words on paper or words in the air. It doesn't define who you are. I also believe DBT skills can benefit ANYONE. There are senior executives in companies attending expensive seminars that basically teach those types of skills in one form or another. It doesn't mean you are "one step closer to going crazy". It means you are one step closer to getting "well" - glad you're able to put your needs out there.

 

Re: I need some help

Posted by Amandafran on October 26, 2006, at 14:11:59

In reply to Re: I need some help, posted by canadagirl on October 25, 2006, at 22:18:24

Does anyone perhaps know of any online communities...(besides this one) that deals strictly with BPD?? I feel like if there is ever a time that i might need hospitalizatoin for a mental illness ...this will be it. I have always pictured myself "going crazy". I know that if I am to go into the psych center that because of my anger/temper/and fear I will give the staff a run for their money...then...I will realize just how "sick" I am. My life seems so unreal to me right now..I dont know if I am coming or going. I need help. NO...what I need is a boyfriend...but yet at the same time who in their right mind would want to be with someone like me? Im too intense for people to handle and yet I long so much to be loved and cared for just like anyone else. Im so lost and scared. I dont want to be "hurt" but at the same time I want to be able to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. I feel that being put in the hospital would "hurt" me. I would feel like the world was against me. I am already jealous of the entire world..all of the "healthy" people...why cant I be "healthy" like them. What makes me so different? What makes me different is the way I see things and interpret things in the world. And yet no amount of medication is going to help me.

I dont know what to do.

 

Re: I need some help Amandafran

Posted by Raindancer on October 26, 2006, at 16:38:27

In reply to I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

Amandafran, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this and that things are so scary. It makes me sad that people put labels on us and make us feel unworthy, when it just isn't true at all. I was diagnosed as BPD and Avoidant PD some years ago and am now training to be a T. I have the help of a wonderful therapist, who sees people as unique and special rather than as labels and this has made all the difference. All the Ts and trainee Ts I have met have some difficulty in their early lives and I'm pretty certain that any one person in the world would have at least one PD if tested.

BPD is tough and makes life that much harder, but it doesn't mean you can't do the things in life that you long to do. Perhaps it may take a little longer. You have so much to give to the world, and an understanding that those who haven't seen the darkest side of life will never have.

DBT skills are excellent and, as Canadagirl says, are for everyone. I can understand that you would prefer to keep your relationship with your therapist as it is, but it is possible to learn these skills through Marsha Linehan's book on your own. He might then be happy to discuss your progress as part of your normal relationship.

My thoughts are with you. Go well. Please let us know how you are.
((((Amandafran)))

 

Re: I need some help Raindancer

Posted by Amandafran on October 26, 2006, at 16:49:10

In reply to Re: I need some help Amandafran, posted by Raindancer on October 26, 2006, at 16:38:27

Thank you. I am also in training to one day be a T but Im just starting out. I feel like no one should have to have a T that is probably more "sick" than they are. This is what I am struggling with and as a matter of fact, I went to my professors today and they both talked to me about whether or not I was in the right Field. I was told yesterday that I would never be completely "stable" even with medication and so WHY would ANYONE want to be under the care of an unstable person??? Im so scared. It is nice to know that there are others out there that are trying to persue becoming a mental health T/Counselor... I just want acceptance and I feel like over the past 24 hours my world has been turned upside down...my friend told me thta nothing has really changed but IT HAS. That is easy for her to say...she hasnt been Labeled.

My therapist told me that normally he doesnt tell his client what they have...he just treats them and keeps it to himself...but I wanted to know..and so he told me. I just dont thnk it is right to go through life without knowing what is wrong..and with him withholding information from me...it makes me feel like a baby.

I am also working on trying to find my birthmother....I was adopted and because of all my mental issues ...I want to locate her to see if I can find out her medical history ...I think it will give me a lot of answers as to why I am the way that I am...I hate myself right now...everyone is fine except for me. My life is pretty sucky now and I feel like EVERY MOVE I MAKE is being judged by my therapist..I cannot call or email him because in his eyes NOW he sees it as my disorder making it to where I cannot control when and why I email...whereas in the past...it has NOT been a problem.

Im just so tired of being myself.

 

Re: I need some help Amandafran

Posted by Raindancer on October 26, 2006, at 18:53:51

In reply to Re: I need some help Raindancer, posted by Amandafran on October 26, 2006, at 16:49:10

Amandafran, you seem to have a lot of courage. I would be very doubtful about people that predict your future and as for never being completely stable, I doubt that anyone is ever that. To a certain extent your friend is right in that you are no different from the person you were before your therapist told you his diagnosis. Remember you don't have to accept this label, which your therapist was unwilling to mention. If you look into your heart I think you might see that this is unimportant to him. The important thing to him will be you, Amandafran, which shows in his wanting you to have the tools of DBT available to you so you can live more effectively. He certainly won't want to fit you into a mould that will restrict your growth. You say "everyone is fine except me". I think a lot of people look fine when they are not really OK. Training to be a T is tough, but you will know that you learn a lot about accepting yourself and others as you train and this can also be healing. Therapyisn't at all black and white, with a sick client and a healthy T, just shades of grey and on occasions I do believe that the client can be on better form than the T. But it is the T that has the training and keeps the boundaries and strives to keep the client safe. The mere fact that you care about being "sicker" than the client means that you already care a great deal.

Sorry to ramble on. I really care about you and think you're great.R.

 

Re: I need some help Raindancer

Posted by Amandafran on October 26, 2006, at 19:02:29

In reply to Re: I need some help Amandafran, posted by Raindancer on October 26, 2006, at 18:53:51

Thanks. I am struggling. I read on the computer about how bpd people tend to use frantic efforts to not be abandoned..and I feel like my T has done just that. I emailed him two times already this evening and the second time I was telling him that I didnt know how to act because I knew he would take my actions as being a part of the BPD...so I already feel like he has abandoned me!

