Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 695510

Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

got a letter from anne

Posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

I havent cried this hard in a long time. I cant take this.

Here is what the letter said.

Dear wishingstar:

I received your mesage earlier this week withdrawing your rquest for a last session. I think you;re right in that a last session would have been unlikely to be productive. I also hear the pain in your words and in your voice. And I know that when a relationship is no longer productive, it is often best for it to end, sad and difficult as that may be.

So as our relationship ends, I send with you my hopes for places of comfort and strength, relationships that support your growth and facilitate your healing, and involvements that call forth the energy you have to give to the world.

Best wishes,
Anne


I guess that's a nice letter. I should be glad she sent it, right? I'm not. I would have prefered hearing nothing from her ever again over that. That feels so.. I just dont know. I dont even know how to explain how it feels. But I've been crying ever since I opened it. I guess I hoped for someone more.. not an invitation back to see her by any means (i wouldnt take that anyway), but... something. I hate her. I really do. I wish she would just die. And I've never, ever said that about a person before (or even felt it). I just hate this.

I see Ginny at 1. Thank goodness. But Laurie basically told me on Friday that they both are concerned I'm obsessing over this, so who cares. I cant talk about it to them without further pathologizing myself. I cant do this anymore. This is just too much.

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by bent on October 17, 2006, at 10:17:24

In reply to got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

I am glad you see your new T today. I am sorry you are upset. I know what you mean about wishing she hadnt sent that letter. I too probably would have prefered just not hearing from her. Perhaps she thought the letter would provide you with some closure. But to me that wouldnt be helpful after just seeing her. Sometimes I think T's are so used to the process of therapy that they can forget how much impact their actions have. Ending a relationship is a slow process for us and they need to remember that. The door needs to be closed slowly, not slammed in our faces. I understand your T's gesture, but I understand your pain more. I hope you find your session today to be helpful. Please dont worry about what the new T thinks. Sure, you are obsessing over this right now. I think most of us would. You need to let it out. You will get through it.

 

Re: got a letter from anne

Posted by ElaineM on October 17, 2006, at 10:43:26

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar, posted by bent on October 17, 2006, at 10:17:24

WS, don't let Anne make you give up on Ginny -- the same way you didn't give up on Laurie even though all that other stuff was happening. I can see why you're so upset by the letter. If I was coming to it with a blind reading then I think it sounds nice, a little formal, but nice. Though I guess it's been made kinda hard to trust the sincerity of the sentiments with how poorly she treated you in the end. If you can't trust her veracity then nice sounding stuff seems insulting, if not downright cold.

It sounds like she could be trying to end her part in your life the "right" way - like what the others said - closure and support and bestwishes. But it's a retroactive attempt, so no wonder you feel hate towards her.

Not that anything coming from her would sound good, but do you think that maybe she feels like such a jerk, so ineffective and insensitive as a T that she could genuinely feel bad for how she treated you. Maybe she can't express it better than that letter - someone people aren't the most sensitive or eloquent - though that would kinda make them not be T material. I wonder if she was trying to walk a line between supportive and something that would sound like an invite back. Or maybe she was just trying to cover her own butt. I guess you can't know for sure.

I'm so glad that you have Ginny. I'm glad you're done with Anne. I think maybe Ginny and Laurie could worry that focusing on Anne too much at the beginning of a new relationship could hurt you forming one with Ginny. I don't think they'd want you to not share - it's still really fresh. I think it's important, and relevant, to be talking about Anne for now. But sometimes in group we used to "put stuff away", or "aside" that was too traumatic at that particular moment, not to forget about, but to work on a different time. I don't know, what do you think? Maybe Ginny has some ideas on how you can approach dealing with the subject of ANne.

I'm obviously not good at understanding all this T stuff and doing the right things, but you've made Ginny sound dear before - keep trying to go to her. You deserve someone noticing you, and listening, and understanding you.
((((((WishingStar))))))
blove, EL

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 17, 2006, at 11:01:53

In reply to got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

That letter would p*ss me off, too. And you're NOT obsessing over this -- you are sincerely looking for closure without any help from the Clueless One. So I think you should take the letter in to Ginny and discuss how it sounds to you and how you can process closure on your own. Give Ginny a chance to be a good T, okay?

