Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 694409

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Re: Wanting comfort

Posted by mair on October 13, 2006, at 13:45:22

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2006, at 9:30:30

My last T was pretty bad I thought but not as bad as what you're describing. However, my husband and I ran into him a couple of years after I stopped seeing him, and he introduced us to his wife. He got my husband's name right and screwed up mine. My husband wasn't the one sitting in his office twice a week and sometimes more for 2+ years. I was unbelievably hurt and offended.

Many hugs from me. Every now and then my T will say something which touches me like how she was reading a book or an article which made her think of me. Most of the time I convince myself that I mean nothing to her, although I know on some level that it isn't true. (not always a very conscious level). I wouldn't know how to ask her for comfort anyway. I've often wished that she was telepathic, and have told her this a few times. The reality is that we have to learn how to make ourselves heard and understood. We can't assume that they're picking up what we think are such obvious signs.

mair

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 13, 2006, at 16:24:32

In reply to Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2006, at 6:20:33

I know you don't know me, Tamar, but I've read your previous posts.

I'm sorry your T is having a hard time right now. Wish he'd just admit it and work on making things right.

I can't fix that for you, but for sure I can give you BIG hugs whenever you need them.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TAMAR)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar

Posted by Daisym on October 13, 2006, at 19:17:25

In reply to Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2006, at 6:20:33

((((Tamar))))

My life has been a huge mess for well over a year. So I work even harder at remembering where I'm supposed to be and who I'm suppose to call. But I've been avoidant and unreliable too. So I can sympathize.

However, my job is not as someone's therapist. By definition, a therapist must be steady, consistant, reliable and comforting. I don't mean like with hugs or hand holding necessarily. I mean by giving clients a sense that someone has their back and is looking out for them and their best interests. If a therapist is having a harder time doing that for some reason, clients should told and the therapist should own it. And together they should try to figure out how to talk about it and as Dinah suggested, how to make it part of the therapy -- or not.

I am typically the last person to bring this up, but geez Tamar, this guy has been hurting you for months now. At what point do you ask for someone else? People change - because he was a good fit at one point doesn't still make him a good fit. If it was anyone else - what would you say to them? Therapy is hard enough without having to beg your therapist for their attention.

I wish it wasn't so hard for you. ((((Tamar))))

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Daisym

Posted by LindenblŁte on October 13, 2006, at 19:59:34

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by Daisym on October 13, 2006, at 19:17:25

((((((Tamar))))))

My T was 10 minutes late this week. In 6 mos of therapy, I've only had that happen once. I got kind of anxious. okay. REALLY anxious.

you want to help me finish up my pint of light HaagenDazs cookie dough ice cream?

It's pretty comfy, especially since I got my furnace to work (this am was a chilly 53 degrees F in my place!) now it's downright toasty mmm)

-Li

 

Re: Wanting comfort

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 23:28:46

In reply to Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2006, at 6:20:33

((((tamar))))
i'm glad you are back
i'm sorry you are having a hard time
can you show him your post?
maybe you guys can figure something appropriate together

sounds to me like he has got some repairing relationship stuff to do...

 

(((((((((((((((((((((Tamar))))))))))))))))))))))))

Posted by muffled on October 14, 2006, at 0:26:16

In reply to Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2006, at 6:20:33

Good to hear from you. i been wondering whats up w/you.
I'm sorry bout your T.
It sure sounds like he got something going on in his own life/health. This forgetting thing is odd. Very odd.
I too think it would be an excellent idea to take this post of yours in.
I think it could open up some good dialogue.....or not.
I dunno bout your T?
I know you were not interested in finding another at one time........?
(((((((((((((((Tamar)))))))))))))))))))))
Sorry its hard.
I am doing great w/my T right now...wish you could be doing the same...
You could ask him flat out if he gives a sh*t. I know there was another thread bout that, and I done the same w/my T. I even said that she was just being 'unconditionally accepting' cuz its her job to be.
She tells me regular, that she cares, or that I a special person...but I dunno....
What could he give you???Within the boundaries????
I dunno, I dunno what words you would beleive....cuz I myself have such a hard time w/that...
I guess if you found a diff. T that had different boundaries, then mebbe you could get different things?
Eg, my T would hug me if I wanted.( I don't want !!!)
I think she's a touch kindof person, I think she wants to touch me, but respects that i don't like to be touched.
Everyonce in awhile she forgets nherself and pats my knee! Its actually kinda funny in a sad way.
Sorry this is so long. I'm trying not to think of my own inner battle right now.
Take care Tamar, you ARE a special person, beleive me ...or not.(I don't generally go around lying to people FYI)
Muffled

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ canadagirl

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 7:51:12

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by canadagirl on October 13, 2006, at 7:37:19

> I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time.
> I've got one of those forgetful T's too and I'm just about ready to dump him. I know they have their personal lives, but there is really no excuse for not making or reviewing a few notes so they can keep up to date on us. I don't think it fosters a good connection, no matter how much we like them.

