Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 695395

Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 19:48:18

I am emotionally labile at the moment.

The bus driver pissed me off. I felt so f*cking pissed.

But I sat there on the bus. calm on the outside. hardly noticing anything. dissociating? I guess so? tunnel vision. Just thinking of my rage. Within 5 blocks, rage was joined by depression. Depression that I'm not even worth the damn bus driver to pick me up, because I don't fit the correct racial profile to ride my bus (the one I ALWAYS take) home. Really looking forward to getting home, so that I can mutilate myself.

I'm so overwhelmed with work in the last 4 days. I am getting ready to go out of town, and to a conference, and I have a week's worth of meetings in 2 days, and I have to present different stuff at 4 meetings. and I have pdoc and T also. I'm a ticking time bomb. and I have nothing better to do than think about the best way to get my f*cking mind to shut the f*ck up.

so... I quietly reach into my backpack. as I sit on the bus and realize that my anger and rage and sadness and lack of self-worth is making me want to cease to exist in this world. I pull out a yellow pill. you know the one. generic clonazepam. and I let it dissolve in my mouth. I'm not sure what this is going to do, but maybe it will keep me from drawing blood.

So- what the f*ck is going on in my mind? I can tell you what's helping me keep my moods stable. One thing is my Sehnsucht playlist on my iPod. We're doing Tchaikovsky right now. Sym # 5 (2nd mvmt) Sym # 6 1st mvmt. Nutcracker Act II Pas de deux a: Intrada. Perhaps I can't help myself, but I have to listen to this music. It's the most suicidal music I have ever listened to, especially the Pathetique. The Suffering. Pathos.

A steady diet of music to keep my moods stable. Only insofar as I have organized my playlist appropriately. I KNOW that I can change anytime to my "JOY" playlist, but I don't. I want to feel really dark and down. I want to cause my own suffering.

I'm so royally F*CKED. I'm never going to get ALL my work done. It's going to be half-*ssed, and I'm going to hate myself.

I better get back to work. Only 2hours and 20 minutes until I take my meds (they're going to knock me out for a full 12 hours, unfortunately my first meeting will be during those 12 hours. I hope they won't think I'm drunk, or hungover. I'm in bad trouble.

Work = keeping me sane? keeping me insane? keeping me what? I want to go away.

I HATE DEPRESSION. I HATE EMOTIONS. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE DEADLINES. I WANT TO HURT MYSELF and still appear 100% perfect tomorrow as I present my proposal for a new study to 2 professors, as I? what?

I just want to escape. Alcohol is awfully tempting, but not with benzos. I could hurt myself.

This is just a bunch of b*llshit. Just ignore me for a bit. As soon as a happy song comes on, I'll be totally changed. What's the matter with me?

-Lindenbleeding

 

Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger** » Lindenblüte

Posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2006, at 20:10:46

In reply to Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 19:48:18

Sweetie think of me massaging away some of the tension. Maybe that will help. But take it one step at a time. My coorolation is when I spent a month working in ICU. The people had so many IV lines I couldn't figure them out and where they went. All of a sudden I said wait there is an easier way to do this. Hold on one line at a time and trace it to the site. Lo and behold it worked. And poof the anxiety went away. Think of the wonderful time you will be spending with hubby. And let the klonopin work. Li I want to be there in the middle of the l2 hours of knockout time when you give your presentation. Love phillipa

 

Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**

Posted by Gee on October 16, 2006, at 20:11:28

In reply to Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 19:48:18

Liden,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly right now. You're worth awhole lot more than you think. I really hope you're able to get your work done. Good luck (I really mean it)

G

 

Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 20:27:56

In reply to Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**, posted by Gee on October 16, 2006, at 20:11:28

Okay... I think maybe the klonopin is starting to kick in. I also made a whole pot of really hot cocoa And that will have to be enough comfort for me. I'm gonna post the rest of my bullcrap on WORK board. get it moving, you know?

Thank you Gee, Thank you Phillipa. Those are very good ideas. Phillipa, if you could be there during my meeting tomorrow early, you'd laugh SO hard. you'd better be wearing cotton gloves, though.

why am I playing on psychobabble instead of working?

Cause my document is taking 20 minutes to print out. it's kind of long....