((((((WishingStar)))))

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by muffled on October 17, 2006, at 15:29:46

In reply to got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

> Dear wishingstar:
>
> I received your mesage earlier this week withdrawing your rquest for a last session. I think you;re right in that a last session would have been unlikely to be productive. I also hear the pain in your words and in your voice. And I know that when a relationship is no longer productive, it is often best for it to end, sad and difficult as that may be.
>
> So as our relationship ends, I send with you my hopes for places of comfort and strength, relationships that support your growth and facilitate your healing, and involvements that call forth the energy you have to give to the world.
>
> Best wishes,
> Anne
>
>
> I guess that's a nice letter.

***Kinda short and cold and to the point....

I should be glad she sent it, right? I'm not.

****Yup, its kinda short and cold and to the point.

I would have prefered hearing nothing from her ever again over that. That feels so.. I just dont know. I dont even know how to explain how it feels. But I've been crying ever since I opened it. I guess I hoped for someone more.. not an invitation back to see her by any means (i wouldnt take that anyway), but... something. I hate her. I really do. I wish she would just die. And I've never, ever said that about a person before (or even felt it). I just hate this.

***You may not actually wish she would ie deep in your heart, but really, the fact that you feel so strongly bout the whole thing surely should be of interest to your current T because its proly indicative of an inner prob. that needsa to be dealt with. old baggage.
>
> I see Ginny at 1. Thank goodness. But Laurie basically told me on Friday that they both are concerned I'm obsessing over this, so who cares. I cant talk about it to them without further pathologizing myself. I cant do this anymore. This is just too much.

***DO talk about it. Thats what T is FOR. To help you process your stuff. Thats exactly their job. Let them help you. They can't help if you won't be honest.
I hope your new T turns out to be a good one. She seems she might. I alternately thot my T was wonderful and also an idiot....but right now i'm mostly in wonderful mode!!! LOL. And its nice.
I hope you can get in wonderful mode soon.
Take care,
Muffled

 

Re: got a letter from anne

Posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 19:30:29

In reply to got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

Thank you everyone for telling me I'm not crazy. I think hearing what you all said helped me to understand a little more why I'm so upset by this. Like you all said (and I agree), the letter was so short, so to the point.. it felt cold. And like ElaineM said, it's hard for me to believe its sincere at this point. I dont really believe that she feels bad or "gets it" now. I almost feel like she just has somehow cut sensitivity and empathy out of her completely, at least for me. I dont understand how someone can be so neutral through all this. I think she probably wrote the letter a little out of wanting to make things "right" but mostly just to humor me, in hopes that I'd finally let it go and move on and leave her alone. I was planning on leaving her alone anyway. If she really meant any of what she said, shed have said it a month ago.

I saw Ginny this afternoon. I put on my happy face big time, but showed her the letter and we talked about it. I didnt cry there.. I wanted to, but it was just too scary. But she was very supportive. She agreed that it felt sort of abrupt and professional, and could see how it felt too late for me. She commented on how much it would have helped if Anne had said those things a month ago, either in a phone call, a letter, or come by the hospital. That was exactly right. I paid this woman a LOT of money and I think I at least deserved that. Ginny agreed. She didnt act like she thought I was overreacting.. although I didnt bring that up either. Ginny suggested maybe writing Anne a letter in response, but I told her I dont think I will. At this point, I think it might just be dragging things out. If she hasnt gotten it (or responded in the way I want her to) by now, she never will.

Ginny told me about the conversation she had with Laurie on Friday. She said that Laurie spoke very highly of me. That's really good to hear.

I left a message for Laurie this afternoon saying that this Fri probably wont be our last session since I still havent settled with a T down here. Ginny is likely just temporary until I find someone for twice a week. But I also told Laurie that I'm thinking of taking a break from therapy. I know that sounds crazy, but I just need a break. This is all just too hard. Sure, I'd suffer a lot even without therapy, but at least I'd have a little more money.