Yeah, it definitely gets in the way. And not knowing whatís going on with him means I have no sense of perspective on it, so inevitably I end up thinking itís partly about me, even though he insists itís not.

> You're NOT unimportant...talking about your needs IS important, whether he can fill them or not - the important thing is to talk about them. It's all part of the process. Here's a cyber hug for you too.

Thanks for the cyber hug. Yeah, Iíd like to talk to him about my needs. He always seems to shut it down. I called him yesterday and told him I wanted reassurance: I wanted him to tell me he still wants to work with me. He said he thought I knew that he doesnít think itís helpful to give me that kind of reassurance. (I didnít know that; heís never told me before.) I said even if thatís the case, it doesnít make me want it less.

Right now I just want to slap his head.

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar

Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2006, at 7:55:25

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ canadagirl, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 7:51:12

I do too.

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Dinah

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 7:58:57

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by Dinah on October 13, 2006, at 7:56:24

> ((((Tamar))))
>
> I know it doesn't help much, but it sounds like something's going on in his own life. When my therapist was stressed out, he once crossed a telephone appointment with me off his calendar to go to the dentist, and didn't think of calling me to say so.

Ouch! Yeah, thatís pretty neglectful. Does that sort of thing interfere with your sense of safety?

> My therapist is worse at this when he's under stress, but he's always bad. I've eventually decided not to take it personally (after a lot of nonconfrontational discussions and a few confrontational ones). Now it's sort of an inside joke between us, and I work at usually finding it an endearing quality.

I used to find it an endearing quality when he was regularly late, and when he forgot appointments before. I think what really knocked me over was his forgetting when I wanted to talk to him about some really important stuff. I lost the sense of the safety of therapy. And Iíve been trying to get it back for four months, but every time I think things are improving he does something else that seems to indicate he doesnít care about me and has little respect for me.

Youíre right; I shouldnít take it personally. But I do take it professionally. I think itís really unprofessional of him to forget to look in his diary. If I were so unreliable in my job (i.e. if I regularly forgot when I was supposed to be teaching) Iíd be in trouble.

Sigh. I admire your ability to make it into an inside joke. I hope I can reach that stage.


 

Re: Wanting comfort

Posted by annierose on October 14, 2006, at 8:15:16

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Dinah, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 7:58:57

Tamar - I'm sorry that he seems elsewhere. I think you are asking a perfectly logical emotional question (got that?). Of course you want to be reassured that he wants to work with you. My T is not forgetfull but I still ask that question a million different ways, "Are you sorry that you are working with me?", "Do you regret deciding to work with me?" "Do you like working with me?" "Am I a challenging client?" etc. etc.

I always ask and she always answers that she likes working with me.

I think your T could answer that and not cross boundaries --- but everyone has different boundaries (my T would never touch me). I think it's time to ask yourself, do you feel like you are the one that always needs to forgive him in order to make this "relationship" work? Do you feel like you need to overlook certain aspects in order to get what you need?

If you want/need more from the relationship, you may be able to get more from another t. I know, I know how hard it is to tear ourselves from a therapist that we love.

You don't have to do a thing. You can just think about it. And when the time is right, if there is ever a time, you will know what to do.

((((((((((((tamar)))))))))))))

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ ClearSkies

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:18:16

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2006, at 9:30:30

> (((Tamar))) if you aren't able to tell your T how troubling and damaging his preoccupation is, maybe you could write him a note?

Yíknow, I still havenít done that. Well, Iíve written him dozens of notesÖ nearly every dayÖ but I never give them to him because when I read them later they seem inarticulate and unfair and silly. Maybe itís finally time to make him read, because I never manage to say the things I really want him to hear.