You know I am fascinated learning about all of this...but it is different when it is YOU that it pertains to. I have been misdiagnosed SEVERAL TIMES...not by him...but my previous T...and but I think we have NAILED it. I just dont know how to be me anymore. I was confused to begin with..but now I dont know what is right or wrong anymore. WHAT REALLY STINKS is that my Psychiatrist is not able to see me until the MIDDLE of NOV. so Im on prozac and Lamical....but obviously not enough...and I cannot get my medicine changed or regulated until then...WHAT THE HECK am I supposed to do between now and then...I was already starting to suffer Panic Attacks...and they wouldnt write me any meds because I used to overuse Ativan...so Im already suffering from that...

 

Doh! Lost my first reply! Amandafran

Posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 20:58:52

In reply to Re: I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 26, 2006, at 14:11:59

> Does anyone perhaps know of any online communities...(besides this one) that deals strictly with BPD??

I did a very, very brief google, and found two straight off the bat:
http://www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard/
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/communities.htm

I'm sure if you look a bit more, you can find more.

>What makes me so different? What makes me different is the way I see things and interpret things in the world. And yet no amount of medication is going to help me.
>
> I dont know what to do.

Heheheh, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think that statement above, about no amount of medication helping you, is a product of the sort of thinking that you're talking about... Don't you think it's just a little, how can I say this? A little absolute?

First of all, let me say that I'm guessing a lot of your distress right now is simply having a label applied. Even if you knew about it, thought it fit you, are relieved to have a name for what's going on -- there's still got to be an ajustment period for any sort of diagnosis, while you integrate it into your self-image. I hope things will ease for you soon.

But I don't think you got something I wrote to you already: the new accepted wisdom is that personality disorders are actually LESS static over time than Axis I disorders like depression or anxiety. All that stuff about, "Oh, it's a PD, there's no hope of any meaningful improvement" has proven to be wrong. In fact, the most recent article I've read on the subject says that PDs improve much more than Axis I disorders like depression. It's OK to go through an adjustment phase at getting that diagnosis, but I really hope you don't take the bleakest view of it.

I hope that helps.

 

Re: Doh! Lost my first reply! Racer

Posted by Amandafran on October 26, 2006, at 21:04:58

In reply to Doh! Lost my first reply! Amandafran, posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 20:58:52

thanks...it all is a big help for me...and you are right...my negative thinking is a part of the bpd...but that makes it difficult because I have been negative for so long...Im kind of having to start completely over..or at least feel that way...like I am redoing myself...

Thanks for your help...I do appreciate it.
AF

 

Going to the hospital

Posted by Amandafran on October 30, 2006, at 19:50:43

In reply to I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

I have started to loose my sense of self. I dont konw how to act in the world. I know this might sound stupid...but I really am scared. What I thought was "normal" Im finding out is NOT. Who I have been almost all my life is wrong and now my "support group" is telling me basically to get over it and that nothing has changed since I found out my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is easy for them to say because they arent the ones dealing with it. Every thing I do or say ..every action I take is wrong. AND come to find out that my Psychiatrist is MOVING...great timing...right when I need to increase or add something...she makes the decision to move...great. Just my luck. Could my doctor or T put me in the hospital if I stopped talking altogether? I have stopped talking because nothing I say is right...everything is being "Judged" by my doctors and therapist and so I feel like I cannot breathe. IT is better for me to not say anything than to say something that is just going to be looked at as my BPD messing up..Im able to get up in the mornings and go to work and Im functioning but I DONT WANT TO.

Literally, I think it would be easier for me to just go nuts so that I dont have to deal with being frustrated at myself all the time with every thought or thing that I do that is wrong. I want to go to the hospital just to be away from the world but I dont have the money for it..and I dont really think I fit the criteria for being hospital bound...Although,
Last week I did almost convince myself that I was going crazy. I was so low about finding out my diagnosis and all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide. I dont want to have to take care of myself..I want to be able to hide ..to start over...to forget everything and BE NORMAL...but those arent grounds for being admitted to the psych center...are they?

I have never been to the hospital and it isnt my life desire to go there...but I want to be able to get away from my problems.

The problem is that I know if I go into the hospital...I am going to be the worlds worst patient. I HATE AUTHORITY and I would hate people telling me what to do..and honestly ...I wouldnt do everything they wanted. I wouldnt go to group therapy, I would want a room by myself, and I wouldnt want to be forced to eat...if Im not hungry Im not hungry...(I can get very stubborn)

I would be a nightmare and give them a run for their money...and it would freak me out because I get aggressive when I am scared or angry and scared and if this were to happen...I would then really realize how "sick" I truly was...I feel like the world is so much healthier than I am and I am jealous...I know if I were in the hospital they would be pumping me full of tranquilizers...which would be horrible for me knowing that I was truly losing it...

But in all honestly...that is how I feel.
I dont know what to do or what direction to take.

 

Re: Going to the hospital Amandafran

Posted by Deneb on October 30, 2006, at 20:46:51

In reply to Going to the hospital, posted by Amandafran on October 30, 2006, at 19:50:43

I feel like I would do the same thing if I ever got locked up in the hospital again.

I would yell to be let out. I would throw stuff and make a mess. I would throw a major temper tantrum.

My pdoc once said I had a borderline personality too. I don't think she labels me though. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she only told me because I said I had a BPD. I don't think I always have it. Sometimes I do really well. I don't know if I still have it. I don't think it really matters.

Deneb*


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