Overall I am feeling much calmer now. But truthfully, I just want to die. I cant keep doing this. I told Ginny that. She asked me if I needed to be in the hospital and I said no. But I just cant keep doing this. I just need SOMETHING to go right. I guess it could always be worse.

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 17, 2006, at 20:26:33

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 19:30:29

I hear your frustration and your exhaustion with the whole thing, WishingStar. But I would like to point out that one small thing is going right -- Ginny listened to you and responded in a helpful way today. I know, I know there are problems with seeing her long-term. But Ginny is hope that there is a good T out there for you, you know? Please don't give up yet. I think seeing Ginny once/week would be better than quitting altogether.

((((((((WishingStar)))))))))

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 20:30:09

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 19:30:29

You know, Wishingstar,
you are just so raw and open, that even blowing cool air on that wound would be excruciating. You need to remember that you cannot heal overnight, or as soon as you meet a new T. You need some time. Some easy time, something not intense, just support. You don't need to do "work" in therapy right now. You just need support, and someone to tell you that you ARE strong enough to make it through this.
>
> I saw Ginny this afternoon. I put on my happy face big time, but showed her the letter and we talked about it. I didnt cry there.. I wanted to, but it was just too scary. But she was very supportive. She agreed that it felt sort of abrupt and professional, and could see how it felt too late for me. She commented on how much it would have helped if Anne had said those things a month ago, either in a phone call, a letter, or come by the hospital. That was exactly right. I paid this woman a LOT of money and I think I at least deserved that. Ginny agreed. She didnt act like she thought I was overreacting.. although I didnt bring that up either. Ginny suggested maybe writing Anne a letter in response, but I told her I dont think I will. At this point, I think it might just be dragging things out. If she hasnt gotten it (or responded in the way I want her to) by now, she never will.

yeah, just let it lie for now. let things settle. It's too raw. You're not ready for that. You know yourself best, and you know that you're not ready.

> Ginny told me about the conversation she had with Laurie on Friday. She said that Laurie spoke very highly of me. That's really good to hear.
>
WS- that's so wonderful. Even in the midst of all of this turbulence in your life and your treatment team-- there's this ray of light- Laurie is shining a ray of light to help you and Ginny start on the right foot. I think that's a beautiful thing. AND it's a beautiful thing that you can take Laurie's kind words to heart. You still love yourself and respect yourself enough that Laurie's words resonate with that part of you.


> I left a message for Laurie this afternoon saying that this Fri probably wont be our last session since I still havent settled with a T down here. Ginny is likely just temporary until I find someone for twice a week. But I also told Laurie that I'm thinking of taking a break from therapy. I know that sounds crazy, but I just need a break. This is all just too hard. Sure, I'd suffer a lot even without therapy, but at least I'd have a little more money.


Yeah, you need a break from "work". Your partial program was really intense. You know, the brain is a very flexible organ, but it takes weeks to recover from a serious workout. You're still adjusting to your medication, and your new T... It's a LOT of stuff to deal with. Just focus on the basics- I eat frozen dinners. Lean Cuisine. And I make sure to always have milk and cereal. It's enough to survive on. Everyonce in a while you get some "good time". Your laundry can wait until you have energy. You don't need to push yourself so hard. It's going to be okay, really.

> Overall I am feeling much calmer now. But truthfully, I just want to die. I cant keep doing this. I told Ginny that. She asked me if I needed to be in the hospital and I said no. But I just cant keep doing this. I just need SOMETHING to go right. I guess it could always be worse.

It could ALWAYS be worse. but!! It WILL get better. You just count the hours. the days. and your next session is your goal. You'll make it. I know you will. You have gotten through a LOT WishingStar. You can make it through this too. Ginny is just getting to know you, and you are just getting to know her. It's going to take some time, but she sounds OK. I'm going to make some chamomile tea now. You want to join me? It's really soothing. If you're comfy where you are, I'll just bring you a cup. you want honey? sugar? straight up?

take care Wishingstar- you've made it through the worst-- you can start to let go of the pain now. really slowly, like sand slipping through your fingers. Anne is history- dust in the wind.