> When it happened to me (with one of the Ts I cycled through until I found a good'un), I got so angry that I'd tell her to read my file for a new minutes so she could refresh her memory. She said at one point that she should hire me to organize her practice. (!!!!) I pretty much gave up on her then - she wasn't able to give me the support I needed.

Gosh, how awful. I donít understand why they bother taking notes (or keeping diaries) if theyíre not going to look at them!

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ mair

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:26:05

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort, posted by mair on October 13, 2006, at 13:45:22

> My last T was pretty bad I thought but not as bad as what you're describing. However, my husband and I ran into him a couple of years after I stopped seeing him, and he introduced us to his wife. He got my husband's name right and screwed up mine. My husband wasn't the one sitting in his office twice a week and sometimes more for 2+ years. I was unbelievably hurt and offended.

Thatís terrible! No wonder you were hurt.

> Many hugs from me. Every now and then my T will say something which touches me like how she was reading a book or an article which made her think of me. Most of the time I convince myself that I mean nothing to her, although I know on some level that it isn't true. (not always a very conscious level). I wouldn't know how to ask her for comfort anyway. I've often wished that she was telepathic, and have told her this a few times. The reality is that we have to learn how to make ourselves heard and understood. We can't assume that they're picking up what we think are such obvious signs.

I wish my therapist would say he was thinking of me. Instead he seems to go to quite some effort to remind me that I know nothing about him. He went through a phase of saying every week, ďWell, you know nothing about me; you donít know where I go or what I do or whatís on my mind.Ē I didnít know how he expected me to respond to that, but I felt incredibly rejected. And of course I know a few things about him from Google, but that obviously hadnít occurred to him. Of course, if heíd asked me what I thought I knew about him, or whether I wanted to know things about him, I might have fessed up. I wish Iíd had the guts to say, ďActually, I know more about you than you assume.Ē I guess the assumptions go both ways.

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ TherapyGirl

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:29:16

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 13, 2006, at 16:24:32

> I know you don't know me, Tamar, but I've read your previous posts.

Iím pretty sure Iíve read some of your previous posts too. Itís nice to be talking to you.

> I'm sorry your T is having a hard time right now. Wish he'd just admit it and work on making things right.

Yeah. I hope heís doing some therapy himself.

> I can't fix that for you, but for sure I can give you BIG hugs whenever you need them.
>
> ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TAMAR)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for the hugs. Hugs are great!

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Daisym

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:37:07

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar, posted by Daisym on October 13, 2006, at 19:17:25

Hi Daisy,

> My life has been a huge mess for well over a year. So I work even harder at remembering where I'm supposed to be and who I'm suppose to call. But I've been avoidant and unreliable too. So I can sympathize.

Yeah, itís tough when personal things intrude into work. And I suppose it happens to most of us at times. I think it would be easier for me to accept it if he would allow me to worry about him a little; if he could accept that itís inevitable that Iíd be concerned about him. But he seems to withdraw into wanting to keep his private life private, which is perfectly OK, but doesnít focus on my neuroses. So if I worry about him I feel Iím being intrusive, and if I donít worry about him I feel like a self-absorbed b*tch.

> However, my job is not as someone's therapist. By definition, a therapist must be steady, consistant, reliable and comforting. I don't mean like with hugs or hand holding necessarily. I mean by giving clients a sense that someone has their back and is looking out for them and their best interests. If a therapist is having a harder time doing that for some reason, clients should told and the therapist should own it. And together they should try to figure out how to talk about it and as Dinah suggested, how to make it part of the therapy -- or not.

I like the idea that we need to know someone has our back. Thatís exactly right.

> I am typically the last person to bring this up, but geez Tamar, this guy has been hurting you for months now. At what point do you ask for someone else? People change - because he was a good fit at one point doesn't still make him a good fit. If it was anyone else - what would you say to them? Therapy is hard enough without having to beg your therapist for their attention.

I really am seriously considering quitting. I guess the idea of seeing someone else is pretty terrifying. When things are going well he understands all my religious troubles in a way that most people donít, and heís been really good with my inner 18 year-old. When heís good heís very, very good. But when heís badÖ

> I wish it wasn't so hard for you. ((((Tamar))))

Thanks Daisy. I suppose things will get better eventually. So far Iíve been able to resist the temptation to hurt myself, so I guess things are already better than they used to be.