-Li

 

Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger** » Lindenblüte

Posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 22:41:20

In reply to Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 20:27:56

Ya. labile seriously sucks.
Thats when they gave me klonopin to take daily.
I dunno. Seems you got a major pile on your plate.
Enough to make anybody labile.
Hopefully things will slow down a bit for you soon?
I think you need to slow down.
Give Li a break.
Yup.
Muffled

 

Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger** » Lindenblüte

Posted by ElaineM on October 16, 2006, at 23:18:23

In reply to Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 19:48:18

Li you're probably sleeping now. It's tiring enough having to deal with emotional stuff, nevermind with major work added on top. I think that when I feel compeled to cause my own suffering it's because I fear that it is on its way anyways - to regain some control. I don't know. You also sound rather defeated. I hope the morning feels better.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow hoping it goes well. I'll send you some of these awake vibes I have going on ~~~~~~~~~~~***!!!!~~~~~~~~ Maybe play the JOY soundtrack when you're getting ready.

blove, EL

 

elaine muf

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 23:44:39

In reply to Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger** » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 16, 2006, at 23:18:23

Muffled,
Elaine

Anyone else watching

I finished my to do list. Everything on it.

It's gonna be okay. I will try to find something nice to wear tomorrow. I'm thinking a hooded sweatshirt. This gigantic heavy cozy thing I have.

It's wonderful comfy. I think it's size XXL. I can have babies and still wear it.

Off to bed with me.

I took the seroquel 50 mins ago. I'm fighting a losing battle.

gnight.

sorry I'm so labile.
Labile always reminds me of vulva.

I'm not going to apologize for being vulva, however. I was born this way, it kind of feels like it's the way I'm meant to be.

Well, that's the seroquel talking. Don't believe I've used that word in speech or writing in many years...


ta ta dahlings.

=Li

yep Elaine. tomorrow will be JOY playlist. I will be needing all the "caffeine" I can get. I hope you get some rest too


------------------------* That's a shooting star

 

Gee, Phillipa Me

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 23:47:59

In reply to Re: Emotional Labililty Liability **SI trigger** » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 16, 2006, at 23:18:23

Gee, Phillipa, Me:
Just wanted to say thanks for thinking of me this difficult evening.

Sometimes before I get started I'm feeling the worst.

Once I get into it, and it starts getting done, I don't feel so bad anymore.

good night to you all too

-Li

 

Re: Gee, Phillipa Me

Posted by Gee on October 17, 2006, at 14:32:24

In reply to Gee, Phillipa Me, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 23:47:59

I hope you have a better night Linden!

 

Re: Gee, Phillipa Me

Posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2006, at 17:05:09

In reply to Re: Gee, Phillipa Me, posted by Gee on October 17, 2006, at 14:32:24

Li well how did it go? Fantastic I'm sure. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Gee, Phillipa Me » Gee

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 18:06:12

In reply to Re: Gee, Phillipa Me, posted by Gee on October 17, 2006, at 14:32:24

It went okay...

Mostly, it's just an issue of my advisor never being able to make up her mind about anything. She wants to do 10,000 experiments on everything under the sun, but I have limited resources, time, and patience.

The senile old lady was obliging. Didn't put up much of a fuss. Was pretty awake. There was one memorable moment when she started picking her nose. I thought she might stop after I caught a look at her doing it. Instead she just went in deeper. I believe she was picking her sinus at that point. Definitely in past her knuckle. I didn't miss a beat.

T was good. we talked about my parents mostly. It went by quickly, and talked very fast.

Lunch meeting was good. Once again, my advisor was not focused or prepared. She kept on making mountains out of molehills, while skirting how we're going to address the substantial criticisms of our paper. Me and the 2nd author had a mini meeting afterwards to actually make a decision on how to proceed. Lindenblossom gets to do the writing. Narcissa gets to do the data analysis.

Then I felt kind of faint. maybe low blood sugary. went home. tried to buy vanity fair at the bookstore. they're out. bought chocolate instead. the godiva pumpkin truffles. they are splendieriferous.

now I'm home.

voila.

pdoc tomorrow. what should I say **yawn**

-Li

 

Re: Gee, Phillipa Me

Posted by Gee on October 17, 2006, at 19:52:32

In reply to Re: Gee, Phillipa Me » Gee, posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 18:06:12

Sounds like a much more productive day than I had.

I don't know what I would do if someone started picking their nose like that. How can people do it??

What will you say to your pdoc? Please don't start picking your nose? I'm not sure I can handle it without gaping? LOL

G


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