-Li

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by pegasus on October 18, 2006, at 10:26:38

In reply to got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

God, I have such mixed feelings about that letter. It *does* sound nice, and I'm sure Anne meant it to be helpful. I mean, why else send it? She expresses some warm feelings, like good hopes for you, etc. And what she says about unproductive relationships is technically true, and phrased in a lovely way if you don't know the history . . .

But . . . It is really disturbing how she has just slammed the door in your face. And never apologizes or owns how she's treated you badly. I'm very thankful that most Ts don't behave like that when they believe that a relationship has become unproductive. I mean, geez, there's *unproductive*, and then there's *damaging*.

Actually, this letter is kind of like she opened the door after she slammed it, and then dressed it up in ribbons and perfume and then slammed it again. I bet she doesn't even see how that might feel from your point of view.

I'm really sorry you keep getting stomped on by Anne with her clumsy, unaware big feet. Just keep telling yourself that it's *her* not *you*. It's ok to think about this a lot. If you're obsessing, it's still ok. It's Laurie and Ginny's jobs to help you with that. And that's what we're here for too. We're good with obsessions. :)

p

 

Re: got a letter from anne » pegasus

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 18, 2006, at 12:19:45

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on October 18, 2006, at 10:26:38

I just have to say, Pegasus, that I *love* your way with words.

What you said wasn't all that different from what I said, but your words -- WOW!

Thanks for posting.

 

Re: got a letter from anne

Posted by wishingstar on October 18, 2006, at 18:55:36

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne » pegasus, posted by TherapyGirl on October 18, 2006, at 12:19:45

I'm really not in a place to write a coherent response to anyones comments right now. I want to.. and I will.. but I just cant do it at the moment. I just wanted to say that I got them and really truly appreciate all your support. You guys are right on... like therapygirl said, I love your way with words pegasus.

I called a suicide hotline last night and spoke to a young-ish girl who must not have been doing it for long. She lectured me about how there are people who love me and to just listen to what my therapist says and things will get better. Also, I guess no one told her that the words hospitalization and institutionalization are NOT used interchangably... at least not in my mind. Oh well. She said she'd have one of her supervisors call me this morning (someone who knew my town and its resources) but did anyone call? No, of course not. I must be wearing a sign that says "if i ask you to call back, im just kidding".

I called another tonight. Still less than helpful. Theres just nothing these anonymous people can do for me. That isnt their fault. I wish there was though. Just a minute ago I called and left a message for Laurie asking her to call me. We'll see. I'm doing laundry to prepare for the possibiliy that I might just admit myself tomorrow or this weekend. I'm just at the end of my rope.

Thank you everyone for being here and understanding.

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by bent on October 18, 2006, at 19:29:56

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 18, 2006, at 18:55:36

Sounds like you are having a really rough time. I have never called any of those hotlines (i have been close tho) but I always wondered if they'd be useful. I always think in my mind that talking to some stranger isnt going to amount to anything for me. But then again, I have felt totally at the end of my rope and NEEDED someone, anyone, to just hear me. I am glad you called when you felt the need. I am just sorry they were not more helpful. If you are feeling unsafe please consider the hospital. I know its not what you might want but I want you to be safe. These rough times will get better. They really will.

 

Re: got a letter from anne

Posted by ElaineM on October 18, 2006, at 19:41:58

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 18, 2006, at 18:55:36

The same thing happened to me. twice. (i don't think I've posted about it) I'm sorry. Truly. it's hard when people say call here for help, and then nothing happens. i was devastated when i didn't get an answer. it's pretty hard to contact a crisis line too - always some small hope involved. I tried to convince myself that it shouldn't be a big deal (shouldn't have been much of a surprise considering my luck either, stuff like that), and that alot of these people are just volunteers who only complete a short course, and make mistakes and oversights too. But it didn't help. (((WS))) :"(
i don't understand how a cry for help can go unanswered. i don't know what to do either. take care of yourself and do go to the hospital when you think it's time. Don't worry about responding - I know it's too hard right now.
I'm always thinking of you - especially when I feel alone and trapped where I am. Wrote a bmail to you the other day, felt like a jerk and erased it. wanted to tell you that I tried it because of you telling us how you did before. but what can i really say other than i'm sad you have so much pain, and I care about how you're doing - even if it's only over the computer. Keep trying different ones - the third one I tried returned a message twice (two days late, but still).
(((((((((((Wishingstar))))))))))
blove EL

 

Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 18, 2006, at 19:46:43

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 18, 2006, at 18:55:36

I like the way you are trying to take care of yourself WishingStar. Keep trying to hang in there, okay? You have all the Babblers cheering you on.