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ LindenblŁte

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:40:34

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Daisym, posted by LindenblŁte on October 13, 2006, at 19:59:34

> ((((((Tamar))))))
>
> My T was 10 minutes late this week. In 6 mos of therapy, I've only had that happen once. I got kind of anxious. okay. REALLY anxious.

Ah, my T is regularly 10 minutes late. I donít get anxious until heís 20 minutes late. The lateness never used to bother me until the forgetting started. (My father, brother and husband are always late for everything so Iím fairly used to it and donít usually take it personally.)

> you want to help me finish up my pint of light HaagenDazs cookie dough ice cream?

Wow, that sounds fantastic. I love HaagenDasz cookie dough ice cream! Yum yum.

> It's pretty comfy, especially since I got my furnace to work (this am was a chilly 53 degrees F in my place!) now it's downright toasty mmm)

Sounds great. Comfy and toasty is just what Iím looking for right now!

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ alexandra_k

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:47:40

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 23:28:46

> ((((tamar))))
> i'm glad you are back

Itís really nice to hear from you too.

> i'm sorry you are having a hard time
> can you show him your post?

I think youíre right. Itís time to show him something Iíve chosen the words for. In therapy I can hardly string a sentence together.

> maybe you guys can figure something appropriate together

I really hope so. I just donít want to scare him into retreat.

> sounds to me like he has got some repairing relationship stuff to do...

Yeah. He keeps telling me that he will try to be the best therapist he can be. So far Iíve resisted the urge to make sarcastic replies, but I really do wonder why he isnít already trying to be the best therapist he can be.

 

Re: Wanting comfort

Posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 8:49:53

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ canadagirl, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 7:51:12

>He said he thought I knew that he doesnít think itís helpful to give me that kind of reassurance. (I didnít know that; heís never told me before.)

ah.

so there it is. it isn't that he doesn't care, it is that he thinks it will be bad for you if he tells you he does care. some therapists have this variety of therapy where they think it isn't part of their job description to comfort you it is part of their job description to help you build ego strength or whatever.

yeah, smack him over the head, i say...

or...

alternatively...

could you talk to him about WHY he thinks it is bad for you
and maybe you could tell him that a little bit of comfort might just mean that the hard stuff is easier whereas if he keeps going the way he is going he is just driving you away...

 

Re: Wanting comfort

Posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 8:52:21

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ TherapyGirl, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:29:16

do you want to chat tamar?

there is something i'd like to ask you at some point...
but i can ask you later anyways...

there is babblechat now. by the 'register' link. you might have to register but you should be able to chat if you want.

 

Re: (((((((((((((((((((((Tamar)))))))))))))))))))))))) Ľ muffled

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:58:34

In reply to (((((((((((((((((((((Tamar)))))))))))))))))))))))), posted by muffled on October 14, 2006, at 0:26:16

> Good to hear from you. i been wondering whats up w/you.

Good to hear from you too. I hate being absent from Babble for long periods. I miss my friends!

> I'm sorry bout your T.
> It sure sounds like he got something going on in his own life/health. This forgetting thing is odd. Very odd.

I keep hoping itís a happy thing, like a new baby, or maybe his partner got a promotion or something. But I suspect itís something difficult.

> I too think it would be an excellent idea to take this post of yours in.
> I think it could open up some good dialogue.....or not.

I hope so. Iím so afraid that if he knows how Iím really feeling heíll run away very fast.

> I dunno bout your T?
> I know you were not interested in finding another at one time........?
> (((((((((((((((Tamar)))))))))))))))))))))
> Sorry its hard.

Thanks, Muffled. Youíre right; I just donít know if I could work with someone else. So the decision Iím faced with is either to work things out with him or to quit therapy altogether.

> I am doing great w/my T right now...wish you could be doing the same...

I am so pleased you are doing great with your T. You totally deserve to have it go well for you; youíve put a lot of effort into it.

> You could ask him flat out if he gives a sh*t. I know there was another thread bout that, and I done the same w/my T. I even said that she was just being 'unconditionally accepting' cuz its her job to be.
> She tells me regular, that she cares, or that I a special person...but I dunno....

He wonít tell me that. He has made it very clear he doesnít think it would be helpful. I may have to pee on his carÖ

> What could he give you???Within the boundaries????
> I dunno, I dunno what words you would beleive....cuz I myself have such a hard time w/that...