(((((((((WishingStar))))))))))

 

Re: got a letter from anne

Posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 10:19:08

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 18, 2006, at 19:46:43

thank you bent, elaine, and therapygirl (and everyone else too) for understanding.

Laurie called me back this morning. I told her I was really suicidal and about the letter with anne. She tried to remind me that these feelings are just feelings and dont have any more power than any other feeling, that itll get better eventually, etc.. but it didnt really help. I dont think theres anything that she could say that would help now. She reminded me that I've gotten through this in the past, and I can do it again... it's not that I dont think I can do it (i know i can).. its a choice. I dont WANT to do it.

She encouraged me to call my pdoc. I'm only taking 10mg lexapro (been on it a little over a month) and it's doing nothing. No surprise given that no SSRI has ever worked for me before. My next appointment isnt until Nov 6. I called a few minutes ago, but they cant get me in any earlier. They said I can call randomly to see if there are any cancellations, but its pretty unlikely. Great. THIS is why it's so hard to keep trying.. they (Ts, etc) say to be proactive, take good steps to help yourself.. but what do you do when it doesnt matter what you do? When no matter what steps you take, nothing seems to make one bit of a difference?

I did what someone suggested and went out and bought a bunch of "easy" foods and comfort things last night. Popcorn, cereal, applesauce, mac and cheese.. things that dont require any prep. I dont need any more stress. I bought a new DVD too.

I also called Ginny this morning and asked her to call me if she has any cancellations today. I told her that if I dont hear from her, I'll just assume she doesnt. We'll see.

 

Re: got a letter from anne » ElaineM

Posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 10:24:05

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne, posted by ElaineM on October 18, 2006, at 19:41:58

Elaine.. I'm so proud of you for at least trying to call the crisis line! I really am. Even if it didnt work out as you hoped (I can relate, obviously) it was very brave and took a lot of strength for you to do it. You're right, calling is very hard. Once I did get a really good person on a hotline, so it just depends... I dont blame you if you dont want to try again, but also dont give up hope. Also, I'm always happy to hear from you both here and on babblemail.. so you dont ever need to feel dumb or anything. We can all relate to how you're feeling. I'm proud of you for not giving up and contiuning to try, even when things arent working the way you want. Even though our situations are very different, I think there are a lot of similarities. Hang in there.

 

appt with new T

Posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 16:23:28

In reply to Re: got a letter from anne » ElaineM, posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 10:24:05

I just got an appointment with yet another new T for next Wed. Supposedly this guy would be able to see me twice a week. I'm really not excited about seeing a man... I've always done better with women. Oh well. I'll try it, I guess. What else can I do?

 

Re: appt with new T » wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2006, at 18:27:02

In reply to appt with new T, posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 16:23:28

Is this guy with Ginny's practice? Because I would have high hopes for anyone she supervises based on what you've said about her so far.

Also, remember how well you did with Randy in the partial program? And he was a guy. So keep an open mind. You can still see Ginny once/week if this doesn't work out, right?

Did she have any cancellations today?

 

Re: appt with new T » TherapyGirl

Posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 18:54:35

In reply to Re: appt with new T » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2006, at 18:27:02

Unfortunatley this guy isnt in Ginnys practice. Hes in some sliding scale clinic here in my town (shes in the town over, about 30 min away). I'm not sure how well she knows him, if at all. I am going to try to keep an open mind about it. I do have a fall back plan.