I think I want something symbolicÖ A photo would be nice. But itís probably outside his boundaries. I want something that I can use to help me find the safety when Iím not with him, and something that symbolises that he cares about me. But if he canít tell me in words that he cares about me, I guess he canít give me something symbolic to show he cares. Iím pretty sure he wouldnít even want me to have a photo of him.

> I guess if you found a diff. T that had different boundaries, then mebbe you could get different things?
> Eg, my T would hug me if I wanted.( I don't want !!!)

That does sound very appealing. I wonder if I could ask a T straight out at the first meeting to talk about her boundaries. Iíve asked my T a couple of times about his boundaries and he claims they are flexible, but I havenít seen anything to indicate that theyíre flexible.

> I think she's a touch kindof person, I think she wants to touch me, but respects that i don't like to be touched.
> Everyonce in awhile she forgets nherself and pats my knee! Its actually kinda funny in a sad way.

Gosh! It must be kind of scary and also a nice demonstration that she cares , both at the same time.

> Sorry this is so long. I'm trying not to think of my own inner battle right now.
> Take care Tamar, you ARE a special person, beleive me ...or not.(I don't generally go around lying to people FYI)

Thanks for your kind words. Itís good to feel cared about.

Tamar

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ annierose

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 9:04:29

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort, posted by annierose on October 14, 2006, at 8:15:16

> Tamar - I'm sorry that he seems elsewhere. I think you are asking a perfectly logical emotional question (got that?). Of course you want to be reassured that he wants to work with you. My T is not forgetfull but I still ask that question a million different ways, "Are you sorry that you are working with me?", "Do you regret deciding to work with me?" "Do you like working with me?" "Am I a challenging client?" etc. etc.
>
> I always ask and she always answers that she likes working with me.

Oh, I wish he would say those words to me.

> I think your T could answer that and not cross boundaries --- but everyone has different boundaries (my T would never touch me). I think it's time to ask yourself, do you feel like you are the one that always needs to forgive him in order to make this "relationship" work? Do you feel like you need to overlook certain aspects in order to get what you need?

I do feel as if I need to forgive him quite often these days. I donít know if he needs to forgive me, of course, because he wouldnít tell me. But I do feel as if heís the one making all the mistakes and Iím constantly trying to repair things.

> If you want/need more from the relationship, you may be able to get more from another t. I know, I know how hard it is to tear ourselves from a therapist that we love.

Yeah. Itís hard, but if he really canít help me, then thereís no point continuing. Love just isnít enough.

> You don't have to do a thing. You can just think about it. And when the time is right, if there is ever a time, you will know what to do.
>
> ((((((((((((tamar)))))))))))))

Thanks Annierose. I will think about it. Iím sure that thinking about it will help me to realise that Iím not trapped in this relationship.

 

Re: Wanting comfort

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 9:14:05

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort, posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 8:52:21

> do you want to chat tamar?
>
> there is something i'd like to ask you at some point...
> but i can ask you later anyways...
>
> there is babblechat now. by the 'register' link. you might have to register but you should be able to chat if you want.

I registered and am in... see you in there?

 

above for alex (nm)

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 9:15:46

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 9:14:05

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar

Posted by mair on October 14, 2006, at 9:47:09

In reply to Re: Wanting comfort Ľ mair, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2006, at 8:26:05

What seems now like a few lifetimes ago, I had a T who assured me that his ability to compartmentalize was so good that as soon as he left his office, he totally forgot about all of his patients. I took it to mean that as soon as I walked out his door, he stopped thinking about me completely. There's probably not much of a difference. I just know I felt absolutely rejected. How clueless can these guys be?

mair

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar

Posted by kerria on October 15, 2006, at 0:52:58

In reply to Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2006, at 6:20:33

((((((((Tamar)))))))))

i'm sorry that your T isn't comforting- i can definately relate to how painful that can be.

Sometimes i think that Ts hide behind the word 'boundaries' and it's weak/not good therapy . It's weak because they should find ways of comforting that help within the boundaries.

not comforting feels so much like rejection and uncaring and that's more harmful than a hug.

i hope T starts understanding.
Take care,
kerria

 

Re: Wanting comfort Ľ Tamar

Posted by Damos on October 16, 2006, at 20:24:08

In reply to Wanting comfort, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2006, at 6:20:33

Hi Sweetness,

Have missed you. Sorry things are so hard for you right now.

You feel free to come make yourself comfy here or grab a big snuggly hug any old time you need one.

((((((((((Tamar))))))))))


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