She didnt have any cancellations today. She called me around 1:00 and said so, and I told her how bad I was doing.. she asked several times if I needed to be in the hospital and I told her I'd think about it. She told me she'd call back at 5:00 (after her last session) to check on me and get this, she DID. I know, seems obvious, but that hasnt been my luck lately. We only talked for a minute but she said I could call over the weekend or anytime if I needed to. I really, really like her. Now I'm convincing myself she hates me, I think probably because I asked for help, but I know thats my irrtational side.

If I seem a little more together right now than in my last posts, its true. I slept almost all day. I just ate an entire box of spongebob macaroni and cheese. I'm on my way to Nutcracker rehearsal (ballet) so I've been mentally gearing myself up for this for an hour or so. Entire box of macaroni and a leotard together isnt so pretty, but luckily I'm still depressed enough not to care right now.

 

Re: appt with new T » wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2006, at 19:24:32

In reply to Re: appt with new T » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 18:54:35

Baby steps. You're hanging in there just great.

And Ginny is a good T and a good woman. See how much someone doing what they say helps? And never, ever underestimate the power of Sponge Bob Mac & Cheese.

Hope rehearsal goes well.

 

Re: appt with new T

Posted by pegasus on October 19, 2006, at 22:02:12

In reply to Re: appt with new T » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on October 19, 2006, at 18:54:35

I'm glad you're eating and going to rehearsal. I'm glad Ginny called you, and that Laurie called you. I'm glad you have an appt with another T, even if he is a guy ;)

Like TG said, baby steps are fantastic at this point, considering where you've been recently (physically and mentally). I can tell that you're trying, even though I know it's so hard when things get bad. I hope it gets a whole lot easier soon.

And if it helps, I do better with female Ts too, but I had a really good male T once, so I know it can turn out good when you go outside your ideal T profile sometimes.

p

p.s. thanks to you and therapygirl for liking my words. My T and I have been working on loosening up my self-censoring, to accept my intuition more, and looking at and verbalizing those types of images is part of that. Glad you liked it!

 

Re: appt with new T » pegasus

Posted by wishingstar on October 20, 2006, at 15:18:17

In reply to Re: appt with new T, posted by pegasus on October 19, 2006, at 22:02:12


Thanks for your input.. youre right about the male Ts. Randy (from partial) was male and I loved him. So who knows.

I'm glad you decided not to censor yourself with that last post! It sounds like it's hard for you, but I just wanted to reiterate that it really helped me. The imagery really clicked for me in a way regular words did. I was actually going to use it in therapy today, but we didnt end up talking about Anne really. So keep opening up! I love what you have to say.

 

saw laurie

Posted by wishingstar on October 20, 2006, at 15:27:38

In reply to got a letter from anne, posted by wishingstar on October 17, 2006, at 9:48:24

I saw Laurie today. It was a very hard session.

I spend most of the hour staring at my hands not knowing what to say. She knew how bad I was feeling. She did most of the talking.. I just sat there and listened, teared up, calmed down, and repeat. I've never cried in therapy so even that was very big for me.

She told me that if I killed myself, she would miss me. I told her to stop saying that because she'd make me cry (thats where the tears began). She listed what she sees as my good qualities.. asked me when the last time anyone hugged me was.. things like that. She said several times that she'd miss me. I told her I couldnt say much because I'd just cry and we (she) talked some about how it's okay to cry. Finally I told her that I believe that she cares, but shes the only one. I know that doesnt seem big, but saying that was huge for me.

At one point, she said that my pain made her cry too, so it was okay if I cried. I glanced up a minute later and her eyes were teary. Later on, I saw her wiping her eye. I dont ever want to upset her, but it just felt so, so good to see that. It means she really does care. And she saw how much this hurts.

Unfortunately, I dont get to see her next week. She doesnt have any appts left on Fri, and thats the only day I can make it. She also called last night and rescheduled me for today (only by an hour) "to help out one of her other clients".. I'm not really sure what that means.. I expected to go there and see someone else who looked like they were in crisis, but I didnt at all. I dont know. I dont like feeling replaced for another client, even though she said if I couldnt change my time today, it was okay. But I do know she cares about me. It's just weird.


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